Snowfall
by rockifer
Summary: Abby, bad things have happened, that's life, and you need to accept it.
1. The Beginning

Disclaimers: ER belongs to Michael Crichton and NBC and all that jazz.

Other: PLEASE review.

* * *

"Dr. Weaver," it was Mearl, the latest of Kerry's secretaries, and hopefully one who would last longer than his predecessors, "you've got an urgent call, they refuse to leave a message, and won't give me a name," he continued as she stepped into her office, back from a short stop to check in on the ER.

She sat down in the chair and picked up the phone, wondering what exactly could be so urgent. "Dr. Weaver speaking," she said impatiently, whoever it was could at least have had the courtesy to identify himself previously.

"Missing anyone?" the deep voice came over the phone.

"Excuse me?" down in the ER, there'd been a bit of irritation toward Abby for having taken a break hours earlier and not yet having returned. She shook away a dozen possible scenarios that instantly popped into her mind.

"She's dying, your resident is staining the snow with her blood," he laughed, obviously having a good time taunting Weaver.

"Who the hell are you?" she asked less than politely, more like snarled actually, "if this is some sort of sick joke-"

"You can take it as a joke if you choose to do so, but I'm not so sure she can afford that luxury,"

"That still doesn't answer my question, who are..." she stopped when she realized that whoever was on the other end had hung up. Damn it. She wanted to believe that it was just a joke, then again.. Then again, the last time Abby had disappeared, everyone assumed she had just went off in a huff over an argument with Susan, but she'd been abducted by a couple of gangsters... Maybe years of seeing car wrecks and the fall out of murderous rampages had left her cynical and jaded, but was it worth risking Abby's life on the possibility that it was a prank call?

She picked up the phone, she could at least see if Abby had returned. "ER," Franks gruff voice answered.

"Frank, I need to speak with Susan," she briefly considered reprimanding him for his attitude, but deemed the task worthless as she knew he wouldn't listen.

"Lewis," she heard him scream, "Weaver, pronto," he handed the phone off.

"Hi Kerry," Susan said as she grabbed the phone from Frank and went back to glancing over one of the many charts piled on top of the counter.

"Susan, has Abby returned yet?" it would seem a very odd question, but she didn't really want to waste time explaining. If it was a prank, it was more wasted time, and if it was serious, time was of the essence.

"No, nobody's seen her, she's not answering her pager or her cell phone," she spoke somewhat frustrated, more worried though. The longer Abby was missing, the more concerned Susan grew. While Abby had her moments, needed her space, it usually didn't take her hours to get back to the ER.

"I'll be down in as soon as possible, if you've got anyone spare, round them up."

"Kerry? What are.." but she had already hung up, leaving Susan wondering what to do next. Well obviously, do as Kerry had ordered, round 'em up. Without hesitation, Susan hung up the phone and went to work, rounding up a posse just as Kerry had requested.

After a brief call to security, Kerry was on her way downstairs. After waiting a minute for the elevator, she assumed (correctly) that the thing was out of order (as it frequently was), and braved the stairs down to the ER.

"What is this about Lewis?" Pratt spoke as he stood impatiently at the admit desk, along with Neela, Ray, Luka and Sam.

"How the hell should I know? You know how Weaver gets when she gets into one of her moods," Susan grumbled. Neela looked at Pratt, worried, that was unlike Susan, something was very wrong.

Kerry decided to overlook the Susan's comment, but approached the ER chief from behind, "Susan-" she started, the blonde jumped.

"Kerry, what.." Susan was nervous, Kerry knew something.

She entertained the idea of asking the residents to step out for a moment, but decided against it, "How long has Abby been missing for?"

"Um," Susan looked down at her watch, trying to stay calm, trying to suppress the feeling that Abby was not alright. "she went out about two hours ago,"

"Did she say how long she was going to be gone for?"

"No, she just said she was going to grab something to eat," Susan looked at Kerry nervously, "what's wrong?" it was not a question as to if something was wrong, but rather what was.

"I received an anonymous phone call, a threat on her life," she knew it sounded crazy, like she was panicking over a prank call, but there was no better way to put it. The urgency of the situation began to dawn on the staff gathered around, Abby was not there, this was not a joke, or a misunderstanding. Nobody knew what to say. "I doubt the police would take much notice after this short of an absence, but if any ER staff who aren't busy are willing to help security try to locate her..."

"Where do we stat?" Pratt asked "Do we even know where she might be?"

"Probably near the hospital, out doors."

"Its freezing," Neela spoke, as she glanced outside, at the snow that continued to fall.

"That's why it'd be best if there are more people out looking for her," Pratt said, catching the train of thought a bit faster than the rest.

Without another word, the staff spread out, some immediately heading outside, others grabbing their own jackets before joining them. Susan and Kerry, watched as a security guard approached them, his coat covered with snow flakes, his expression showed that he was stressed, possibly because they had yet to find a missing ER doctor.

"Anything yet?" Kerry called to the approaching figure.

"Nothing, we haven't seen any trace of her," he shook his head, "I have everyone I can spare looking," he reassured, before speaking into his radio and heading back down the hall.

Kerry nodded and decided to try the courtyard, no one went near the area during inclement weather, someone ought to check. It was freezing, probably a degree or two below zero. As she approached, she saw something in the corner slowly being covered by the snow, she knew immediately what.. rather who it was. That the snow around it wasn't white, but more of a dilute red was not a comforting thing. And of course, nobody was over there, nobody had even searched. Kerry had found the missing intern. Praying someone was within shouting distance, she hollered as she rushed toward the seemingly unconscious form. Blood was everywhere, so much, to much. But as Kerry bent down she noticed that Abby appeared to be conscious. Barely.

"Can you hear me Abby?" Kerry asked urgently as she crouched down next to her. Abby, upon hearing a familiar voice, somehow forced her eyes open. "Hold on, going to get you help," Kerry said as she checked Abby's pulse, not good. She shouted toward the main building again, there was no way she could get there and back quickly enough to be of any use. She peeled off her jacket and wrapped it around Abby's shoulders bare shoulders. The only thing shielding her from the harsh Chicago weather was a bloodied blue hospital blanket.

"Kerry," Abby began, having to attempt to get a deep breath, "don't let..me die.." she pleaded. Her voice was barely above a whisper, she simply couldn't get the essential oxygen into her lungs. Kerry had never heard Abby plea for anything, now she was begging her boss to save her life.

"Stay with me Abby, you're going to be okay, going to be fine," she forced herself to show confidence she did not feel. Where the hell was everyone? Had they not heard her? Another shout, this time though, after a moment, someone started sprinting over.

Abby couldn't comprehend what was happening anymore, she knew she was outside, but why, she couldn't figure out. All she knew was that she was exhausted, so tired, she began to close her eyes just as a flashlight's bright beam illuminated the two figures. She heard another voice, calling her name, but couldn't answer, not anymore. She felt someone's fingers, probably Kerry's, on her neck, checking her pulse, ordering her to open her eyes to look at them. But soon the voice faded out, and then there was nothing.

"Kerry-" Luka started, but his jaw dropped once he saw Abby.

"No way a gurney can get through this snow, get a back board, collar, Susan and Pratt."

"Yeah," he nodded and took off, when he suddenly stopped, Morris was right there. "Morris, get a back board, collar, bring Lewis," he ordered and then went back to Kerry and Abby.

"I heard her before," Morris said caddishly, then turned white as a ghost when he saw Abby and turned away, sprinted off, fleeing more than anything else.

"Abby?" Luka spoke cautiously, as he, like Kerry had done, took of his lab coat and placed it over Abby. She didn't quite say anything to him, it was clear to all of them, she was fading fast. "Abby, come on," he grabbed her hand and squeezed, hoping for a response, but knowing he probably wouldn't get one. She squirmed a bit, but then she was out, still had a pulse, but her GCS took a significant hit.

"Kerry!" they heard Susan shout, obviously she couldn't see them, they would have to lead her by their voices.

"Over here," she waved an arm, wishing they'd hurry up with the damn backboard, Abby needed to be in a trauma room, not a heap of snow.

They finally arrived, Susan, Sam, Pratt and three security guards. "Fuck," Pratt swore as he saw Abby, and bent down next to her horrified by the damage that had been inflicted upon her body.

"The board," Kerry demanded of Pratt, who had been carrying the thing.

He set it down in the snow, then grabbed the collar, "Is she breathing?" one of the security guards asked, no longer seeing the rise and fall of Abby's chest.

Kerry nodded, "We'll need to tube her once we get to the trauma room, but for now, worry about getting her inside."

In record time, Luka and Pratt had transferred Abby onto the back board, their hands and clothes now covered in her blood. Pratt, Luka, Sam, and one of the guards took hold of the board and hoisted it up, the remaining two guards and Susan stayed close as they pushed through the snow toward the ER. Abby's plea kept playing in Kerry's head, how she had basically begged Kerry to save her life, not to let her die.

There wasn't much they could do on the march to the ER, but once Abby was inside, on a gurney, the doctors' work took an almost frantic pace. Letting Abby die was not an option, they refused to let that happen.

"Got at least eleven stab wounds," Pratt announced as they began to work.

"I've got at least three more here," Susan's voice was distinctly melancholy. It didn't look good.

"Damn it Abby," Pratt whispered, as the monitors began screaming even louder.

"Eight ET tube, straight blade," Kerry asked of a near by nurse. Among other problems, Abby's pulse ox was in the low seventies. It was instantly in her hands, Kerry focused on the task at hand, as everyone else went about connecting wires, inserting lines, anything they could do at the moment. Surprisingly, the tube slid into place easily, a bit of air into the balloon, and Abby was ready to be hooked up to a vent, or oxygen. Maybe she wasn't as bad as they originally thought, maybe it was just the shock? Or at least they hoped. A look at the monitors painted a bleaker picture though, and a look at the patient bordered on nauseating, and that was without factoring in the bit where it was Abby on the gurney.

"Dubenko's on his way down," Sam hung up the phone and rushed back over, needing to start another IV. It wasn't a question is surgery was going to be needed, but how soon could they get Abby into the OR.

"Good," Dubenko was perhaps the most gifted surgeon at the hospital, and the best with traumas especially, not that anyone would say it ,for fear of Ansphaugh getting wind.

"Dr. Weaver…" Sam's eyes were glued to the heart monitor, the nurse had seen whatever she had seen well before anyone else.

Kerry glanced up, but before her eyes fixed on anything, she heard the monitor loudly declare asystole. She glanced back down at Abby's chest, a mess of penetrating stab wounds. "Thorocotomy tray." Everyone was silent as the equipment was set up. Someone squirted betadine over Abby's chest. Kerry made the incision, then took the saw. Susan had to turn away as the saw came close to her best friends chest, this was not happening, it was just a horrible dream. Years of practice meant the action was swift, but there was no way it could be over soon enough for anyone in the room. The sound of the saw was horrible enough, but then add to the idea that it was currently cutting through their colleagues chest in an effort to save her life, just made it even worse. Doubtless anyone who'd been present on Valentine's Day several years earlier was flashing back to that wretched night, but everyone had to do their best to focus on the present. More blood was pouring out, even as she continued to cut through, not good, they didn't need the monitor to tell them that. And then the saw was handed off, Kerry had successfully cut though her chest.

A lot of questions were answered after Abby's ribs were spread, though a newer nurse whose name no one could recall had to flee from the sickening sound. Left ventricle, ascending aorta, and the left lung were in desperate need of repair. A new question was raised though- should they even try? They had to, yes, but for their own selfish reasons, they wanted Abby with them! But what would the consequences be? What would Abby be like if she made it? Would she even want this? Kerry made a temporary closure of the wound to Abby's heart, then tried cardiac massage to bring the organ back to life. as it filled with blood, it began to beat, weakly, but better than nothing.

"Where the hell is surgery?" Pratt screamed as he continued to assist Kerry.

"Right here, no need to shout Dr. Pratt," Dubenko said calmly as he stepped into the trauma room.

"Took you long enough," he had to take his anger about this present situation out on someone, Duebenko was handy. He suddenly jumped back a little from the gurney, to keep even more of Abby's blood form spilling over onto his already blood stained shoes.

"I was in the middle of postoperative rounds."

"Well Abby needs you now," Pratt said through his teeth, the reaction on Dubenko's part spoke volumes, he obviously had not known who the patient was.

"Lockhart?"

"Yes, its Abby," Luka spoke over the monitors. Dubenko didn't say a word, just looked the scene over.

"Will she even make it up?" Pratt asked after a moment of silence and after seeing Dubenko's expression over Abby's condition. They had all watched as Duenko examined the injuries, all hoping that he would say yes they were repairable, that he could do something for Abby.

"Don't know. How many units in?" he asked, trying to distance himself from the situation, an impossible task.

"Three O-neg, type specific," Sam replied quickly.

"Right, do what you can, then we'll see how quickly we can get her to an OR."

"Kerry, her temps at 90.0" yet another issue to address, hypothermia.

"So put her on a warming blanket in the OR. If she needs bypass," which actually might not be necessary, after a second look. Kerry's stitching looked like it would suffice, and was in a sort of fiber that would break down with time, as the wound healed, "the hypothermia could be to your advantage."

"We can't wait much longer," Dubenko spoke as he kept his gaze on the monitors.

"Fine, send her up now then, just don't let her crash in the lift," Pratt said authoritatively.

"I'll do what I can, but…" he shook his head, hopefully they would get what he was saying.

"We know, now go, and take good care of her," Pratt was sick of the waiting around.

Susan squeezed Abby's hand, knowing that she would probably never see her friend breathing again. And as the gurney was rushed out, she couldn't control the tears anymore. While several of the nurses left, no one made a move to clean the trauma room. Pratt, Luka, Kerry, Susan and Sam all just stood there, silent, not knowing what to say or do next. All they could do was hope, hope that she made it though, and if she didn't, hope that Abby didn't suffer.


	2. Damage Done

Disclaimer: ER is NBC's and Mike Crichton's.

* * *

"Susan, if you'd like to go to the surgical waiting area, I'll take the rest of your shift," Kerry offered not looking forward to the prospect, but still.

"How did you know where she was Kerry? How did you find her?" Susan asked softly. Kerry shrugged, unsure of what to say. Apparently she had a knack for finding coworkers after stabbings. Morbid thought. Susan looked back down at the floor, blood, Abby's blood was everywhere. "She's not going to make it," It stained the tile, the bloodied scrubs that had been discarded, the blanket they had found her wrapped in. Luka and Kerry's lab coats, the back board that she had been brought in on, and of course, Abby's blood stained their hands.

"She might."

"We have no idea how long she was out there, we don't know how long she was unconscious," Susan didn't know that Abby had actually spoken to Kerry. "If she was aware of what was going on.."

"She wasn't."

"She was missing for at least two and a half hours Kerry, who knows.."

"Susan, not now," she had enough to deal with, the thoughts buzzing through her mind at alarming speeds and didn't need Susan's neurosis adding to the mix.

Susan nodded, looked down at the bloody trauma gear and then suddenly bolted, running out, heading for the closest restroom. There was no question in Kerry's mind as to where Susan was going. Personally, she preferred someplace more secluded, outdoors, no one went outside in this weather. Nobody except a psycho who stabbed and God knew what else, innocent people before dumping them outside in the harsh winter.

Not a pleasant thought, but she wasn't going to wretch someplace someone else might hear. She swallowed a few times, to keep everything down. Abby was dying, and the blood was literally on every doctor and nurse on the ER staff right then. Now they had to call the cops, find the bastard who had hurt one of their own.

Susan was in the lounge, on the couch, just staring, not knowing what else to do besides pray. And that she had already done, many times. The door opened, but she didn't look up, soon she felt someone sit down next to her and then a strong hand on her shoulder. Luka gently pulled her close as more tears began to fall.

"She's not going to make it," she kept sobbing into Luka's shoulder.

"You don't know that Susan," he tried to reassure her, but felt the same thing she did.

"You were in the trauma room. Everyone knows."

"We have to give her a chance Susan,"

"I'm not depriving her of one... She's just..."

"Alright…its okay…it will be okay." he spoke softly to her, wishing what he was saying was true. Abby was not alright, would not be okay.

"Don't lie Luka. I'm a doctor, I saw the same thing you did,"

"What do you want me to say Susan? She's grave, you know it and I know it. There is nothing we can do right now,"

"There has to be."

"What Susan?"

"I can't just sit around and wait for her to die."

"You cant scrub in either," he paused. "have the police been notified?"

"I don't know. Thought security would call, but the cops aren't poking around yet. Maybe not."

"Why don't you do that then?" Luka suggested anything that could keep Susan's mind off of the surgery.

After a deep breath, she got the tears to subside, "Can I use your phone?"

"Of course," he reached into his pocket and pulled it, before handing it over. She dialed the number for the police, too much time working in an ER meant she'd memorized it. A deep voice answered, confirming through his greeting that Susan had dialed the correct number, now came the hard part.

"I need to report an attack..."

"And you are?" his voice remained Susan of Frank, Frank who himself used to be a cop.

"Dr. Susan Lewis, Cook County General ER."

"Alright, go ahead,"

"One of our doctors was found in the snow a bit ago. Stabbed repeatedly."

"And is this person deceased?" he asked, no emotion in his voice. "Or what is their condition?"

"Critical, they're in surgery."

"I'm sending officers now,"

"Thanks."

Susan hung up the phone and slowly handed it back to Luka. "You okay?" he asked, already knowing the answer, her best friend was dying. She grumbled something inaudible and sat back. Nothing to do now but wait, wait for the cops, wait for Dubenko, wait for Abby.

Again, the lounge door opened. After a moment, Susan realized it was Kerry. Susan didn't say anything, her mind was upstairs right then.

"Any news from surgery?"

"No," Luka shook his head, "nothing," Kerry nodded, not surprised. At the moment, no news was good news. "What was she saying to you Kerry?" Luka asked, and Susan's head shot up, no wonder Kerry had been so evasive in the trauma room.

She was about to answer when she realized tears were welling up, after a moment's pause to preserve composure, "Not to let her die."

"Oh God," Susan said and once again turned into Luka's chest. Luka, even though he put up the tough guy appearance, his heart broke, Abby had asked Kerry to save her life, in turn, put her life into their hands.

Kerry shook her head and went to her locker. Damn thing wouldn't open. She slammed it once with her fist, and once with her crutch, but it was still stuck. Couldn't remember why she was trying to get into it at first though. Wait, clothes that weren't covered in blood. That was it. She had a change of clothes in there somewhere.

"Scrubs?" Susan knew what Kerry wanted, she had grabbed a few pairs before rushing into the lounge, knowing some of the staff would probably need a change.

She didn't want scrubs, damn it, she wanted her own clothes. Scrubs reminded her of disasters. Chemical spills, stabbings. Wait, there had been a stabbing. "Thanks."

"The cops are on the way," Susan said softly.

"that's good," Kerry didn't bother to enunciate particularly. Nothing about the situation was good, but at least the police were on the way, at least she wouldn't have to be the one to do that.

" Should…I mean..Maggie..don't you think?"

"It's worth a try." Susan nodded and stood up, before walking over to Abby's locker, damn it, what was the combination?

"I think the number's in her file."

Susan nodded again, and kept trying to get into the locker, maybe there was something that could clue them in to what had happened. And then it hit her, "Luka, do you know who the last patient Abby saw was?" maybe the last patient had seen something, just maybe?

"Kid with a broken ankle in curtain three."

"Damn it," she wanted to see the last patient Abby saw, maybe that person could at least give them some information.

"They haven't been discharged yet. Waiting on a cast."

"Do you think, I mean maybe, they saw something, just.."

"Probably not, they weren't up to leaving the immediate area, like I said, still waiting for the cast. Wanted lime green."

"Susan," Luka stepped in, knowing what she was up to. "Don't do this,"

"Don't do what?"

"Let the police do their jobs, why don't you go upstairs?" he spoke as he saw two men walk by in the familiar blue uniforms.

"I should be down here, trying to... trying to-"

"You cant Susan, there is absolutely nothing you can do right now," the door opened and two cops stepped in.

"Prove it Luka."

"You helped get her to the OR, you are the reason the police are looking for an attacker not a murderer right now," not yet.

"Luka, just stop."

"I'm sorry to interrupt," one of the cops began, "but I'm looking for a Dr. Lewis?"

"That's me," she turned to face the speaker.

"Detective Sanders this is my partner, Detective James, we're here about an attack?" he said as he flashed his badge, the blood currently staining the fronts of the three doctors, didn't escape his view.

"Abigail Lockhart."

"I'm guessing that's our victim?"

"Yes."

Over the next twenty minutes, Kerry, Luka and Susan explained everything they knew about Abby's attack. Everything from the phone call to when they gurney was rushed to the OR. "Where are Dr. Lockhart's personal belongings?" Sanders asked looking at the rows of lockers.

"Her locker mostly."

"Which one is it?"

"The one labeled 'Lockhart', over there," Susan pointed.

"Anyone know the combination?" he asked after pulling on it.

"No, that's why it's called a locker, that's why it has a combination..." it seemed Susan was having a hard time staying reasonably calm.

"Personnel would have it," Kerry stayed an administrator.

"Seven, nineteen, thirty four," Luka recalled, she'd asked for something from it a few days earlier.

Sanders nodded and after a few times, successfully opened the locker. Pictures were taped to the door, her coat hung on the hook, everything inside was just as it always was. As if her things were waiting for her to return, just like always, just another normal day. He rifled around a bit, wearing latex gloves of course, until he found a few letters tucked in a back corner. He knew he found what he was looking for, he counted twelve letters, all folded in half, and held together with a rubber band. He unbanded them. Not a single signature, and all written by the same hand. He began to read the first aloud to himself.

'_Abby, I've tried to get your attention, unfortunately you have not listened, it is time to face the consequences'_

A brief curse escaped his lips, unluckily for him, all three of the doctors had heard.

"What…" Susan started, not wanting to believe what he was reading.

"She was receiving threats."

"That would explain her behavior lately," Luka mumbled.

"Her behavior?" the officer prodded.

"She's been acting…different. I don't know, I just thought maybe she was coming down with something,"

"How long?"

"A couple weeks, maybe a month,"

"A bit long to be 'coming down with something' as you put it."

"If anyone had even offered Abby help, she wouldn't have taken it, wouldn't have let any of us know there was a problem,"

"I see. Was she seeing anyone?"

"No," Susan answered.

"Family?"

"Nobody has any idea where they are," Susan decided against going into the family history.

"I see. No attempt has been made to contact them?"

"Not yet,"

"Is there any hope in that regard?"

"Probably not, its very hard to reach her family at any time," Susan glanced at her watch, Abby had been in surgery for two hours now and still no word.

"Why's that?"

"Abby's family just isn't very close," Luka spoke, getting that Susan didn't want to go into details. Abby wouldn't want that either.

"Do you know any other friends?"

"There's one, but he's currently out of the country,"

"Where?"

"Africa.." she started and then her pager went off, as did Kerry's. and Luka's.

"Dubenko," Kerry said plainly.

"Its only been two hours,"

"I know," anything coming from surgery that soon was most likely bad.

"She…Abby.. She's.."

"We don't know anything yet, Susan," Kerry reminded gently, though she believed they already did.

Susan swallowed and together she, Kerry and Luka headed upstairs, Susan had convinced herself that Abby probably had not made it, now she was trying to convince herself on how to except it. Except that her best friend had just been murdered. The walk had never been longer, the three doctors never spoke a word to each other as they made their way to the floor, to Dubenko, to find out if he had been successful in saving the life of their friend.


	3. Hang In There

ER is Mike Crichton's.

* * *

Dubenko was waiting for them on the surgical floor, still in a gown and cap, though his mask and gloves had been discarded. More of Abby's blood was on his front, his expression was unreadable.

"Is she?" Susan asked quietly.

"She made it," Susan almost fainted. Kerry looked almost confused for a moment, then stony, Luka was unreadable. "It..I don't know how she did it," he paused "But I don't believe she will make it through the night" Susan resumed her sobbing from earlier, while Luka tried to comfort her. Somehow, it felt to Kerry as though she'd failed Abby. "You can see her if you'd like, it wont be long,"

"Thank you," Luka said to Dubenko and lead Susan to post-op. Dubenko nodded slowly, he would come by later, not sure the point of it would be, besides to say goodbye.

Kerry pulled him aside for a moment, needing to know more... Just details in general... "How bad?"

"I believe you saw her in the ER," he didn't want to go into details, they were all in her chart. "Here," he handed the chart to her, before walking off. He ripped off his cap as he disappeared down the hall and threw it into the waste. The injuries had been more severe than anyone downstairs had thought, which was saying quite a lot. Aside from the damage to her heart and lungs, her liver had been lacerated, and one of her kidneys was beyond repair, had been removed. Not good, very bad. Slowly Kerry made her way to Abby's room. She left the chart on Abby's bedside table, a good distance from Susan, hoping she wouldn't want to see it.

"Its worse then we thought isn't?" Susan whispered, not bothering to look up from Abby.

No use in lying, "Yeah," a lot worse.

"Of course," she squeezed Abby's hand, knowing she wouldn't get a response, probably would never get one again.

"I'm going to get coffee, either of you want anything?" offered Luka.

"No," Susan shook her head, debating weather or not she wanted to know Abby's injuries.

"Kerry?"

"No thanks," he left and the room was deathly silent, save the repetitive beep of Abby's twelve lead and the mechanical hiss of the respirator.

"She was raped." it wasn't a question, more of a statement, Susan said sadly.

"She was," Kerry confirmed.

"We didn't do an exam..I mean there's still the possibility that he didn't.." trying to hope, hope that 'that' didn't happen.

"No Susan, he did. The police will want an exam done, for trace evidence, but she was."

"How do you know Kerry!"

"You saw her in the trauma room. The bruising... Prepping for surgery, they noticed more."

"Is it in her chart?" she asked reaching for it, but Kerry stopped her.

"Everything is in her chart, but from what Dubenko said, none of it matters."

"What else…"

Kerry tried to figure out how to phrase Abby's injuries delicately. It wasn't possible, Susan wasn't a family member who wouldn't understand the implications of half of what was said, she would understand all of it. Saved by Luka, who came back in with his cup of coffee. "Any change?" he asked innocently.

"In five minutes?" Susan shot back.

"It happens," but when it does, usually for the worse, he added mentally.

"Kerry..what else," Susan asked.

She was about to reinforce the concept that it didn't' matter, but didn't want the conflict she knew would follow, "Right kidney was removed, several lacerations to the liver, severe damage to the aorta, some damage to the left lung... just about everything, they couldn't repair it all."

"Do they know if she was drugged, or was she consciences for it all?"

"Tox screen's not back yet."

"Hey," a knock came at the door and Pratt walked in. "how's our girl doing?" Dubenko followed in right behind him.

"She's still here," there wasn't much more for Luka to say. Heart was still beating.

"More then we expected," and then Pratt walked over and placed something, a stuffed dog next to Abby, a very uncharacteristic thing for Pratt to do.

"But still not much."

He nodded, "its Abby, she'll fight,"

"Of course she will. What choice does she have?" Susan sounded very bitter.

"Well if you truly believe she doesn't want this Susan…" he didn't need to finish the sentence. Everyone knew what Pratt was trying to get across. Susan was the closest thing to family Abby had at the moment.

"I don't know. I mean, I know the options, but I'm not sure what she wants. I don't think she would want this to go on though."

"I don't think she's in any pain right now Susan," Pratt glanced back down at Abby. Not only was he trying to reassure Susan, but himself. Trying to make himself believe that Abby was not suffering, was not in pain.

"I don't think it's that simple," she retorted.

"Okay," he went back to Abby and placed his hand on her forehead, in a soft voice so that only she could hear he whispered, "hang in there Lockhart."


	4. Do You Trust Him?

ER is Mike Cricheton's.

* * *

It'd been two days, two long days of waiting for any sort of change. Two days that Abby wasn't supposed to have survived. Everyone was wound a bit too tight. But so far she had survived, forty eight hours longer then anyone had ever expected her to. Yet she had not improved, not given any signs that she was coming back to them, in fact it seemed as if she was pulling away.

"Good morning, ladies," Joe Stenton, the neurologist assigned to Abby's care stepped into the room.

"Dr. Stenton," Susan somehow thought he came off as almost unctuous, like a used car salesman.

"How's she doing?" he asked as he approached her at his voice though Susan noticed something on the heart monitor..not exactly sure what it was, but something unusual was there.

"No change." He nodded and flipped through Abby's chart, and then Susan noticed a rather large scratch on his hand. Something was not right. "What happened there?" she ask, trying to seem nonchalant.

"What? Oh, patient attacked me," he answered.

"Sorry to hear that, which one?"

He looked at Susan, not sure how to answer that, "Just one of my patients,"

"It happens sometimes."

"Yes, but she was taken care of," he added

"Uhuh," warning bells were blaring but she couldn't prove anything.

He put the chart down, and reached into his pocket before pulling out a penlight. He bent down and as soon as he touched Abby, the thing on the heart monitor appeared once more. Susan shot Kerry a glance, wanting to get her to notice as well. Kerry got the jist of what Susan wanted to say, but there wasn't much she could do without raising suspicions.

"No improvement," he grabbed the chart and wrote down his notes, before checking her IV bag. Susan swore she saw a hint of a smile on his face. No, it was not possible…was it?

"Any hope left?" Luka asked from his corner.

Stenton looked over at him, and shook his head. "I'm sorry, her chances.. I don't think she has many, if any left, Dr. Kovac."

"I understand that, but so far, she's been creating a lot of odds."

"You asked for my opinion, I gave it to you. If you wish to believe something else, by all means,"

"No need to be defensive."

"I'm sorry what happened to Abby, I wish she would have told someone about the letters," he kept going on, but the three doctors stopped listening, how did he know about the letters? "But you need to understand, she's suffering, someone needs to decide what to do,"

"How did you know about those," Kerry asked, certain the police hadn't released that detail.

"Rumors travel fast," he quickly recovered.

"I didn't think they traveled that fast, but this hospital never ceases to amaze."

"Alright, well I'll come and check on her later," he said quickly and seemed to rush out of the room.

The three shot each other skeptical glances, wanting to know if they were all on the same page. "Please tell me someone else saw that," Susan finally said, pointing to the heart monitor.

"Yes, Susan, we did."

"any thoughts of what it could be?"

"Possibly."

"and what's that?" she was so tired, wanted to sleep, but at the same time, maybe they were onto something.

"This isn't the place to discuss it."

"Why? The only person who could possibly hear us right now is currently comatose," emotions were running high.

"It isn't the place, still."

"Fine," she pulled up a chair and took her post by Abby's bedside once more. "Kerry, he said we need to think about what to do next.."

"Meaning Dubenko or Stenton?" sleep deprivation was beginning to catch up with Kerry.

"Stenton, he's right, what do we do?"

"Do you trust him?"

"I'm worried he may have been the one," there she said it.

"So why are you considering his advice?"

"Because I know her condition, I know he's right,"

"You've made a serious accusation Susan, if you believe he is responsible for her condition..."

"I do,"

"Would it be worth investigating?"

Susan was about to say something when the chart caught her eye, the letters had been hand written, Stenton had wrote in Abby's chart moments ago. "yes," she nodded and stood up.

"Then I'll see about removing Abby from his care."

"Why in case he hurts her?" Susan fired sarcastically.

"In case he hurts her further."

Nearly two weeks into it, Kerry was sitting next to Abby, sleeping, when Stenton walked in, obviously unaware of her presence in the early morning hour. He didn't even see Kerry as he pulled out a syringe. He was going to end Abby's life tonight, they would never know, the drug was untraceable.

"Hey there," he spoke softly, and grabbed the IV tube as he uncapped the syringe. Quickly, he injected directly into Abby's IV port. Done. She would be gone in a matter of minutes, he would be in the clear. He headed for the door, hoping to be out before the alarms went off, but managed to trip over a wire. The wire pulled out, sending the monitor it was connected to screaming instantly. At the sound of it, Kerry shot up.

"What are you doing Dr. Stenton?"

"I was just checking on her," he said, trying to cover his tracks, as he kept up his act of caring for Abby and reached to make sure she still had a pulse.

"At this hour. With a syringe?" she said, it was two in the morning according to the clock on the wall, and the instrument was still in his hand.

"Does it really matter right now?" one by one more and more machines were starting to alarm.

"Actually, it does. Care to tell me what you gave her?" Kerry glanced at the monitor. Falling pulse ox, racing heart.

"Morphine,"

"Morphine doesn't have that effect, and she's already on a drip." Shit, he was caught, he was sweating profusely now, trying to come up with a way out of this mess. He glanced up at the monitors, if the drug was to do what it was supposed to do, it would only be a minute before he could escape. Kerry would be to busy worrying about Abby.

"An answer Dr. Stenton?" another glance at the monitors, stats still looked bad. She reached over and hit the code button on the wall. Couldn't deal with Stenton and a crashing Abby at the same time. He didn't answer her, didn't know what to say, he could turn and run, he should, he would. "Don't bother. Night shift's on their way, not security, but I'm sure they would be willing to apprehend you temporarily."

"Let her die Kerry," he knew he was trapped, "she wouldn't want this," and then a smiled played across his face, as he felt her pulse die from underneath his fingers. "she told me so herself," he was caught now, Kerry knew he was the one.

"It's not your decision."

"Oh its not?" Abby went into v-tach, and finally, the team rushed in, five of them, all ready to help. Better late then never, though it had taken them a good forty five seconds to respond. But then again, it could be the exact opposite, they could have never shown up for all it mattered, it could still be to late to save Abby.


	5. Start Praying

"Let her die Kerry," he knew he was trapped, "she wouldn't want this," and then a smiled played across his face, as he felt her pulse die from underneath his fingers. "she told me so herself,"

"It's not your decision."

"Oh its not?" Abby went into v-tach, and finally, the team rushed in, five of them, all ready to help. Better late then never, though it had taken them a good forty five seconds to respond. But then again, it could be the exact opposite, they could have never shown up for all it mattered, it could still be to late to save Abby.

"You," Kerry pointed at one of the burlier looking men to show up, "hold on to him and call security," Kerry went to work, helping the code team to try restore Abby to a natural rhythm.

The guard didn't ask any questions, just blocked the exit, Stenton wasn't going anywhere. "you can't get it right again," he laughed, watching them work.

"We'll see," Kerry mumbled as she prepped the defibrillator paddles.

"Your efforts are futile," it wasn't completely true, but he wanted to watch them worry. Kerry shook it off. He was a raving lunatic as far as she was concerned, just like some of the ones that came through the ER. But then, one look at Abby and his threat was something you couldn't just shake off, not when they were having trouble getting her heart beating normally again.

"Charging to fifty," she paused for a moment, "Clear." Kerry pressed the paddles to Abby's chest and sent the jolt of electricity coursing through her body. A nurse shook her head after consulting the monitors, nothing. "Charging again to fifty." Stenton laughed again, until a fist came flying at his face, a broken nose, and he wasn't laughing anymore.

"What the hell happened Kerry?" Luka and Susan rushed over, Luka's knuckles had Stenton's blood on them.

"He was injecting her with something..." she trailed off and returned her attention to Abby, "Clear."

"Sinus." the nurse reported after a second. The relief was tangible, palpable in the room for a moment. Abby was back, at least for the time being, Stenton's prediction had not come true, at least not yet.

"What the hell were you thinking?" Luka shouted to the bleeding doctor.

"You were the one who hit me Dr. Kovac," his tone, it was uncomfortably calm, sending shivers down everyone's spines.

"And you were the one to inject her."

He nodded, and smiled more, "didn't you promise to keep her safe Dr. Weaver, in the snow? Remember that?" three security guards had rushed up to the ICU and were at the doorway watching the scene playout, listening to Stenton's confession.

"Detain him until the police arrive," she told them quickly, and pulled her phone out to call said police. How the hell had he known unless he was watching?

"What was it that she asked of you Dr. Weaver?" he kept laughing even as they security guard pulled out a pair of cuffs, and grabbed his hands.

She didn't answer him, turned away so she wouldn't have to face the bastard. It was so tempting to just beat him senseless, but she knew it wasn't an option.

"You bastard," Susan spoke for the first time, "how could you?"

"How little you know, Dr. Lewis. How little you understand."

"You left her to die in the snow," she cried.

"I'm aware of what I did and did not do, Dr. Lewis"

"She was innocent, what did she do to you?"

"She turned me down. Bitch."

"You asshole!" Susan screamed and suddenly lunged at Stenton, but Luka caught her and held her back.

"Calm down, Susan, don't... Do anything regrettable, he'll be dealt with soon enough," Luka was fighting the same urge to beat Dr. Stenton into a bloody pulp.

"He..he..he" Susan struggled to get an audible sentence out, as security finally led a smirking Stenton out of the room.

"Oh," they heard him call, "might need to start looking into dialysis," and then more laughter. "well if she survives the night,"

Finally Susan stopped struggling against Luka. Only because she was too busy crying. He didn't say anything, just held her close to him, rubbing her back, staring at Abby, lost in his thoughts.

The police began trickling in not long after, starting with a few officers who had been down in the ER checking on an injured comrade, and ending with a pair of detectives.

"How is she?" one of them spoke softly.

"Still waiting on labs. Stats aren't great."

"He's refusing to tell us what he used, but admits that he was the one,"

"What will he be charged with?"

"Rape, attempted murder, stalking.. The list goes on," he made sure that he said attempted murder, even thought he was certain it would be murder fairly soon.

"How long would he be in for, if all the convictions come in?" Susan asked, praying for something well beyond the span of a natural life. She didn't want him sentenced to life, she wanted him sentenced to three hundred years with a chance of parole in two fifty.

"Impossible to say now, however if Dr. Lockhart does pass," he paused, "it will be life,"

"Well she's not going to," Susan barked rashly.

"I'm praying that's the case," he said politely, wanting Abby to survive just as much as everyone else did.

"Thank you detective," Luka soke, deciding to end the encounter for Susan, it wasn't really a time for conversation.

"I know its not much, but we have him, maybe somehow she knows that now," he shrugged his shoulders and left the room.

"Maybe."

Luka let go of Susan who had made her way back over to Abby's bed. "...Got the son of a bitch Abby, you're safe." Susan squeezed Abby's hand, after calmed herself down a bit. Luka's attention went to Kerry.

"What was he saying about dialysis?"

"Whatever he drugged her with probably damaged her kidneys... Kidney," she corrected herself.

"Have we contacted her nephrologists?"

"Not yet, I'll call her."

"Alright," he spoke and walked over to where Susan was standing. The thought that more damage had been done to Abby's already fragile body made him want to be sick.

Kerry stared at the phone on the wall for a few moments before picking up the receiver and making the call. In an instant, the nephrologists was on her way down , she knew Abby, she knew Kerry, but she didn't know how serious Abby's case had suddenly become.

"It's three. I'm here, but I'm not supposed to be. I know you called me down for a good reason, but I'm running on half a pot of coffee, so be blunt," she said upon entering the room. Susan stared at her, then back at Kerry, then back towards Abby, was there even a point anymore? The monitors said no, the chart said no, the doctors said no.

"One of the staff was injecting her."

"Bastard was drugging her!" Susan spoke up

"May have damaged the remaining kidney." Kerry continued.

"Wonderful, may I see Abby's chart?" Susan forked it over. After a few minutes, the doctors facial expression changed, not in a good way.

"Dr. Jamieson?" Luka looked at her.

"Yes?"

"Any ideas? Suggestions, insights? Direction? Anything?"

"Depends on what the lab tests say."

"Speaking of," Susan began "We might need to consider changing out everything, we don't know what he's given her, the medication she's on, can be counter acting," Abby was in trouble, and they couldn't figure out right then how to help her.

"Of course. I'll have a nurse in to do it, I suppose."

"No, no, we'll take care of it,"

"Thanks. I'd hate to wake the two nurses on duty."

"Can you bring the supplies then?"

"Of course." She smiled and stepped out of the room, leaving Susan Luka and Kerry, to start undoing the multiple tubes and wires attached to their friend.

"Should we leave the ET tube?" Susan finally asked, breaking the near silence of the room.

"Do we want to risk it?"

"It's a risk either way, but I doubt he'd have done anything to that," it just wasn't practical, honestly.

Susan nodded, somewhat relieved. Dr. Jamieson returned, arms full of supplies, "here we go,"

"Thanks," Kerry took an IV kit while Susan went to work on the feeding tube. It took a good hour, to set everything up, make sure everything was alright, then of course to draw the blood to determine what extra damage had been done.

At six in the morning, Dr. Jaminson returned to Abby's room, the labs results in her hand. Her expression not giving away any sort of what those said results might indicate.

"What did they say?"

"Let's go talk somewhere private," she nodded behind her. Talking somewhere private was never good news.

"Where?" Susan didn't want to stray far from Abby's bedside.

"My office is just down the hall,"

"I'd... I'll stay with her, just in case, you two go," she gestured to Kerry and Luka

"Okay, we'll be right back," Luka stood up and followed both Kerry and Jaimenson out the door and down the hall.

"How bad?"

"No function," she said bluntly, no use dancing around the subject.

"She's in kidney failure." Luka brought his hand up to his forehead, this was not good news. "Is it reversible?"

She thought about her answer but quickly realized that whatever she said, the doctors would know. "I'm sorry,"

"If she regains consciousness," Luka cleared his throat, "Is there any chance she would be a candidate for transplant?"

"Absolutely, but…"

"But what?"

"Dr. Kovac, by looking at her chart, I'm not even considering looking at the transplant list for her right now,"

"I realize her odds aren't all that good, but she's made it this far..." he trailed off.

"What was he using to poison her?" Kerry asked quietly.

"Whatever it was, it was untraceable, it did an incredible amount of damage,"

"So we don't know what other damage it may cause."

"It decimated the function of her only kidney, God knows what else it did,"

"So we don't know what he gave her, don't' know what else it may have done or may be doing, and we don't know how to help Abby?"

"Basically,"

"So we wait."

"Start praying," Jamieson spoke one more time, before walking off, heading to another patient whom she could actually do something for. Praying? Kerry and Jamieson had been on again off again friends since med school, and never before had the woman so thoroughly managed to piss her off. it wasn't deliberate, but still.,

Luka stood at the entrance to Abby's room, just watching. Looking as Abby lay nearly lifeless on the gurney. Was it even humane what they were doing to her anymore? They would have to make a choice soon, whether to keep Abby alive on life support or… But who could and who would make that choice remained, for now, up in the air.


	6. Thank Abby

Susan wasn't sure what time it was, or what day. Wasn't even all that interested in the month. She had a vague inkling though, that it was still winter. Staring at Abby, waiting, that's all there was to do at the moment. She didn't know why she did it anymore, there had been no change, no improvement, no nothing. She seriously doubted that there was hope left anymore. Abby was her friend, she couldn't just give up, but she couldn't spend the rest of her life, or Abby's waiting. They had, had a few close calls with her, and been asked more then a few times about DNR's. No, none in the past, but now, if she was suffering. ..There was no way to know for certain. Abby might be in agony, but might not be. Maybe there was still hope. Susan sat back in her chair, thinking, Stenton had been arrested nearly three weeks before, Abby had been comatose for…she couldn't remember exactly, it would be in the chart.

"Go home Susan," she jerked at the sound, it was Kerry, "Not doing her or you any good."

"I can't, not yet,"

"If anything changes, I'll page you."

"I'm not leaving her Kerry,"

"She won't be alone, your family misses you."

"And what about Henry?"

"You haven't gotten much better at evasion. Cosmo, Chuck, they probably miss you."

"I will later, not now,"

"Susan, you've been living at the hospital for the past two weeks."

"I'm not going to let her die alone, Maggie and Eric are not here, I'm her best friend.."

"So you're going to wait here with her until she does die?" seemed a bit impractical, though Kerry couldn't deny having done something similar. Her alleged trip to Africa had nothing to do with Africa and everything to do with a seriously ill Jeanie Boulet.

"I signed the DNR this morning Kerry," she spoke softly, sadly. Abby had coded twice in the middle of the night and each time they managed to bring her back.. barely. It was only a matter of time now before they simply couldn't resuscitate her. The longer Abby was on life support, the more damage to her organs, the more she suffered, that was of course if she was feeling anything, and according to the EEG, she most likely was not. Even though Susan was crying as she signed the DNR, she sincerely believed what she was doing was the right choice.

"And if she doesn't crash again soon? Will you have them take her off the vent?"

Susan laughed, if Abby didn't crash again soon was an understatement, it seemed as if she was now on a regular schedule for coding. "Yes, I can't prolong this, you and I both know this isn't what Abby wants or would have wanted. There has been no improvement in five weeks, nothing." she reached down and grabbed Abby's hand in her own. Five weeks, while still incredibly early into the healing process, most patients (those that would recover) should have at least given some sign that they were still somewhat with them. Most would have regained consciences by now, or at least should have started coming out of the coma. Not Abby.

"How long will you give her to crash before..."

"I don't know." Kerry just nodded. Just about any comment she made was likely to come out wrong or be misinterpreted.

They sat that way for a while, when Susan suddenly, felt a very small, almost nonexistent movement in her hand. "Abby?" she didn't shout or jump, just sort of said it.

"Did she..." Kerry looked at Susan, mildly confused by her statement. Had Abby done something she'd missed?

Susan was obviously just as confused, it couldn't have happened, could it? "Abby, squeeze my hand hon," she directed. No, she had just accepted that her best friend was gone. However, she was more then willing to retract that DNR if Abby had indeed moved.

It wasn't quite a squeeze, but Abby's fingers definitely twitched.

"Abby!" Susan jumped up, this was impossible! "Come on Abby," Kerry had caught the second twitch, it was definitely a good sign, but she didn't want to get too optimistic just yet. Could Abby actually be waking up? If yes, what would she be like? She defiantly wouldn't be the same old Abby anymore, that was not the question. But would she be angry, depressed? Or even still, would she make it?

"Abby, please, move again, something." Susan pleaded. She responded that time, defiantly, moving her fingers back and forth, was she signing? Or just moving? Either way, they were ecstatic.

"Should call a neuro, any preference as to who?"

"Um," Susan began, trying to think of who would be a good neurologist at the moment, anyone besides Stenton. "I don't really know,"

"There's someone I know over at Mercy," Kerry offered, "they're good."

"Mercy?"

"Chief of neurology is on vacation, one of the attending is on leave, the rest are swamped and it'd probably be best if she's not treated by a resident. Dr. Vera could probably be persuaded to treat Abby here though."

"That's fine," if she wouldn't treat Abby at County, they could always transfer Abby to Mercy. Kerry pulled out her cell phone and quickly dialed the number, the neurologist was quick to answer, and agreed to treat Abby without transferring her, at least for the moment.

"Abby," Susan sat down again, "can you hear us?" she had stopped moving, just lying there, just like before. "Abby, come on," Susan said desperately, "open your eyes Abby," her voice had trailed off to barely a whisper now. She received nothing, it seemed as if Abby had gone back, to where ever she had been for over a month now. Susan shook her head, defeated. She had had gotten her hopes up, it had probably been nothing more then a spontaneous movement.

Seeing Susan's despair at her friend's return to complete abeyance, Kerry tried, she knew it wasn't likely to have any affect, but decided it was worth the try, "Abby?" Susan moved aside, and let Kerry take the post, hell, it was worth a shot. "If you can hear me, Abby, move, do something." Abby turned her head to the left ever so slightly, towards Kerry's voice. The motion was a bit of a shock, but definitely a good thing. "You're safe, you're at County..." She moved her hand again, once again towards Kerry, hearing the comforting and familiar voice.

"Dr. Vera should be here within half an hour," Kerry said to Susan, they had to try to keep Abby engaged until then at the least

"Should we call anyone else?" she was careful, not wanting to get to excited just yet.

"Wait until the neurologist sees her."

Susan nodded again, "Abby, hon, can you open your eyes?" she probably wouldn't but they had to keep talking to her. Though Abby's eyelids did seem to move, they did not open. "Abby, its Susan and Kerry, come on," Susan encouraged. The twitching lasted longer, but Abby's eyes stayed closed. With as long as she'd been out, waking up was more a process than an action.

Twenty eight minutes later, an unfamiliar doctor walked into the room, 'Dr. Vera,' Susan thought to herself, thanking God that she had finally arrived.

"Kerry, hello. Dr. Lewis, I presume?" she extended a hand to shake.

"Yes, thank you for coming,"

"You're welcome. And this must be Dr. Lockhart?" she glanced at Abby.

"That's Abby." Susan forced a smile as she reached over and pulled the stuffed dog Pratt had left weeks earlier, away from the IV tubes.

"May I see her charts?" Susan nodded and turned around, grabbing the huge chart off of the end table, before handing it over. After reading it in its entirety, which took nearly twenty minutes, she looked back up at them. "She's been comatose for a month?"

"Yeah, a little longer actually" 'seems like a lot longer though' Susan added mentally.

"Has she had spontaneous movements in the past?"

"Nothing until today,"

"She's responding to verbal commands?"

"Not consistently, but sometimes,"

"How often?"

"It just started about an hour ago, the movements, its completely random when she does respond." Susan said all the while keeping an eye on Abby and then would occasionally look back at the monitors.

"Abby," Dr. Vera started, "if you can hear and understand me, move your right hand." She didn't receive the exact response she had requested, but Abby moved her fingers on her left hand, the only hand she had moved the entire time.

"Abby, can you please move your right hand?" Susan was wondering now, why wouldn't Abby move her right hand? A million reasons popped into her head, but she shook them off and watched, no movement on the right, but she moved her left hand and grabbed the blanket. "Abby, will you please move your right hand if you can?" had there been damage to Abby's nervous system in the attack? Or could it have been from whatever Stenton had injected her with? Nothing, no kind of response that time.

"Is this her most recent lab work?"

"Yes, got it back about thirty minutes ago,"

"Still don't know what he gave her?"

"He refuses to tell, we have no idea, don't know what it does, how long he had been injecting her, we don't know anything,"

"And it's not showing up in a tox screen. We may have to wait it out."

"Could it.. I mean.." Susan didn't know how to state it, "Could it be why she wont move her right hand," side at that, no movement on her right side.

"Yes. It's a long shot, but definitely a possibility, according to the records you've shown me, there was no head or neck injury, so it's probably from whatever he drugged her with."

"Permanent?"

"Can't say yet."

"What about her regaining consciousness?"

"It will take some time."

"But you think she will?" for the first time in over a month Susan actually smiled.

"If her medical condition doesn't deteriorate, then yes."

Susan didn't say anything immediately, just smiled though her tears, "thank you,"

"Thank Abby, not me," Dr. Vera proceeded with the neuro exam.

"I will once she decides to wake up," she laughed.

"You do that," Dr. Vera grinned lightly. Though Abby's reflexes on her right side were depressed, she had a hunch that it would be temporary, that things might just work out. Susan stood back in the corner watching the doctor, watching Abby, hoping for the best. At least now, she had that back, she had hope back.


	7. Still Hurting

Four days after Dr. Vera's first visit, and Abby still had yet to open her eyes, responded more to verbal commands, not consistently, but more then before. Her right hand had even moved a bit, once. Whatever it was, it wasn't permanent, even if it was slow to wear off.

"Alright Abby," Susan began, having returned to her room with a fresh cup of coffee, "How about waking up for us today?"

The ring finger and pinkie of Abby's left hand curled closed, the index and middle finger stayed straight and together, then moved to meet her thumb. It was mildly humorous to Kerry, who knew that while it probably wasn't deliberate, it meant 'no' in sign language. It was as though Abby's personality had awoken before the rest of her.

"Yes Abby," Susan obviously had known what Abby was signing. "Open your eyes, eh? Give us a break," she continued. This time, Abby shook her head slowly, she was defiantly hearing them. "I have chocolate. Junk food. Bad chick flicks. Wake up," Susan began mentally planning their next girls' night out.

Abby heard them, heard them demanding she wake up? What was the hurry? And since when had she taken orders from anyone? She wanted to yell at them to go away, let her sleep, but couldn't speak.

"Without you there, Morris's got the run of the place Abby, you have to save Neela and Pratt."

What the hell was she blabbering about? Save Neela and Pratt why? Had they already killed someone?

Kerry rolled her eyes at the last bit, "Everyone downstairs wants to know how you're doing, c'mon, wake up, give us something to tell them." Abby thought about it, what the hell was going on? Clearly Susan and Kerry had lost their minds, fine she would wake up, prove that she was perfectly fine, that maybe she could get out of the ER earlier then expected today. Go home, have a nice relaxing bath, watch TV for a while, sounded like a good plan to her. Abby's eyes flickered open, and she was more than a little surprised when the ceiling was not that of the ER. There was no sewage leaking from it, no stains from various explosions and incidents. She wasn't in the ER or the on call room. Looked more like the ICU. What the hell? She was suddenly aware of a dull pain shooting through her body, and the she felt the annoyance of the tube in her throat. A sudden sharp pain from her back caused her to try and sit up, but found that another pain in her stomach was not going to allow that to happen. She couldn't move without pain shooting up from somewhere in her body, 'best to lay still' Abby figured out rather quickly.

"Abby? Thank God...Don't try to sit up Abby, okay?" Susan requested gently. Abby nodded slowly and as Susan tucked the blankets back around her, she noticed the fear in Abby's eyes. "It's okay, Abby. You're safe." Her left hand went to the tube in her throat, wondering why it was there. "You're intubated, but now that you're awake, we can see about having it removed, okay?" Another nod, but why, why was she intubated lying in the ICU? She turned to Kerry and suddenly remembered lying in the snow weeks before, how Kerry had rushed to her.

"Do you want a paper and pen or something? Are you in any pain? Your meds okay?" Susan was bubbling over with questions. Abby thought about it, her chest was killing her, not that she was having trouble breathing…it just hurt. Her left hand went to her chest and she looked back at Susan, hoping she would get the message.

"The thorocotomy still hurting you?" She nodded. "I'll talk with your doctors about getting some more morphine." Another nod, then she mimicked writing, wanting a pen and paper, Susan quickly found a small notepad and pen in her purse, "Here."

Abby took the pen in her right hand, but soon realized she would not be able to even hold it. She wasn't worried though, she couldn't even think clearly at the moment. She transferred the pen into her left hand. It took Abby quite a while to write down the two words, and it was doubtful anyone could be able to read them. 'thank-you' she handed the paper to Kerry. What little effort it took to write that down had completely exhausted her.

Kerry had to squint to read it, partially because she wasn't wearing her reading glasses, and partly because it the writing resembled Henry's scribbling. "Just glad to have you back, Abby."

Abby nodded and settled back into the bed, wanting to fall asleep again, needing to sleep. She knew there was a reason she was in the ICU, she vividly remembered Kerry comforting her in the snow. what she did not remember was why. But at that moment she was to tired to think anymore about it. Just as she closed her eyes, Susan spoke softly to her.

"I know you went through a lot, Abby, but you're going to get through all this." Abby opened her eyes and looked at Susan, what the hell was she talking about? "Kerry, can you call the neuro?" Susan asked, figuring they shouldn't be the only ones to know Abby was conscious. Kerry nodded and quickly stepped out of the room.

Abby forced herself to write a little more, she couldn't get all of what she wanted down on paper, just couldn't find the energy, but did manage 'What Happened?'

"Let's talk about it later kay?" Susan didn't want Abby to know the details, minutes after she had woken up.

Abby just underlined the text.

"Later," Susan emphasized, "please Abby,"

Abby added a second question mark. One track mind, she wasn't letting Susan off the hook.

"You were attacked,"

"How bad?"

"You decided to rejoin us a month later," Susan said evasively. Again, the underlining bit came into play. "You were stabbed repeatedly, Kerry found you in the snow, we didn't think you would make it though the night, but you did, and you made it through the surgery, then we didn't think you would wake up, and you did," she decided not to mention certain other things at the moment.

Abby thought Susan was leaving something out, but was too overwhelmed to complain, too tired, so she just took Susan's hand and held it.

"Abby, cant fall asleep yet, just hold on," She nodded slightly and picked a ceiling tile to stare at. Susan was so upset over something, but it was that particular something that Abby couldn't remember, and it was starting to scare her.

Kerry reentered, "Dr. Vera will be here at four." Susan nodded and glanced at the clock on the wall, 2:45, and by the look of it, Abby wouldn't be awake much longer, but did they dare let her sleep?

"Think you can stay awake until then Abby?" she nodded, of course she could, but Susan saw that she was fighting off sleep. "Want me to talk to you, or maybe get a CD or something...?" Susan asked hopefully. Abby nodded, sure why not. "Which one?"

Abby momentarily forgot the tube was down her throat and tried to form the words, didn't work out to well. 'Talk' she hastily signed, if Susan didn't understand it, Kerry was right there.

"She wants you to talk," Kerry translated. Abby's signing wasn't particularly good, but she got the point across.

Abby signed 'thank-you' once again, but she was quickly losing the battle for consciences, so tired. As Kerry signed back 'you're welcome,' Susan began to babble on every topic which came to mind. Somehow, she had to keep Abby alert and entertained for over an hour.

Abby looked back at Kerry, and signed the words 'how bad' she had to know before she fell asleep, which would be any instant now, and Kerry and Susan knew it. 3:10, fifty minutes.

"I'll tell you later, all right Abby?" Kerry offered. While she didn't think Abby needed to know all of it right away, hiding the truth was likely only to cause anger and resentment later, so she would tell, just not with Susan present, the blonde would throttle her for telling Abby the severity of her injuries.

'Chest' she signed again, it was the pain from her chest that was keeping her awake, she would have been long gone if they would have given her the morphine, maybe that's what they were doing? Withholding pain medication to ensure that she stayed awake.

Kerry finger spelled thorocotomy, then repeated the signs for 'tell you later', she wasn't in a mood to argue with Susan.

'Why?' came next, Abby had led them right into it. Kerry just pointed at Susan, hoping Abby would figure the rest out. Abby looked back and forth at the two of them, they were hiding something, but she couldn't fight right then, she closed her eyes.

"No Abby, stay awake!" Susan practically jumped on Abby. She didn't open her eyes, shook her head, they weren't going to tell her what was going on, she wasn't going to listen. She was tired and damn it she was going to sleep.

"Susan, why don't you go for coffee or something, I'll talk with Abby for a while?" Kerry tried, guessing that if she volunteered some information about what had happened, Abby might stay awake.

"I.." she started but with a quick glance from Kerry, Susan realized that she'd better leave. "I'll be right back Abby," she squeezed her hand one more time and left the room, figuring she could go tell the good news to her staff.

"It's later, if you want me to tell you, I will," Kerry said as soon as Susan was safely down the hall. Abby nodded, didn't open her eyes, but nodded.

"You were attacked...Stabbed multiple times, beaten," Kerry paused, trying to decide if she should glance over one detail fro the time being, but no, it wouldn't do any good in the long run, "raped, and left in the snow for dead."

The last part got her attention and her eyes shot open, and focused on Kerry. 'when'

"About a month ago."

Abby nodded trying to absorb the information, taking in what Kerry had just told her. When one tear slowly made its way down her cheek, she tried to raise her right hand to wipe it away, but it hurt to much, her arm to heavy. Kerry quickly wiped the tear away, instantly regretting her blunt honesty. Susan's way might have been better. Only might though, there wasn't really a way to know for sure.

'Tired,' Abby signed again, 'please..sleep'

"You can't until the neurologist gets here," she looked up at the clock, "which should be any minute."

She nodded again, something in her mind was alarming about a neurologist at the hospital. Kerry had told her she had been attacked, that was all she knew.

"They caught him though," she added almost as an afterthought. Abby didn't sign, didn't have the energy, but the look in her eyes, Abby was more then scared. "He's in prison, he can't hurt you again."

'What else,' she signed.

"You've needed to be on dialysis."

A blank expression came across Abby's face, this was getting worse and worse. She shook her head, maybe this was just a horrible, horrible nightmare, maybe if she just closed her eyes, she might wake up.

Just then, Susan reentered the room, "Back, God, forgot how bad the coffee in the cafeteria tends to be. Should've just gotten it from the lounge, at least I wouldn't have had to pay for it." She looked down at Abby and knew Kerry had told, damn it. Susan dumped her coffee, deeming the stuff impotable, shot Kerry a very telling glare, then returned to Abby's side. Abby knew she had returned, felt Susan bend down and hug her, but didn't react, didn't know what to do.

Finally, Dr. Vera arrived, fifteen minutes late. Susan looked up, grateful to see the specialist, grateful for the escape from the questions she knew Abby was wanting to ask. "Dr. Lockhart, glad to see you're awake, I hope you're feeling a bit better." Abby nodded, looking at the stranger that had entered the room, obviously she was the neurologist.

"Is it okay if I do a brief exam?"

Another nod, as long as it was brief, she wanted to sleep. The exam was reasonably quick, a few standard bits, 'what color is the paper' and 'catch the pencil', nothing out of the ordinary.

As soon as she was gone, Abby turned to Kerry, and grabbed the tube, seemingly unaware of the extensive damage that had yet to be repaired to her heart and lungs.

"It can't come out Abby, not yet."

She rolled her eyes, 'I fine' she managed to once again spell, Susan laughed.

"You'll need some more surgery before you can breathe on your own." She wanted to know why, but couldn't stand it anymore, she had to sleep. She closed her eyes and was out like a light, leaving Kerry and Susan.

Once Susan was certain Abby was asleep, she pounced, "What the hell did you tell her?"

"The truth," all though she had emitted certain aspects.

"She just woke up!"

"I didn't tell her everything, just about the attack and dialysis."

"That seems about everything Kerry!" her voice rose a little as Luka entered the room.

"And that he had been arrested. She has a right to know."

"I know she does..but.." Kerry was right, "how did she take it?" Kerry shrugged, about how she'd expected.

"She's telling us she's fine.."

"That's not new, Susan."

"Think we can get her to talk about it?"

"I don't know, maybe."

Susan nodded and then smiled "at least she's here for us to fight over her,"

"That's something," the brooding Croatian in the corner spoke.

"Hi Luka," Susan said softly, not wanting to wake up Abby.

"Susan, Kerry," he nodded to them, "How's she doing? I heard she woke up."

"Oh she defiantly woke up," Susan laughed. "She wants the tube out,"

"If I recall correctly, that's not an option for a while."

"Does Dubenko know? I would guess he would be the one to do the surgery,"

"He'll find out soon if he doesn't already."

"Think he'll want to do it right away?"

"Probably sooner rather than later."

"Wonderful," Susan paused "does she know about Stenton, what he was doing?"

"No, just that her attacker is in custody."

Susan was about to speak, when Dubenko rushed into the room, only now hearing that Abby had regained conciseness. "She's awake?" he was slightly breathless from sprinting.

"Well she's no longer comatose," Susan laughed. "She'll wake up now, when asked to"

"Asked might not be the right way of putting it, but I'm glad to hear she's out of the coma."

"She keeps pulling on her ET tube, its just a guess, but I think she wants it out," a suttle way of dropping a hint to Dubenko.

"They're not comfortable, but she's going to have to wait at least until after the next surgery."

"Which is…"

"Going to happen some time in the next three days if she consents for it."

"Why wouldn't she?"

"One never knows with Dr. Lockhart."

"But its repairable right?"

"Quite."

"Good," she looked down to see that Abby seemed to be waking up, "go back to sleep," she whispered, knowing Abby need the rest. Surprisingly, Abby complied.

"That will never happen again," Luka laughed.

"Probably true." It was hard to believe that Abby had actually complied, but then again, Abby always did her own thing, defied everyone's expectations and had a truly unique way of doing things.


	8. Stable Enough

She had slept the majority of the past two days, only able to stay awake for few periods at a time. This time when she woke up, Susan, Kerry, Luka and Dubenko were all gathered in her room, checking her SATS.

She waved at them to get someone's attention. Dubenko was the first to notice. 'going on?' she signed, wondering, knowing something was about to happen.

Dubenko looked to Kerry and Susan, quite confused by the gestures.

"She wants to know what' s going on." Abby nodded a thank you then focused her attention back towards the surgeon.

"We were discussing the possibility of more surgery so you can breathe on your own."

'now?'

"You seem stable enough. If you want it now..."

Abby looked to Kerry and Susan, didn't know what she wanted right then. Well, she wanted their opinions.

"You can come off the vent, get out the tube," Susan offered enthusiastically.

But that would mean they would have to crack her again, there was a chance that she could go back into the coma, but not wake up this time. Then again, she would have an even better chance of returning to her life..or something that somewhat resembled it. She laughed to herself, she would never take breathing for granted again.

"Well, Dr. Lockhart?" Dubenko pressed, "should I get the consent forms for you?"

She looked at Kerry, 'what damage?' they had yet to tell her what they need to repair.

"Left bronchial tube, some damage to both lungs, as well as the left ventricle and aortic root."

'Bad?' even though she would never admit it, she was scared about having the surgery.

"Well, it's not good."

She nodded and thought about it, 'if..no' she tried to sign, knowing she had left out a few key gestures, but hoping someone would get the message. What would happen if she didn't consent?

"If you don't have the surgery, you'll need to stay on the vent."

'how long' there had to be the possibility that it could repair itself…right?

"Indefinitely."

She thought about it, a possibility of life on a vent, or risk her life to have a life again. Abby knew immediately which choice to pick. She slowly nodded, consenting to the surgery.

"I'll go get the paperwork and book the OR," Dubenko left.

"It will be okay Abby," Susan reassured her best friend, seeing how nervous she was. Abby nodded again, trying to fight back the tears that were threatening to spill over, she had awoken from a coma, apparently, after being attacked, stabbed, raped and left for dead in the snow over a month ago..apparently. She didn't remember any of it, and that was more frustrating then the surgery she was about to face. "Hey Abby, it's okay, you'll be better soon," Susan wasn't all that convincing.

'don't lie' Abby, the drugs finally starting to wear off, had a feeling that they were hiding something from her, but she couldn't figure out what it was.

"What makes you think I'm lying?" Susan asked, shocked that she had been so transparent.

'best friend' she paused trying to figure out how to sign the next words, but gave in and just wrote 'you're my best friend I know.'

"You'll get past this Abby," Susan took her hand and tried to play brave.

'chart,' she signed to Kerry, she knew if they were hiding something, it would be in her chart.

"Once you've gotten some rest we'll go over it, okay?"

'all of it?' she glared at them.

"Yes," Kerry just hoped the bit with Stenton wouldn't freak her out too badly.

'okay' she signed, knowing Kerry would keep her word, as Dubenko and two nurses entered the room.

"Here," he handed her a clipboard and pen.

She looked it over a bit, something in the back of her mind telling her not to sign, but she did. Left handed signature..if that's what they could call it, it looked more like a preschoolers hand writing, writing her name for the first time.

"Thanks, we'll start in half an hour, if that's amicable."

Another nod, half an hour, that was soon, way to soon. She turned to Kerry again, 'how long' wanting to know how long the surgery would take.

It was hard to say for certain, but a safe estimate, erring on the side of caution, was something to the effect of "four to six hours, barring complications."

'last one?' she didn't want another one, didn't want this one, but really had no choice.

"There's still the issue of your kidney, but this will probably be the last one for a while. Let you recover for a bit," Susan chimed.

And there it was. One thing Abby knew they had been hiding, 'kidney?' not plural she noticed.

"I told you earlier, Abby. You've needed to be on dialysis, kidney failure. Once you've recovered from this operation, you have the option of a transplant."

Knowing she could look at the chart in a few hours, Abby just closed her eyes, to tired to write or sign anything complicated right then. She had way to much to think through, and now another surgery just added to that ever growing list.


	9. Extubation Now

Abby slowly became aware of the consistent beeping of monitors, all surrounding her, and then the headache. Not horribly bad by all means, just annoying. Hopefully Tylenol could get rid of it.

"Dr. Lockhart, you're awake. I'll just go get Dubenko," it was a circulating nurse, vaguely familiar, what was her name... Kit?

Abby nodded, and opened her eyes, seeing Kerry talking with someone else outside her door, but as soon as Kerry noticed she was awake, came back into the room. Abby, suddenly remembered what the surgery was about, was tired of signing and writing, wanted to hear her own voice, but when she tried to speak, nothing. She looked down and saw the tube.. what the hell had happened, had something gone wrong?

"Hey Abby," Kerry said as she approached, "Dr. Dubenko will tell you as soon as he gets here, but the surgery went well."

She nodded, thank God, but why was she still intubated? She pulled at it, knowing Kerry would get what she was trying to communicate.

"I should probably let Dubenko do that."

She looked at her Kerry, her gaze saying, well get his ass in here now.

"He's on his way."

'slow' she signed and rolled her eyes, trying to joke.

Kerry did laugh slightly before she caught herself. "If he's not here in a few minutes, I'll extubate," she said finally, it wasn't technically against policy.

'how about now?' as she signed Abby convinced herself that once she got out of this hospital she was going to enroll in a sign language class, her attempts were pathetic, thank God for Kerry who was somehow able to translate.

Contrary to popular opinion, Kerry didn't actually like to piss people off, it was just something that tended to happen... "Five minutes, I don't need Dr. Dubenko accusing me of poaching his patient."

Abby rolled her eyes, she was tired of waiting, tired of a damn machine breathing for her. She wanted to get out of the bed, or at least attempt to sit up in it. Five minutes came and went though, without hide or hair of Dr. Hair. Abby pointed at the clock. Kerry had promised that she would extubate in five minutes, it was five minutes.

'promised' Abby signed, 'I do it myself' she threatened.

Unfortunately, Kerry knew all to well that Abby would try to extubate herself, "Okay, let's get that tube out," Kerry unhooked the ventilator hose and turned the thing off, then deflated the balloon, "Deep breath, blow out, you know the drill."

Abby obeyed and suddenly felt the horrible feeling of the tube being pulled out. As soon as it was out, she was thrown into a coughing fit, her body having to breathe on its on for the first time in over a month now. A nurse quickly brought over a cup of ice chips for Abby in hopes of soothing her throat.

After a good five minutes, Abby turned to Kerry, "thank you," she whispered, her voice horse, and her throat killing her.

"No problem, entubation isn't exactly pleasant."

"no, I mean for everything," Abby still couldn't remember all the details of that night, most of them, but she distinctly remembered Kerry telling her she would be alright.

"You're welcome. Want me to get Susan for you?"

"Where is she?"

"I think I sent her to the lounge to sleep, but she ordered half the staff to page her when you woke up."

"Let her sleep,"

"She'll have someone's head for it, probably mine."

Abby laughed, "she'll probably get here faster then Dubenko," now that she didn't have the tube in her mouth, it was her throat that was hurting.

"Probably got stuck with an emergency hernia repair or the like. I'm going to just page Susan quickly, okay?"

Abby, suddenly the thought of being alone scared the hell out of her, "you're leaving?" she asked, trying to push herself into a seating position, but failed miserably.

"Relax, there's a phone right there," she pointed to the corner of Abby's room.

Abby nodded, trying to calm herself down, but only succeeding in growing more frustrated when she discovered she couldn't sit up.

"Just lay back, major surgery, you probably shouldn't be too active when you just woke up from anesthesia."

"I'm sick of lying down, I want to sit up," she didn't quite snap, but Kerry heard the anger in her voice.

"At least use a couple of pillows to hold you up."

"I can do it myself,"

"Don't strain yourself."

She nodded and tried again, only to fail again. Wonderful. The pain was shooting through various parts of her body now, parts she knew that she hadn't just had surgery on.

"Abby, you were completely immobile for over a month, you're going to need physical therapy to rebuild your strength."

"I should at least be able to sit up,"

"Not really."

"I have to be able to do something without anything helping," she fired.

Kerry decided not to argue, Abby had just come out of major surgery and shouldn't be upset. She went over to the phone and dialed in Susan's pager number. As soon as she hung up, Dubenko moseyed on in.

"Dr. Lockhart, glad to see you awake. Where's the ET tube?

"The purpose of the surgery was so I could breathe on my own, obviously you didn't seem to care that I had a tube stuck down my throat and take your time getting down here," she was pissed and it was obvious to both Kerry and Dubenko

"I wanted to check on you before I extubated. You know, make sure that you were regaining consciousness."

"I did, an hour ago," Susan had snuck into the room and was quietly observing watching Abby's anger only escalate.

"I was in surgery." Abby nodded, not really in the mood to fight with the surgeon, she was to frustrated at herself right then, didn't need to be angry at anyone else.

"Abby, thank God you're awake again," Susan was just a wee bit over concerned.

"Hi Susan," she whispered but kept her gaze down at the sheets.

"Feeling better?"

"Yeah, I am," she lied, but Susan and Kerry after working with Abby for years, knew when she was lying, they didn't need to have known her for years, the way she looked spoke volumes.

"Want me to get you anything?" Susan just needed something to do. Before she went insane.

"Can I get out of this room?" she asked hopefully, just for a while, she knew probably not out of the ICU, but just for a change of scenery for a little bit.

"I'm sure it could be arranged."

"Did you repair everything you needed to?" she asked Dubenko softly.

"Only remaining issue, barring postoperative complications, is your kidney."

"Only one?" nobody had told her that one had been removed, all she knew was that she was on dialysis.

"I thought someone went over that with you? One of them had to be removed in the first surgery."

"No," she said bluntly "I was told I needed dialysis that was it. I still don't know the extent of my injuries, and I know you are hiding something else from me!" she would have screamed if she could, but her throat was not going to allow that to happen any time soon.

"Would you like someone to go over your charts with you? Ought to take a few hours, and I can't make room in my schedule," he fumed a bit, steam was practically visible coming from his ears.

"As a doctor it is generally included in your responsibilities!"

"As a surgeon, my responsibility is to cut."

"And you obviously did a good job of it, but is that where your responsibly ends?"

"Yes, it is."

"Well then your beside manner could use some work," He just left, mumbling something about a pancreatic duodenostomy. Susan shot Kerry a worried glance as soon as Dubenko was gone, they knew Abby would be upset, but this was defiantly not what they were expecting.

"It's okay, Abby, it's fine, he's a jerk, he's a surgeon, it's pretty typical," Susan reassured.

"He's nothing more then an argent asshole,"

"Exactly, not worth getting pissed off at. He's Romano the sequel."

"I don't want him back in here," what she wanted more then anything was to go home and go home now.

"I'll look into it," Susan said noncommittally.

"I said I don't want him back in here," she said through her teeth.

"Someone has to do the wound check, remove the sutures and such."

"You're both doctors, at least the last time I remember you were,"

"I'm not sure if it's a good idea Abby, I mean, I'm in the ER, not surgery, it's probably against protocol anyhow, right Kerry?"

"No actually, it's allowable."

"I think I have the right to tell who is allowed to touch me and who isn't, don't you think so Dr. Lewis," she said and looked Susan right in the eye, daring her to contradict what she was saying.

"I just meant that he's the surgeon, and it's his job..."

"I don't want him, or anyone else touching me," her voice cracked, but she quickly recovered, hoping that they hadn't noticed, but they had.

"Someone needs to look after you Abby."

"I'm a doctor.." she started

"You can't treat yourself."

"Watch me," Abby knew what Susan was saying was absolutely true, but she had never taken orders from anyone, never turned down a dare and that's exactly what Susan seemed to be doing, daring her. She could, she would figure out a way, just to prove them wrong.

"You don't need to prove anything Abby, Susan or I can handle it. Or someone else if you'd prefer."

She stopped for a minute, trying to stop the tears that were threatening to spill over. "What happened to me?"

"You were attacked Abby, you know that," Susan emphasized the second part of the sentence.

She shook her head again, "I know something else happened, something nobody is telling me, I know I was attacked, I know he tried to kill me…"

"Attacked, raped, later poisoned."

"Poisoned, that's what I didn't know about," she said calmly, scaring Susan. She knew that if she had found out that she had been poisoned, she defiantly would not be acting like Abby was.

"He ended up causing kidney failure, it's what kept you in the coma for so long."

"So the first one was because of a stab wound and the second went into failure because of poisoning?"

"Yes."

"with what?"

"No one's been able to figure it out."

She didn't know what to say anymore, had so many questions running though her head, but for some reason couldn't think of any. "when can I go home," was the only one.

"When you can walk a lap around the floor."

"And I cant even sit up yet," she said resigned, realizing she would be in the hospital for a long time to come.

"You'll get there, just give it time."

"I want to go home, I'll arrange for home health care," she was having some very short clips of her attacker, and somehow she thought in some strange way, he was associated with this hospital.

"When you're up to going home, that's a good idea."

"I can go home tomorrow, I'm fine,"

"You're still on a twelve lead, EKG, several IV medications, can't sit up, you're not fine," Susan insisted.

"I can take the medications at home," she tried, knowing she couldn't win, but refusing to give up.

"No one will discharge you. No sane doctor at this hospital would consider you ready to go home."

"I can sign out AMA if I want,"

"Not if you can't get yourself home."

"I can call a cab,"

"Can you get yourself to the cab?"

"I can, if not I'm sure someone would help me,"

"Who?"

"I cant think of anyone off the top of my head Susan, obviously that person would not be my best friend!" she didn't mean to sound hateful, just didn't have any other way to vent her anger at the moment.

"I'm just trying to look out for you, Abby!" Susan made a point of not showing that the comment had stung.

"And I just want to go home!" and that's when she lost it, finally just started bawling.

"Sorry, I'm sorry... I didn't mean to..." Susan soon realized she was wasting her breath. Abby didn't responded, but put her head into her knees, embarrassed that she was crying in front of them. She was not supposed to cry! "It's alright Abby, you can go home soon, not now, but soon." Again she didn't respond, so Susan gently pulled her into a hug and let her cry onto her shoulder.

Susan stayed like that for a good ten minutes before she realized that the sobbing had stopped.

"Abby?" she whispered already having an idea why the sobbing had subsided. She didn't answer and Susan knew she had finally fallen back to sleep. She carefully laid her friend back down and tucked her in properly, hoping the rest of Abby's convalescence was a bit less tear drenched. She slowly stood up and turned to Kerry. "that went well," she spoke softly as she and Kerry walked out of the room.

"What did you expect?"

"I don't know! Not that! She's going to hurt herself!"

"She's Abby, she's stubborn."

"You don't think that was…" Susan couldn't think of the word, abnormal wasn't the word considering the whole situation was abnormal.

"After going through hell, I think she's allowed to be off."

"What about her wanting to sign out AMA, you know she wont drop the subject,"

"She may realize she isn't capable of it right now."

"Doesn't mean she will give up,"

"There's not much we can do about that now, Susan."

"We cant let her sign out," she shook her head and glanced back into Abby's room making sure that she was still asleep.

"There's criteria for leaving AMA. The patient has to be able to get themselves out of the hospital."

"And you don't think that she'll find a way to do that?"

"How? She can't sit up on her own Susan, she's going to need hours of therapy before she can do that, much less get herself home."

She nodded, but then another aspect came into mind "I'm worried about her getting depressed Kerry. Abby is so fiercely independent, this is..I'm worried,"

"Either it'll pass on its own, or she'll see someone from psych."

"And that will go over well," both options sucked right then in Susan's opinion.

"See any more productive alternatives? Maybe grind up some Prozac and put it in her IV? Or Effexor in her food? I'm sure that'll be a much better way of going about it," Kerry's sarcasm was completely undisguised.

"Well she's going to need something! Another drug to the list she's already on!"

"Susan," Kerry began, thoroughly exasperated, "Calm down, will you? And be rational."

Susan squeezed her eyes shut, "yeah, I'm sorry,"

"Don't apologize, just don't do anything that would betray her trust, Susan."

"I think that's going to be half the problem Kerry, she's not going to trust any of us for a long time," Susan said sadly.

"She trusts you, that's about it. If you're the one she's going to trust, you'd better not screw it up, it'll do her a hell of a lot more harm than good."

Susan smiled, "is that a threat?"

Kerry arched an eyebrow, far from amused, "You just need to be cautious."

"I think she trusts you to Kerry,"

Kerry was close to saying she doubted it, but that even if that was the case, she knew better than to do anything stupid, but quickly caught her tongue, "Has Luka been up to see her yet?"

She shook her head, "he wants to make sure she is comfortable with men in the room before he comes to visit," smart move.

"Probably for the best. Everyone in the ER know she's out of the surgery at least?"

"Yeah, they know, wouldn't leave me alone until I told them so,"

"Good, so we don't have to inform then. Things busy downstairs?"

"No, been pretty slow actually. I'm surprised with all the media attention that we've been getting, I thought for sure every sick soul would descend upon our ER, wanting to get on TV."

"Got lucky on that, I suppose."

"Can you imagine if she turns on the TV and sees her story on the news?" Susan laughed at what Abby's reaction would be.

"That might be enough to propel her out of bet, to slaughter the reporter."

"Our us, for letting it get out of the hospital," the mood had lightened, slightly.

"There was no way we could keep it a secret."

"Kerry, do you think she knows who did it?" Susan hadn't mentioned Stenton's name, and doubted Kerry had either. But then again, they didn't even know how much Abby remembered. She may have remembered all of it, or none of it, they simply didn't know.

"I don't think so. She doesn't seem to remember the attack."

"Not remember, or not wanting to talk?"

"She didn't seem to know any of what happened when she regained consciousness. If she remembers anything, it's probably very fragmented. Maybe she's repressing the memory."

"Should we attempt to get her to recall anything?" Susan honestly didn't know.

"I think for now, she's got enough to deal with."

Susan nodded, "do you know when her next dialysis appointment is scheduled?" Susan asked, knowing Abby had not had one since she had regained consciences.

"Tomorrow morning, I believe."

Susan made a mental note to be with Abby when the nephrologists came in, "and when will she start physical therapy?" just two of the specialists Abby would be dealing with for a long time to come.

"As soon as I can arrange for it. Probably some time tomorrow afternoon if she isn't too wiped out by the dialysis."

"And if she agrees to it,"

"That too, though I doubt she'll refuse it."

"Let's hope," she smiled sadly and walked back into Abby's room before once again resuming her post.


	10. Remembering

The first round of dialysis, at least why she was conscience, went relatively smoothly, but far from pleasant. It was what she had to look forward to from now on, at least for a while. She had just woken up, and Kerry had informed her earlier that morning that she could get out of the room today…only to go to physical therapy. She must have dozed off again, because she when she reopened her eyes, Kerry and Susan were there.

"Don't either of you have anything to be doing?"

"Morning to you to Sunshine," Susan replied sarcastically as she walked over to Abby's bedside.

"I was serious. Chief of the ER, chief of staff, you've both got young kids, and stuff. And the hospital doesn't pay you to stand vigil."

"Abby, we.." Susan started, but didn't know where to go with this. Abby was miserable, and she was starting to make it clearer and clearer each passing day.

"You care, you want to see me get all better, I know, I've heard it before."

"Abby, what's wrong?" Susan asked bluntly

"That you think it's all that simple. There's just one little thing you can fix in your minds."

"And what's that?" Susan looked at Kerry, making sure she was hearing the same thing.

"No, that's the problem. In your minds, you think it's like a broken arm, splint it and it'll heal. This isn't like that."

"Then tell us what to do, how do we help you?"

"Right now, I don't know."

"How about telling us what you remember?" she risked.

"I don't remember."

"Anything? Do you remember who did it?" Susan asked, approaching the subject nobody had dared to since Abby had awoken days earlier.

"Nothing."

"Would you like to talk to the police, see what they've put together?"

"I guess."

"Okay, I'm going to try and get a hold of the detective alright? Do you need anything else?"

"San Pellegrino and a lobster dinner. No. Thanks."

"Hey," Susan put on a fake smile. "Pratt and Luka want to come and visit, would that be alright?"

"Sure. One at a time."

"Alright, Kerry, do you have any idea where that cops' number is?" Susan, of course, knew where it was, but wanted, needed to talk to Kerry, without Abby hearing.

"I'll check," Kerry caught on immediately, only hoping that Abby hadn't gotten it. Abby didn't say anything as the two got up and left, just stared straight ahead, seemingly lost in thought.

"What?" Kerry asked as soon as they were out of earshot.

"What?" Susan replied amazed that Kerry had asked the question. "What the hell are we doing?"

"We're trying our best not to make things worse."

"I think we've failed at that," Susan and Abby had been friends for to long for Susan not to realize what was happening.

"If you have any ideas, this would be the time.

"She's depressed, she's past depressed," Susan said and brought her hands to her head, before leaning against the wall.

"She was brutally attacked and in a coma for a month only to discover she'll be on dialysis indefinitely and she can barely move, what were you expecting? Mary Sunshine?"

"We have to do something for her, maybe get her outside..I don't know," she was grasping at straws ignoring the one thing they knew Abby needed.

"You think a few minutes of fresh air is going to fix this?"

"Do you have any ideas?"

"There's a reason I didn't go into psychiatry, Susan. Maybe just try listening. Talk to her, it doesn't have to be about what happened. Just be there, be her friend. Beyond that, I don't know."

"I've been being her friend, she's withdrawing from me, from us."

"You think I hadn't noticed?"

Susan shook her head, "Do they have any idea when they are planning to release her?" they needed to stay ahead of Abby, and right now sending her home was probably not a good plan.

"Not really."

"An estimate?"

"A few weeks at the soonest."

"Great. I'm sure she's going to love to hear that,"

"That would be the exceedingly liberal estimate."

"Think it would help if we could get her out any earlier?"

"Do you want her out sooner?"

"I just want her to start feeling that she is getting back to a somewhat normal routine,"

"She can't be released in her current state."

"Mental or physical?"

"Take your pick."

"Even if she was physically able…"

"Exactly my point. You know as well as I do that she wouldn't hire a home care worker, she can't take care of herself now, and that's not going to change if she goes home too soon."

Susan laughed sarcastically "yeah, lets try telling her that,"

Abby decided television, was a good source of entertainment, anything to keep her mind off of what had happened. She felt around for the button that would turn on the TV and finally after a while, she pressed it and volia, the picture appeared. Daytime television was horribly mundane. Talk shows, infomercials, maybe there'd be something of interest on the news? She looked at the clock, nearly one, no local news would be on, she would have to settle for CNN. Oh well, it was better then nothing.

"The case against Dr. Stenton is progressing quite well, according to Chicago area prosecutors," the reporter dictated as his image flashed across the screen.

"Dr. Stenton?" Abby muttered under her breath, the name sounded vaguely familiar, she decided to continue watching. Photographs of Stenton were shown, and then she knew why he was familiar. She felt her heart speed up, she started to sweat, her chest tighten, anxiety starting to overwhelm her. He was the one... The bits she remembered suddenly fit together now that her attacker had a face. How he had approached her that night as she walked out of the ICU, just back from checking on a patient. She squeezed her eyes shut, but the anxiety grew, he was with her now.

It wasn't just the dialysis and her kidney, or the poisoning that had been kept secret from her, it was her attacker. Damn them all, she thought hatefully. One of their own had done it, and they knew it! And had not only not told her, but acted as if they didn't know him either! She was past mad, she was fuming, so angry that tears were falling down her cheeks, she didn't even hear Pratt enter the room.

"You okay Abby?" he knew the answer was no, but not asking wasn't right, and just running up and hugging her would be a less than brilliant idea. She sat there, shaking, her mind had traveled back to that night over a month ago, for the first time, she was reliving it all over again. "Abby?" he repeated her name, trying to get her attention. He got nothing, but the news caught his attention, Stenton was pictured, Abby apparently had not remembered anything, at least until now. "Abby, it's okay, they caught him, he's in prison."

She heard someone talking to her, a deep male voice, it was familiar, yet at the same time more then frightening.

"You're safe, everyone at the hospital is on your side. Luka, Sam, Susan, Haleh, Chuny, Conni..." He took a small step towards her, trying to be as non threatening as possible, but he accidentally hit the bed, causing Abby to jump at the sudden, unexpected movement. "I'm sorry! I won't hurt you, I promise."

She opened her eyes and looked straight at him, but to Pratt it seemed as though she was looking straight through him, something was wrong. "Hey, Abby, it's fine, you're fine. It's me, Pratt."

"Please.." she whispered, still lost in her trance.

"Please what?"

"I wont' I promise," she was talking to Stenton in her mind, that's who was there.

"Won't what? What's wrong Abby?" His concern was mounting every second, this was not like Abby at all, where the hell was someone, anyone? "Abby?" he tried one last time. If she didn't respond, he was getting someone else. He looked down at her hand, how she had grasped whatever was available, in this case it was the IV tube, and squeezed it tight, her knuckles turning white.

That was it, he headed out, "I'll be back in a minute," and scanned the hall for anyone who might have a clue what to do. He saw Luka heading down the hallway, probably coming to see Abby, but was it a good idea brining in another male?

"Luka, probably shouldn't go in right now."

"Something wrong?"

"She um..." for lack of a better explanation, "she's out of it."

Luka glared at him "what do you mean, out of it?" he was thinking unconscious and was about to reprimand Pratt for leaving Abby.

"Freaked out. Almost catatonic."

"Page Susan now," he ordered and ran down the hall, grabbing a nurse before heading into Abby's room. Pratt complied, wondering exactly what was wrong now.

"Dr. Lockhart?" the nurse had arrived first, and ran over to Abby's bedside, seeing the state she was in. No reaction. Abby had petrified. "Abby," the nurse slowly reached over and pressed the button, turning off the TV, "hon, its alright," she reassured. Still, Abby remained still. Susan bust through the doors.

"What the hell?" she asked and raced over to Abby's side. "It's me, Susan. What's wrong?" she didn't receive anything, Abby was just.. there. "You're starting to scare me here, please, just... Say something?"

Abby didn't respond, although she could hear them, all she saw, in her mind, was Stenton. "Please don't do this."

"Susan.." Luka started, "we need to do something," either sedation or call psyche, but something had to happen rather quickly.

"What do you suggest, Doctor?"

"I don't know.." he said softly, watching as Abby continued in her trance. "Abby?" he spoke softly, knowing it would probably wouldn't do anything, but had to try.

"Psych. Have them handle it." The nurse nodded and ran out of the room to page the correct department. "Come on Abby," Susan tried again, reaching down, she gently grabbed her hand and tried to pry the IV tube from its grasp. Finally, she decided that the effort was in vain, it was more likely that she'd tear the tube than get it out of Abby's fist.

Abby, was slowly hearing Susan trying to comfort her, felt her gently touch her hand, but it was like she was paralyzed with fear, couldn't snap out of whatever she was in.

"C'mon Abby. Please," just then, a doctor from psych came in. Susan looked up at the new doctor, her gaze begging the newcomer to do something anything. "Help her," she pleaded.

"I'll see what I can do."

"Thank you," Susan hesitantly backed away from Abby.

"Dr. Lockhart?" the resident's voice was unwavering. She received nothing, just like Susan, Luka, the nurse and Pratt had. "I'm Dr. Nekokai, I want to help you." Still, nothing, just Abby staring straight ahead, hardly blinking. "But you have to let me, have to talk to someone." Ha, no she didn't, Abby didn't have to do anything anymore, she had come for the most part, out of the nightmare, but refused to move, to let anyone in. "Are you willing to try?" she didn't reply, but Susan noticed how her grip on the tube had loosened somewhat. "That's all it takes, you willing to take a chance, give it your best shot." Abby didn't answer, not surprisingly, and Susan, Luka and Pratt all exchanged worried glances, this was bad, very bad. "You're not being tested, this is not pass or fail, but to get past this, you have to want to." Her grip had completely let go of the tube, maybe she had snapped out of it? At least that's what the other doctors were hoping for.

"Are you willing to give this a try?" finally after a good five minutes, Abby turned her head, instead of looking straight ahead, she focused her gaze down at the blankets on the bed, away from everyone else, everyone who had kept his identify from her.

And then, out of nowhere, she spoke, softly. "Get out," she ordered.

"Are you sure?"

"All of you.. just leave," she shook, so angry at them.

"Okay. We're going."

"Wait," Susan started, "Abby.." she started to approach the bed, but Abby suddenly stopped her.

"Go."

"No," she said simply "I'm not leaving you like this,"

"Go away."

"And I already said no," she sat down next to Abby on the bed.

"Go away now."

"Not until you tell me what this is all about," Kerry had entered the room, and was standing in the corner next to Luka and Pratt, the other two having not yet seen her.

"Go away now damn it."

"Why are you mad at me? What did I do?"

"Just leave."

Susan just stared not knowing what else to do, obviously something had happened, but what? When she had left an hour ago, Abby was angry, but not like this. "Abby, please don't do this," she tried one more time. "Don't shut us out,"

"Why not?"

"Because Abby, we want to help, we want to get you out of this hospital, get back home, come back to the ER!" she tired to sound encouraging.

"Goodie goodie. Go away."

"Okay, lets go for a walk," she turned to the nurse and politely requested a wheelchair to be brought in.

"D'ruther not."

"Just to get out of the room for a while, come on," she offered her hand hoping Abby would let someone actually help her do something. Maybe if they got her out of the room for a while, it would help. They had to try.

"No. Thanks anyhow."

"Fine, how about watch a little TV then huh?" she reached to press the button that would turn on the television.

"No. Leave. Get the hell out."

"Susan," Luka's voice was firm, "come on," he nodded outside

"But..."

"Now," he looked back at Abby. "get some rest okay? We'll come by to see you later,"

Susan considered staying, but finally agreed and followed Luka out.

"What the hell happened?" she snapped at Pratt.

"She just... She was like that when I went in."

"Well somebody said something, or she saw something.." and then it occurred to Susan, "or she remembers,"

"There was a story on the news..."

"What story?"

"About the attack."

"Oh God," Susan said softly, it would explain Abby's behavior.

"Yeh, that'd cover it about."

"Kerry," Susan turned to look at her boss, who had been silent in the whole thing, "she didn't say anything to you..maybe you could try?"

"For whatever good that'll do," she paused, "I'll give it a shot."

Susan nodded, hoping Kerry could at least get through to Abby. A task, at least judging from the last meeting, most would deem impossible at the moment.

Kerry went in, stood just inside the door frame, Abby didn't need to think she was being ganged up on, probably didn't want anyone near her.

"are you here to try and convince me that Susan is only trying to help?" she didn't look up, but somehow Abby knew it was Kerry in the room.

"Seems to me that your mind's made up, you're stubborn, and believe me, I understand stubborn. I doubt I could convince you of anything you didn't want to believe."

"Then why are you here?"

"I'm not entirely sure actually. Not to check up on you since there's no point in that with half a dozen nurses and a twelve lead, so maybe to socialize," Kerry knew Abby wouldn't believe that one, she wasn't exactly noted for her close relationships with coworkers, "Maybe for a bit of peace and quiet. "

"Why didn't anyone tell me it was him?"

"They probably didn't want to scare you, or they didn't see it as relevant."

"So seeing it on television makes it easier? What? Did you honestly believe I wouldn't find out? What else are you guys hiding from me? Don't tell me there is nothing, because I'm not sure I can believe that anymore!" she shouted.

"Have you seen your chart yet?"

"No. Apparently that's being kept from me as well,"

She walked over to the foot of Abby's gurney and picked it up then gestured toward a chair by the bed, "Mind if I sit?"

"Its fine,"

Kerry pulled the chair a bit closer and sat with the chart in her lap, "First five forms are from when you were in the ER, are you sure you want to see this?" Abby nodded.

Kerry put on her reading glasses and glanced over the first page, "Initial temperature was 90 degrees, at least a liter and a half of blood loss in the field. Multiple stab wounds to the chest, abdomen, and back, evidence of physical and sexual assault. Thorocotomy in the ER, four units of whole blood, two of packed cells, two of heated saline, active rewarming. You crashed once, and received both epi and atropine, followed by lidocaine to stabilize your blood pressure," she stopped for a moment and looked up at Abby to see her response, if the information was actually sinking in. Abby nodded again, thankful someone was finally talking about it with her.

"A CT would have been preferable, but since no one was sure you would make it upstairs to the OR, it was postponed," Kerry wasn't sure if she should have revealed that detail, but figured if she was going to be blunt about it, she might as well do it right, "In the OR, you crashed another two times, required six units of whole blood, three of packed cells, and one more of saline. Some of the damage to your heart was repaired in the ER, his primary concern was stopping the bleeding. In the process, he had to remove your **_left _**kidney. Much to Dubenko's surprise, you survived the operation and the twenty four hours after it. Much to everyone else's surprise, and later dismay, you were comatose for about a month. Dr. Stenton was caught poisoning you. You woke up over the course of a week. Initially, there was some concern over neurological damage, but that turned out to be alright. Tests showed that function in your remaining kidney had been destroyed by what Stenton administered, but toxicology has been unable to identify the substance."

"I..but..I.." she couldn't form the words, didn't know how to react. The truth had come out.. At least she hoped so.

"It's a lot to process. I think it's probably why they weren't telling you."

"He was poisoning me up here?" she had originally thought that he had only poisoned her once, the night of the attack.

"He was treating you."

That suddenly made Abby feel sick to her stomach, that he had actually been involved in her care. She truly thought she was about to be sick. Fucking bastard!

"He's been remanded without bail, awaiting trial."

"Who caught him doing it?" she suppressed the feeling that she was soon going to be sick. Tried to ignore it.

Instantly, Kerry felt an impulse to lie, or attempt to sidestep the issue, but knew that given the circumstances any deception would only serve as ammunition against... everyone really, "I did."

"What..how I mean, did you stop him, or was it after.."

"I was in the room, had drifted off, he um... he tripped over a wire on his way out, set off the heart monitor."

"But he didn't do it.. Right? I mean you woke up before," she didn't know why it even mattered, just wanted to know.

"No, I'm sorry."

She nodded and then the feeling that had been with her since Kerry began explaining, suddenly came back full force. "I'm going to be sick," she said quickly. Kerry scanned the room for the nearest emesis basin and quickly gave it to Abby. Abby fulfilled her promise, how she had anything to vomit was beyond her "Thanks," she said once she was sure she was done.

"Feeling okay? Do you want some compazine maybe?" Kerry asked after mentally running through everything Abby was on, checking for possible contraindications.

"I'm fine," she whispered, but knew Kerry would see straight through that. She tried to get back comfortable into the bed, but it seemed that no matter which position she could get into, it was more uncomfortable then the last.

"Okay," not actually okay, but there was no point in saying otherwise, "do you want me to leave?"

"It doesn't matter, I'm going to try and sleep," she didn't want to be alone, but would never ever admit it.

"That's probably a good idea. You need to get some rest."

"It seems like that's all I do," she sighed as she closed her eyes, finally finding a comfortable position.

"You're recovering from major surgery and serious injuries, fatigue is pretty normal."

"I swear I sleep a good eighteen hours out of the day,"

"Like I said, it's pretty normal, and if the morphine wasn't making you drowsy, we'd be worried."

"Its good stuff,"

"So I've heard," she seemed to recall David Morganstern saying almost the same thing several years earlier.

"Valium would be nice to," she said, her eyes still closed. Unintentially she had set off major warning bells to Kerry.

From her mouth came the words, "We'll see, it's likely they'll want to switch you something a bit weaker soon," while in her mind, Kerry was chanting a string of profanities like a mantra. With Abby's history, wanting valium was not a good sign. She didn't receive a response, and looked down to find out that Abby had fallen back to sleep. Kerry returned to the hall to find Susan still waiting.

"How did it go?" she asked, obviously she had been crying.

Kerry shrugged, "It could've gone worse I suppose."

"She didn't kick you out, you did better then I did,"

"Does she have a sponsor that you know of?"

"That doesn't sound to promising, She does, I just don't know her name,"

"And without asking Abby, there's really no way to find out," Kerry thought aloud.

"I'm worried that you are asking about her sponsor, Kerry, what did she say?"

"She likes the morphine and thinks some valium might be nice."

"Wonderful," Susan replied sarcastically, "this is just going wonderful," she paused ," did she say why she's pissed at me?"

"It didn't come up."

"I'm guessing it probably wouldn't be the best of ideas to go back in there then?"

"She's asleep at the moment."

Susan nodded again, not sure what to say now, Abby was obviously mad at something, but what?


	11. Kidney Failure

"And everyone remember," Morris droned on, "if these charts are not done correctly, you answer to me, and I am NOT easy going about paperwork."

"Oh yeah right," Ray whispered to Neela, who scoffed.

"I heard that!" the chief resident turned beet red, humiliated that he was being ignored. He seemed the only one completely unaffected by Abby's absence.

"He's such a prick," Sam said, not caring if Morris heard her or not.

"Yeah well, he'll be out after his year," Haleh said, sounding more confident than she felt over the issue. Why couldn't Pratt have gotten it? At least he was medically competent. Without Abby to keep Archie in line, he was a nightmare, intern or no, she was good.

"Hopefully, we need a decent doctor in here,"

"Or back down here," Ray added, knowing they would know whom he was referring to.

"She'll be back. She's awake, off the vent. She'll be back," Sam said, hopefully. Few of them had been in the ER before Abby materialized, and those that had were just as attached to her, she was a part of the place.

Pratt ignored the comment, especially after seeing Abby earlier that day, he was not so hopeful at the moment. "Lockhart, will pull through," he said, trying to sound convincing.

"Hey, they let you up to visit her, right?"

"Yeah, um" shit. "yeah they did."

"Well? How was she doing?"

Pratt shook his head and stuck his hands into the pockets of his lab coat, "not good,"

"How bad...?"

"She…" was he supposed to do this, was he even allowed? "She saw Stenton on TV, I think it triggered her memory of the attack, she went into some sort of trance, the psychologist couldn't pull her out of it,"

"Damn, did they have to sedate her?"

"No, she finally came out of it, but ordered us out of the room, screamed at us rather,"

"Would she let anyone talk to her at least?"

"I think Kerry braved it, I'm not sure how it went, I had to come back. Look, just, if you decide to go and see her, go easy on her, she doesn't mean half the things she says," he said, trying to defend Abby's behavior.

"She's that bad?"

"Yeah, I think she is," it was no longer the physical aspect of it they were worried about, Abby would survive, now they had to worry about her mental health.

"Whoa... That's... Whoa..." the young nurse wasn't quite in shock, but wasn't far from it. Abby had her moments, but in the end, she was one of the most grounded people she knew

Pratt nodded sadly, not as confident as he had been hours before in a full recovery for Abby. "Just.. if you want to visit her.. don't press the subject,"

"Okay. Thanks, I guess."

Pratt shook his head. "Abby knows what happened that night, but has yet to speak to anyone about it. She's frustrated, can't move right now, and is in organ failure." he paused again. "Its not the Abby we all remember,"

"Wait, which organs?"

"Kidney," had they not known? He knew Kerry and Susan had been keeping Abby's visitors to a minimum, but how could they not know?

"Wait, one's failing and the other's not?"

Pratt looked at them stunned, "you're kidding me right? Nobody knows what's going on with her?" his day had gone from bad to worse.

"No one's been telling us much. We found out when she woke up, and when she came off the vent. That's it."

"Fuck," Pratt said, not only did he have to tell them about what had just happened to Abby, but what had been happening.

"What?"

"I..just I cant believe this. She has no kidney function in her remaining kidney, one was removed during the first surgery," he stopped there, figuring they might know the rest, considering Abby's story was all over the news, the poisoning etc.

"Holy shit. That sure as hell wasn't in the tribune."

"Yeah, well apparently it was on CNN,"

"We shouldn't be finding out how our friend is doing from newspapers and the television, Pratt. Do we have to beat it out of you?"

"Go see her for yourself then, go see how well your friend is doing!" and with that he stormed off, but not without first slamming down the chart he had been holding, down onto the counter.

"Everyone stay where you are," Morris demanded instantly, "Unless you're getting back to work."

Nobody moved, what the hell had happened upstairs? They all had thought Abby was recovering. All eyes went to Morris.

"Didn't you hear me? Yulah, Andale, move it or lose it, get your asses back to work."

"Fuck you Morris," Sam hissed at him, he couldn't do a damn thing to her, and then she followed Pratt. The ER, was thankfully nearly empty, had it been busy, she would have stayed with her patients. She found him outside, in the courtyard, right where Abby had been found weeks earlier.

"Isn't it a bit morbid, standing here like this?"

"Yeah, well," the whole situation was morbid,

"And a bit freezing?"

"Twenty degrees warmer then when we found Abby, I think I can survive considering I'm fully clothed and am in the sun,"

"And it's snowing and you're not wearing a jacket."

He turned to look at her, "neither are you,"

"Which is why I want you to go back inside. So I can go back inside and not freeze."

"Go ahead. I just need to be out here for a while,"

"I'm not leaving you out here."

"Why Sam? In case someone decides to come and attack me? Rape me, stab me and then leave me to die in the snow?" he replied sarcastically.

"Because someone's got to watch your back."

"Like we watched Abby's?"

"Come on Pratt, there was no way anyone could have known."

"We all knew something was up, we just chose to ignore it,"

"We... I don't know what we did do, or what we didn't, but what happened is what happened, and we can't change it."

"Have you seen her lately Sam?"

"No."

He nodded, and looked back towards the courtyard, "then come to preach to me after you have," and then with one last look of the snow, he turned and headed back to the ER.

She almost shouted at him. Instead, she wasn't sure why, but Sam found herself making a snowball, and throwing it at the back of his head.

"What the hell?" he said and pat the back of his head, not having expected that.

"Don't' tell me what the fuck to do Pratt."

"She's gone Sam! What the hell do you expect me to do, want me to act like everything is perfect. Sure, she maybe consciences, but that's about it!":

"You don't know that."

"And you haven't seen her, because I guarantee you Sam, she's nothing like we could have expected,"

"So we're even."

He nodded again, "I'm going to go and see how she's doing,"

"Can I come with you?"

"As long as you don't get your feelings hurt to easily," he warned

"I don't."

"Fine," he spoke as they walked back into the warmth of the ER, and headed upstairs. They made their way down the hall and around the corner, where they discovered, Susan, Kerry and another doctor speaking quietly outside of Abby's room.

"Dr. Lewis, Dr. Weaver, any change?"

"She's asleep," Susan said bluntly. But Pratt could tell that she was seriously worried.

"What's wrong now?"

"We don't know if there is anything wrong, that's what we're trying to figure out,"

"Why do you think there is something wrong?"

"She's stopped talking to us, refuses to acknowledge anyone's presence,"

"All of you?"

"She talked to Kerry for a while, went to sleep, woke up and now refuses to communicate," Susan glanced back in to the room, Abby was sleeping again. "We're trying to figure out how to approach this,"

"Send someone in?"

"you mean a psychiatrist?" Susan crossed her arms across her chest.

"No. One of you."

"We've tried Pratt, she refuses to even make eye contact with any of us,"

"So try again," Sam piped up.

"Sam.." Susan shook her head.

"What? I'm just a nurse so I should keep my mouth shut?"

"No, you know I don't think that."

"Why not at least try?"

"We have, we will, but its not just talking anymore, we need a set plan of what to do,"

"Maybe the set plan is where you're fucking up?"

"Excuse me?" Susan said, slightly offended. "What do you suggest then?"

"Like I said, just go in and talk. Don't make it about anything. Blabber endlessly about your day if it comes to that. Maybe she just needs a touch of normal."

After a moment of silence, everyone pondering Sam's idea, Pratt spoke up. "Who is going to be the first victim?"

"Well Sam, since it's your idea," Susan said, seeing it as a small form of vengeance.

"No way. Dr. Weaver managed to get her to communicate last time, why not again?" Sam didn't want to be the paschal lamb

"And she failed," Susan didn't mean to sound discouraging, but after one stern look fro Sam, Susan turned to Kerry, "Would you mind trying again?"

"Might as well give it a shot."

Susan nodded a silent thank you, not ready just yet to give up on her best friend.

Kerry entered Abby's room, "Hello."

Abby didn't even so much as glance up, just kept looking at the window. She had kept this charade up for a while now, it was getting easier and easier just to block everyone out.

"Snowing again, traffic should be... interesting." She got nothing, nothing to prove to her that Abby was actually listening. "Sam came up to visit if you want to see her." The snow was coming down heavier and heavier, letting Abby's mind drift away, simply by watching the large flakes fall from the sky. "But if you don't plan on conversing, she should probably just go back down to the ER." 'well, finally, someone is getting it' Abby thought to herself. She couldn't deal with herself anymore, much less anyone else.

But for some reason, she felt that she HAD to talk to Kerry, she didn't have to be civil by any means, but at the same time couldn't just ignore her. "please, just leave, there is no point in wasting your time,"

"I'm not sure this constitutes a waste of time."

"Well then your sadly mistaken,"

"How so?"

After a moment of silence, Abby came to the conclusion that she really didn't have an answer to Kerry's question, "it doesn't matter,"

"What doesn't? That you think I'm wasting my time or that I disagree on that point?"

"What don't you get? I don't want anyone to help me, I don't need you or anyone else at this fucking hospital,"

"I never said you needed anyone."

"I can take care of myself, I want to go home, I want to be by myself for more then a few minutes without any interruptions from anyone!"

"Taking care of yourself involves getting up and around."

"I'll figure out something," Kerry could see it in her face, Abby was determined to leave. "I know what to do, I can take of myself," she reiterated.

"Can you get out of bed yet?"

"I want to leave," she said though her teeth.

"I realize that, but can you get out of bed on your own?"

"Will you please bring me the papers,"

"Will you please consider answering the question?"

"No, I won't" she shook her head. "I'm signing out of here,"

"Alright, I'll get you the papers, even call a cab for you, but you'll need to get yourself to it."

"Fine," she grumbled and reached down and began unhooking all the machines.

"You might want to turn the twelve lead off before you actually take the leads off, spare the code team a bit of sprinting."

Abby nodded and did what Kerry said, before going back to work on the multiple IV's, her hands shaking as she tried to undo the first one.

"Do you need help with that?"

"NO! Dam it, I can do it,"

"You do that, I'll go get the paperwork," Kerry turned to leave the room, wondering what the hell she was doing, but fairly confident that Abby wouldn't actually make it out of the hospital.

"Kerry," Susan pounced as soon as she came out of the room, Sam right behind her.

"Yes?"

"Don't make me play these games, did she say anything?"

"She wants to leave the hospital and go home."

"That's nothing new Kerry, she has wanted that since she woke up,"

"She needs to sign a waver, a patient leaving AMA involves paperwork."

"WAIT! Your actually going along with this?"

"She has to be able to get herself out the door. I don't think she can, and I think not being able to might make her get the point."

"This is Abby we are talking about, correct? You tell she cant do something, she goes and not only does it, but exceeds at it! She'll find a way Kerry!"

"I didn't tell her she couldn't. I told her that I'd get the paperwork, call a cab, even help her unhook the IV's if she needed me to."

"And what happens Kerry, when she makes it out?" Susan had no doubt in her mind, that somehow Abby would find a way.

"She can barely sit up, much less stand. She can't walk, can't get herself around. No amount of will power will change that right now."

Susan shook her head, "I don't believe this, we're setting her up for failure,"

"If you've got a better idea, the time was five minutes ago before I went in there, of course, if there's anything to gain by voicing it now, be my guest."

"A psyche hold!"

"Right now, there's no way you'd get it. She hasn't verbalized or enacted any sort of threat."

"And leaving in her condition isn't self destruction, self harm?"

"You think she can get herself out the door on her own two feet?"

"I don't know what she's capable of right now Kerry, that's what scaring me,"

"We can continue this conversation later. I need to get her the papers."

"Kerry!" Susan shouted down the hall, but she was ignored as Kerry went to get the papers.

Once she'd found the necessary forms, a clip board, and a pen, Kerry returned. Abby was still fighting with the IV, and apparently, still losing.

"You're sure you don't want a hand with that? It's never easy to get your own out. I think they may have actually designed them that way."

"I can get it, its just taking a while,"

"I have the papers, do you want me to call a cab for you?"

"Yes,"

"When should I tell them to arrive? Twenty minutes sound about right?"

"The sooner the better," finally, she got the first IV out, two more to go. Kerry went to the phone on the far wall, alas, cell phones weren't allowed in the ICU, and called to arrange for the cab.

"Thanks," Abby spoke once Kerry had hung up the phone.

"You're welcome."

The second IV was out, had come out much easier then the last., but the third one would be impossible to do on her own. "Can you..?"

"Okay," Kerry crossed back to Abby's side of the room and carefully removed the last IV. As she did, Abby was still thinking about it, she still didn't have a plan to get out of here.

"Did the nurse bring you a set of scrubs?"

"Yes," she nodded to the end of the bed where a pair of green scrubs was folded.

"I'll go so you can change, once you're done with that, we need to go over the paperwork. Standard wavers, you could probably recite them from memory, but it's policy."

"Okay," she nodded Kerry returned to the hallway, more than half expecting a thorough tongue lashing from Susan. But to her surprise, Susan was sitting down on the floor, her back to the wall, she didn't look up as she spoke to Kerry.

"She's on dialysis Kerry, she has an appointment this afternoon, this can not happen," Susan said through her tears.

"Susan, if she is physically able to leave, then she will, and trying for a psych hold we know we wouldn't get will only delay the inevitable."

"You don't get it Kerry, she'll go home and pretend she's fine, she wont take care of herself," she paused. "We'll lose her,"

"I think she's more likely to admit defeat if she doesn't feel like she has something to prove, or think that everyone's going to tell her that they told her so."

"That's the problem, she wont give up, she doesn't know when to stop,"

"Most people don't. They learn."

"Its not going to go well either way, if she fails its only going to make things ten times worse then they already are,"

"I don't see you trying anything."

"She wont let me in the room,"

"I don't think she'll toss you out if you go in."

"Your right, she'll refuse to even acknowledge my existence,"

"Maybe you're premature in that assessment. She needs to know you're her advocate, not her enemy."

"How can I advocate what she wants, when I know and so does about every other doctor in this hospital, that it wont go well,"

"That's for you to figure out."

"Kerry, please, talk her out of this," the tears came back again. "she wont listen to me right now,"

"She won't listen to anyone she thinks is against her."

"Which is everyone except you at the moment,"

"Would you rather I fight her?"

"I'd rather she'd stay here,"

"You tell her that, then."

Abby had somehow managed to change into the pair of scrubs, and had for the first time had seen the damage done to her body, bastard. The simple task had worn her out, but she wouldn't let them know that, she would never leave the hospital if she fell asleep. The scrubs felt wonderful, much better then the damn hospital gown, slowly she made her way back over to her bed, the five steps were exhausting. But she had done it!

Kerry stood outside the closed door and knocked.

"Come in,"

Kerry opened the door and entered, "Cab should be here by now."

"Alright, where do I sign,"

"Dotted line, just like anything else. First page states that you are voluntarily refusing treatment, second one states that you won't sue the hospital or staff should any harm befall you from leaving in your current condition."

"I know," she didn't hesitate as she signed her name.

"Working in a hospital as long as you have, I'd be worried if you didn't."

"Okay," she nodded, the cab was waiting, now all she had to do was simply walk out, simple right?

"Good luck."

"Thanks Kerry," she smiled and slowly stood up, her knees wobbly at first, she could do it, all she had to do was get to that cab.

"You're welcome," Another nod and she made her way to the door, the longest walk of her life, she knew Kerry would probably be following her, at least until she got to the cab. Kerry stayed a few steps behind, ready to at least try to catch Abby if she fell.

By the time she got to the elevator, she thought for sure she was about to collapse, but once she got inside she would be able to just stand there, rest for a second. Kerry was more than a bit amazed when Abby reached the elevator lobby, and allowed a little more distance while they waited for the lift to reach their floor.

It was when she stepped off the elevator, into the lobby, when she could actually see the cab, that her legs gave way. She caught the guard rail, just in time, maybe nobody had seen?

Of course, Kerry was at her side in an instant, and helped her to sit up against the wall, "You alright?"

"Yes, I'm fine," she said, and tried to stand up, but it was no use, her body was to worn out. "I'm fine," she kept saying, even as the tears came.

"Of course you are," Kerry's voice wasn't mocking or scornful, just present. Abby sat there, trying to gather her strength so she could indeed get out of the hospital, she figured she only had another thirty feet to go, she could do it…well if she didn't collapse from exhaustion on the way there.

"Do you need help getting up?"

"I can manage, I think," Abby mumbled, Kerry nodded, secretly doubting it. Kerry looked behind them, Susan was standing there, and a gurney just behind her, with a few nurses, ready just in case. Kerry watched Abby struggle to get to her feet, fighting the urge to scream at Susan and the entourage and tell them to rush her back to the ICU. And then just like that, she collapsed, passed out, Kerry catching her seconds before her head collided with the hard ground. At which point, she did shout to Susan and the nurses. They were there in a heart beat, as Kerry gently placed her down on the ground.

"Help me get her up onto the gurney," Kerry could keep Abby from falling, and if she were conscious, help her to her feet, but definitely couldn't lift her.

"Abby," Susan spoke as she and the nurses lifted Abby from the ground and gently placed her back on they gurney. "Come on Abby," she said reaching and checking her pulse. It was there, but rapid. Susan's panic was only slightly lessened. "Alright, lets get her back upstairs," Susan said softly.

Within an hour, the lines were back in, leads reattached, Abby was stable and safe in the ICU. Susan and Kerry stood right outside her door, waiting for her to regain consciences, waiting for the battle they were sure they about to fight.


	12. Anger

"Remind me why we let her do that?" in her mind, Susan knew the answer, "because she's Abby and she would have done it anyway," she answered her own question."You planning to go in and talk to her?"

"No, she's going to be pissed as hell when she wakes up, I'm not going to become a patient in this hospital," Susan shook her head, knowing full well what Abby would be like when she regained consciences.

"I doubt she'll be violent, Susan. It might help for her to talk to you."

"She tried something she failed, she's going to be pissed and she's going to try it again."

"Are you certain of that?"

Susan shook her head, "Kerry.. I don't.." she didn't know what to do anymore.

"Don't what? Don't know? No one does."

"Then what the hell are we doing Kerry?"

"Trying."

Susan nodded, took a deep breath and walked into Abby's room, Kerry following. "She's going to kill us when she wakes up,"

"That may be an exaggeration, but she probably won't be thrilled with us."

"Thrilled is not exactly the word I would have chosen," the IV's had been put back, only guaranteeing the mood Abby would be in.

"And what word do you consider appropriate?"

"Down right bitchy sounds about right,"

"There's a difference between bitchy and frustrated."

"I think she's past frustrated Kerry," Susan said defeated.

"Enraged maybe?"

"Just a tad bit,"

"She has the right to be."

"I know, I know she does, she has every right, but where's the point where we start to get worried,"

"I think we passed that point a while ago."

"We have to get someone in here Kerry,"

"Who do you suggest?"

"Do you have the name of a good psychiatrist?" Susan knew Abby would become even more enraged when she would wake up to find that psyche was on her, but at this point in the game, Susan didn't really care.

Suddenly they heard Abby take a deep breath, "don't you dare," she said softly, having just awakened,

"Abby, glad to have you back," Susan fought to stay calm.

"I don't want to talk to them,"

"Talk to who?"

"Psyche, don't you dare bring them down here,"

"But Abby..."

"But what Susan?" she was waiting for Susan to tell her she was crazy.

"with everything that's happened, it might help you Abby."

"I'm fine! I don't need any help!"

"Alright, I was just trying to help."

"AND I DONT NEED IT!" She screamed at them.

"I think you do."

"I DON'T!" She cried that time, her voice cracked.

"What do you need then?"

"To leave, to go home, to get the hell out of here,"

"Well, you just proved that you can't do that."

"fuck you," she hissed at them, tears in her eyes, not caring anymore,

"Don't do this Abby, please," Susan begged.

"do what?"

"Fight us on everything. Give up."

Abby stared at her, "you want me to give up? Fine Susan, I give up," and she turned her back to them, her mind drifting back outside again.

"No...I mean it... It seems like you've given up on everything else."

"And why shouldn't I?"

"Why should you?"

"Cant figure out an answer Susan? Is that what's wrong?" Abby spoke, her voice was ice cold.

"Fine. You want an answer? Because there's a few dozen people out there who apparently care a lot more about you than you care about yourself."

"And I'm done, I don't want this anymore,"

"Why not?"

"Because I don't. get used to it,"

"That's not an answer Abby, and you know it."

"Take a look around you Susan, notice anything different about me, about who I am? I don't want this anymore, that's all there is to it," she wasn't exactly saying the words, but Susan knew exactly what Abby was referring to.

"And just giving up is going to solve anything?"

"I cant do it anymore Susan, I wont,"

"Can't or won't? Which is it?"

"I won't"

"And you won't change your mind? You just want to let him win?"

"Him Susan, have you forgotten his name? Or did you just deem it irreverent to telling me who it was,"

"Fine, Stenton. You're just going to let Dr. Stenton win?"

"He already has,"

"How so?"

"I don't want to talk about this,"

"Well, maybe I do."

"well to damn bad,"

"And that's just life to you, isn't it."

"What business is it of yours Susan? What happened that night doesn't matter anymore!"

"I see, then what does? What's triggering all of this?"

"All of what?" she mocked, desperately trying to convince not only Susan and Kerry that everything was fine, but also herself.

"You know what I mean."

"And I already told you to get out, to leave, not to worry about it, its nobody's business, I don't want to talk about it, I'm fine."

"Fine Abby? You call this fine?"

"Yes, I'm fine, I am," she shook her head, refusing to admit that Susan just might be right.

"You collapsed an hour ago, and you're fine."

Abby glared at her, not knowing how to answer that one, "I want to leave," she whispered.

"We tried that Abby, you tried that."

"I was tired, I'll be fine now,"

"Not likely."

"Watch me!" she dared them.

"If you can't leave on your own, you can't leave AMA."

"And you can't keep me here against my will,"

"Yeah, that's right, you're not on a hold. As soon as you can get yourself out of here, you can get out of here."

"So your not going to help me, is that what your saying? I can get as far as the fucking front door, and you wont help me?" she was furious.

"No, what I'm saying is that it wouldn't be helping you."

"How so? I can take care of myself once I'm home, I know what to do, in case you've forgotten Susan, I am a doctor,"

"There's a difference between knowing and doing, or being able to do."

"And I'm able to,"

"I doubt it."

"You seem to be doing a lot of that lately,"

"What would make me think that you can?"

"Trust me first off!"

"Abby, if you can't walk from here to the south exit, you can't do housework, and I doubt you can change most of your dressings."

"I can at least try, if it comes to it, I'll hire someone,"

"On an intern's salary?"

"What the hell is your problem Susan, why do you have to question everything?"

"I'm just trying to look out for you, okay?" Susan's patience were at their end.

"I don't need anyone looking out for me, I can do it myself! I've always done it myself, I've never fail.." she stopped short, realizing just how wrong that statement was.

"Abby, be reasonable. Please."

She didn't respond for a few minutes, but finally spoke. "I don't know what you want."

"What do you want then? Aside from to go home."

"I don't know," she shook her head,

"So think about it for a while."

"What do you think I've been doing Susan? Just sitting her anxiously awaiting for another doctor or nurse to come in?"

"I don't know. What ever it is, you haven't talked to me about it. Or anyone else for that matter. "

"And I never will,"

"That accomplishes what?"

"Why does it matter? When was the last time I talked to anyone about something? Its my way of dealing, get used to it,"

"Closing everyone off, I mean."

"Because, you don't need to know the details of that night, you don't Kerry doesn't, nobody does,"

"I don't mean the details. I mean you're closing yourself off from the rest of the world."

"So what Susan?"

"So it's counterproductive."

"How do you know I want to be productive Susan? How do you know I haven't already given up? You don't, so quit lecturing me and leave me the hell alone,"

"Fine," with that, she left.

"You can leave to," Abby spat at Kerry, who had been standing in the corner the entire time.

"And I might."

"Good!" she shouted, not realizing how childish she was really acting, but at the same time, not caring anymore.

"But probably not right now."

Abby's head shot up, "what?"

"I'm sorry, didn't I enunciate?"

"I don't want you in here,"

"Someone has to keep an eye on you. I could have Dubenko come in if you'd prefer."

"Excuse me? You think I'm going to hurt myself?" she was shocked Kerry had seen right through her.

"That's a possibility, but so are a half dozen other things."

"Its not a possibility Kerry, you know I wouldn't do that,"

"Do I?"

"You should!" she was trying to stay calm, not knowing if she was more mad, or scared now.

"And why's that?"

"What makes you think I would?"

"Things you've said, and more importantly, the way you've said some of them."

Abby shook her head, "I don't believe this, you think I'm going to kill myself? With what Kerry? Susan said it herself, I can't even get out of this hospital, what the hell can I do?"

"Suicide isn't the only form of self harm, and people have been known to get creative."

"Fine, you think I'm going to hurt myself, go ahead believe it, I don't care,"

"I don't think you will, I think you might, and the apparent apathy isn't helping your case any."

"You can think what you want, like I said, it doesn't matter, I will get out of this hospital, one way or another." she stared Kerry straight in the eyes, knowing exactly who she was going head to head with.

Kerry cocked her head to the side and arched an eyebrow, "One way or another? There are three ways out that I can think of. Should I call for guards on the ward or have you on suicide watch? Because I doubt a conventional return home is likely at the moment."

"Chose what you want, obviously neither you or Susan trust me anymore,"

"It's not that I don't trust you. As far as I've seen, you stay to your word, do what you say you will, that's what's worrying me. If you're verbalizing intent of doing something, why should that be any different?"

"I've never verbalized that I would hurt myself,"

"You said that you planned to get out one way or another"

"I never said that I was going to, or am planning to commit suicide, Dr. Weaver," she mocked.

"What did you mean by it then? Because legally, you're still free to go, so you don't exactly need to plan out some intricate escape."

"I'm not,"

"Clarification now could prevent a psych hold in the future."

"For what? You have no basis to get a one, I've never said anything that could even be considered to put me on a psyche hold!"

"How much are you willing to gamble on that?"

"What do you have Kerry, nothing. You CAN'T get it,"

"I'd really rather not get one, but I could if I had to. Right now, I don't think it's needed."

"Your right, its not!"

"Somehow I don't think our reasoning on the matter is the same."

"Fine, you know what Kerry, do whatever the fuck you feel necessary,"

"Excuse me?"

"I'm sorry, didn't I enunciate?" she mocked remembering Kerry's exact words minutes earlier.

"Actually, I was referring to you rather crass choice of verbiage."

"Welcome to the real world Kerry, this is who I am now, sorry to disappoint,"

"I'm not disappointed, but I don't think people change that fast."

"Seven weeks is a long time,"

"Not when you were unconscious for a month of it, and even then, seven weeks isn't that long."

"Fine, whatever you say Dr. Weaver," Abby spoke sternly, she had lost all respect for anyone and everyone, including herself.

"You know a lot of people are worried about you, right?"

"I'm fine, like I've said, tell them I'm fine,"

"They won't believe it any more than Susan or I do."

"Seems to be a trend amongst the staff, not trusting me"

"It's not a matter of trust."

"Then what is it?"

"Any time anyone on staff here says they're fine, it sets off warning bells."

"Why does it matter anymore Kerry? Why should I even talk to you, or anyone else for that matter, if no one is going to believe me?"

"It's not that we don't believe you, it's just that around here, 'I'm fine' is just about code for 'the sky is falling'."

"Then what do you want me to say Kerry?"

"Something other than that you're fine and you can take care of yourself."

"Alright, how about I'm wonderful, life has never been better, I can't wait to get back to a somewhat normal routine, because I know that's what's going to happen,"

"You'll get a lot farther with a little less sarcasm."

"Right." she nodded her head, pretending that she was actually interested in what Kerry was saying.

"Since it's quite clear you didn't hear a word of what I just said, would you prefer sign language? Or maybe I should try another language? Would you understand that any better?"

"I don't understand? Is that what you are honestly telling me? Because it seems to me that its you that doesn't understand, I'm fine, you don't believe me, how else could I put it for you Kerry?"

"So you're saying that there's absolutely nothing wrong?"

"I'm on dialysis, besides that I'm fine, I can even do that at home,"

"Dialysis at home? And no, you're not fine with that aside. You're practically bedridden."

"I can get a wheelchair," not that she would use it once she was home, but had to say something. "and I can be an outpatient for dialysis,"

"Outpatient dialysis works when you're up to driving yourself around, or taking the L. Hauling yourself around in a wheelchair is more physically demanding than walking Abby, I'm guessing you haven't tried it."

"I can at least try,"

"I'll have someone from PT bring one up for you if you'd like, we can see how that goes."

"Why? What's the point? So you or Susan call follow me out the door?"

"If you can get yourself out the door without incident, you're on your own if that's what you want."

"It is,"

"Do you want to try the wheelchair today or tomorrow."

"Today," like hell she was going to sit in it, but pushing it could defiantly work. They never specified how she had to get out the door, just as long as she did it.

"Okay, I'll have someone bring it up. And you do actually have to use it properly, by the way. It's a wheelchair, not a walker."

Abby looked at her, slightly stunned, how the hell did she know what she was planning? "That wasn't in the paper I signed, it just said that I had to get out of the hospital,"

"It's in the fine print, a sub clause buried somewhere in the beurocratic bullshit."

"your kidding me right?"

"Would you like to reread it? I can bring a magnifying glass if you'd like."

"This is unbelievable," she scoffed and rolled her eyes, no way in hell she would get out of there now.

"I know you find it unpleasant, but as it's a matter of easily provable fact, I suggest that you suspend your disbelief."

"I don't know what you or Susan want from me? I have nothing to give you, there is nothing wrong,"

"I don't know about Susan, but I don't want anything from you."

"Then why are you sitting there trying to convince me that I'm not fine?"

"Because common sense does have to come into play at some point."

"There is nothing to tell about that night, everyone already knows what happened, there is no point in making me relive the details, so I've moved past it."

"I'm not asking you to relive it, but if you're past it, why are you acting like this? No one gets past something of the magnitude of what you went through so quickly."

"Because I want to leave, move on with my life, and apparently that cant happen!"

"Do you want to be transferred to a different hospital? Would you rather be at Mercy, or maybe Mount Sinai?"

"No! I don't want to be in any hospital, I don't want to have to deal with all of this! I don't want to have to stare at the closet where.." she stopped short, realizing what she had just said, shit.

"You are going to have to be in a hospital, and you are going to have to deal with this somehow, but you don't have to be here."

"I don't, I don't," she sounded defeated, Kerry noted, maybe she had finally gotten through? It had taken nearly an hour, but still! "I don't want to deal with this, I can't, I won't," she cried.

"As bad as it is, there aren't any good alternatives."

"You don't know that,"

"Aside from offing yourself, what other options do you see?"

"I already told you I'm not going to try anything,"

"Alright. So what other options do you see?"

"I don't know Kerry, I would probably do better at home!"

"I think it's been established that you're not up to going home just yet."

"I think I am, I'll be fine once I get there," Abby said, refusing to back down.

"How many flights of stairs to your apartment?"

"None, I'm on the first floor,"

"Planning on hiring a maid, a valet, and a home care nurse to help around the house and do errands?"

"I can figure something out Kerry, don't worry about it,"

"Telling people not to worry about you only tends to prompt them to do so more."

"Why is that?"

"Probably some aspect of human nature."

"Kerry, I'm fine, I will be fine, I will be wonderful if I can leave and relax at home, away from here," Abby said as she tried to think of a convincing argument to make Kerry agree to let her go home.

"Maybe a convalescence home?"

"No, my own apartment so that I can be by myself,"

"It's the bit about being by yourself that's so worrying."

"I've been constantly surrounded by people for over a month now, I cant have any time by myself while I'm here,"

"Not when you can't do your own chores or run your own errands yet."

Abby shook her head, "Like I said, I can hire someone, maybe Maggie will come, or Erick,"

"Abby, no one has been able to reach then."

"Figures, I can find someone Kerry,"

"Good luck with that."

"Look, clearly you nor Susan are exactly thrilled with me wanting to leave, but frankly I don't give a damn, so you can help me or not, but I am getting out of here," she threatened.

"What do you need help with?"

"Apparently getting to the cab,"

"Anything else?"

"No,"

"When should I call for? Tomorrow morning?"

"How about now? I want to leave now,"

"How about you rest for a night between attempts at departure?

"Kerry, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!" she shouted, frustrated now, she was losing a battle.

"I know you want to be out of here, but you tried to get out of here what... Two hours ago? And passed out in the process. Fine, if you want to go now, you can, it's quite clear that any appeals to sensibility or rationality would be a waste of air."

Abby just shook her head and glared.

"Fine, I'll call them now, when do you expect to be ready to leave? Half an hour this time maybe? Give yourself an extra ten minutes over last time?"

"I'll do it by myself, I've never needed help before, I don't need it now. I don't need you, I don't need Susan, I don't need the police and I don't need to think or talk about what happened" Kerry was slowing breaking her down, even if Abby didn't realize it, Kerry knew.

"Uhuh. You can't use a cell in here or I'd lend you mine, there's a landline over there though," she gestured toward the phone, "95 for an outside line."

"Thanks," she reached to grab the phone, but realized just how hard it would be, especially with the lines and equipment attached to her. Maybe Kerry was right? She sat there for a while, thinking. "I knew it was coming Kerry, I knew it and didn't do anything to prevent it,"

"Unless you're psychically gifted or omniscent, there's no way you could have known."

"No, I knew," she didn't know that Kerry knew about the letters, "I knew it was coming, this is my fault that it happened. Don't say its not, you do not know the events leading up to it,"

"Did he ever tell you specifically that he was planning to do this to you?"

"I had a fare warning,"

"That doesn't answer the question."

"It was mentioned that something could come up, yes he did,"

"But he didn't go into specifics, and you had no reason to believe he was serious."

"Kerry, you have no idea, what happened these past two months, it wasn't just the attack, I should have listened to him,"

"The letters were pretty vague, and there's no such thing as fair warning for what he did."

"He should have just finished it Kerry!"

"I'd beg to differ, but your mind is impossible to change."

"Please. Just let me leave," she cried, actually crying, tears running down her cheeks, finally giving in.

"Fine."

"Thank you," she sniffed.

"Tell the cabby to give you half an hour?"

"Please," she nodded and started on the IV.

"Have you got the IV's under control?"

"How many are there?"

"Still three."

"Okay," she nodded, the reality of the situation beginning to dawn on her. No way in hell she could be okay at home, but she had fought so hard for this.

"Which one, or all of them?"

"Um, I think I can get them all, maybe.." no longer was it, 'I can' but maybe. Kerry just nodded and went to the phone to arrange, again, for a cab. After a few minutes of trying Abby realized that she could not even get the second IV out, this was bad, very bad. Frustrated, she threw herself back in the pillows.

"Stuck?"

"Yes," she was actually admitting defeat. Kerry didn't reply, but deftly removed the two remaining IVs. It was always a pain to get out one's own, but anyone else's was a breeze. "I'm sorry Kerry," Abby spoke after a while "its just that.."

"You have nothing to apologize for, Abby."

"Yes I do," she sighed, apologizing was never easy, admitting she was wrong, was even harder. "I hate being like this, acting like this to you, to Susan, I just cant help it,"

"It's fine, Abby. Don't worry about that."

"But I do, I should,"

"You should be worrying about yourself right now."

"Why? There's no point Kerry," she refused to mention aspects of the attack, ones that would clue her coworkers in as to what exactly was causing her behavior.

"Believe what you want then. Cab's on the way. You should probably start heading downstairs."

Abby nodded, "okay," even though she was now uncertain if this is what she really wanted.

"Good luck."

"I um," she didn't know how to start, "is it alright if I just sleep for a little bit before I go?" she asked fidgeting with the blankets.

"Of course. How long do you think you'll want to rest? Should probably inform the cab if it'll be a while."

"Oh I don't know," truth be told, she honestly felt if she fell asleep right then, she could probably sleep right through the night as well.

"Tell them to hold off for now, or let another driver get stiffed the price of gas to get here?"

"No, no, they can hold off,"

"Want anything, or just some peace and quiet?" Kerry asked as she went back to the phone.

"I just want to sleep,"

"In that case, bonsoir," she said after quickly canceling the cab.

Abby didn't reply just settled down in the sheets, debating what to do next, how to play out whatever her next move would be.

"Light on or off?" Kerry asked as she was about to leave the room

"Um, on please, just leave it on,"

"Of course, I'll let you rest now," she said and left.

"Dr. Weaver?" Abby's nurse spoke as he saw Kerry leave the room. "Is she staying or what?"

"You'll have to check with her, but you'd probably better wait a while, she seemed to want to get some

sleep."

"Should I cancel the dialysis appointment then? She's scheduled in an hour."

"As I said, ask her."

"And you also just told me to wait,"

"Wait until she's awake, then ask her," Kerry said, her tone slightly irritated. Did she have to spell it out for the woman? Or maybe a series of diagrams would work. An instructional video?

"Fine." she turned and walked away, somewhat pissed at both Kerry and Abby.


	13. Self Harm

After debating whether or not to leave Abby alone, Kerry finally decided it was safe, and that for the time being Abby was asleep and not in danger of leaving. She checked her watch, just past four, might as well go check up on Susan and the rest of the ER staff. Much to her surprise, nothing had exploded down in the ER, no new disasters.

Susan and Luka were at the desk, talking, well Luka was talking, Susan appeared to be crying. She edged a bit closer, trying to decide if it would be wise to enter the fray.

"Hi Kerry," Susan said, as she wiped the tears off of her cheek.

"Susan, hi."

"Did she leave?" Susan asked, as a familiar doctor walked over to the crowd.

"No. She's resting."

Susan nodded and then turned to the other doctor, "thank you for coming down," Susan told her.

"Everything under control down here or could you use an extra set of hands?"

"I um I actually need your opinion on a patient," Luka shook his head, not knowing if what Susan was doing was the right course of action.

"Do you have the chart?"

"Yes," she turned around and handed over Abby's chart, not making eye contact with either Luka or Kerry.

After a quick look at the now very familiar document, Kerry spoke, "This is supposed to be upstairs."

"Kerry," Susan knew what was about to happen. "I had to," she said referring to the doctor.

"What if something were to happen and they needed her chart for reference but it was down here? What if they were to give her a drug that was contraindicated and it were to cause a reaction because they couldn't check over this?"

"I'm sorry, but I couldn't risk Abby seeing Dr. Milo," Susan explained her actions as the doctor continued reading over the chart.

"Her not seeing a particular physician is worth further endangering her wellbeing?"

"She's already so angry at us Kerry, the last thing she needs to know is that we have called for a psyche consult," she spoke trying to justify her actions.

"She at least deserves your honesty. Jeopardizing a patient's safety because you're worried about how they perceive you?"

"She trusts nobody right now, I have to work on getting that back," she turned away from Kerry and towards Milo "what do you think?"

"I think there's a good chance she'll see the chart sooner or later."

"I'm talking about you, can you talk to her?"

"Not without her knowing who I am."

"Then what the hell do we do? Kerry, we cant just leave her like this?"

"You can be there, be her friend, or her doctor, but not both. Pick one and work within those parameters."

"So you don't agree that she needs to speak with a psychiatrist?"\\

"I'm not certain. I think she could benefit from it if she wanted to, but won't benefit from anything that's forced on her."

"We would send in a consult for any victim of what she went through Kerry! We could use that,"

"If a consult had been sent immediately, that would make perfect sense."

"She has yet to even tell anything about that night! She hardly asks questions, she's pushing it away, not dealing with it! And she needs to"

"I wish I could agree with you and see it that simply."

"Oh come on Kerry! She all but said she's suicidal, that alone.." Susan was fuming, frustrated, worried sick about her best friend.

"That alone should have us trying for a psych hold, I know. But I think she's improving."

"Yeah? How?" Susan replied, as Milo began listening intently.

"Go talk to her without screaming at her about how she should be feeling and what she should be doing. See what happens."

"She refuses to speak with me, wont even look at me,"

"So talk to her."

"I cant, I don't know what to say anymore."

"Excuse me," Milo began. "It seems as if the ER staff needs more of a consult then Dr. Lockhart right now,"

"Please refrain from comments not directed at the subject at hand," Susan growled.

"The subject being Dr. Lockhart, who, as far as I can tell, seems to be the subject of conversation in the entire hospital, especially the ER. So if you'd like my assistance directly with her or not, by all means let me know."

"Watch your tone with me, I'm ER chief, you're a resident, got that?"

"Just trying to help," she replied not threatened at all by Susan. "And if I heard right, you believe Dr. Lockhart has expressed suicidal thoughts,"

"All but said it."

"So a psychiatrist's intervention just might be a good idea, wouldn't you agree?"

"Might."

"Well, here I am!" she said putting her hands in the air.

"Don't be too eager."

"Do you want my help or not? Clearly she needs it, but then just by hearing from you two, I think the bigger question is, do you want her to have the help?"

"You know what, you're a resident, and you're out of line."

"Okay," she smirked at them and leaned against the counter, awaiting further instructions, she picked up Abby's chart and began flipping through it again.

"And while you're at it, see to it that the chart gets back where it belongs."

"Do you want me to speak with Dr. Lockhart or not?" Luka watched the psychiatrist and laughed to himself, she reminded him so much of Abby. Fighting on every issue, sarcastic, yet determined.

"We'll let you know when we're sure."

She nodded and as she walked away mumbled "waste of time" under her breath.

"We have ears, you know."

"Yeah.." she trailed off, obviously having no respect for anyone in the ER department. They ignored her as she sulked off to God alone knows where

"She remind anyone else of someone?" Pratt appeared out of nowhere, obviously thinking the same thing as Luka.

"That's beside the point, Pratt."

"How's she doing?" he turned to Kerry.

"I don't know for certain. She's staying a bit longer voluntarily. I think it could be progress."

"Could be, or she could be planning something," Susan said, knowing her best friend all to well.

"We can prepare against that eventuality more easily if she's here."

"We have to be a step ahead of her," Luka chimed in.

"That's a given, Luka," Susan said flatly.

"But the problem is how far ahead of us is she already?"

"Probably a few miles."

"She's up to something Kerry, Abby does not just suddenly give in and agree,"

"I think I'm aware of that, thank you Susan."

Susan nodded, "okay then," she was more then tired, she was past exhausted, "what exactly do you think she is up to?"

"Therein lies the dilemma. I'm not sure."

"Any ideas then? So we can try and at least keep up with her,"

"Do you have any? Because that would be a really refreshing change."

"I did! That's exactly why I called for a psyche consult!"

"Fine. You're in charge of her care."

"Kerry, please don't do this. I'm just trying to help her,"

"Everyone is, but no one's doing much good."

"Then what do we do now, where do we go from here?"

"Where do you think?

"I honestly don't know anymore, this is not quite what I expected. I knew she would be angry, depressed, but not this,"

"You think anyone expected this?"

"No, I know what we had hoped for,"

"And what we were hoping for was more than a little unrealistic."

"But what we got was a nightmare,"

"What we got was a dose of reality."

"Lucky us."

"We're not the ones we need to worry about."

"Yeah well, we're past worried, we cant wait much longer to do something Kerry!"

"I know."

There was a pause, everyone thinking the same thing, but nobody wanting to say it. "She's going to hurt herself," Susan finally spoke up.

"That's not the question. It's more a matter of how that we need to figure out."

"Intentionally or unintentionally?"

"Maybe a bit of both."

"And she's alone right now?"

"She's in a ward, nurses are checking on her regularly. I doubt she can do much now."

"We are talking about Abby right? The person we didn't think could out of bed, but almost made it out of the hospital?"

"You want her on twenty four hour surveillance?"

"You've spoken to her more then I have,"

"That's not an answer to anything."

"I don't know Kerry! I haven't been able to exam her, much less talk to her!"

"So try to talk with her."

"We've already tried that, she refuses, I tried for two hours the other day, nothing. You're the only one she speaks to,"

"Try again with a different approach."

"I don't even know what to say now, I've tried everything." she turned to Luka "have you tried anything?"

"She tenses the minute a man enters the room."

Susan shook her head, "Kerry, I'm completely useless here, I cant treat her"

"Then what do you plan to do?"

"I don't know. She's going to have to be looked at soon, she hasn't let anyone exam her in two days now,"

"Someone will look her over soon."

"That's the point Kerry! She wont let anyone near her!"

"Sooner or later, she won't have a choice."

"And how do you go about making someone being examined against her will? Especially after what she went though?"

"You know, I'm not in favor of it, but Abby underwent a serious procedure, and if an infection were to develop, the complications could be catastrophic."

"I know that, but it still doesn't answer my question, how the hell do we force an exam on her, when she refuses it?"

"I don't know. Why not let someone else figure something out once in a while?"

"I tried that, I tried to get a psychiatrist up there, and it back fired,"

"You tried, and then you basically sabotaged it. Make up your mind on what the hell you plan to do."

"I want her seen by a psychiatrist, I want her to be examined and neither one seems to be working right now!"

"You say you want her to get help, then you hijack her chart so she can't, make up your mind, damn it."

"Fine Kerry! How about you being the treating physician then?"

"I don't seem to be trained in a specialty of use. She doesn't need emergentology. She needs psychology, maybe neurology, nephrology, an internist..."

"And we go full circle again, its not a matter of getting the docs in there, but Abby letting them touch her,"

"You're her friend, why don't you try?"

"We've already been through this Kerry! She won't! Apparently I've done something that really ticked her off, and she has yet to forgive me for it,"

"So try to figure out what it was and apologize."

"In order to do that, she would have to talk to me!" Susan said frustrated and slammed the chart she was holding down onto the counter top.

"Did it ever cross your mind that maybe there's something you can do that will get her to?"

"Yes it has! But whatever that is, I have yet to figure it out, so by all means.."

"If I knew what specifically that you did, or what you needed to do, do you really think I wouldn't have told you by now?"

"Fine. I'll go up there," she answered less then enthusiastic

"Good."

"But when this all goes back to hell, you can deal with her from now on,"

"We'll see."

"No," Susan shook her head, "I need to know,"

"I'll do what I can. That's the most I can promise."

"Yeah." and then she turned and walked away, heading towards the elevators.


	14. On the Roof

It only took her five minutes to reach Abby's room, to fast, she had yet to think of anything to say to her best friend. 'Well, here goes nothing.' She pushed the door open, and stepped in. And found one conspicuous absence. Immediately her heart sped up, but if something had happened, wouldn't they have been paged?

"Hey!" Susan stepped outside and saw one of Abby's nurses. "Where is Dr. Lockhart?"

The look on the nurses face was not exactly comforting to Susan, "She's not in there?" Susan shook her head. "I haven't seen her,"

"What? This is an ICU, how the hell can you just misplace a patient?"

"I didn't misplace Dr. Lockhart," the nurse began defensively, "I'm sorry, I do not know where she is,"

"Okay, so you lost her. Isn't it your job not to forget where the hell a patient is? Did she get moved and someone forgot to write it down?"

"I don't know! Call security if you want, I have no idea what has happened."

"Well, shouldn't you be trying to figure that out?"

"She wasn't scheduled for anything today, so unless you have written any new orders…"

"NO, I haven't. Go find her before something happens," a million worst case scenarios were running through Susan's mind.

"Are you going to join in on this little search party, because honestly I do have other patients on this floor, who need my assistance just as much as Abby does,"

"Are any of them AWOL?"

"Then my suggestion would be to call security, they can cover a lot more ground faster then I could. Maybe Dr. Weaver knows something,"

"Maybe you could start doing your job and hold the suggestions for someone who wants to hear them."

"Fine," she turned on her heal and walked away, clearly not as concerned about Abby as Susan was. Susan cursed under her breath and hightailed it to the nurse's station, just in case one of them had a clue.

"Anyone seen Dr. Lockhart, oh I don't know in the last two hours?" she asked. Three nurses shook their heads, nobody had seen her.

"Anyone help her get out of here?"

"I didn't," one of them spoke up, then the other two.

"Then how the hell isn't she in her room?"

"We..I don't know," the nurse stood up and grabbed her jacket, ready to start searching the halls.

"Any theories, any hypothesis even?"

"I seriously doubt she could have gotten out there herself, the last time I saw her she had just fallen asleep," they were back at Abby's room.

"Which answers absolutely no questions whatsoever thank you very much."

"Well Dr. Lewis, what would you like me to do?"

"Finding her would be pretty good."

"I don't even know where to start looking! Where would she go? Where could she go?"

"I don't know. Try security tapes."

"I'll inform security then," she said and walked over to the phone in Abby's room.

"I don't want you to inform them, I want you to alert them to a code elope, and then go down and look over the tapes yourself."

"Okay, okay," she said softly picking up the phone. Susan suppressed the urge to rip someone's head off. How the hell had they managed to loose track of Abby... "They know, they're looking," the nurse said as the announcement came over the PA system, wonderful. Now the ER would also know that Abby was M.I.A. Sure, they hadn't actually given the patient's name. Just a discreet 'Code Elope, Cook County General hospital, ICU' but everyone downstairs would put one and one together.

"They'll find her Dr. Lewis, she'll be fine," the nurse tried to reassure, as Susan's pager went off.

"Shit," she looked down.

"Find her already?" the nurse asked seeing Susan glance at her pager, she was just trying to be optimistic. She knew Abby's story and now that she was missing..

"Not likely. You done with the phone?"

"Yeah," she stepped away, giving Susan access to the phone.

She dialed down to the ER front desk. "Frank. Put someone on who knows what's going on."

"Like there someone who doesn't," he replied and then called Luka over. "Oh by the way, Weaver's on her way up,"

"What? Why?"

"Oh I don't know, possibly because Lockhart is the subject of a security search right now,"

"Who found... Where? What?" the nurse looked over, hearing the conversation, had they found the missing doctor already? If they had, she was defiantly impressed with security. "Answers are nice, Frank. Give them."

"All I know is that Weaver's pissed, she got a phone call, and made a bee line upstairs,"

"Where's Luka? Who called her? Security?"

"That and she heard it over the PA"

"But they didn't say who... Oh, who the hell am I kidding, she knew. Damn it, so she's been found though? Abby I mean..."

"Yeah, she's fine, wait. Maybe that's where Weaver went.."

"What? Frank, make sense."

"Weaver left her ten minutes ago, she should have been up there with you, if she was coming to you! She got a call, and rushed off about the same time we found out that they had found Abby,"

"Wait, so they found her ten minutes ago? Wherever she went, it wasn't here. Think, Frank. Where did Weaver say she was going?"

"Roof, maybe? I don't know Susan, I didn't really bother to stop and chat with her,"

"I didn't say that you did, but did she at least say where she was headed? Is roof a fact or a guess?"

"I heard her say something about the roof, and that you two were arguing earlier, Abby wanting to be alone or some nonsense, where else could she go that would guarantee she could do just that?"

"Okay. Which lift did she take? Or stairs...? Only elevator three and stairwell A have roof access, did she take one of those?"

"Susan," Luka stepped in "she was on the roof, come on," She hung up on Frank and stared at Luka, bewildered. "They don't know how she got up there, but one of the guards had a hunch and found her,"

"She... Is Abby okay?"

"A little cold, but I think she'll be okay,"

"You've seen her?"

"No, Kerry is apparently trying to convince her that IV's are a good thing, trying to get her temp back up."

"But she's not hurt?"

"No. At least from what we've been able to see,"

"Can I see her? Where are they now?"

"Upstairs, room 408, I don't know if they're going to keep her there, or move her somewhere else,"

"Why are we standing and talking. Need to go. Make sure she's okay."

"Susan stop! Kerry is with her, she's okay! She's not hurt," he tried to reassure. "You can see her, but you have to be calm,"

"I'm calm, I'm calm," she barked, "Now let's go."

"If you go in there like this, its only going to scare her more,"

"She's scared? She's got no right to be scared, she's been scaring me..."

"No right? Good God Susan, do you remember what she's been though? She would never admit it, but she's more scared now then she was when she woke up,"

"That's not how I meant it, Luka. What I meant was-"

"Was what Susan?" he asked as he led her to Abby's room.

"Was that this little escape bit was her doing, not ours, that she... I don't know what I mean any more Luka... I... She... This is all...frustrating..."

"She didn't do anything wrong Susan, its not like she was planning to through herself off the roof,"

"We don't know that."

"Susan…I mean she wouldn't. I mean..its Abby, she would never,"

"You really think that?"

"And you really think she would?"

"Yeah, from how she's been lately, I do."

"So, would you consider this a foiled suicide attempt?"

"I don't know yet."

"But you think that's what she was doing on the roof?" he asked softly as they arrived outside of Abby's room.

"Like I said, I don't know. Maybe."

"Alight," he opened the door, "shall we?"

"Not much of a choice, is it," she mumbled and stepped in. Abby was in the bed, multiple blankets piled on top of her, but was arguing with Kerry about something.

"Hey there," Susan said, not much above a whisper, unsure of whether or not she actually wanted to get Abby's attention. It did catch Abby's attention, she actually looked over at Susan, but didn't say anything, before quickly returning to her argument with Kerry.

"No, I don't need any," Susan heard Abby telling Kerry, probably concerning the IV's which had yet to be reconnected.

"Abby, I was speaking to you. I know it's a lot to ask," she continued, her exasperation and upset clear in the tone of her voice, "but could you do more than glare at me when I talk to you?" she didn't receive an answer, not that she was really expecting one. "You know, maybe a hiss, or a glottal click?" Abby wanted to throw something at her, but nothing was handy. "But I'd settle for a snort or even profanities." Abby didn't say anything, she was not going to give into Susan or Luka, or even Kerry for that matter. "Fine, will someone please call a nurse, have them bring her chart up here?"

"I'll run and get it," a nurse who had entered the room with Susan and Luka offered, didn't wait for a response just left.

"Thank you," she said, knowing the retreating figure wouldn't hear it.

"Susan.." Luka whispered under his breath, wondering what exactly she was planning on doing.

"Not now, Luka, I can't deal with all of you at once."

"Don't do anything you're going to regret," he said and stepped back, as the nurse returned chart in hand.

"I'm done regretting. I'm doing what neither of you has the balls to." Abby closed her eyes, even though she was ignoring them, she could hear everything that was being said, and she didn't like the sound of what Susan had just said.

"Susan, don't do anything... impulsive." She nodded and walked over to Abby after quickly glancing over the updates on the chart. Abby would kill her for what she was about to do, but now Susan had to look at this now more from the perspective of a doctor, then a friend, it was the only way to help her patient.

"Is there a stethoscope around here?" The nurse nodded and forked her's over, Luka bit his lip, this was not going to go over well at all. "Thank you," she maneuvered so she was behind Abby and pressed the drum of the stethoscope to Abby's back, "Take a deep breath." Abby glared at her and squirmed away from the stethoscope, not wanting anyone or anything touching her. "Please stay still." Abby reached up and grabbed Susan's hand and threw it down, away from her, before curling up into a ball. Luka looked on, not knowing what to do. Abby wanted to scream at them just to leave her alone, not to touch her, but if she spoke, in her mind, she would lose the battle of wills that was currently going on between her and Susan. "Please inhale," Susan said calmly. Damn it, if nothing else, she was going to make sure Abby was physically okay. Once again, she moved away from Susan, positioning herself so that it would rather difficult for Susan to listen to her breathe, at least from the back. Susan simply readjusted her position and again, put the drum to Abby's back.

By now Abby was fuming, "get the hell away from me!" she screamed at Susan before pushing her away. Susan just braced herself, Abby's efforts, though genuine, were not enough to knock her back. "Don't you dare touch me," she growled, as Luka stepped forward, ready to protect Susan in case Abby became violent towards her.

"I'm just doing my job."

"Don't touch me, any of you," she shouted again.

"Abby," Susan said firmly, "Someone needs to examine you."

"No," she shook her head defiantly

"Yes."

"You cant touch me without my permission,"

"I'm not going to let you come out worse for wear because of something like a wound infection or pneumonia that no one caught because you wouldn't let them examine you."

"And you cant do a damn thing about it," Abby dared her.

"Don't be so sure of that."

"you can't touch me,"

"What makes you say that?"

"Its my choice! Clearly that doesn't matter anymore does it? It doesn't matter if I say no, beg or plead, its still going to happen isn't it Susan?"

"I have to do what I feel is right."

"You feel its right to go against my will? To blatantly disregard my request to be left alone, not to be touched, is that what you feel is right?" at least they had got her to talk with him, well rather yell, but she was still communicating.

"I feel it is right to look out for your physical wellbeing, as it seems that is all that I can do for you."

"Well don't, I don't need you or anyone else,"

"Believe what you want."

"Good, now get the fuck out!"

"When I'm done."

"No. I'm not going to let you do this."

"You think you can stop me?"

"What can you do?"

"What do you think?"

"No, don't you dare, just leave,"

"I don't plan on leaving just yet actually."

Abby turned to Kerry, "do something!"

"What would you like me to do?"

"Don't let her do this,"

"It's not my place to interfere."

"No, I don't want this! I'm a doctor I can look out for myself, I know what to look for." she tried, she was so frustrated, so angry especially at the three doctors now gathered in her room.

"No, Abby. You can't, it doesn't work that way," Susan had to bite the inside of her cheek, literally until it started to bleed, to keep from yelling.

"Well it does now,"

"That's not up to you."

"Its not up to me if you get to do whatever you want to me, is that what you're honestly saying Susan?"

"No. I'm saying I won't let you get sicker than you are."

"There is nothing you can do!"

"How do you know?"

"Stay the hell away, do not touch me, end of conversation,"

"Not sure if I'd call this a conversation."

"Well whatever it is, its over," she said and crossed her arms across her chest.

"Fine. So I can examine you in peace."

"NO!" she screamed at her that time.

"What happened to your being done talking?"

"Shut up Susan, just shut up,"

"You're the one screaming."

Abby shook her head, done arguing with her, she could at least wheel herself out of the room, away from Susan, away from them. She pushed herself into a sitting position and swung her legs over the bed.

"Going somewhere Abby?"

"Away from you guys,"

"Which is a motivation, not a destination."

"What does it matter to you? You cant keep me here, I can go wherever I want, when I want, I don't need your permission to do anything Dr. Lewis,"

"It matters to me because I give a damn, Abby. Up till recently, you've been my best friend. Now, it's painfully obvious that you don't want anything to do with me. If you won't have friends, you can at least have a physician who does their job right."

Abby looked down, she knew what Susan was saying was absolutely certain, but she sure as hell was not giving in just yet. "I don't care,"

"Well the rest of us do, so deal with it."

"Susan, what is not clear to you here? Huh? I do not want you or anyone else's hands on me, not now."

"Withdrawing from the world won't fix anything."

"First off I'm not withdrawing and second of all, how do you know I want anything fixed?"

"You saying that you want to stay like this forever?"

"Nothing is wrong! Except for the three of you constantly doubting me!"

"It's not doubt, Abby, it's concern."

"Okay, two options here, you three leave, or I am,"

"No, you're not withdrawing."

"Excuse me? I can leave whenever I want and there is no a damn thing you can do about it"

"That was sarcasm, Abby. I wasn't saying you couldn't leave. I was commenting on your claim that you weren't withdrawing from the world."

"I'm not! I just want to be alone for two damn seconds!" she spoke, near tears.

"All you want anymore is to be alone. Is there that much ugliness in the human race?"

"If I said yes, you would question me, if I said no, you would do the same. It doesn't matter," she said putting particular emphasis on 'doesn't;'

"You don't know what I would or wouldn't do."

"Fine, you win. Now please leave,"

"Answer the question."

"What do you think Susan? Lets see, since that night, or what I can remember of it, I've been attacked, awoke from a coma, only to find out what had happened, that I'm dependent on dialysis for the time being, oh lets not forget that some people feel the need to keep certain things from me. I told you, now you can leave me the fuck alone."

"What is it that I'm keeping from you?"

The question caught her off guard, think fast! "nothing, I just don't want anyone in here,"

"If I'm not keeping anything from you, then be honest about it. I'm going now. I'll be back to check on you later."

"Don't bother,"

"I will bother."

"What exactly is it that you hope to accomplish Susan? You cant help me, neither can Kerry or Luka, just give up already!"

"Abby, you've known me long enough to know that I don't give up."

"Well maybe its time to accept reality, and realize that sometimes you might just have to" Abby said, Susan hearing the defeat in her voice.

"Not now it isn't."

"For you maybe, but not for me,"

"Well, we'll have to agree to disagree I suppose."

"Okay."

"Now, I'll see you in a bit."

Abby didn't respond that time, just sat there, seemingly lost in thought realizing that she had actually lost that battle.


	15. Talking

Abby awoke feeling much worse then she had when she had fallen asleep three hours ago, then she wasn't feeling bad at all, at least physically. But now, now she felt like shit, she was freezing and it seemed that no matter the amount of blankets piled on top of her, she couldn't warm up. She'd practically begged the nurse to bring her warming blankets, but she had a fever apparently. She sure felt a lot colder than 102 degrees. She had even agreed to letting the nurse start another line for cold saline, but it didn't seem to be doing its job. They'd tried Tylenol, Motrin, anything to get the fever down, and were finally trying to get her to consent to IV antibiotics. She shook her head, not wanting anything to be injected into the IV port, especially after what Stenton did to her.

Not long after that, Susan, who had officially become the treating physician, or one of them at least, had gotten word.

"She's going to kill me Luka, she's going to be the death of me" Susan said after she had hung up the phone with Abby's nurse.

"What now?"

"Apparently she has a decent fever, Motrin and Tylenol have not touched it, and she's refusing antibiotics."

"She's just reacting I suppose."

"Yeah, well we have to figure out what's causing the fever,"

"Probably an infection from the dialysis."

"In that case, if we don't stop it soon, she's screwed,"

"We don't have that much power, Susan. She won't give it to us."

"Then what do we do? Just like her fry?"

"What's her fever at?"

"102.6"

"She won't fry at that. Yet."

"But if it is an infection caused by the dialysis.."

"Susan, calm down, it's not uncommon."

"No Luka I will not calm down, she can not afford this!"

"Well, you can't force it on her, short of an order of mental incapacitation."

"I can at least go and check on her,"

"Maybe wait a little longer."

She nodded, Luka was right she was over reacting. Ten minutes later, the phone rang again, "yeah..um.. I'll be up in a few," she said and hung up the phone.

"What was that?"

"Her fever's gone up, she's puking," Susan paused "and she asked for me,"

"Go to her then, but don't do anything... anything you might regret." She nodded and was up the stairs in no time.

Abby felt like hell, so much so that she had actually asked the nurse to call Susan. Susan would know what to do how to fix whatever this was. If she even decided to come up, which Abby seriously doubted at the moment, not after their last meeting. She shivered and brought the one blanket closer, the damn nurse had taken the other four away.

"Abby," she heard the familiar voice accompanied by a knock at the doorway, "It's Susan. Is it okay if I go in?"

"Yeah," she replied. She went in slowly, avoiding sudden movements, unsure of what to expect. Abby looked at her, surprised she had come, "I'm sorry," she spoke, as she laid back into the pillows.

"Need anything?"

"I don't feel to hot," she tried to joke, unaware that Susan already knew.

"I think I caught that drift. I think you should give consideration to antibiotics."

"what's wrong with me?" she asked, hardly above a whisper.

"Infection would be the logical assumption."

"Okay," she said, suddenly turning green, "I'm going to be sick," and forced herself up.

Susan grabbed at the nearest basin... Well, technically it was a kidney dish, but it worked just as well, "Here." Abby got it just in time, as she did indeed get sick.

"thanks," she said finally after finishing before collapsing back against the pillows.

"You're welcome."

"I'm freezing," Abby spoke, hugging the blanket as close around her body as possible.

"You're burning up according to the thermometer."

"What's it at?" the last time she checked, the nurse had told her it was 102.

"102.9"

"it keeps going up,"

"Which means that it's likely only antibiotics will bring it down."

"I don't want them injected, but I cant hold anything down," she said, not wanting to let onto her fear of being injected with medication now.

"We could try compazine, or maybe give it a second try orally."

"Okay, anything I don't care anymore, just make the headache go away."

"Alright. I'll have the nurse bring you some."

"Um..could you stay for a while..just in case something happens?"

"Sure. Just hit the call button so a nurse gets in here, okay?" Abby nodded and pressed the button, suddenly exhausted. "Want anything else? Maybe try some ice or something?"

"I want to sleep, and I want another blanket, this sheet just isn't cutting it,"

"You can have another blanket when we aren't' worried about you baking."

"Please Susan, I'm cold," she practically begged as she fought to stay awake.

"That's the fever talking, Abby."

"No, I really am cold, I'm freezing the monitor is lying, please,"

"Am I allowed to touch your forehead?" Abby nodded, not in the mood to fight with Susan right then. Susan pressed the back of her hand to Abby's forehead and found it far too warm. "The monitor tells no lies."

"Can you turn off the lights, they are only adding to my headache,"

"Sure."

Abby nodded a thank you once the lights were off, it didn't help the headache, but didn't make it any worse, but it was still defiantly there. "Susan, please you have to get rid of this headache," she spoke and put her hands to her eyes. Finally the nurse arrived, and minutes later, had the antibiotic tablet and compazine. Susan caught on that as she injected the compazine, Abby's eyes never left the syringe.

"It's okay, it's done. No seizures, no new coma. Just a bit of compazine."

"Yeah, of course,"

"Now ready to try the horse pill? Not as effective, but worth a shot."

'Okay," she said and took the drug from Susan, hoping that she would be able to swallow the enormous thing. Her mind was screaming at her to just take it via IV, that there was no way in hell she could keep anything down.

"Try breaking it in half."

She nodded and tried, but soon realized it would be impossible, even as much as she hated to admit it Abby, realized she simply was not as strong as she was before Stenton, that she did in fact need the help.

"Want me to do it?"

"you don't mind?"

"If I minded, I wouldn't offer."

Abby nodded and handed it over, watching as Susan broke it in half with incredible ease.

"Here ya go. Down from one pill of 600 mg to two of 300. Still a lot to swallow, but not quite as bad."

"Thanks," she took it, and the water, but as soon as it hit her lips, she gagged, her body revolting. "damn it," she said frustrated.

"Compazine isn't helping?"

"not really,"

"Sure you don't want to try the IV? I know it's not... I know you don't want it, but is it worth all this?"

"Why isn't it working, why wont the Tylenol work or the Motrin or the Compazine, or anything else for that matter!" she cried.

"Because they don't always work well. Different people, different responses to medications

"Its not fair," she knew how childish that sounded and knew probably what Susan's response would be, along the lines of life isn't fair, but this was ridiculous. "I didn't do anything wrong Susan,"

"I know you didn't, sometimes things just happen."

"I.." she couldn't get the words out, she was crying so hard now.

"It's okay, Abby. It's okay. Its a lot to deal with, but it's okay. You can get through this."

"I..can't" she managed to get out, doubting Susan could translate it between the sobs.

"Yeah, Abby. You can."

"They didn't have to do it Susan," she cried, never having mentioned it before. But Susan suddenly grew more concerned, she had said they.

"Didn't have to do what?"

"Hurt me like that, I said, I told them I wouldn't go to the police, but they didn't care, they laughed."

"Them? There was more than one attacker, Abby?" she nodded slowly. "Do you know who they were?"

"I know Stenton, I don't know the other one, he just held me down, didn't hurt me," she squeezed her eyes shut,.

"Never saw him before?"

"I don't think so, I might have, I didn't really see him that much, just when he grabbed me."

"Do you think you could talk to the police about it?"

"NO!" Abby said a little to fast for Susan's comfort.

"You don't have to, don't worry about it."

"Okay," she seemed to relax and lean back into the pillows, relieved that Susan was not going to force her to talk with them.

"The IV, willing to try it?"

"Has my fever come down at all?"

"Nope."

"What is it?" she was seriously weighing the odds here, did she want the antibiotics or not.

"Penicillin maybe?"

"It wont come down without it?"

"Doesn't look likely."

After a little more hesitation, Abby nodded, agreeing. "Okay,"

"You're not allergic, right?"

"I don't think so.." she said, but Susan could actually hear how nervous Abby was about this.

"You're not sure? There are alternatives to it," it was a way to stall.

"I..I don't know anymore, I don't even know if I want it, but if I don't get it, I'm going to just get worse,"

"There are alternatives.

"Like what?"

"Other medications."

"I don't care, I cant take this anymore, my head is pounding, and I'm freezing, do something, anything,"

"Okay, let's try the penicillin." Abby nodded, couldn't argue anymore, not with this headache. It started scaring her, what had she come down with? Again, Susan had the nurse bring in the drug, this time a small IV bag. "I'm going to hook it up now, okay?"

"Alright," she said softly, keeping her eyes closed.

She connected it to the IV port, "It'll take a while to work, but eventually we'll see improvement."

"I'm freezing, now can I have a blanket?" she asked hopefully.

"Sure. As long as you don't go up to 103, you can have a blanket."

"I'll work on it," she replied, trying to stay awake, glad that Susan was there with her. It didn't happen, she couldn't stay awake any longer, the last thing she was aware of was Susan spreading the blanket over her and then she was out.

Susan glanced over at the clock, and was surprised to see she'd been there for quite some time. She wanted to head back down to the ER, but at the same time, couldn't leave Abby just then, maybe she could call them? She dialed down to the ER, and was careful to speak quietly, not wanting to awaken Abby.

"ER," came Frank's voice.

"Frank, is Weaver down there? Or Kovac?"

"Kovac!" he shouted

"So only he's there?" she asked, having heard the screech. How many times did they have to tell him to hit 'hold' first?

"Weaver's in her office, its dead down here. How's Lockhart,"

"I'll catch you all up later."

"Want me to page Weaver. have her come up there?" he offered.

"Yeah. Please." It only took seven minutes, and Kerry was at the door, "Hi Kerry," she whispered.

"Susan, did something happen?"

"Besides the apparent onset of a massive infection, yes something did happen."

"Details forthcoming, I'm sure."

"There was more then one Kerry, Stenton had help apparently,"

"Who?"

"I don't know, she just told me, said he held her down, she had never seen him before, doesn't even remember all that much about him."

"So we have no idea if he worked here."

"We know nothing Kerry, we don't even know if he's been in here, maybe that's why she is so freaked out about everything,"

"I think when she wakes up, we need to discuss the possibility of a transfer with her."

"You want to transfer her? Now? She.."

"If there is even a possibility that one of her attackers is still at large and has access to her here, she can't stay here, it wouldn't be safe."

"But if he does work here, he'll find out about the transfer, where we sent her,"

"Discression has its place. Even if he were to know where she was transferred to, it's not a guarantee that he would have the same level of access."

"We had no idea, I thought Stenton was the only one,"

"Everyone did, I think. Nothing in the evidence pointed to two attackers, and prior to now, Abby didn't say a word about what happened."

"We need to talk to the police, yet she doesn't want to. I wonder, do you think she has seen him here, maybe he has said something to her, that's why she refuses treatment?"

"That's part of why I think she needs to be at a different hospital."

"Think she'll agree?"

"I don't know, but at the very least, we can try."

"And what do we do about the police? They have to know,"

"Abby's wellbeing has to be our primary concern. If you wish to take the information to them, then you may, but I doubt it will do much good unless they hear it straight from her."

"And no way in hell is she even going to think about speaking to them. Well," she said looking back at Abby. "At least we've made some progress…I think."

"I think you're right. She's at least acknowledging what happened."

"I don't think she even realized she was doing, what she was saying, it just came out. Maybe the fever is a good thing," Susan tried to joke.

"Possibly, but it needs to go down sooner rather than later. She can't be transported with a temp of 102.5."

"Yeah, I think whatever it is, is caused by the dialysis, but I'm not for certain, and I know what her answer would be if I asked to get some blood drawn,"

"If she responds to the antibiotics, it won't be an issue."

"Lets hope she does," she paused. "Where were you thinking of transferring her?"

"Mercy, Mt. Sinai, St. Jude, just about any place with an ICU."

"Does she still need the ICU.. I mean.."

"For the time being, I think it would be preferable, though she might be alright in telemetry."

Susan nodded, "what do we do while she's here, we cant just leave her unprotected now that we know,"

"I can arrange for a guard to be outside her room with security."

"But then if he's still here, it would alert him to the fact that she told us,"

"What would you prefer? Transferring her to a locked ward? It would keep her safe without telling him anything, but will likely do her more harm than good psychologically."

"So for the time being its what is worse: mentally or physically, which one are we willing to risk more?"

"I think it's up to her."

"Either way, it's the lesser of two evils, pick your poison. And we both know she wont get us an answer besides 'she's fine'"

"She can pick her own poison."

"How soon do you think we could arrange the transfer? And actually get her there?"

"Once she gives it her okay, if she does... Not long, maybe an hour to arrange, maybe a little longer, the length of the actual transfer depends on where she's going."

"You don't think she'll agree to it, do you?"

"I don't know. It's been hard, if not impossible, to gauge her reactions lately."

"Wonderful," she looked back in to see that Abby appeared to be waking up, "want me to talk to her, or you?" or the both of them was of course another option. Two was always better then one.

"You can do the talking, but I'll stick around, in case I can be of use."

"Let the epic battle begin…again," Susan smiled as she slowly walked into Abby's room, followed by Kerry.

"You mean it stopped?" Kerry mumbled under her breath as she stepped inside, unsure of what they would face.

"You left?" Abby asked sleepily, worried what might have happened while she was alone.

"Just stepped out for a moment," Susan reassured her.

"Oh okay," she yawned.

"Abby, we need to talk to you about the possibility of being transferred."

"What?" she shook her head, trying to get rid of the cobwebs that formed after one woke up after a deep sleep. "Why?"

"For your safety."

"you think he's here?"

"If your second attacker is still at large, we don't know what access he does or doesn't have to the hospital."

"But..if I transferred…he would know…and I cant.." she shook her head, trying to come up with a decent sentence.

"Your transfer doesn't have to be a matter of common knowledge."

"so I was just discharged immediately from the ICU?" Abby looked at them.

"For all they know, yes."

"No..he would find out..if he and then.. I," she said debating if the transfer was a good idea or not.

"He won't know where you are. Even if he's from inside the hospital, especially if he's from inside this hospital, you'd be safer somewhere else. He wouldn't be able to get to you there. Wouldn't have a security badge, or know where to look."

"He was wearing scrubs Kerry, he carried a stethoscope that was all he needed, I never even saw a security badge, he could have been some psycho off the street posing as a nurse. We were passed by a guard, he never even noticed."

"It might help. There's no way to be certain, but at the very least, it's an added obstacle for him. What is there to loose?"

"Besides having to get use to strangers taking care of my every need, injecting drugs, while it not seem scary to you, to me.." she shook her head, not believing she had just admitted to being scared.

"It would be a big transition, we understand that, but maybe someone could go with you. Not to treat you, but just... to be there, if it'd be any help."

"After the way I've treated everyone?"

"No one has minded Abby."

"I doubt that." she paused "where would I go,"

"Any preference? You could probably be down to telemetry, so just about any hospital in Chicago. Believe me, they haven't taken it personally."

She thought about it for a minute "someone would go with me? They wouldn't have to stay, just in the helicopter or ambulance,"

"Yeah, it wouldn't be too tricky to work out, right Kerry?"

"Something could be arranged,"

"What do you say Abby?" Susan asked hopefully, they had actually suggested something without having to fight her for it. At least, so far.

"I.." Susan and Kerry could both tell that she was frightened, "Okay," she agreed, reluctantly.

"Alright. Good. Thank you," Susan was more than a little relieved, "how soon do you think you'd be willing to go?"

Abby closed her eyes and shook her head before reopening them and looking at Kerry and Susan. "you handle everything, okay?"

"Of course."

"Thank you," she nodded, not relaxed in the least bit, trying to calm the anxiety that was building up.

"We're going to try for later tonight or early tomorrow morning then, just before a shift change, if that's alright."

"The shift change? Everyone's here then.. I mean maybe he would know..I..I.."

"Before the shift change, I meant. With everything else that goes on, your departure will be less noticible."

"Unless he's watching.." she squeezed her eyes shut, trying to picture his face.

"That's the thing, during a shift change, it'd be too hectic for him to follow you."

"Or for anyone to notice he is following me,"

"We'd be there, one of us would notice."

"Are you sure?"

"Pretty sure."

"What if he tries something before, or what if he's the paramedic or.." her mind was going a thousand different places trying to think of who the second attacker way. Right then, it was any male wearing scrubs.

"We can have a guard here, stay by the door if you'd like, until the transfer. And go by chopper when we do. Remember, someone can be with you while you're being transported. Whoever it is will watch your back."

"The guard.. But what if he sees the guard he'll know I told," she said anxiously, her voice cracking, and a tear running down her cheek, letting Kerry and Susan know just how frightened she really was.

"No one has to think that's why. Or someone could stay with you, in here, if you'd like. Anyone from down in the ER would be more than happy to do so."

"Okay.." she nodded, still not exactly sure about her decision.,

"Anyone in particular you'd like to have up here?"

"No..no I don't care," she paused, realizing how much she had just admitted to, damn it. "You know what.. I'll be fine, don't worry about it, I can be by myself." putting the wall back up.

"Are you sure Abby? I'm sure some of them would be glad for a chance to catch up."

She took a deep breath, making sure her voice was steady before she spoke, "I said I would be fine,"

"If you're sure, okay."

"I think I will be, I mean, its stupid right for me to think that he would try and.."

"It's not stupid to worry, Abby. It's probably normal."

She looked up at them and shook her head "this isn't normal,"

"Being afraid? Everyone is at some point."

"Afraid yes. Scared to death of movement in the dark, I doubt a lot of people over the age of three feel the same way Susan. Or the fact that I get so scared that I yell at my friends, push everyone away. How is that normal?"

"Abby, you've been through a lot, it's a reaction to what's happened."

"I don't remember half of it, I remember bits and pieces. I've treated people in the ER that have been through a lot more then me, and they are somewhat normal after six weeks,"

"You haven't really had six weeks yet, and maybe they only seem that way."

"This isn't right, not normal, I shouldn't be like this! I don't want to be like this,"

"In time, you won't be."

"Yeah, until one of them finishes what they started!"

"They won't get that chance."

"Are you one hundred percent certain of that? Can you guarantee me that they wont?"

"Nothing is a guarantee, but I'll do what's in my power, Abby," Susan didn't want to make a promise she wasn't sure that she'd be able to keep.

"So there is still the chance one of them will come back and hurt.."

"Not if I can stop them."

"You cant," Abby closed her eyes "I tried Susan, I tried so hard,"

"I know, Abby. I know you did. It wasn't your fault, wasn't anything you could've prevented."

Abby looked at her friend "Susan, security was right there. He grabbed me, even as they walked right past, didn't notice a thing. If security cant protect me in the moment is happening, what the hell are you going to do?"

"Pay attention." That caught Abby off guard, she was speechless, didn't know how to reply to that. "Sometimes that's all that can be done, but I think it's enough. Or at least worth a try."

"Thank you," she whispered, biting her lower lip to prevent from crying.

"You're welcome Abby."

"Susan," Abby began, "where did the other blanket go?" it was weird, ever since that night, she picked up on, noticed every single minor detail. Scary.

"Which other blanket?"

"I had another blanket.. I had three just before you left," Susan as she listened, shot Kerry a concerned glance. After a quick look around the room, Kerry noticed a lumped up blanket that had slid between the night stand and bed. Once it was handed over, Abby brought it close to her body, freezing, hoping that: one she would finally warm up and two that they would hurry up and get the transfer done.

"Abby, if it's alright with you, I should go arrange for the transfer, first I need to know if you have any preference as to where, or if there's anyone in particular you'd like to have with you en route."

"I don't care where, just someone please in the chopper."

"Okay Abby," Kerry said as she got up, "you might want to get a clean blanket though, I know hospitals are supposed to be clean, but it was still wadded up on the floor for a bit."

She forced a smile "I'm keeping this one until another one is in my hands..I'm freezing,"

Kerry shook her head, high fevers tended to have that effect on people, "I'll be back once everything's been taken care of if that's amicable."

"Okay," she watched as Kerry left, leaving her and Susan in the room.

An hour and a half later, Kerry returned to the room, "I've made the arrangements. Tomorrow at five, you'll be transferred to Mercy by helicopter accompanied by the medically trained and flight certified individual of your choosing where you will be admitted to telemetry, if you're okay with that."

"That's fine, thank you," she yawned.

"You're welcome. You should probably decide who you want tonight so that if they're on down in the ER, they can be given the evening off, or a substitute can be arranged if they're scheduled to work the day shift."

She closed her eyes. "will you go Kerry?" she whispered.

"If you want me to, of course," she said, forcing herself to forget how much she hated her flight rotation back when she was a resident.

Another thank you and she was out like a light. Before she actually got the fever, falling asleep was often a difficult task, staying asleep was in harder. Positive side of the infection.. sleep came much easier.

"Susan, I hate to ask, but can you cover an attending shift in the ER tomorrow? I'll take Labor day if you'd like."

Susan smiled, knowing exactly what was up. "sure, just make sure you get her there safely okay?"

"That was the plan."

"Her fever come down at all?" she asked, having left Abby nearly an hour ago to go and check on things in the ER.

"Two tenths of a degree."

"Ohh!" she laughed sarcastically "look at the improvement. Is she okay to be transferred like that? I mean normally a healthy patient with nothing else besides the fever.. but now with the dialysis?"

"The dialysis isn't that big an issue actually, for transport. It's not as though she needs it twenty four hours a day. It's taken into account, but not a large concern."

"Right I know, but what I'm asking is, is the fever a big concern, especially after everything that has happened, is she stable enough?"

"Her condition's far from ideal, but she's not overly likely to decompensate in the air, I think the risk is justified."

"Lockhart is going to Mercy huh?" Morris said loudly as she slammed the charts down on the counter.

"Damn it, Morris," Susan hissed, "Keep it down, will you?"

"What? Oh please, everyone is going to find out where she is anyway,"

"No, Morris, the idea was that they wouldn't, at least not right now."

"Whatever. So when are you planning on this secret mission," he said clearly not getting the picture.

"It's not a matter for public discussion."

"Right." he spoke. No body noticing the lone figure leaning against the wall listening to every word being said. "I should see her before she goes, I miss her,"

Taking Abby's state into consideration, Susan decided it wasn't the best idea, "It might not be good for either of you. She's not really up to guests."

"You kidding? Abby loves me," he smiled.

"She's not feeling well."

"Fine. I get it," he said as his pager started going off. "I'll come and see her tomorrow at Mercy!" and then he walked off.

"Morris, get your ass back here," Kerry screamed after him. He stopped instantly and turned around, keeping his head down as he walked over. "My office, now," she said coolly

"What did I do?" he said, sounding much like a child caught doing something he was not supposed to be doing.

"Now," Kerry added, a bit less serenely. Reluctantly he followed and when the door slammed shut in her office, he felt the shit hit the fan. "You are not to say a word about her transfer, or to visit her while she's there, do you understand that, Dr. Morris?"

"Why? Stenton's in jail, its not like anyone is after her anymore!"

"It's not that simple, and I'm not going to waste time trying to explain it to you, so I will make this crystal clear. If you say a word to anyone, write anything down, go to visit her, or do anything whatsoever that might reveal anything about Abby's transfer, you will be fired."

"Okay." he nodded, knowing full well that Kerry was serious.

"As long as we're clear on that," she said plainly, secretly regretting having hired him, "do you have patients to be treating?"

He nodded and was out the door in a second, all the while wondering what was so secretive about Abby's transfer. After a moment, she followed down to the ER.

The man waited until both Susan and Kerry had left the admit desk before calming pulling out a cell phone, after all, he had been given strict instructions to call on any new information.

Back downstairs, it was a madhouse, and Kerry was quickly pulled into the whirlwind. About two hours later, Kerry decided to make a quick detour to the lounge on her way to the next patient. Coffee. Susan was there, half asleep on the couch.

"she okay?" Susan asked, not opening her eyes.

"Abby? I haven't heard anything, so presumably no change."

"maybe she's finally getting better,"

"At least she's not decompensating. You look about as bad as Abby, go home, get some sleep."

"No, not until she's.." she didn't say the word "you look like hell yourself,"

"Gee, thanks. I'm serious, go, before I call Chuck and have him drag you out of here. I'll check on her."

"we told her we would protect her, I told her I'd pay attention, cant do that if I'm at home,"

"So at least go camp out in her room instead of the lounge. I'll keep a handle on things down here."

Susan looked at her watch, "its one in the morning, she's going in four hours, ER is not busy, pull up a couch,"

"If I sit down, I will fall asleep."

"We've got three and a half hours Kerry, might as well use it," Susan yawned as she closed her eyes.

"But if I go to sleep, I'm not going to wake up for a very long time."

"I'll throw some cold water on you,"

"You wouldn't."

"If you're the one going on the chopper, the one Abby requested, and refuse to wake up, I just might have to."

"It's not that I wouldn't wake up. The bearer of the ice water would meet an unfortunate end. I think I'll get some coffee."

"Okay. For example, what if Abby were suddenly, while in transit, decide to code on you or something, how much help could you be to her without sleep"

"Three hours won't make much difference, but have it your way. I'll be in my office, use a projectile, my alarm clocks die prematurely, and I don't want my ER chief to meet the same fate," Kerry forced herself out of bed at ungodly hours, usually before the sun had risen, but her tendency to backfist alarm clocks meant they were replaced at least five times per year.

Susan nodded and was out instantly, sleeping soundly for the first time in over a month.


	16. transfer

First of all, we would like to thank everyone for reading and for your awesome reviews, and would like to take this opportunity to address a few of the comments made. This story was basically completed before posting began, and while some minor revisions were made, and may still be made, the ending will stay the same. The constant conflict between Abby and Susan is symbolic in ways that will become more apparent later.

Susan awoke at exactly 4:14, quickly grabbed a cup of coffee, and calmly walked up to Abby's room, surprised to see Kerry already there.

"Susan, nice of you to join us."

"I'm here fifteen minutes early, thank you very much, and Abby is still out if it, so I'm fine!"

"Actually, you're only twelve minutes early, and that's besides the point."

"You want to wake her now, or when the flight crew gets here?"

"Wait for the flight crew, I'd say."

Susan nodded and looked at her watch "should be here any minute actually,"

"I need to round up a flight suit, can you stay with Abby for a few minutes?"

"Yeah, of course, go," She watched as Kerry left, leaving her alone with Abby. "Hey lady," she spoke softly not wanting to wake her, and grabbed her hand, "don't worry, we'll take care of everything," she felt a tiny squeeze in her hand, not sure if Abby was awake, or if it was just a reaction.

Kerry returned shortly, looking only slightly ridiculous in flight gear, "Still asleep?"

"Yeah, I think so," she looked out the doorway to see two men and three nurses enter the room, the men dragging a gurney. "Hi," she spoke softly, greeting them.

"She ready to go?"

"Once she is awake," Susan answered and walked back over to Abby.

"Would you be willing to wake her? Chopper's waiting."

"I am going to wake her, but I don't particularly think it's a grand idea, to just shout at her to wake up," Susan fired before returning her attention to Abby. "Abby?" Abby mumbled something inaudibly, then rolled over. "Abby, its Susan," she spoke softly, "need to wake up for us, hon"

"Five more minutes,"

"No Abby, now, come on!" without thinking about it, Susan placed her hand on Abby's shoulder and gently shook her. At that, Abby didn't quite flip out, but was visibly disturbed as she snapped upright. "Abby, you okay?"

"What?"

"You just look frightened, nightmare?"

"I don't know... Just...I don't know. Who are they?"

"Flight crew, we're transferring you, remember?"

"Oh... Right. Can I have a minute?"

"Absolutely.. everything alright?"

"Just... Yeah...I just need a minute."

"Okay, we'll be right outside, come get ya in a minute alright?"

"Yeah. Thanks." Susan smiled and stepped out, next to Kerry.

"did something happen?" she asked.

"I have no idea."

Susan suddenly felt the pit in her stomach and turned to face the nurse "did anyone go in there while we were gone?"

"I don't believe so."

"you don't believe so, or you don't know so,"

"Don't believe so," she said plainly. She'd left strict orders as to who could enter, and asked a particularly trusted ICU nurse to keep an eye out, but there were no guarantees.

"Okay, Abby?" she knocked on the door, seeing that the paramedics were getting antsy.

"What?"

"can we come in, they are reading to get you on the chopper, get you outta here,"

"Okay." Susan nodded and pressed open the door, finding Abby in the exact same spot where she had left her. "Ready?"

She eyed the paramedics cautiously and finally nodded. "Yeah,"

"Alright then, hold on Ma'am." Abby sat there, telling herself that everything was just fine, that nobody would hurt her, when before she knew it they were outside into the cold night air.

"Abby," Susan asked on the roof, "do you want me to meet you at Mercy?"

"Its up to you," she wanted Susan there, wanted anyone who would protect her there, but would never admit to it.

"I'll be there, then. Within a half hour of your arrival if the traffic's light."

She nodded and closed her eyes as they hoisted the gurney into the chopper.

"It will be alright Abby," she heard Susan's voice, reassuring her, somehow sensing her apprehension. She nodded and before she knew it they were in the air, both Kerry and the paramedic sitting close by.

"Kerry," she kept her eyes closed, "how long until we get there?"

"Ten to twenty minutes probably."

She nodded again, and actually opened her eyes, taking in her surroundings. Sure, she had been on a medical chopper, but never on this side of the gurney, it was different.. scary.

"You okay?" Kerry asked, seeing Abby's fright.

"Fin…" but she stopped, Kerry was her friend, wouldn't care if she admitted that she was scared. "No,"

"Something physically wrong, or...?"

She shrugged her shoulders, and looked at her. "I don't really know.. I just have that feeling, do you know what I mean?"

"Yeah, I think so."

"I've never been the patient, well for this long, not able to do anything for myself, depending on someone for everything, its weird, its not me,"

"Takes a bit of getting used to," conversation was difficult above the roar of the chopper's blades.

"Its like they took 'me' away also," she whispered. Kerry just shook her head. The Abby everyone knew was still there, just a bit veiled. "You don't think so?" she looked sadly at Kerry, needing all the trust she could get. People trusting her, and her trusting people.

"You're still here, aren't you?"

"Yes,"

"Then they haven't taken you away unless you let them."

"Kerry, I heard the nurses talking, everyone has noticed how much I've changed,"

"People always change, it's a part of being alive."

"I didn't want to change, not like this, not to this." angry, depressed, the two words she could use to describe herself at any given moment.

"You can keep changing, in any way you want. Stagnation requires more effort."

"To make an effort, I would have to talk about it, how can I do that, when I cant even think about it?"

"So focus elsewhere if that's what it takes."

"That's half the problem, I cant focus on anything else, I've tried and I fail, then I get pissed at everyone around me,"

"Maybe you're trying too hard."

"Then what the hell do I do?"

"Get out of your head." Abby shot her a confused look, and shook her head, not quite understanding what Kerry was telling her. "A temporary cease of intrinsic focus can lead to a beneficial change in perspective."

"What do I do?" she repeated, needing clear direction at this point.

"Watch TV, read, write, draw, deal with other human beings. Distract yourself."

"So what do I do when everyone starts accusing me of withdrawing when I refuse to talk about what happened, because we both know someone will want me to,"

"Ignore them for now."

"Apparently," Abby thought back to when Susan and her had had their major blowout a few days back, "even if I do ignore someone, they still do what they want,"

"Not their presence, but... You don't have to be the person other people want you to be, or do what they want. Unless you're at work, but that's a different matter."

"I want to be who I was, not who I am," she sighed, "and we both now that wont happen,"

"But you don't have to stay where you are."

"Unfortunately, that's how I'm seeing it Kerry," she said after a minute.

"And I know better than to waste my breath trying to change your mind."

Abby smiled at that "well, at least one thing has stayed the same,"

"I suppose."

"Kerry, has Dubenko put me on the list?" for the first time, she actually was inquiring about a transplant.

"He can't until you request it."

"Oh," she said, trying to hide the disappointment in her voice and turned her head to look out the window.

"Do you want to get onto the list?"

"Is there really any chance I could find a donor anytime soon?"

"Yes."

"But not with my blood type.. It would take months,"

"There've been some inquiries among your friends down in the ER about trying to find a living donor."

"Oh no, no living donor, I cant, I wont let them risk anything for me being selfish,"

"If someone's willing to take the risk, it's not selfish of you to accept. Anyone in medicine knows the risks, what they're doing."

"And if something were to happen to that person.. I would never forgive myself,"

"The odds of anything going wrong are pretty slim, and the donor wouldn't be jumping in blindly, Abby."

"Yeah, true, but like I said with my blood type, I doubt there is anyone who could,"

"You might be surprised."

"With my luck, I seriously doubt it," she said as the helicopter began its slow decent.

"No harm in trying."

Abby thought about it, and by the time the chopper touched down, she'd made her decision, "can you talk to Dubenko for me?"

"Of course."

"Thank you Kerry," the doors were suddenly thrown open, the suddenness and noise causing Abby to jump.

"Everything's okay, sorry to startle you," one of the flight nurses mumbled.

"You're coming right?" Abby said ignoring the nurse as they unhooked all the equipment.

"Yeah, just a moment."

"okay," she was taken out of the helicopter and was suddenly surrounded by a crowed of people she didn't know, well knew they were doctors and nurses. 'its alright, just here to help' she kept telling herself.

"Is it okay if I meet you in the room in a few minutes?" She thought it over, then gave a very faint nod. "See you there in a bit then." She didn't get a chance to answer, before the doctors and nurses began pushing the gurney out of the cold weather and back into the safety of the hospital.

"She really that bad?" the flight crew nurse asked, once Abby was inside.

"Beg pardon?"

"Dr. Lockhart right? I went over her chart right before.. And I'm sorry I had no idea,"

"I see." The nurse smiled and jumped back into the helicopter, finishing up whatever was necessary. Kerry just shook her head and moved onward, wondering when Susan would arrive.

"They wont let us in yet," Susan handed off a cup of coffee to Kerry, as they stood outside her room, "doubt she's to happy right now,"

"Can't say I blame her for it. At least the transfer went smoothly," Kerry gratefully accepted the coffee.

"She did okay?"

"Yeah."

"Talk about anything, try to maul you? Or my favorite, flat out pretend you don't exist?"

"No incidents actually, if you can believe it. She seems interested in a transplant."

Susan choked on the coffee she was drinking, when she heard that, "you're serious aren't you?"

"It's not something I would joke about."

"She actually seems interested in, oh what's the word.. Living now!" she smiled.

"Maybe. I hope so."

"You don't seem to optimistic, you think she's up to something?"

"I don't know. I don't want to get my hopes up too soon."

"We're going to have to get her to talk about it sooner or later, she has to,"

"She'll bring it up if she wants to discuss it."

"you think its better for her just to suppress it? Forget it, pretend like nothing has happened, because damn it Kerry, we know that's exactly what will happen"

"I think forcing the issue is likely to worsen the situation."

"We don't have to force it, but.." Susan spoke, running out of ideas.

"But what? Just bring it up at every chance you get?"

"This is not good for her Kerry, at all,"

"Not much is."

"So you honestly think, just letting her ignore it, is better, in this situation?"

"Not so much a matter of letting her ignore it, as choosing not to beat her over the head with it."

"I'm just worried, that Abby is trying to pretend that nothing has happened."

"You've made that amply clear."

"Yes, because I'm positive of what Abby is doing, pushing it all away. Why else would she suddenly open up to the idea of a transplant?"

"In this mental game of chess, there are a hundred different possible outcomes."

"She has not spoken more then three words about it, suddenly mentions a second attacker, and then goes a completely different direction?" she said as a doctor stepped out of Abby's room, shutting the door behind her.

"If we're going to continue this discussion, it should be later and in a less public setting."

"Everything is always later! How much later, do we really have?"

"Probably not much, but this isn't the place."

Susan shook her head and turned to face the doctor, "Susan Lewis," she stuck out her hand. "How is she?" she didn't wait for the doctor to introduce herself, didn't really care.

"That depends on her baseline, really."

"Ohh," Susan laughed sarcastically, "doing that well then?"

"Actually, how well any patient is or isn't doing depends heavily on their baseline."

Susan turned and looked at the doctor, "sorry, I didn't catch your name,"

"Leslie Hernandez."

"Internist, critical care, neurology?"

"Neuro and psych."

"And I'm guessing she doesn't know you are a psychiatrist?"

"Currently, I'm the treating neurologist, so my psychiatric credentials are irrelevant."

"Ohh, then you really haven't met Abby yet," she laughed again.

"Don't worry, should they become relevant, I will be upfront about them. I know better than to lie."

"You are aware of what has happened, correct?"

"Quite."

"You read her chart already?" of course, there was other ways, the media being one of them.

"Not the entirety of it, but I was also briefed of the situation before taking her on as a patient."

"Lucky you, because honestly, I'm not sure I can do it anymore,"

"You won't need to while she's here."

"Thank you," Susan was relieved when Abby had actually accepted the idea to be transferred, she really believed that she could no longer be Abby's doctor, it was to emotionally draining.

"You're welcome, I suppose."

"So, how is she? I know she doesn't like to be alone and.."

"How she is, is relative. Go talk with her if you'd like."

"Okay," Susan nodded and stepped into the room. "Hi Abby," she said softly, not wanting to scare her friend. "Looks like you've got a room with a view," she gestured towards the window.

"I guess."

"Do you want to get up, and look outside?" she offered, seeing the couch that had been positioned right by the window.

"No. I can see from here."

"Alright, how was your ride?" she tried to smile.

"Loud. Not like flight rotation."

"I'm sure it was an entirely different experience,"

"Yeah."

"Do you want anything? Hungry, maybe want some breakfast?" Susan said glancing at the wall seeing it was 7:45

"No thanks."

"You sure? I'm willing to go search for chocolate, chocolate cake, sundae, anything"

"What's with the chocolate thing?"

"Just trying to get you to eat,"

"I'll have a BLT for lunch, happy?"

"Why not?"

"Because I don't, I don't have to give you a reason,"

"You don't have to do much of anything, but that's not... That's not the point."

"Then what is?" she asked looking Susan directly in the eye. "Because I don't see one anymore," Susan "Could you two please excuse us?" Hernandez asked and both Susan and Kerry smiled before leaving. "Dr. Lockhart, are you alright?"

She nodded but didn't look up, "yeah, I'm fine,"

"That's good, I suppose."

"you suppose?"

"Fine has many potential meanings."

Abby sighed, nobody would believe her that she was fine, she was starting to even doubt it herself. "But I am,"

"I'll hold you to your word then, as there seems no other viable option."

Abby looked up at her, surprised that this new doctor was actually taking her word. "Okay," she nodded.

"Mind if I check your vitals, it'll be quick, just have to make sure you're still stable after transport and all."

"The nurses.. They.. Um, they took care of it," She liked the doctor and all, but trusting her was an entirely different issue.

"Not according to your chart."

"Oh," she looked towards the door, both Kerry and Susan were gone.

"Well?"

"Okay," she nodded reluctantly.

"Thanks," she said and took Abby's wrist to check for a pulse.

"Yeah," she said watching Hernandez.

"Heart rate's up a bit. Let's see if your BP corresponds." she said, securing the blood pressure cuff around Abby's upper arm.

She waited until the beep of the machine told her that it had given a reading. "what was it?"

"not horrible, but still a mild concern."

"what..I mean," she was scared and her voice only proved it to Hernandez

"It's probably unrelated."

"Then what's it from?" she remembered Susan telling her she had a fever and then asking her to stop the penicillin. How Susan had warned her, and once again she had refused to listen.

"Infection, perhaps."

"Do I, um, still have a fever?"

"That's the next thing I'm going to check, although, you're warm enough to the touch that it's more a matter of figuring out how high said fever is." Abby nodded, giving Hernandez permission to go ahead. "In the ear or under the tongue?" she asked, holding a paper oral thermometer in one hand, and one of the digital sort in the other.

"Ear, I guess,"

"Okay." Abby closed her eyes as Hernandez gently stuck the thermometer in her left ear, and listened for it to be done, it seemingly taking a long time to get the reading. "One hundred and three degrees."

"Not so good,"

"That would about sum it up, I think."

"Its gone up, when I was at County, it was only 102.7"

"That can happen if you leave things untreated."

"They don't even know what's causing the infection,"

"Bacteria are usually to blame."

"Or a person," she was remembering more of the attack. The initial drug, she couldn't remember who had injected her, it was either Stenton or the other attacker, and the other attacker was on the loose..

"Do you think it was one of your attackers?"

"I don't know what I think anymore, it seems implausible doesn't?"

"That's not really for me to judge."

"I don't know what it is, neither does Susan, Kerry."

"The infection, you mean?"

Abby nodded slowly, "yes,"

"And the cultures were inconclusive?"

"I. I don't know if they took anything,"

"Seems like there would have been some blood work at the very least."

"Maybe, I'm sorry, I really don't know, if anything was done, I'm sure it would be in my chart," she didn't know why, but for some reason Abby actually was starting to trust Hernandez.

"I'll check over that, then."

"Okay," Abby watched as Hernandez did just that, flip through the chart that seemed to be now more of a epic novel of some sort.

"They sent blood work, but the results were inconclusive."

"So we don't know what's going on, what's causing it?"

"Apparently not. More extensive cultures may be in order if the infection doesn't resolve soon."

"But if you don't know what it is, how can you treat it? What if it counteracts with something?" she asked, nervously playing with the blanket.

"Broad spectrum antibiotics. It's not an uncommon method of treatment, should be fine."

"Alright," she agreed.

"Good. I'll have you started on them right away, if that's okay with you. It says in your chart that you have no known allergies, is that correct?"

"None that I know of,"

"Shouldn't be any problems then."

"Could it be from the dialysis?"

"Quite possible. That possibility has been discussed a bit actually."

"Discussed? With who?"

"Some of your treating physicians at County. They felt we should be filled in of the most important medical details. Sometimes charts alone don't cut it. Not at all unlike rounds."

"Oh okay, so as long as I'm on dialysis, I run the risk of getting pretty sick each time," she said, thinking she had only thought it.

"At least at first. With time, the treatments may become less draining."

"I cant afford this," she smiled and shook her head. "I cant worry about having to contract some screwed up diseases while working in the ER, while I'm on dialysis, I would never be able to work,"

"If you were to have a transplant, you wouldn't need the dialysis. You'd be on antirejection medications, so your immune system wouldn't be fantastic per say, but you'd be ill less. Be able to work if you wanted to."

"Seems a hell of a lot better then dialysis,"

"That's the idea."

"I think Kerry said she would talk to the surgeon about possibly getting me on the list,"

"If you want it, I'm sure she would."

"I do,"

"I'll let her know then. You should make it through the committees very quickly."

"You seem awfully optimistic Dr. Hernandez, what makes you so sure,"

"For starters, you have friends in the medical community, and there won't be any doubt as to your capacity for follow-up. Second, your condition is in no way your own fault."

"Its not the fault of many in my condition, why am I more important then the others. Those that have spent years on dialysis?" she wanted to believe Hernandez so badly, but she had to keep herself in check with reality.

"It's not a matter of importance. There are several factors that weigh in. Some people wait longer than others, it's a matter of UNOS policies more than anything else."

"I've only had a few treatments and I'm already sick of it," she smiled.

"You might not be on the list long. Who knows, there's always the possibility of a living donor."

"How much longer would I have to stay here?"

"It depends. If you're well enough to return home before a donor kidney becomes available, you wouldn't have to stay here until the operation. If you were to have the transplant, it depends. The transplant usually leads to about a week of hospitalization."

"Alright, besides the transplant, how much longer am I in for?"

"That's still up in the air. Anywhere from a week to a month."

"A month?" she liked hearing the week part, but defiantly not a month.

"That's worst case scenario, if everything goes wrong. A week or two most likely."

"That sounds better, I cant stand being in the hospital any longer,"

"They're not exactly the most pleasant accommodations."

"Yeah, well, this is better then the ICU, by a long shot,"

"Yeah, I'd have to agree with that."

"So, I'm guessing your not the only doctor I'm going to be meeting today?"

"Probably not, unless you'd like to put off dealing with the rest of them."

Abby laughed at that, it wasn't like they were going to listen to her anyway. "I'm sure that would go over well,"

"The nephro might not put up with it, but the rest of them, I can deal with."

"Is the nephro someone I need to worry about?"

"She's very good at what she does, but she's a bit abrasive."

"Who is it?"

"Dr. Hassan."

Abby shook her head, never having heard of this doctor. "Okay,"

"She's done a lot of research, and published a bit, but her reputation hasn't really gotten around yet. I suspect a bit of charm would do wonders in that regard."

"Oh well, sounds like we're going to get along fantastically," Abby rolled her eyes.

"It's not so bad. You don't have to work with her on a daily basis."

"No, but I'll have to deal with her for at least a few days a week, which is a lot more then I want,"

"It won't be for that long though. She's not horrible persay, just a bit curt. Socially inept."

"Wonderful," come to think back, Abby realized, she had defiantly not been the most pleasant person to be around lately.

"Do you want to know about the other doctors you'll likely be dealing with, or just wait until you meet them?"

"I guess I'd rather be prepared before hand,"

"Alright. Your internist will be Dr. Gershwin."

"Good, bad?"

"Technically proficient, senior resident, but she'll take good care of you."

"Alright," Abby noted that so far, all of her physicians were female.

"Cardiology, you got a fellow. Dr. Holmes, very heavily into research, she doesn't have time to see many patients clinically, so unless there's a problem, you won't see much of her."

"Why do I need a cardiologist?"

"Because you recently had heart surgery?

"Oh yeah," she shook her head, the combination of drugs and exhaustion were taking its toll, how the hell could she have forgotten the surgery? "Sorry, I didn't remember,"

"That's fine. You look half asleep."

"All I do is sleep,"

"After surgery, that's pretty normal .Your body needs a lot of rest to recover."

"Of course," she nodded, she knew that. "I think I need to sleep," she yawned. Hernandez was right, she was half asleep

"By all means, do. I'll go tell the others to hold off until tomorrows rounds, okay?"

"Okay,"

"Sleep well, and I'll come in to check on you in a bit."

"Can you leave the light on?" she asked, closing her eyes.

"Sure."

"Thanks," she said one more time, and rolled over as the doctor left the room.


	17. Chocolate

Abby slowly woke up, the brightness of the sun shinning on her face was just enough to almost throw something at the person who had left the blinds open. She had been sleeping so well to. Oh well.

"Hey. Good afternoon by the way."

"Its 9:15 in the morning Susan,"

"Unless you've been working nightshifts, 9:15 warrants sarcasm hun. Compared to 4:30."

"Okay, that was fair," she laughed.

"Thank you," she smiled cheekily, glad they were speaking again.

"Is it still snowing?" she remembered when they had unloaded her off the chopper, it seemed like they were in the midst of a blizzard. She hadn't turned on the TV, so the news was out. Susan was her source of information at the moment,

"A bit."

"I haven't been outside in forever," she smiled at Susan, knowing she would get the hidden message, to get her outside.

"If there's a break in the weather, we'll see what I can do."

"You said it was only snowing a little bit,"

"I may have understated. It's about three degrees below zero at the moment, and there's about three feet of snow out there. If it stops snowing, and they shovel out the courtyard, you'll get fresh air, but I'm not sure how you're getting any fresh air if I have to carry you out there.

"Alright, then at least out the room for a while?"

"That I can do. They have a solarium here, if you're interested. The roof of it's probably covered, but you'd get some sunlight through the walls at least."

"Sounds great, how about now?"

"Your nephrologist will be here in ten minutes. How does after that sound?"

"Have you met her?"

"Not yet."

"Dr. Hernandez basically said that she's a bitch,"

"Those can't have been her exact words."

"Not exactly,"

"What were they?"

"That she's abrasive, lacks charm, basically sounds like the female Romano,"

"No, that'd be too kind a way of describing Romano. He's just an ass. That sounds more like Kerry when she was chief resident."

"Well I'm sure the two of us will get along just fine," she rolled her eyes.

"At least Doug Ross won't be here to make it worse."

"Yeah, well," she had never actually met Doug, but had heard quite a few stories. "I'm thinking about taking you up on that chocolate cake offer,"

"Sure, once we clear it with the nephro. German chocolate or Belgium?"

"Don't care as long as its chocolate," she was glad that she was actually able to trust and talk to Susan again, and then a knock came at the door.

Dr. Hassan didn't bother to wait for an answer before she entered. "Dr. Lockhart?"

" Just call me Abby"

"I'm Dr. Marlene Hassan, I'll be your nephrologist. And who is this?" she asked, gesturing toward Susan.

"Dr. Lewis," Abby introduced her, already starting not to like this person.

"Alright. Dr. Lewis, unless I'm mistaken, you don't work here, so could you please step out for a few minutes?"

"I would like her in here please," Abby spoke up.

Her apprehension was quite clear, but after a moment, she replied in the affirmative, "I suppose it would be acceptable."

"Thank you," Abby replied, knowing that if she wouldn't have let Susan stay, she wouldn't have let Hassan treat her.

She just shrugged and tucked a stray bit of hair behind her left ear, then picked up the chart and glanced over the last few pages. "I'll need to run some blood tests. Have you considered a transplant?"

"Yes, I think I want to go ahead and look into one" she said, noting Susan's shock.

"In that case, I'll need several more tests. Tissue typing and such."

"Okay," Abby agreed without a fight, further surprising Susan. She didn't want to be poked and prodded anymore, but it was this, or dialysis for a long time.

"Are you familiar with UNOS protocol?"

"Somewhat,"

"Do you want any clarification on it?" Abby nodded, she knew some of it, but couldn't remember everything. "I'll go over it with you, and I can give you some literature on it as well, if you're up to reading over it."

"Sure, it will give me something to do,"

"I'll bring it with me later when I do the blood draw," she didn't usually do her own draws, but if she was going to be there anyhow, she might as well.

"Okay," she hated the thought of blood being drawn, but was not exactly up to fighting with her right now.

"Any questions?"

"Any guesses as to how long it might take before I can actually get the transplant? I realize nothing is certain, but just.."

"It depends on the results of tissue typing, and even more, luck, but unless there's a living donor it could be quite some time." She nodded, she had gotten her hopes up, and now she was facing reality again. And luck was defiantly not on her side. "I'll have to check the hospital's listing, of course, but both Mercy and County allow multiple listing, and you would qualify at both, most likely, so that's in your favor. It's possible you could be listed at a few other local hospitals as well, but no one can pull strings for you."

"I understand that,"

"Good. If you don't have any more questions, I'll be back in an hour."

"Okay," she nodded again, and the doctor turned and left.

"Well?"

"Lets go get my chocolate," Abby said, ignoring the question.

"Cafeteria okay?"

"Does it have chocolate?"

"Probably some sort of pudding."

"No, I need something that is actually solid, something I have to chew,"

"Okay, so we'll see. Maybe a brownie. If not, I'll make Chuck bring us something."

"Good, think Hassen will throw a fit?"

"Maybe. But do we really care?"

"You might not, but I'm going to be dealing with her a good three to four times a week for God knows how long,"

"It won't be the end of the world. At worst, she doesn't have to know."

"Alright, if it comes back on me, its your ass,"

"Deal."

"Good, lets get out of this room,"

"You okay walking?"

She thought about it, "don't know, probably though,"

"Okay, we'll give it a try."

"do we have to take all the drugs and tubes along?" Abby nodded towards the IV pole.

"I think so."

"I'm sure we could do without something." she tried but after seeing Susan's glare decided not to argue her point. "Fine lets, go"

"Want me to drag the IV pole, or think you can get it?

"I can get it,"

"Okay. We're off to see the lunch lady"

"They'd better have something decent down there, I'm starving," she said as they walked towards the elevator.

"It's a hospital cafeteria, don't get your hopes too high the only ones with decent food are the small private hospitals."

"Okay, how about we sneak out of here for a while, run to Starbucks.." she smiled at Susan, knowing there was no way in hell it would happen, but still wanting to try.

"I think we'd both get grilled for that. Thelma and Louise next week. Later a somewhat, mild rebellion, but otherwise, you're a model patient, okay? Like the good kid that goes out and smokes and dies their hair interesting colors."

"You and I both know I'm not getting out of here in a week, nice try though,"

"Okay, like I said, Thelma and Louise in a week. That doesn't mean a discharge. Just means scaring the crap out of everyone."

"Ah huh, I think I've gotten pretty good at that, don't you?"

"In a less medically worry some way."

"Oh see you're no fun, I was thinking about just dropping into a coma at any moment, just wanting to see everyone's reactions," Abby smiled as they walked into the cafeteria.

"You wouldn't. We don't need any heart attacks thank you."

"Is that a dare?"

"Do you honestly want to see me on a gurney?"

"Oh never mind, where the hell is the chocolate?" they had gone though the line, no chocolate.

"Um... They have chocolate milk... And I think that's it... Wait... Vending machine, "Susan said, spying a candy machine, "Snickers bar okay?"

"Yes, oh thank God, you get the snickers, I'll grab the milk,"

"Deal. Here," Susan said, giving Abby a couple of dollars for the cartons, then heading over to the machine, desperately praying she had quarters. And she did, three of them, just as much as the snickers bar cost.

"Abby, back to the room before you're noticed AWOL, or eat here?"

"Here, please, they can deal,"

"Okay."

"Can I have my candy now?" she didn't care if her meal was nutritious, she wanted chocolate, Susan had it. Besides, she hadn't eaten in two days, more then likely her stomach would revolt, but at that moment it didn't matter.

"Here, just don't choke, and at least try to keep it down."

"Why wouldn't I?"

"A minute ago, you threatened to drop into a coma just to see how we'd react."

"I was hungry," she looked down, the candy bar was gone. "Apparently, okay I need something else, this isn't going to cut it,"

"Something with nutritional value perhaps?"

"I had milk, I think that counts for my nutritional value,"

"Girl cannot live on chocolate alone. It was chocolate milk, and therefore it doesn't count."

"Well I say it does, besides it's a hospital cafeteria what could they have that has any nutritional content"

"A sandwich."

"Sorry, its just not hitting the spot," she thought about what she wanted, "okay I know its weird, but I want a cheese enchilada,"

"You'll make yourself sick Abby. It's dense, and it's spicy. You sure you're up to it?"

"If I barf I barf, at least I got my enchilada," a snickers bar, chocolate milk and a cheese enchilada, yep, sure to make her stomach revolt.

"Alright. Your stomach anyhow."

"Wont agree, yeah I know,"

"Ah well, I guess that constitutes informed... Self... Induced vomiting?"

"Alright smart ass, you win," she had suddenly lost her appetite, maybe chocolate wasn't such a great idea.

"Thank you. How about soup?"

"Um no, think I've lost my appetite,"

"Back to the room?"

"Do we have to?" she asked, forgetting that Hessen would be there to draw labs anytime.

"Unless you really want to piss off the nephro, yeah."

"Totally forgot about her," she looked at the clock on the wall, "well we're already five minutes late,"

"So let's not make it ten"

"Fine," Abby rolled her eyes and stood up, not really wanting to go back.

"I know, I know, we can sneak out later."

"Oh maybe we can make it all the way to the lobby," she said sarcastically. "or watch out, maybe the gift shop,"

"Let's try for your room."

"Yeah yeah," Two minutes later they had successfully made it back. "I think we're safe," Abby said seeing no sign of the nepho.

"Unless she came and went. Or maybe she's laying in wait."

"Wonderful, I just love waiting for doctors, I swear when I get back.."

"Don't bother swearing to be prompt. We all do at some point, and it never works."

"Well by the time I get back, I'll actually want to see patients," she said as Hessen entered the room.

"Ah."

"And none of this, take it easy crap once I'm back," Abby said not even acknowledging the doctor.

"Alright. I guess. Doubt you'd listen anyhow."

"Thank you," she turned to the nephro. "hi,"

"Hello." Abby stared at her, she looked pissed, wonderful. She had only been at Mercy for hardly a day and already had a doctor who hated her. "I have the UNOS information for you," she said, abruptly and held out a large binder.

"Thank you," Abby said and reached out to take it.

"Do you want me to go over it with you, or do you have it under control?"

"I'm sure your busy,"

"I can make time if you need me to."

"What is there to know but that its going to take a while, that I'll be on dialysis at least for a few months?"

"It could be less than that, or it could be a lot longer."

" The latter is probably more true,"

"Probably yes." Abby nodded sadly, she had completely forgotten about the dialysis, the transplant and Stenton when she was downstairs, but the doctor had brought her back to reality. "In the mean time, you're going to have to learn to cope with the dialysis, and really watch what you eat." She suppressed a smile, remembering her last meal, but learning to cope with dialysis was something entirely different. "It will get easier with time, but it's never going to be pleasant."

She wanted to scream at Stenton right then for what he did, what he was causing, he should be the one being a slave to dialysis, not her. "How often am I going to need dialysis?"

"We'll try every third day for now, see how that works. You'll need frequent blood work so we can see how your condition is being managed. It could end up being more or less often further down the road."

"What about going back to work, in the ER?" she wasn't to hopeful, the risk of infection was huge.

"It's possible, but you will have to be exceedingly cautious."

She nodded again, and rubbed her head, "but you're not to keen on that,"

"I'd like to see how you're handling the dialysis first."

"I've been on it for two months now,"

"But you were unconscious for a large portion of that, and have been hospitalized for the entirety of it. I meant on an outpatient basis."

"Is there any difference between dialysis in the hospital and on an outpatient basis? Especially, if I probably wont be doing anything for while,"

"The procedure is the same, but in a more normal environment, you'll have to worry about your meds, diet and such on your own, it would be preferable to see how that's going before you start work again."

"I can handle the meds," she could even dose herself, it was the diet she wasn't so sure about. Being an ER doc didn't exactly allow for a healthy diet.

"That's not all of it."

"What else?"

"Residency involves a lot of coffee, a fair amount of junk food, and very little sleep. That's not the best way to go about things."

"Well I'm not going to just leave my residency, not now,"

"I wasn't suggesting that you do, only that you play it safe for a spell."

"So when I get out of here? All I do is sit at home, because I'm at risk for infection? I have to work, I have to earn money.." that and she was going crazy doing nothing all day long.

"I'm not saying that you can't work, but that you should be careful about it. Avoid certain patients, start with half shifts, and only once you're up to it."

"I'm up to it now, but apparently," she looked at Susan, "others don't believe so."

"Why not wait until your incisions have finished healing at the very least?"

Abby sighed, they had won that round. "So every three days for an infinite amount of time, lots of blood work, and at this hospital more then the hospital that I'm a resident, do I have that about right?"

"You could go back to County if you'd like. The reason for your transfer was never actually made particularly clear."

"And it needs to stay that way," Susan chimed in.

"I quite understood that," she said, not trying particularly hard to hide her irritation in the fact that they'd reminded her of something she already knew.

"Its fine Susan," Abby interrupted seeing Susan turning bright red. "When is my next appointment?"

"Your chart states that you last received treatment yesterday, so if that's correct, unless there are complications, tomorrow."

"Oh thank God," she smiled, "free for today,"

"Yes."

"You owe me a Starbucks," she looked at Susan, fuck the diet right then, she really didn't care.

"I'd suggest you hold off on that for a bit, but I doubt you'd listen," Dr. Hassan said as she prepped for the blood draw.

"Oh thanks for the boast of confidence," she said, but was getting anxious as Hassan took out the needle.

"Your veins are pronounced enough that a tourniquet shouldn't be necessary."

"Yeah well, the idea of a needle in those veins is not exactly pleasant,"

"No one fancies them, but it's usually slightly less unpleasant without a rubber band cutting off circulation," she tried to joke. Either they didn't get it, or her deadpan face kept them from reacting. Abby nodded, and closed her eyes, mentally telling herself that everything was fine, that she was just being paranoid.

"Just a bit of a sting, but I'm guessing you've had enough of these to know that," she said as she sanitized a spot on Abby's arm and easily slipped in the needle. Five vials of blood later, it was done.

"I will never get used to that," she shuddered and pressed down on the cotton ball. Hassan just shrugged. Her bedside manner was normally at least a little better, but she was in no mood to put on a patient and cheery facade.

"Sorry," Susan started, "are we keeping you from something?"

"No."

"Are you sure, because you sure as hell seem like it,"

Pardon me for not being a bundle of sunshine in the middle of a messy divorce, she almost screeched, instead she just bit her tongue as she scribbled something into Abby's chart.

"Thank you Dr. Hessan," Abby finally broke the silence, needing this doctor on her side.

"You had questions about UNOS protocol?"

"Does my kidney have absolutely no function right now? Or just a little bit.."

"None that we can detect."

She nodded, "is it from whatever he injected me with?" she knew why her right kidney had been taken out.

"That seems the most plausible explanation. Pretty much the only one actually."

"And Dr. Hernandez thinks it might still be in my system, so it could be doing damage to other organs as well,"

"It's possible, or it could have left your system, but the damage could be occult and exacerbated by other things, so either way, you need to proceed with caution."

"Wonderful, multi system organ failure within a month," she said extremely pessimistic, she had reason to be.

"That's not particularly likely."

"Your obviously not aware of my luck then,"

"Luck has nothing to do with it."

"Alright then." she paused. "so when do you think I can get out of here," Hernandez had said from a week to a month, if the nephro said a few days, hell Abby would be ecstatic.

"That depends on a lot of factors really. It's still pretty much up in the air."

"Any guesses? Anything to look forward to?"

"Maybe two weeks."

"two weeks is a long time," she said settling back into her pillows.

"Not really. There've been patients in for a year or more."

"Fine," she looked out the window, it had stopped snowing, and turned to Susan, "we're going outside, no more artificial light,"

"If you must, then go ahead, though I wouldn't recommend it."

"What in case I catch something?" she asked rolling her eyes, damn fever had come down but not gone away completely, but she figured a second of fresh air was worth risking.

"It's hovering at about zero at the moment. At the least, wear a coat."

"Deal. Coat and hot coffee,"

"Fine. But watch the coffee from now on."

"Ohh this is going to suck," coffee was how she survived at the ER.

"That is something you will have to adjust to with time."

"What else is 'off limits'?" she asked Hessan. Might as well get all the info on one day.

"Alcohol, anything chemical loaded, mostly common sense."

"Sounds like a fantastic diet," Susan had been constantly nagging her how much weight she had lost and that she needed to eat something fatty, well now Hessan was basically telling her the exact opposite.

"It's not a diet, I'm just saying cut back on the preservatives and all."

Abby nodded, well wanted to scream at the moment, but decided not to. The last thing she needed was Hessan to think she was crazy.

"Anything else we need to go over?"

"What about a port, or am I just going to be stuck every time?" Abby asked as Susan looked on, glad that Abby was finally accepting at least some of what had happened to her.

"Of course you'll have a port, we try to avoid any unnecessary sticks."

"When and where will it be?" not like she was looking forward to it, but might as well get it over with.

"Meaning where physically on your body, or at which hospital?"

"I'm not going back to County, at least not yet, where on my body?" she knew there was a few different choices, but was not particularly fond on picking one for herself.

"Hypothetically, anywhere there's a major vein, but the standard options are right arm or left arm."

"I'll leave it up to you then, how about when?" she looked down at her arms and hands and was beginning to wonder how they kept finding veins to stick her with, she looked like she was an IV drug user.

"Either tomorrow or this evening. I'll have to find a surgeon. We won't be able to use the port right away though, it has to heal up a bit."

"Does Dubenko have privileges here?" she asked Susan. He was an ass, but he had apparently saved her life twice, she trusted him to make it a third time,

"No, but we do have a Dr. Corday who used to work at County. Maybe you know her?"

Abby stared at her, "Elizabeth is here?" oh God, if she was, that would be perfect. "Do you think she would..?"

"I don't see why she wouldn't."

"Okay, lets do that then,"

"I'll ask her to come up here and speak with you as soon as possible."

"Thank you," she said after a minute. The only thing she was hesitate about was another person knowing what had happened to her, Elizabeth would have to read the chart, she would know everything.

"You're welcome."

Abby waited until she was sure the doctor was gone, before turning to Susan. "I'm going to be here forever. So lets see, no coffee, or caffeine for that matter, watch the protein intake as well as the salt," she said recalling the brief lesson about dialysis and diet while in med school. "Oh and hardly get to do anything besides scutt work,"

"That's only temporary."

"Temporary in this sense, is a long time,"

"Or it could be a short one."

"Susan, why are you so optimistic?" Abby shook her head.

"Because, I needed a change of pace."

"Okay, we're both doctors, I think we can both see this from a medical standpoint, its going to be a very long time, years probably,"

"or you could luck out."

"Oh come on Susan, me and luck never have exactly gone together?" she said as a knock came at the door and Luka, Pratt and Kerry walked in.

"Abby, long time no see. How's it going?" Pratt instantly regretted that choice of words, "I mean... You know, um, aside from the obvious."

"Hi Pratt," she said, she hadn't seen him in a while and was happy to see a familiar face.

"I know you're probably sick to death of cheesy get well gifts, but too bad," he said, tossing a beanie baby at her.

"Its cute, thanks Pratt, I'll add it to the stuffed dog you gave me, I think it was you, well I was told it was from you,"

"Yeah, it was from me. It was that or a teddy bear, and the thing was neon orange, so the dog just seemed... More you."

"Well thank you, it means a lot," he was happy to see her smiling again, the last time he had seen Abby, she had nearly taken his head off. "Its a lot better then chocolate," Abby explained remembering her new diet. Yuck.

He smiled, "Been informed of your new dietary regimen, I take it."

"Unfortunately, and everything else, but maybe I could convince you to get me the Starbucks," she looked to Susan and back, Susan who had refused to get the coffee.

"Sorry Abby. I won't play mule. yet."

"You suck Pratt, you know that right? Wont even get a girl coffee," she teased him, not wanting to go to far, after all the man had saved her life.

"Coffee I won't do. Flowers and plushies though, well, not much I can do on a resident's pay, but..."

"Aw Dr. Greg Pratt sending me flowers?" she laughed.

"Yeah, maybe."

"Are you sure your Greg Pratt? Because I could have sworn we fought all the time before.." she stopped suddenly.

"There's different ways of fighting. Fighting like what I do with you, and fighting like what I do with Morris."

"I didn't know you cared!" she laughed having fun toying with Pratt.

"Yeah, yeah. I've heard it all before kid."

"I just cant imagine you in a gift shop, buying a beanie baby," she hardly got the words out she was laughing so hard, Susan joined in, seeing Abby laugh so hard was making her do the same thing.

"Yeah, the clerk kinda gave me a weird look, but hey, I don't have a reputation to worry about over here."

"No, just half the ER docs at County are in this room," she saw Elizabeth talking with Hessan right outside the door "and a surgeon," Abby added.

"Yeah, but she doesn't count, she left," he joked just loudly enough for Abby to hear.

"I swear Pratt when I get back.."

"You'll what? Tell Morris on me?"

"Oh dear God, please tell me he wasn't in the trauma room that night," the idea sent shivers down her spine.

"He wasn't treating you. He did scutt."

"Hi Elizabeth," Abby smiled once the surgeon finally walked in, after talking with Hessan in the hallway for a good ten minutes.

"Abby, it's been a while."

"It really has, how are you?" she asked, hoping Elizabeth wouldn't ask the same question to her, she never knew how to answer that one now.

"I'm doing alright for myself. Tried going back to England again, but I'm too American for it. Ella's loving school, and I'm enjoying myself, so pretty well actually."

"Glad to hear it,"

"Thanks. So you needed to have a port placed for dialysis?"

She nodded slowly, "yeah,"

"Which is your dominant hand?"

"My right,"

"So we should probably place it in the left, it's not bulky or anything really, but some people find it irritating in their strong side."

"Okay." the idea of lines actually inside her arm, was enough to make her want to be sick. "when can we do it?"

"I've got a bit of time later this evening."

"How long will it take?"

"Not long at all. Well under half an hour. You won't even need general anesthesia."

"Oh I think I might," she shook her head and laughed nervously, she wasn't quite sure she could handle looking at her left arm, lines attached to veins. Sure in patients she could, she could probably even put them in, but in her own body was a different story.

"A local should more than take care of it."

"Okay then," she agreed.

"Right then, so unless something runs late, it'll be around six o'clock."

"I cant use it tomorrow though, correct?"

"It'll take a few days, even up to a week possibly."

"Ah I'm sick of waiting, everyone tells me to wait, be patient, and I know I sound like a five year old, but frankly, I don't care," she wasn't mad, just stating her opinion to her friends. At least she was finally communicating, something. She took a deep breath, "sorry."

"Nothing to apologize for. Hospital stays can be more than a bit trying."

"I think going past two months in the hospital, qualifies more than a bit trying,"

"Too true."

"Yeah, well the sooner the better is all I have to say.."

"No doubt about that. We'll see how quickly we can get you out of here, okay?"

"Thank you Elizabeth, I cant stand it anymore, the white walls are making me sick," she joked.

"We could transfer you to pediatrics, they've got yellow, red, and blue walls."

"Alright, never mind, I get it, white will do fine,"

"What, you can joke and I can't?"

"Sorry, the sterility of this place is nauseating, I miss County,"

"Mercy grows on you. Somehow people never find their own hospital as oppressively clean."

"Okay, I really don't think my body can stand the artificial light any longer, someone get me outside. There is five of you here, one of you is bound to agree with me,"

"Are we allowed to pile jackets on you first?"

"I don't care if you build a freaking campfire at this point,"

"Alright, calm down Abby, I'm sure I can convince these broads to let you outside for a few minutes," Luka's accent made his choice of words mildly humorous.

"Oh thank you Luka, I owe you one,"

"You don't own me anything, just get your butt back in the ER, eh?"

"I've been trying now for about two weeks," she said sarcastically. "then again, I find it funny that you are having to put up with Morris and not me,"

"At least you're spontaneous. We can predict him far to easily."

"Don't let him here alright, I really can not deal with him right now!"

"Don't worry, we won't."

"Does he even know where I am?" if Morris knew, everyone knew, and that's what scared her.

"He's sworn to secrecy."

"That.. He wont, if he knows.." Pratt had so far been the only one not to know of the second attacker and was baffled about what was going on now.

"If he plans on having any sort of a career in medicine, Dr. Morris won't say a word," Kerry said plainly.

"He's an idiot, he doesn't think before he talks, that's what's scaring me,"

"Abby, he's been dealt with. If you're that worried, we can transfer you again, but Morris isn't likely to talk."

"No, no, I'm fine. Let's get out of here k?" she said throwing off the blankets.

"We've been over that one Abby," Susan warned, "at least wait until you can take dialysis through the port. You know, as in after it's been inserted."

"I meant outside smart ass,"

"Right, that. We're waiting on robes, and blankets."

"No robes, I've got scrubs, and I agreed to blankets, I don't want anything that looks that hideous,"

"Abby, it's that or they'll have a trauma room prepped for active rewarming measures, wear the damned robe."

"No, I don't want to," as she said it, Pratt laughed and shook his head, glad to hear Abby arguing again.

"So you'd rather go with the lavage? And saline, warming blankets. Than wear an ugly robe?"

"Five minutes isn't going to kill me Susan,"

"Fine, just this once."

"Thank you," she said and pushed herself up out of the bed.

"Either you're welcome or you're a masochist, going out in that in scrubs and a blanket, but okay."

"Hey, I haven't been outside in a very long time, excuse me for wanting to. And its not a blanket, its three blankets!"

"Yes, but they're measly, thin hospital blankets."

"Well how about having someone bring up a heating blanket when I'm back! Apparently you think I'm going to freeze to death,"

"It's called a protective streak. Don't worry, there'll be a heating blanket or two ready."

"Yeah, I knew you wouldn't have agreed so easily unless you were up to something. I also say we get hot chocolate on the way out,"

"Hot chocolate? Okay. It'll... Well... It's got no redemptive value, but it's warm."

"Nice try Abby," Luka stepped in, "no caffeine,"

"Actually, I've heard there's a decaf variation. Supposed to taste like crap though."

"Well decaf or no hot chocolate,"

"Well Dr. Kovac, how about I start this fantastic diet tomorrow huh?" Abby said.

"Do you have to fight the system?"

"Yes, I do, you should know that by now,"

"I should, but I'll conveniently forget again too."

"So if I do have this caffeine, I'm guessing I'm going to be hearing about it from all of you for a fair amount of time? Then add that to the fact that you hate the idea I want to go outside, I'm never going to get any of you to stop worrying about me, correct?"

"Not exactly, but pretty close."

"So when will you stop? Because I'm fine by myself you know,"

"We'll stop when um... When you're back working in the ER. And you've gotten back into the swing of things, and the transplant's gone well, and you've got a massively successful career as an attending."

"Oh so we're looking at a good few years then?" she smiled at the, letting everyone know she really was joking.

"Might be. We'll see." Susan joked back, but knew that when Abby did get back to the ER, the staff would become even more protective over her, then they had been before. And Susan didn't mind the idea.


	18. Just an Act

"We'll stop when um... When you're back working in the ER. And you've gotten back into the swing of things, and the transplant's gone well, and you've got a massively successful career as an attending."

"Oh so we're looking at a good few years then?" she smiled at the, letting everyone know she really was joking.

"Might be. We'll see." Susan said.

"Well I seriously doubt you'll even let me do anything in the ER for a long time," Abby replied, knowing it was probably true.

"Sutures. IV's. Paperwork."

"So, I'm a nurse again?"

"Nurses can't suture. Oh, and you'll be an honorary thorn in Morris's side." Susan smiled.

"Your kidding me right?"

"About what? Being a pain in Morris's side? We figured it wasn't worth the effort to try to stop you."

"You know what I meant," she said as the nurse walked in thermometer in hand.

"No I don't.

"I'm not going to do just scutt work," Abby sat there as the nurse took her temperature, knowing if she still had a fever, they would never let her go outside. Damn it, should have left earlier.

"We'll let you do other things too. Maybe you could take a few of the calmer electives?"

"I am perfectly capable of handling traumas!"

"We'll see."

"Yeah, that's a resounding 'no;' if I've ever heard one,"

"It's not a 'no', I'm just being cautious."

"What could happen Susan? I can handle it, I've always been able to, nothing is different,"

"101.4" the nurse interrupted and quickly excused herself, not wanting to be caught up in the argument.

"I can Susan, you just have to forget what happened and let me go on," Abby added ignoring the nurse.

"Which is lower at least." Susan ignored what Abby was saying, and referenced Abby's fever that the nurse had just reported.

"You are not keeping me inside for 101.4"

"Oh we're not? Abby come on, you can not risk anything right now,"

"You're taking me out there."

"Abby, listen to me okay, just hear me out. Its cold, your sick with a fever that is just now starting to come down after two days. We can get out of the room.."

"Out of the room and out of the building."

"Alright and when you get sicker?"

"I won't."

"Right." Susan shook her head no point in arguing, and grabbed a wheelchair that had been parked outside of the room.

"Thank you." she smiled, or maybe smirked. Susan had been trained.

"Five minutes max, and not in the snow, under the hanging, or no deal,"

"Fine, spoilsport."

"Yeah, that's what I thought. Sit down," Susan pointed to the wheelchair as she grabbed a multitude of blankets.

Abby eased herself into it and waited as Susan arranged the wool blankets around her so that only her eyes and nose were visible, a very muffled voice emanated from the lump, "Is this maybe a little bit of overkill?"

"Nope," Pratt said and briefly disappeared coming back with one more blanket, "now it might be,"

"This is cruel and unusual."

"And what you're doing to us isn't? Pratt grab the IV," Susan ordered.

"At least I'm not mummy-wrapping you."

"Hey, it can be undone provided you decide not to go outside,"

"Not a chance in hell. Though I'd like to be able to move my arms. My neck itches and I can't get to it."

Susan laughed, "Did you ever see the movie A Christmas Story?"

"No, why?"

"Never mind, you just reminded me of.. Oh we'll have to rent it and watch it when your home bound,"

"Just tell me before I throw a clot."

"The mom wraps her youngest son up in almost as much gear as you are in, and the main character describes him as a tick about to pop. And I'll stop there,"

"What? You don't want me to pop and bleed on you?"

"I recall a familiar scenario in a trauma room a few months back,"

"Don't start."

"Already did, alright we're outside, clocks ticking missy,"

"Air, I just wish I could actually feel it against my face."

"No, we had a deal." Susan said as she locked the brakes on the wheelchair. Abby didn't say anything, just sort of glared at Susan. "Yeah, didn't think so," she said leaning over and checking the IV bag, discovering it was empty. She could use it as an excuse to get Abby up to her room later, if it came down to having to use an excuse.

"That's all you have to say?"

"Yep, hell I'm not going to cut in on your waltzing here," in other words, she wasn't going to insult Abby right now, not when she seemed to be the best she had been in two months.

"Now, if I weren't wrapped too tightly to move, I might actually try to waltz. Dance through the snow like an overgrown five year old... Although at my height, not all that overgrown."

"I would like to see that actually. When you get back to the ER, you'll have to dance for us all, not just dance, but waltz."

"I'm a doctor, not a performer, thank you very much."

"A doctor who insist in sitting outside in the sub zero temperatures with nearly 102. Fever at that,"

"Nearly 102? You're kidding me, it was 101.4, and therefore closer to 101."

"Yeah, only because of Tylenol given forty five minutes before, it was 103. This morning, Dr. Lockhart, remember that part,"

"Yeah, but it's closer to 101, and affected by Tylenol, therefore manageable."

"You are as stubborn as they come. And its been seven minutes, so you owe me," Susan stood up and began pushing the chair back into the hospital.

"What exactly do I owe you?"

"Hm, how about oh I don't know, following medical advice, lets say for example, a diet. But then again, you need to put on weight so.."

"So eat all the shit I want? I can do that. If I can keep it down, I can definitely do that."

"Your nephrologist is going to kill me, well after she gets done with you,"

"I'm sure."

"Abby, I'm not so sure eating anything that you want is necessarily going to agree with you now."

"I was joking, or couldn't you hear me, what with the sound having to filter through all this?"

"Well we're inside, so shed the blankets if you must,"

"Like I said, you pretty much bound me. You're going to have to do the first three."

"Well, anywhere else you'd like to go before returning to your room?" she asked taking off the first layer of blankets.

"Junk food machine? Sour cream and onion Ruffles. Or Sunchips. Harvest cheddar Sunchips would be good."

"How about soup? I'm even willing to get you a pizza," she rolled her eyes, "or the cheese enchilada"

"A cheese enchilada, a double espresso, and get these damned blankets off me!"

"One or the other,"

"A cheese enchilada, a double espresso, and I'll survive the blankets then."

"Well technically since you have a fever, lets ditch the blankets, and honestly do you really want an enchiridia?"

"I'd prefer a double bacon bleu cheese burger, but I'm guessing the answer is no to that one."

"Oh I'll get it for you, just promise me you're not going to give back after you've eaten it,"

"I'll do my best captain."

"Yeah, yeah I've heard that before. Want anything else while I'm out?" Susan asked as she guided the wheelchair back into Abby's room.

"Um... A fifth of bourbon," after Susan had panicked adequately, she amended, "Kidding, kidding. How about pickled jalapenos?"

"More food? I was thinking along the lines of a movie, book, anything? I mean I will defiantly get your jalapenos but…" Susan shook her head, the food Abby was asking for not exactly something Susan would ever crave.

"Book? Er... Something fluffy."

"Okay Abby, I'm thinking your fever has gone a tad bit higher, since when do you read anything 'fluffy?"

"Since I don't feel like reading anything that'll give me nightmares."

"Like you don't have any right now?" Susan immediately regretted her choice of words. "I'm sorry Abby."

"Something that won't give me more, then."

"You want to talk about it?" She asked softly, Abby had yet to describe to anyone what had happened that night, beyond that there had been two attackers. And earlier in the day, she had told Susan to forget it all, only concerning Susan more.

"Maybe later."

"Abby, when is later?"

"I'm not sure."

"Don't you think its past later?" she said hoping to get Abby to talk at least a little about that night.

"Right now, I don't want to discuss it.

"Then when Abby? You really need to, I think it might help.."

"Well, right now, I'm in a pleasant mood and don't want to do anything to ruin it. I'll talk when I want to talk, damn it.

"Abby please, you're ignoring what happened, you can't and I wish it didn't happen, but please at least talk to someone, it doesn't have to be me, but someone, and not later," she reached over a and grabbed Abby's hand. "It doesn't even have to every thing, just to start, to talk to someone, it might help lessen the nightmares,"

"I'm not denying what happened, but I don't want to talk about it right now."

"Then what happened Abby?" she didn't need to hear the details, just needed to hear Abby actually admit what had had happened.

"I said I don't want to talk about it now, and I mean it. Damn it Susan, can't you even respect just that?"

"At least admit to it Abby, at least say what happened, that's all,"

"Fine, screw being able to keep anything down, I was raped. You happy? Is that what you need to hear? Screw the enchilada, now I just want to go sleep.

"Yes, that's exactly what I needed to hear and so did you," Susan said reaching over and bringing Abby into an embrace. Abby tried to shrug out of it, but Susan's arms weren't cooperating, so she gave in. "I know you're pissed at me Abby, and I'm sorry,"

"You're sorry. And you'll do it again. I suppose I should be thanking you for it, but I'm apparently legendary for my stubbornness"

"Just a tiny bit,"

"Really? I haven't been keeping up my reputation then. Ill have to work on that."

"Believe me Abby, you're more stubborn then ever before,"

"You're just saying that."

"Outside with a fever, refuses to follow a diet, snuck out of the hospital, tried to leave AMA. Should I keep going?" Susan paused. "No Abby, you're still the same," she reassured.

"Ech well, have to keep you on your toes."

"Yeah well your doing a damn good job of it. Alright," she stood up. "you said you wanted to sleep, so I'll let you do that,"

"Mkay."

"Do you want me to bring you back anything else?"

"No. I lost my appetite."

"Are you sure? I'll go search for those jalapeños if you want them."

"No. Not now. Thanks."

"A movie?"

"No, Susan. No thank you."

"You okay?" Susan asked, knowing that Abby was getting agitated, right after the subject had been brought up.

"Just peachy."

"Abby.." Susan said sadly and shook her head. "You are allowed not to be fine, okay?"

"I didn't say fine. I said peachy."

"And what exactly is peachy?"

"Peachy is sarcastic."

"Your also allowed to cry, show emotion, I wont tell I promise," Susan said, sitting back down.

"I will. But not right now. Right now, I want to go to sleep."

"Okay, want me to stay with you for a while?"

"Not necessary."

"Okay, I'll see you later then," she smiled and headed out. Running straight into Kerry, Luka, and Pratt.

"Susan?"

"She admitted to it, actually spoke the words. At least its something. I still think she's pretty depressed though,"

"Pretty depressed isn't exactly unexpected."

"I know, I know. I just want her to start talking more about it, instead of just pushing it away,"

"She's acknowledging it, just slowly."

Susan nodded, "Have they found anyone yet? I know everyone in the ER was being tested to see if they matched?"

"Results aren't back yet," Kerry replied.

"And Morris wasn't tested," somehow, Pratt felt a need for the addendum.

"I know I didn't match," Susan added.

"Different blood types?"

"Yeah," she paused. "I had to get tested, just hoping that maybe I could have helped"

"There's been some work in live donor transplants with mismatched blood types, but the results aren't particularly promising."

"I think she is more depressed about the dialysis then anything else,"

"Well, when the results are back, she'll know if she can get off it a bit sooner."

"Do we know when the results will be back?"

"Any time now. You know how labs operate."

"Most of the ER was tested, I think some in OB also volunteered,"

"I know, Susan.

"So it was a total of nearly a hundred people, her odds aren't that bad, even with her blood type." Susan spoke. "Maybe her luck will start to change." and then another pause. "Do you think she'll testify at the trial?"

"That's up to her. It would make the prosecution's job a bit easier, but even without her, I think they can make a case."

"But do you think she'll want to?"

"Probably not."

"What about her second attacker? Do the police even know or…"

"Did you tell them?" Susan shook her head slowly. "Then they don't."

"They should know,"

"Do you want to tell them?"

"I don't know anything else beyond that there was a second attacker, they would want to talk to Abby about it, and then she would know that I told,"

"So what do you suggest then?"

"What if he comes back, finds her?"

"That's not a suggestion."

"I know, but." She paused. "we all know it's a possibility"

"The most we can do is try to watch out for her. We can't help her any more than she will let herself be helped."

"And if they haven't caught him by the time she returns to the ER?"

"Then there'll be more security, everyone will have to be careful, but I don't see much else that can be done in that regard."

Susan nodded, knowing Kerry was right, as usual. "I um, I heard you sectary quit," she tried not to laugh, but it was mildly funny, another one gone.

"I think I'm going to try going without one."

"Any idea why he quit?"

"I may have scared him off over a couple of documents he spilled coffee on."

"Oh good Kerry! He lasted the longest I think, probably set some sort of record!"

"Four months is not a record. Or at least shouldn't be."

"When did he quit?" Pratt asked, remembering seeing him in the ER days before.

"I haven't been it my office in a while. He left a note, no date on it."

"I saw him in the ER the other day,"

"That's odd. I told security to delete his code."

"He was talking on his phone as he walked through the halls," Pratt added.

"If you see him again, and he's not a patient, have security escort him from the premises." Susan, Luka and Pratt all looked over to Kerry, trying to catch onto her train of thought. "He doesn't work here, he has no business lurking around. Besides, with what's happened, a bit of caution isn't out of place."

"Do you think if we brought his name up to Abby, she could…"

"I doubt it, but try if you'd like."

Susan shrugged, wonderful, why did it have to be her? "What do I say?"

"That's up to you."

"Of course," she turned around to head back into the room, but stopped. "Wait, she's asleep, we need to have a plan before just going in there," she wanted coffee needed coffee, coffee and food, oh and not to worry about Abby.

"There's not much to plan, really. No way to anticipate her reactions."

"I mean what to say, how to put it gently," and then an idea hit her, "where is Hernandez?"

"Home, probably. I think this is her day off."

"Ugh. Okay, anyone have any ideas of how to bring this up? Or should we even?"

"Maybe not yet."

"Alright. Pratt, he didn't ask about her or anything?"

"No. Didn't say much of anything."

"Did he speak with Morris at all?"

"I would hope not."

"But does the entire staff know where Abby is?"

"I don't think much of anyone knows."

"Well they know something had to have happened to her, and they know she didn't just go home," Susan didn't mean to sound rude, she was just frustrated.

"There are a lot of hospitals in Chicago, most probably won't guess this one."

"I hope not, I think she would be freaked out if people just started showing up,"

"That too."

"I thought she seemed a lot better, she seems to be making a lot of progress," Pratt spoke up.

"She is, or at least she's pretending to."

"You think she's pretending?" Susan asked, realizing that Kerry was probably right, that was defiantly something Abby would pull.

"It's pretty hard to tell anymore, but with Abby, just about anything is a possibility."

"Well," Pratt crossed his arms. "She got us again," he said remembering the conversation they had had a week before down in their own ER. About how Abby was always a step ahead of them.

"It's not that she's got us again, it's that she always had us," Susan sounded more than a little depressed by the thought. Abby had once again fooled them all.

"It would make sense, she was so… hostile at County just yesterday and now she's perfectly happy?" Luka said.

"So do we proceed under the assumption that she's lying, or that she's made a breakthrough?"

"If we address it as if she is lying she is going to know it, see right through us. However if we pretend that we think she's fine, we might never catch up with her,"

"So what? We flip a coin and hope it's smarter than we are?"

"Well Kerry," Susan began "What do you think?"

"I think that right now, none of us have the sort of training that'd be much help."

"So we just leave her? Let her continue with whatever plan she has right now?"

"No, we get someone in there."

"Like hell Abby is going to talk to anyone she even thinks might be a psychiatrist,"

"How she reacts to them will say a lot about what's actually going on."

"Abby has never reacted well to being with a psychiatrist,"

"Not reacting well is pretty vague."

"She wont talk to them Kerry! They…" she stopped, her fight was futile. "Who do you suggest then?"

"Call Hernandez and tell her to get her ass to the hospital."

"She's only signed on as a neurologist, Abby knows that,"

"So sign her on as a shrink too."

"Fine. But you deal with Abby when she finds out about this," Susan spoke and headed off to go and call Hernandez.

"Whatever it takes."

Pratt seeing this was probably not going to turn out well turned to Kerry. "I've got to get back, tell Abby I'll come and visit soon," he smiled and walked away, thankful he wouldn't have to be there when the shit hit the fan.. Again.


	19. Match

Susan sat in the cafeteria as Leslie Hernandez joined her, Kerry and Luka. She had asked the other doctor to meet them in the cafeteria when she arrived.

"What's the consensus? Is there one yet?"

"You called me down here, you tell me," Hernandez spoke and took a seat next to Kerry.

"We think.." Susan paused, she didn't know how to say what she wanted to convey. "We need you to talk to her,"

"I see. I'm guessing you don't mean as a neurologist?"

"No, she. Abby, we think she's.. acting," was the only word that could come to mind.

"Acting oddly?"

"Well yeah. She was miserable at County just yesterday and now all of the sudden she's happy, like nothing happened? She talks to us, invites conversation, its.. Something's up,"

"Could it be related to the relocation?"

Susan looked to Luka and Kerry, "It could, but that's why we brought you here, we just don't know anymore,"

"Has it been ascertained exactly where the attack took place?"

"No, all we know is that it was somewhere inside County and that there was a second attacker,"

"Then it's quite possible that the change in location did cause some improvement. How much, though, is something to ponder."

"She was refusing treatment, refusing to talk to anyone at County and now suddenly she's all better?"

"It's possible that she associated her location with the attack."

"Then why is she wanting to get back to the ER, go back to work?"

"She might not feel the same way about the ER. Maybe her attack took place near her room."

"The last time I saw her before.." Susan said. "She was heading up to the ICU,"

"And she was in the ICU. That could be it."

"Has anyone asked her about it?" Luka asked as he took a sip from his coffee.

"She doesn't want to talk," Susan grumbled, adding an aspartame packet to hers.

"Well, maybe now she will," he suggested.

"Possibly." All eyes went to Hernandez, she was the only one trained in how to really approach the subject. "I'll see if I can get her to talk about it, but the subject can't be forced."

"Just see what you can get. Maybe she can remember who the other attacker was?"

"That's not really the top priority for me."

"Well whatever it is, can you just please make sure, she isn't just trying to fool us?"

"That would be the intention."

Susan nodded, thankful for the doctor, "Thank you,"

"Now all of you, go get some sleep. I'll talk to Abby."

"Sure," Susan laughed, knowing that probably wouldn't happen, but hell it was worth a shot.

"And I do mean all of you," Hernandez cast Kerry a meaningful glare.

"Fine," Luka spoke up, knowing that Hernandez was right, they all needed sleep. Especially Kerry and Susan.

"Page us if anything comes up." Hernandez nodded and walked off, leaving the three doctors to wonder what was coming next.

They rode in Susan's car on the trip back to County, largely silent until Luka finally turned on the CD player. Finding that it was Cosmo's disk, twenty best loved children's' songs, he quickly shut it back off. Finally, they were back in their hospital, and as their hospital, it was somehow far more comfortable even though the two were remarkably similar.

Morris, seeing Kerry walk into the hospital, quickly ducked into an exam room, Sam, And Chuny laughed at the site.

"Whatever he did, tell him he's on nights for a week for it."

"Gladly," Sam smiled. "Oh," she quickly grabbed an envelope, "I was told to give this to you ASAP,"

Kerry opened the large manila envelope to find three rubber banded stacks of white business sized envelops, each neatly printed with the name of an ER staffer. She knew in an instant what they were.

"Anything interesting?" Pratt asked, seeing her look at the envelopes.

"If they are what I think they are, then yes," she paused for a moment, "round up everyone who's not busy." Soon, nearly the entire ER staff was gathered around Kerry, save for Morris who was still hiding out.

She'd found an explanatory note stuffed in with the envelopes, so once everyone was reasonably quiet, she started, "It seems the test results have come back, apparently there's a donor match, but everyone will have to look over their test results to know who."

"Someone matched?" Kerry heard a few voices say, apparently shocked. And then they tore into their envelopes. There was an aura of disappointment in the room as people tore into the envelopes and read the results, maybe slightly tinged with relief, nephrectomies weren't known for being pleasant, and as long as someone matched, it was all good in the end. Kerry slid a finger under the flap and opened the sealed envelope, then unfolded the letter and bit the inside of her lip to keep herself from displaying any surprise.

"Anyone?" Luka asked, after looking over his own results. He had not matched, he knew Susan had not matched, then who was it?

"If the individual wishes to remain anonymous, it's their prerogative," Kerry made an effort not to snap at him. She doubted Abby would accept a transplant if she knew who the donor was, and it really wasn't anyone else's business anyhow. She'd explain her absence away as a vacation, and just focus on administrative matters for a while upon her return.

"Kerry," She heard Susan whisper "its you," she smiled. For the past two months Susan and Kerry had been together nearly twenty four hours a day. Susan could actually begin to read her boss.

"Right blood type, wrong antigens," she lied through her teeth, "I need to speak to you in my office later."

"We need to at least tell Abby that she might have a donor,"

"I think Leslie would kill me if I went within a mile of that hospital. We're both supposed to be sleeping, remember? I'll send her a fax."

"You want Hernandez to tell her?"

"Would you rather?"

"No. I just…" she didn't know what she wanted. "I don't know if Abby should even know until we are certain that whoever it is, is actually going to go through with it. Can you imagine if we told her she had a donor, and then that person decided against it?"

"There's no danger of that happening. My office, two hours, alright?"

"Kerry!" Susan started to object, but stopped when she realized that Kerry had already disappeared down the hall.

Two hours later, Kerry gulped down the last of her coffee. She'd run home, showered, changed into fresh clothes, played with Henry(Who, much to her surprise, still recognized her), and made coffee, the first decent stuff she'd had in ages. Still tired, but feeling slightly more human, she had actually gotten a little paperwork dealt with for the first time in ages. Susan was due there any minute.

And then the knock came at the door, Susan entered, looking like she to, had been home. A change of clothes was always nice, as was a decent hot shower. "Hi Kerry," she didn't want to spend a lot of time here, wanted to go back and at least see Abby once more before they kicked the visitors out.

"Susan, hi."

"Can we talk about this on the way to Mercy?" This, meaning whatever Kerry needed to talk to her about.

"I suppose."

"Or would you rather do it here?"

"I can be brief. I'm planning on taking a vacation, about two weeks, sometime soon. When I get back, I'll have to deal with administrative matters, and I'll probably be out of the ER for a month or more. I thought you should have a heads up, give you a chance to deal with the schedule"

"Okay," Susan shook her head, that was weird. Something was different, and she wanted to ask Kerry, but she couldn't, didn't feel very much like intruding on privacy.

"You going to visit Abby?"

"Yeah, I'm going to try and get over there. I just think she needs to know that we're consistent, will be there at least a couple times a day, might help. I don't know,"

"Should I come along?"

"Sure, why not, cant guarantee what kind of mood she will be in though. Especially after we sent Hernandez in on her,"

"Well, sounds like you could use the back up then."

"Always. Have you talked to Hernandez at all since we left?" Susan was anxious to see how everything went, to find out what exactly Abby was up to.

"Not yet

"Think it's a good sign or a bad sign?" she asked as they stepped outside into the bitterly cold weather.

"Probably fairly neutral"

"Both of them are pretty stubborn, well I know Abby is, and Hernandez seems exactly the same way," Susan flagged down a cab and they jumped in.

"Oh, believe me, she is. Practically impossible."

"So was it a good idea to have two stubborn people in the same room?"

"It works in the ER with a few dozen, why not on a smaller scale?"

"Because its Abby! And if she knows we are on to her.." Susan shook her head.

"We'll see."

"Thanks," Susan paid the cabbie as they arrived at Mercy. "I love having to prepare for battle," She tried to joke as they made their way upstairs.

"It's not a battle, it's... A cold war."

"Don't you just love it? You know there was a reason I didn't go into psychiatry," she laughed.

"Same here Susan. I can't figure out what people are thinking on a social level, much less a clinical one."

"At least Abby is keeping them on their toes," she quieted down as they reached Abby's door and looked inside.

"Just what they need."

"Hernandez is still inside, do we dare enter?"

"I'd put my money on waiting, but you may be exceptionally bold."

"Yeah, looks like Abby is about to kill her, I think I'll wait out here," Susan winked.

"So, here's to hoping out patience lasts longer than their powwow."

"Well we're about to find out, here comes Dr. Hernandez," Susan stepped away from the door as the physiatrist stepped out.

"Hello again you two. Planning on applying for jobs here?"

"Haven't considered it yet actually," Susan started. "How did it go?"

"You know I can't discuss that."

"We sent you in there for a reason. Just tell us if we need to be cautious of anything,"

"Nothing you wouldn't already be careful about."

"Is it an act? That's all I'm asking, that's all I need to know. A simple yes or no, no details needed," Susan pressed.

"No. Not right now."

Susan breathed a sigh of relief. "Your sure? She can be manipulative."

"I'm sure. I realize she's manipulative, she's practically a snake. It wasn't an act."

"So she really is doing better," Susan smiled at Kerry, relieved.

"You done with her for the day?"

"Unless you need me to do anything else, I'm done, yes."

"Is she alright? Or is she pissed?" Susan asked as she peered into Abby's room.

"Not excessively so, actually."

"Oooh you're good," she was about to enter, when she suddenly remembered something. "We might have a donor, do we mention it to her?"

"What are the odds that the donor will go through with it? She isn't up to handling much disappointment just yet."

"I honestly don't know. But if we do have a donor, it could prevent the need for a port, which is scheduled for," Susan glanced at her watch, "two hours from now."

"The donor won't back out, Leslie," Kerry said confidently.

"Kerry, are you sure you want to promise this to Abby?" Susan glared.

"You don't trust them?"

"I don't know who it is! And the last thing Abby needs is to be disappointed right now."

"You don't need to know who it is, Susan," she took a deep breath, "and she won't be."

"Kerry.." Susan started but was suddenly interrupted for a very familiar voice.

"You know, I can hear everything that is being said, especially when the door is cracked open," Abby was standing right there, staring at them. Someone mumbled 'shit' under their breath, and Kerry, Susan, and Leslie glanced at one another, somehow feeling mildly guilty, like kids caught with their hands in the collective cookie jar, or perhaps more like the kid that broke the cookie jar trying to get their treat before dinner. "I would appreciate it if you three didn't talk about me thinking I can't handle a little disappointment," they could hear how hurt she was in her voice.

"That wasn't what we thought Abby," Kerry replied, knowing that it was the case for her at least. She'd been more bothered that Susan didn't trust the anonymous donor, even though, not knowing who it was, she really had no reason to.

"Oh it wasn't?" she said, and turned away, walking back into her room. How dare they? She was just starting to trust them again and then they go and do this. They followed suite, each hoping one of the other two said something first. Why couldn't even something potentially good go smoothly? "Right now, if I were you," Abby started knowing they had entered. "I would turn around and leave me the hell alone,"

"But you're not me, and I'm either too stupid or too stubborn to do that. Take your pick."

"Please, I just want to be alone for a while," she tried to keep her voice down, gentle. She really was not angry, just.. not happy.

"No." Abby looked at them clearly agitated, and then turned her focus out the window, just like she had been doing at County.

"Well, that's a bit of a step in a backwards direction."

"And keeping things from me isn't?" she glared at Susan and Kerry, knowing they would get what she meant.

"I wasn't planning to."

"Well apparently I have a donor, and you three were debating whether or not it would be of importance to tell me yet? Is that correct?"

"Susan doubts the donor's intentions because they've chosen to remain anonymous."

"And you don't think I'm capable of handling disappointment right now Dr. Hernandez? Don't bother trying to lie, I heard it all, so like I said, get out of my room all of you,"

"You're telling us all to just leave because of one person's opinion?"

"I'm telling you to leave, because I want you out, because I need to be alone right now," she said through her teeth.

"Fine, but don't you want to hear the news in its entirety first?"

"Am I going to get all of it? Or only the parts you believe I can handle?"

"All of it," Kerry said, before Susan could say a word.

Abby looked at them suspiciously, she was tired of playing this game, sick of it. But decided to let them go ahead. "Fine," but she was not to optimistic that she would be getting the whole truth, not anymore.

"Nearly the entirety of the ER, plus a good chunk of OB, and a few other assorted individuals got tested to see if they could be a donor. There is one, but apparently," Susan said, sounding more than a little irritated, "they feel a need to keep it a secret."

"They do, or you do?"

"Do we or don't we what?"

Abby shook her head "Never mind. So why did you feel that you couldn't tell me this?"

"How can one trust a body that one does not know?" Susan explained.

"So all this boils down to, is that you thought I would get my hopes up, that I might actually get excited about this? Good God Susan, I know not to get excited about anything now!" she slipped.

"I didn't want you to get let down again."

"I don't expect anything to go all happy anymore Susan, it doesn't work that way anymore for me,"

"And what if this does?"

"It wont, don't you get it yet? Any of you? It wont, so quit trying ," she wanted it to work, desperately, but then again every time she thought something good was about to happen, her hopes would be shattered.

"So you don't want the transplant then? You're just giving up on everything?"

"I never said I was giving up," she knew what to say and what not to say, when the psychiatrist was in the room, she wasn't stupid.

"So what are you saying then?"

"To leave me alone, I don't know how much clearer I can get!"

"So everyone should just piss off and let you self destruct?"

"Yes, fine, sure. Now go,"

"If that's your plan for however much longer you plan on sticking around, no. Definitely not."

"Why? Why cant I be alone for one damn minute? Ever since Stenton…" she paused. "Please, just let me thing about it alright?"

"Think about it, fine. Go ahead."

"I will once I'm by myself,"

"Oh, I'm sorry, I'm contaminating your space, obviously inhibiting your cerebral functions," Susan snapped and fled.

"Susan!" Abby wanted to yell after Susan, apologize for what she had said.. But seeing that the two doctors were not going to leave anytime soon, she looked back up at them knowing what they were probably thinking "I promise I'm not going to try anything. I know what you're thinking but I won't Kerry, I won't," she sounded much like a child promising her mother she wouldn't do whatever it was again.

"I don't doubt that, but sometimes not doing anything can be as bad as doing something," she said, coming a few feet closer.

"I won't, I won't," she said shaking her head. It seemed as if she was having a break down. She honestly didn't know what she really would do anymore, it seemed to vary day by day, and today, as the day went on it seemed to be getting much, much worse.

"I know. It's okay, Abby. We know."

"I didn't do anything wrong Kerry," she kept crying, it was the only time they realized that Abby would actually talk about what had happened. When she had become so upset and was crying.

"Of course you didn't. None of this is your fault."

"They just grabbed me…and I couldn't do anything. Security saw them holding me and walked right past," she was beginning to tell what had happened. While Kerry had heard this part before Hernandez had not. Abby not realizing she was actually saying what had happened continued. "They shoved me in a closet. Stenton ripped off my clothes, while the other one just held me," she squeezed her eyes closed. "I tried to fight them off, but the other one injected me," her hand unconsciously went to her leg, where he had stuck the needle. "I.. I don't know what it was, it didn't knock me out, but I couldn't move. The other one just held my shoulders down kept telling me it would be okay, that I would be fine as long as I listened. That it would be just fine, But it wasn't, it isn't, it will never be."

"Nothing's ever just fine, and a lot of things don't go away, but people can keep going, they can choose to fight like hell to move on and get past things."

"I cant anymore," she said, actually admitting defeat.

"That's a pity, because there are a lot of people who want you to, and a hell of a lot more things for you to do, a lot of things that maybe only you can."

"Don't play shrink games on me,"

"I'm not. I've got no flair for it, it'd be a waste of both our time."

"What do you want me to do then?"

"Stand and fight. Keep trying. You've got a chance here that a lot of people don't get. You can get past this, and it won't go away, but you'll grow from it, and maybe somehow that can help someone else."

"You say that like its so easy. But , I know Stenton's in jail and what about the other one? Do you know how frustrating it is to know who your attacker is, but can't name him, can't even put a face to his voice anymore?"

"I know it's not easy. It's probably the hardest thing you'll ever do. I know you're in pain, right now, you're probably in your own personal hell. And the other guy? I don't know. Maybe the cops can get Stenton to turn on him, and maybe he'll get himself caught, but if you give in because he hasn't been caught, even if he never comes near you again, he wins."

"Nothing works, I can't sleep at night, and when I'm awake all I think about is that night, how I wished they would have finished.." she stopped herself once again.

"How you wish they'd finished the job and killed you? So you wouldn't have to deal with all of this now. Well, they didn't, and you can either accept that and deal with it, because eventually, there will be other things going on, and your thoughts will be elsewhere most of the time, or you can give up, let that night be what defines you. No more saves in a trauma, no more friends, no more fun, nothing, just what happened. Nothing will ever undo what happened, but the passage of time is on your side with this, most things get worse with time, but if you get past this, there will be better things to think about, and to worry about. Things will improve."

Abby looked at her, knowing she was right, but at the same time, was scared if she wasn't correct. "How are you so sure? How do you know?"

"Because life happens, and humanity isn't extinct yet."

Abby nodded and rolled her eyes, before getting up and walking over to the window. "To you it isn't Dr. Hernandez,"

"So you're saying we're not here? As a species, we're gone. This is all a figment of some sort of rodent's imagination?"

"I don't know what I mean anymore, I don't know what I want anymore,"

"So let yourself clarify that."

"Okay." she said just to get her to shut up. Abby couldn't stand her any longer. But by then she was so angry and frustrated at herself, at the world, she simply didn't care anymore. And then it was as if something snapped inside of her. She simply couldn't suppress it any longer. Abby turned to face Kerry. "Why did you do it? You should have just left me out there, let me die!" she screamed loudly at her, startling the other two doctors. "You know I wouldn't have wanted this!"

"Because then, you said you didn't want to die."

"Because I was to damn drugged up to realize what I was saying, if you would have thought about it you would have know I didn't want to live!" she screamed at them again. Two nurses ran in, hearing all the yelling.

"You think I fucked up? Fine, maybe you're right, maybe I did."

"WHY DID YOU HAVE TO FIND ME, why did you have to bring me into that trauma room, put me through this?"

"In the ER, it's what we do, find people, piece them back together if we can. No one wanted to watch you die." Kerry replied calmly.

"What about what I wanted, what I want?" she knew what she way saying, knew they could defiantly get her for it. "I hate what you did! I don't want to be here!"

"Fine, I was wrong to try then, and I'm wrong to expect anything now, and if I had any sense at all, I'd have left like Susan did. You satisfied?"

"No, I'm not! I want to leave now, I'm done with this hospital shit, I'm done with having to explain everything. I'm done with making Susan angry every time I talk.."

"Susan's not mad at you, she's scared, thinks she's going to make things worse. As for the rest of it, fine. You want us to give up and walk away, what choice do we have?"

"She is mad! She every right to be!"

"She may have the right, but doesn't see a reason, and she isn't. Not with you."

"Why are you doing this Kerry? Why are you making me right? Why are you agreeing with me?" Abby said after a few minutes of silence. It was unnerving, that she was agreeing with everything Abby said, only making Abby uncomfortable.

"Awful lot of good disagreeing did, and I know the difference between sticking to my guns and shooting myself in the foot." Abby felt like her head was going to explode and sat down on the couch, putting her head into her hands, she didn't know what to do anymore. The transplant had suddenly become a very real possibility, now all she had to do was say yes. "So if you feel that you should have been left to die, then fine, I'm sorry for going against your wishes. And you've been around County long enough to know that I don't say that when I don't mean it."

"Just stop Kerry, please, just stop caring what happens to me,"

"I don't think I can do that."

"You have to!"

"It's not that easy."

"Just turn and leave, don't come back, get back to your life and forget about me," she cried.

"So that no one will be around to give a damn when you let yourself blow away?"

"Yes Kerry, that's exactly it!"

"That's not going to happen. If you plan on leaving us, there'll be at least a few people that stick around to miss you when you're gone."

"You don't have a choice Kerry,"

"I can't stop you from doing whatever you plan on, neither can Susan or Luka, but I doubt any of us is budging."

"I'm not trying to change your mind. I'm asking you to walk out that door, and never look back"

"And that isn't going to happen."

"Then I can ask Dr. Hernandez not to allow you in my room," and then she could get rid of Hernandez.

"I'll leave, but I will look back. And you can have orders placed so that you won't have visitors, and fine, hell, I won't even pull strings to circumvent them, but cutting yourself off from everyone won't make them stop giving a damn."

"But it will help"

"If it won't affect you, what does it matter?"

"Because I can't do anything if someone still cares!" and then for some reason Abby thought back on how she had been acting, who she sounded just like, and it scared her even more. She sounded, she acted just like her mother.

"Well then, I regret to inform you that you may be rather stuck."

"Don't do this Kerry, please,"

"Do what?"

"Just let me go, please," she sobbed.

"I'm not stopping you from going anywhere or doing anything. You want to go jump off something, the roof of the hospital, or a bridge? Maybe you'd prefer the L tracks. Not like I'll be running behind to catch you and stop you."

Abby didn't look up at her, she had decided on a method, if it came down to that, if she got desperate enough. But she couldn't, she couldn't bear to do that to them. Earlier that day she had been happy, smiling, laughing, somehow haven forgotten about Stenton. And then it all fell back, she remembered what her life was now. "I just don't know what I want anymore, I know what you want, what Susan wants, but I have no idea what I want," she shook her head, and pulled her knees up to her chest, no longer crying as hard as she was. She hated to admit it, but crying and screaming and venting and basically acting like a two year old did help her, she actually did feel better.

"You need to figure that out for yourself, then."

"You don't think that's what I've been doing? Do you honestly think I've just been sitting in the hospital thinking about happy endings?"

"No one knows what to think."

"Including me,"

"Do you think you want to go back to practicing medicine?" Hernandez who had remained pretty much silent, finally spoke. She shrugged and Hernandez. It would defiantly keep her mind off of Stenton what had happened. But then again, everyone at County knew what had happened to her, and she wasn't sure she would be able to stand the sympathy that was guaranteed to be there for a long time. "Maybe try a different branch of medicine?"

"Such as?"

"What interests you?"

She thought about it, but after a while came to the conclusion that she loved emergency medicine, was not really sure she would enjoy many other fields. "I don't know,"

"You could consider private practice."

"Honestly, it would bore me to death,"

"So maybe back to emergentology?"

"Yeah, I think so," she replied without lifting her gaze from the floor.

"What hesitation do you harbor about doing so?"

"I don't want the sympathy," she said honestly. "But no matter where I go, everyone is going to know me, the case is all over the news, I can't escape."

"That'll wear off with time."

"Time is the answer to everything then?"

"Not everything, but many."

"But the question is, how much time do I have?" she looked up at Hernandez.

"Plenty. You can stay on dialysis indefinitely, or you can take a transplant and not need it."

"If I say yes, when can the surgery be performed?" she was ready to move on with her life, well at least at that moment.

"As long as you're cleared physically, then probably very soon."

"No. I'm tired of hearing soon. I need to hear an least an estimate here, give me a number"

"When do you want it?"

"I want it now, but that can't happen,"

"Unless something comes up, it could likely happen within the next two weeks. That soon enough?"

She looked at them, were they joking? "Your kidding right? I mean.." she didn't want to get her hopes up but..

"What? It's a living donor, so you don't have to wait for a cadaver to come along."

"This isn't a joke, you are serious?"

"You think I'd joke about this?"

Abby shook her head, of course they wouldn't. "Okay," she agreed to it, after thinking it over for a few minutes.

"Okay. We'll get the ball rolling on that, then book an OR and such."

"Can I get out of here before then?" Two weeks, at the latest. And she was healing nicely, in her own opinion. They had nothing really to keep her there.. well except that outburst, but everyone got angry right?

"Depends on when the operation is scheduled for."

"Say a week? Could I stand a chance of at least going out to eat somewhere?"

"Going out to eat, maybe. That's more up to your internist and nephrologists than me."

She sighed, she truly believed that half of her frustration was that she had been locked inside a hospital for so long. It alone was depressing. "Okay."


	20. Surgery

"When are they moving me to the SPU," Abby asked, both bored out of her mind and anxious about the upcoming procedure.

"Pretty soon Abby, I don't know exactly when, but can't be to much longer," Luka spoke as he and Susan sat in her room on the morning of the transplant.

"I think it's got something to do with your donor's obsessive need for privacy, you can't go in there until they're already in the OR."

"Yeah, well I just want this over and done with," she said as she nervously played with the blankets.

"We all do, Abby, believe me."

"How long is it going to take?" she asked as a few nurses began congregating outside the door. "the surgery I mean?"

"Couple hours, maybe longer."

Abby took a deep breath, trying to calm herself down, she was visibly nervous about this, all rational telling her that she would be fine. But having three surgeries in less then two months didn't help to calm her at all. "Where's Kerry?"

"She couldn't come, Henry's caught something, she says it's probably the flu, so she's at home dealing with a vomiting toddler," Susan said, slightly skeptical of the story, but then again, if it was true, Kerry's day would be about as much fun as theirs.

"Oh," Abby said, sounding disappointed. "Is he okay?"

"Well, if it's the flu, he's definitely not happy, and neither is she, but he should be fine."

"Sucks to be her," Abby smiled trying to joke, as Elizabeth and a team of nurses walked in.

"Abby, good morning," she said, despite her years in Chicago, the British accent refused to fade.

"Hi Dr. Corday," she responded trying to hide how scared she was.

"Scared witless yet?"

"Just a little bit,"

"You're in good hands."

"I've heard that before,"

"Yes, but you know me."

"I know, I know I'll be fine," she said as the nurses began loading all the equipment onto her gurney.

"You're finally on your way to SPU, but you'll only get a few minutes there, then you're off to the OR."

"Don't kill me Elizabeth," she made it sound like a joke, but at the same time needed the reassurance.

"I don't make a habit of killing patients."

"Don't start with me,"

"I don't plan on it, Abby." Abby nodded her thanks to the surgeon as they arrived in the SPU, only slightly less nervous. "You'll be here for a couple of minutes, not long. You're familiar with the procedure, yes?"

"Yes,"

"Any last minute questions?"

"Just get it over with so I can go home,"

"Sick to death of hospitals already, I see. Well, you'll have to wait a couple of days before you can go home, after the operation, but you know that."

"Oh one more thing, if I have a tube down my throat when I wake up.."

"You will kill me. I know. Believe me, you've got a reputation. With this operation, we can generally remove the tube before anesthesia wears off."

"Okay.."

"Anything wrong?"

"Besides that I'm about to have my second life saving surgery in two months, no, I'm just fine,"

"It ought to be old hat by now then."

Abby nodded "just get it over with," she sighed and settled back down into her bed.

"Right. I've got to go scrub, we'll see you in the OR, then."

"Thanks Elizabeth," she said.

"You're welcome," she said over her shoulder as she left.

Abby sat there, listening to the machines, trying so hard to calm herself down. But when she felt a nurse grab the IV tube, her panic only increased. "Susan," she began without opening her eyes, somehow she managed to pull away from the nurse. "I can't do this.."

"What? It's not... You can do this, Abby, it'll be fine."

"No, Susan, please, don't make me do this," she didn't look up, and Luka the nurse and Susan exchanged worried glances, each not knowing what to do.

"Nobody's making you do anything, Abby," Susan said, rather worried, "but I do think you should go through with it."

Luka decided to take a different approach, he was determined to see Abby through this. "Go sit with her," he whispered to Susan, then walked over to the nurse, taking the syringe from her hand. Susan shot him a look that screamed 'what the fuck are you thinking, tell me this instant!' then complied "Abby, its going to be okay, alright? Elizabeth wont let anything happen to you," Luka reassured watching as Susan took her in her arms.

"That's not the point. Just... Don't make me do this. Please.

"Take a deep breath Abby," he said gently and firmly grabbed the IV tube. He knew the only reason Abby didn't want this was because she was scared.

"What are you doing, Luka?"

"I want you to go through with this, so does Susan and Kerry," he said and injected the drug. "But I think you want it more,"

"Maybe you're wrong and I don't."

"You wouldn't have come this far if you didn't," he said and handed the syringe back to the nurse. "You are going to be fine Abby. Once this is over, you'll be out of the hospital in less then a week, you can come back to work soon after that.."

"Just... Just shut up," she mumbled.

"We'll be here when you wake up alright?"

"Whatever."

"Okay, well the nurses are going to take you to the OR now," he said and nodded for Susan to let Abby go. She just sort of nodded and then shrugged.

"Susan.. Please." Abby begged one more time, hoping her friend would stop the surgery from happening.

"Why?" She didn't answer, didn't know what to say, just stared at her friends. "Seriously, why?"

She shook her head, not wanting to verbally admit that she was scared. "Dr. Lockhart, we need to get you to the OR now," the nurses smiled warmly and gently pushed her down so that she was on her back, before unlocking the breaks on the gurney.

"We'll see you in a few hours Abby," Luka smiled and pulled Susan out of the room. Hating what he had just done to Abby, but knowing it was for the best. "Let's go grab some coffee," he suggested to Susan.

It'd been an hour, and there'd been no news, which to Susan meant that either everything was going well, or (in her mind, more likely) that everything was going entirely wrong, and they were far too busy to come out and tell her.

"You okay Susan?" Luka asked as he took a sip from his coffee.

"Just... Worried."

"Elizabeth is a fantastic surgeon, Abby is in good hands,"

"She's going to be mad as anything though, once she gets out. And I've never heard of the surgeon operating on the donor."

"She's going to be drugged when she gets out Susan, and by the time she's aware, she's probably going to be relieved more then anything."

"And if she's not?"

"Susan, why are you so worried?"

"Because what we did was beyond unethical, and my best friend's in surgery, and I'm in a pissy mood. I worry well, okay?"

"What did we do wrong Susan?"

"You drugged her against her will so she'd cooperate long enough to get the surgery."

Luka nodded, he knew what he had done was wrong. "This is possibly the only way to get Abby back,"

"What if she sees it as being the same thing her attacker did?"

"Look, we'll deal with the issue when she wakes up okay? If you're so pissed about what I did, go complain to Kerry about it,"

"Piss off, Luka," she grumbled at him, and left the surgical hallway to find a place where she could use her cell phone. She took a deep breath and calmed down before dialing the number, it rang and rang and rang, but no answer. Finally, the machine came up, Kerry hadn't changed it in years, which was a little eerie. Why wasn't she home though, if Henry was sick, it wasn't like she was going to be at work or something. "Damn it," she hung up the phone and banged her head on the wall. She needed Kerry's advice on this, on how to deal with Abby once she woke up. Another brilliant idea struck her, pager. Kerry was a doctor, had a pager, and had to answer it. She quickly dialed in the number and waited, and waited and waited some more. Half an hour and still no answer.

The cell phone went straight to voice mail. She briefly considered actually going to Kerry's house. Apartment. Whatever it was Kerry lived in, she hadn't actually been there, and the stories from Carter could easily be antiquated... but decided against leaving the hospital. With nothing better to do, she started rationalizing. Henry was asleep so Kerry turned the ringer off of the phone, her pager battery had died, and the cell phone got turned off by accident. Or maybe she'd run off to get some kiddie flu medicine, and left the cell phone and pager at home. But that was not like Kerry, and Susan had a sinking feeling that something had happened. Whether it was about Abby or Kerry, something had happened.

She must have drifted off to sleep, because suddenly she felt Luka shaking her shoulder. "Susan, wake up."

She jumped, "Huh? What? Who died?"

"Abby's out of surgery, she's fine, absolutely fine,"

"Awake?"

"She's starting to. Elizabeth wanted to stay with her until she woke up, but apparently had a patient that required her immediate attention,"

"Did they remember to extubate her?"

"Yes, it was done as soon as possible."

"Good, that's good. At least she won't be angry over that. Just everything else."

"She doesn't have to deal with dialyses anymore, Susan, she might be relieved."

"Once she's done being pissed, yeah, she might be."

"Well we promised we would be there when she woke up," he stuck out his hand, helping Susan stand.

"Let the bloodbath begin," she grumbled as they made their way to the recovery area. They slowly made their way inside her room, not wanting to scare her just in case she was aware. Susan found a chair and sat, Luka brooded in the corner, waiting, watching.

Twenty minutes later a knock came at the door and Elizabeth walked in.

"She do okay?" Susan asked immediately.

"Abby? Yes. No complications."

Susan breathed a sign of relief, "thank you," she whispered and reached over to take Abby's hand.

"Just doing my job."

"What about her donor?" Luka whispered.

"I'm not at liberty to discuss the donor in any way."

Susan nodded. "of course,"

"Mind if I stay in here with you?"

"As long as you don't mind getting your feelings hurt when she wakes up,"

"Is there something I should be aware of?"

"She didn't want the surgery right before.. Right after you left,"

"Dr. Kovac, if you did anything I'd be obligated to report, I suggest you not discuss it."

"Then I won't." he looked at Susan, silently asking her not to say another word. Corday knew he had done something, but Susan and Abby and the nurse knew what he did. "Susan," he nodded to Abby's left hand, her fingers beginning to move back and forth.

"Abby, can you hear me?" she nodded her head. "You wanna open your eyes maybe?"

"no," her voice was horse, but at least she spoke to them.

"I see."

"I'm tired, I want to sleep," she yawned, obviously forgetting that she had just come from surgery.

"I'm not going to debate that."

"Don't leave okay?"

"Okay."

And then she was out again. "She didn't seem to upset," Luka smiled.

"Luka, do me a favor?"

"Okay?"

"Call Jerry and tell him to keep paging Weaver until she shows up."

"She still hasn't called you back?"

"Nope."

He shook his head and stood up "do you two need anything?"

"Caffeine would be delightful."

"Elizabeth?"

"Same, if you don't mind."

"Its not a problem. I'll be back soon," Luka grabbed his jacket and left. Leaving Susan and Elizabeth.

"So, Susan, any major happenings since I left County?"

"Carter went back to Africa, Pratt's as arrogant as ever, but aren't they all. And then of course. Abby,"

"Africa... Why?"

"To be with Kem, don't know if you two ever met."

"Name doesn't ring a bell. Dubenko still there?"

"Wonderful surgeon, saved her life," she nodded to Abby.

"Then I can't gracefully condemn him."

"I don't know how he did it honestly, I don't think he even knows how he did it,"

"Sometimes in surgeries, things go so horribly wrong for no reason, even if the operating team did everything right, it's like the patient just doesn't want to live. Other times, a patient will survive when every medical instinct you've got is saying their next breath will be their last."

"We didn't think she would even make it to the trauma room, much less the OR. Then Dubenko told us she wouldn't make it through the night"

"That happens some times. I've given up wondering why."

"You say it's the patients will to survive sometime in the surgeries, but honestly I don't think Abby has that anymore."

"I think she might still. Maybe not like she did, but to some degree."

"I hope so, I really do, but I don't believe it. Not anymore. If she had been like this, her attitude when we found her, we would have lost her that night,"

"We'll see."

""Yeah. We'll see."

"Hello Miss. Weaver," one of the nurses stuck her head in the room. "How are you feeling?" she asked as she checked her vitals.

"Like I was sliced open," she mumbled truthfully. And freezing. And boiling. And generically shitty. She'd just had a kidney taken out though, wasn't like she was going to feel great.

"To be expected after doing what you did. Can I get you anything?"

"Another blanket would be good."

"Can do,"

"Thanks," Kerry said quietly and shifted a bit, trying to get comfortable.

"Would you like me to page your doctor?" the nurse offered.

I am a doctor, she thought, "Not if there isn't a reason to."

"Do you think there is a reason to?"

"You're the one who deals with this on a daily basis, I generally try to avoid hospitalization, so go with your judgment on it," of course, if Kerry knew what her temperature was at, she'd have said otherwise, but nurses were competent, at least the ones she worked with, and smart enough to know when a doctor was needed. Hopefully.

"Alright, I will come and check on you later then," she smiled and walked out.

Kerry knew intellectually, that she ought to be bored out of her skull, begging the nurse to bring her JAMA or The Annals of Emergency Medicine, but she was tired, just wanted to sleep, and secretly doubted she'd be able to focus enough to absorb any of the information. Probably the pain meds they had her on. Pain medicine, and surgery could defiantly make one sleep for long periods of time, and sleep sounded perfect right then.

By the time the nurse returned with the blanket, Kerry was already sleeping. Seeing this, she decided not to wake her patient, she was supposed to check vitals, but how could anyone heal if they weren't even allowed to rest uninterrupted. She picked up the chart, and after looking over the details from her last check, she jotted down vitals that corresponded pretty well, dropping temp by a degree and a half, as it had been elevated by that amount previously. And voila, she was done faster, and her patient could sleep a bit longer, thus everyone was happier. She didn't think twice as she left the room, ready to go home, shift change was happening now, she had to update the new nurses on her current patients.

"She doing okay?" Luka asked as Susan slipped out of Abby's room.

"Yeah, and still not pissed at us, go figure."

"They're still pumping the good drugs into her then,"

"Yeah, probably."

"Still asking where Kerry is?"

"Yeah."

"Have we figured that out yet?"

"Still not picking up at home, cell's still going to voice mail, and not answering pages."

"That's not like her Susan, Abby is getting frustrated, Kerry is the only who can actually talk some sense into her, and now she's MIA?"

Just then, as if on cue, Susan's cell phone rang, eliciting glares from nearby nurses.

"Hello," she answered quietly.

"Hi, Susan?"

"Kerry! Is Henry alright? We've been trying to get a hold of you!"

"He's about the same. Sorry about that, had to turn the ringer off on the phone, kept waking him up."

Susan listened to her voice, it sounded as if Kerry had caught something, "Are you okay? You don't sound to well,"

"Sick kid leads to little sleep," she paused for a moment, "I think I've caught whatever Henry picked up in daycare."

"Sounds like it. Anything I can get you?"

"Are you kidding? I could practically start a pharmacy out of the downstairs medicine cabinet."

"Kerry, you sound like hell."

"Gee, thanks. I sound worse than I am."

"Abby keeps asking for you, wondering when you are coming,"

"I don't want to get anyone sick, especially Abby. Give her my regards, and I'll be there as soon as I get over this virus."

"Maybe call her Kerry, just.."

"What?"

"Because Luka drugged her and she's barely holding back from taking his head off. So she can hear your voice.. I don't know.."

"I... Okay, I'll call her in a bit."

"Well get your rest first, she'll be able to hear how bad you sound just like I do. it's the last thing she needs right now though."

"I'll keep that in mind. And give Luka a thorough chewing out for me. What he did was completely against the Hippocratic oath, and common sense."

"I've tried.." Susan glared at him.

"Never mind, I'll do it myself when I can."

"Thanks Kerry, get some rest alright?"

"Yeah, I'll try." Susan didn't say anything in reply just hung up the phone, looked at Luka and laughed, knowing what was coming once Kerry got hold of him.

"Something funny?"

"It will be for me once Kerry finds you"

"That was her then?"

"Yeah, apparently she caught what Henry has. Apparently," she didn't quite believe the story.

"Maybe I should stop by and check on her on the way home."

"She's going to chew your ass out, you know that?"

"If she's not feeling well, she might not. And with her son sick too, she likely won't have the energy. I remember how it was when my kids got sick. No one slept."

"And Kerry knows how you drugged Abby,"

"I take it she wasn't pleased."

"YOU DRUGGED HER LUKA!" She didn't quite scream but the irritation was there.

"And maybe it wasn't the right thing to do, but Abby's not mad over it, so why should Kerry be?"

"Because what if Abby does become angry over it? How the hell are we going to justify that? How are we going to win her trust back?"

"Kerry wasn't there, didn't do anything, so she can win it back. Or Hernandez. Either of them."

"But Abby works directly with you!"

"Eventually, she'll realize it was in her best interests."

"To drug her to cooperate Luka? To ensure she couldn't fight?"

"Just this once, it may have been the right thing."

"For us or for Abby?" she asked seriously then turned and walked back towards Abby's room.

"For everyone involved."

"Fine Luka, fine." she couldn't fight anymore. Not with Luka, not with Kerry, not with Abby.

The shift change had happened and it was a new nurse that entered Kerry's room this time. She knew immediately something was wrong, very off. "You okay?" she asked just out of politeness.

Kerry took a moment to process the words, she was about half aware at best, just enough that she knew she wasn't 'okay'. "I uh… No. I don't think so."

"Yeah, neither do I. Who do you want me to page?"

Surgeon... What was her surgeon's name? Too tired to remember... Oh well... the first name that came to mind was, "Corday."

"Okay, I will be right back," the nurse didn't waste anytime and quickly paged Elizabeth Corday to Kerry's room.

The nurse's urgency set off a few warning flags, but Kerry sort of shook them off. When Elizabeth arrived as quickly as she did though, it was a bit worrisome. "Hi."

"Don't look like you're feeling your best Kerry," the surgeon hurried over.

"Don't think I am," she muttered. Dizzy, tired, achy, roasting, freezing, the air was too thin.

"I'm going to take your vitals, alright? See what's going on," like hell there was much of a question, Kerry was white as a sheet, and looked like she'd faint if she stood, or even sat up, and though she hadn't said anything distinctly off, Kerry didn't seem quite all there, not delirious and raving, but not up to say, a real

and coherent conversation either. With the shivering, that she had a fever wasn't much of a question. Sepsis seemed the likely culprit. Delightful, not. Hopefully reversible. But first she had to take vitals. When all the response she received from the normally rather vocal Kerry Weaver (she assumed that her former boss had not changed that much over the course of a few months) was a halfhearted shrug, Elizabeth's concern escalated further. When she touched Kerry's forehead, it was burning, but when she was wrapping the blood pressure cuff around Kerry's arm, she found that skin freezing. Blood pressure was holding, despite tachycardia, so it wasn't shock yet. As advanced as the sepsis seemed to be, though, unless the source of the infection decided to cooperate when antibiotics were administered, it was likely to advance to shock, and quickly.

"Diagnosis?" Kerry asked, not particularly interested in complete sentences.

"Possibly sepsis," Elizabeth said quickly, somehow maintaining her professional composure.

"And I was starting to think there might be something to worry about," it was meant to come off as sarcastic, but clearly didn't quite hit the mark.

"And I'm going to take care of you alright?" she tried to reassure. Kerry shrugged and closed her eyes, mumbling something Elizabeth didn't quite catch. "I'm giving the nurses orders for cephelosporin, for now, we'll see how that works. I'll be back to check on you in a bit," she headed towards the door. And once again, all Kerry could do was nod.

"Abby," Elizabeth greeted as she entered her patient's room, "How are you feeling?"

"Tired, but otherwise fine,"

"That's good. According to the monitor, your vitals are normal, I don't normally let patients gauge this, but as you're a doctor, does the incision look like it's healing well?"

"I said I was fine Elizabeth," she said, shortly.

"Alright, I'm not debating that."

"Its fine, I looked at it yesterday," and it made her sick to her stomach, not the scar, but that it would be a constant reminder of Stenton.

"And since I know you won't let me get a look at it, I suppose I'll have to take your word on it."

"I never said you couldn't look at it Elizabeth,"

"In that case, may I please?"

Abby didn't say anything but nodded her consent. "Its fine I'm sure, so when you see it, I'm guessing you can give me an estimate as to when I can be discharged?" she smiled at her as she laid back in the bed.

"Probably yes."

"Thank God," she sighed and Elizabeth got to the bedside.

"Okay, Abby. It looks good, shouldn't even leave much scarring. Unless you do something like develop sepsis on me, I think you can go home in about four days."

"How about two?"

"We'll see how you look in three, but that's my final offer."

"Fine." she stopped and looked at Elizabeth. "Look I know this sounds off, but I have the feeling something is being kept from me.."

"Such as?"

"I don't know anymore, but I know how to tell when Susan and Luka are hiding something from me, whatever it is, maybe you are to?"

"If you'd like to know anything, by all means, ask away."

"Where's Kerry?" no need to dance around it.

"Wouldn't she be the one to ask?" a sinking feeling was developing in the pit of Elizabeth's gut, "She and I don't exactly have a daily chat on the tellie to catch up on old times."

Abby looked at her for a few seconds, then nodded. She had truly developed a sense for telling when something was being kept from her. That and Kerry who had visited her nearly every hour for the past two months, had not come by in two days.

"I seem to recall Susan having mentioned something about Henry catching a bug of some sort?"

"You and I both know that is total bull shit Dr. Corday,"

"I don't see any motive to falsify on that matter."

"You turn red when your lying, Susan gets mad when confronted about being angry, and Luka just walks out,"

"I think you're reading in things that simply aren't there."

"Okay," she didn't argue with her, didn't really care to. In all honesty, she was worried that she had pissed Kerry off in some way.

"Anyhow, if everything's alright here, I need to check on a few other patients."

"Thanks Elizabeth and I'm holding you to that three day discharge,"

"As long as you don't decompensate, there won't be a problem, see you later."

Elizabeth didn't quite sprint back to Kerry's room, but was moving fast enough to be slightly winded when she arrived. "Kerry? Are you awake?"

"Now I am,"

"Sorry, you need your rest, but I think Abby's on to something. She keeps asking about you. Doesn't quite believe whatever story you've been having them feed her about the flu or whatever."

"Susan and Luka don't know."

"Well, I think they need to. Abby knows something is up."

"Dial her room. Please," Kerry hated to have Elizabeth perform such a simple task for her, but it required less energy than asking for the extension to Abby's room and then reaching for and dialing the phone herself

"Okay?" she reached over and dialed Abby's room number and quickly handed the phone over.

As it required less effort than holding the receiver, Kerry balanced it between her shoulder and ear. Abby picked up immediately.

"Hello," she said as she flipped through the channels on the television.

"Abby... Hi," Kerry did her best to sound normal. But unfortunately, her best attempt wasn't all that good.

"You don't just have the flu do you Kerry?" Abby didn't bother with sounding nice, she was worried.

"I still think it's flu. Forgot to get the shot this year... Didn't want to get you sick."

"I'm fine, but you sound like hell,"

"Sound worse than I am."

"What's really going on Kerry. I'm not stupid here." she was starting to wonder... Could it have possibly been...

"Need to take vitamin C. Henry just threw up. Take care," she handed the phone back to Elizabeth to hang up.

"Kerry!" Abby shouted into the phone and once she realized the other had already hung up, threw the phone across the room.

Susan walked in just in time to duck the projectile. "What was that for?"

"Nothing!" if they were going to keep things from her, she could keep things from them.

"That wasn't nothing. Since it was her name you just screamed, safe to guess you're mad at Kerry?"

"Something's wrong Susan, its not the flu,"

"I've been thinking the same thing, she called me earlier today, sounded... shitty. I'd check on her if I knew she wouldn't kill me for it."

"You go check on her, or I will,"

"If she kills me, or I get sick, I won't come to visit you."

"Fine. I'll go," she sat up, knowing Susan would cave.

"I didn't say I wouldn't go. Stay, lay back so you don't tear out stitches or something."

"Nothing is going to happen to me Susan,"

"I know. I'll stop by her place tonight, after I stop by the hospital and get someone in personnel to let me look at her file and figure out where the hell she lives."

"Promise?"

"Yeah."

"Okay. Um I'm going to get some sleep,"

"Okay. Sleep well, Luka'll probably be here later."

"Susan, please go check on her now, I'll be fine... Just..." she didn't finish her sentence, fell asleep right in the middle of it.

Susan shook her head and left, pulling out her phone to call Luka, who was probably just finishing a shift. Maybe he could get Kerry's address for her, keep her from taking the tiki tour. Of course, with her luck, Kerry probably lived in Lake Forest or the far end of town.


	21. Time of Death

Susan pulled out her cell phone, dialed Luka's number and waited for an answer before demanding to know where he was. "I'm walking through Mercy right now," he explained.

"Some help you are. Abby just drifted off. Don't wake her, just sit there, I guess."

"I'm not waking her up, I like her better when she's sleeping,"

"There are times when I agree with you. But don't tell her I said that."

"I should, then we would be on an even playing field. You wouldn't be able to hold a certain incident above me then,"

"Don't even start, Luka. I'm about to do battle with Kerry, and I need my strength for that, so I don't want to waste it on you. Besides, you said it first."

Frank looked up at Susan, more than a little surprised to see her just then. Wasn't she supposed to be watching over Abby? "Can I help you?" he offered, sounding a bit more courteous than usual.

"Yeah, I think so. Um, do you have Weaver's home address?"

"No, you'll have to go to personnel," he paused, "Won't your boyfriend mind? I mean, being around her, unsupervised."

Susan ignored the latter portion of his response, the only way not to throttle him, "Do you have a copy of her schedule?"

"I've only seen the one for her ER shifts, but not with me. Not a problem though, she isn't taking any for a bit. Not that I saw at least. Then again, she's not technically on the schedule when she pitches in most of the time, so that doesn't say much. She's probably busy with whatever it is that she does upstairs. Anyhow, she told me not to page her down here until further notice."

"What?"

"I don't know. Just following orders. Try her secretary."

"He quit."

"And another one bites the dust. Can't say I wonder why," his voice took on a rare touch of concern, "How's Lockhart?"

"She's holding her own," with that, Susan hurried off to Kerry's office, likely the only place where a complete copy of Kerry's schedule (ER shifts, meetings, other administrative crap, family commitments, not that she had many of those, and anything else...) could be found, and even then, probably only if she kept a desk planner. Just her luck, the office was locked. Hypothetically, that wasn't an unusual occurrence, but it was more than a little frustrating, so after a minute of rattling the door, just in case it came open, she turned around, prepared to take the elevators down from the administrative floor to the basement, where personnel was hidden, and found Ansphaugh right behind her.

"Dr. Lewis, something I can help you with?"

"I um... Actually... Probably not... But..."

"Ah, I see. Something regarding Dr. Weaver's new streak of absenteeism?"

"You two are friends, right?"

"What makes you say that?"

"Last time I spoke to her, she sounded shittier than a touch of the flu would entail, but who knows, maybe 'The Stand' was a prophecy."

"I see."

"You know, don't you?"

"Excuse me, Dr Lewis?"

"Whatever it is that she's hiding, you know it."

"I'm really not in a position to discuss this."

"She's not picking up at home, or on her cell, or answering pages."

"I'm not at liberty to discuss it,"

"Which means that there is something to discuss."

He shook his head. "What do you think Dr. Lewis, if you think I know something, what exactly is it that you think I know?"

"Where is she?"

"You didn't answer my question,"

"You know where she is and what's wrong, so just tell me and save me a few hours of trouble."

"You know I can not say anything Dr. Lewis,"

"You're doing nothing but confirming that there is something that you're keeping from me. Fine. I'll figure it out eventually."

"Good luck then," he turned to leave, but suddenly stopped. "How is Dr. Lockhart?"

"How is Dr. Weaver?"

"I don't know, I haven't spoken to her. Maybe go and visit her," he didn't give away any information as to where Kerry might be, but at the same time answered Susan's question.

"And where would I go to do that?"

"How is Dr. Lockhart?"

"Answer my question and I'll answer yours."

"Give a little get a little Dr. Lewis, I gave you some information, I expect some in return,"

"Abby's holding her own," and then the pieces clicked.

"How did the transplant go?" he lightened his tone, hoping Susan would catch on, read between the lines.

"Abby's healing well. I shouldn't bother checking her house, should I?"

"It would probably be a waste of time, but if you feel you need to.."

"Have you heard from her at all?"

"I really can not discuss this anymore, but I'm sure you've figured out enough information by now,"

"Thank you Dr. Ansphaugh," she mumbled, then made a quick escape. pulling out her cellular on the lift.

"Luka, where are you?" she demanded as soon as he picked up.

"Babysitting," he whispered, silently telling Susan that Abby was asleep.

"I'll be there in half an hour, meet me in the main lobby," she was about to hang up when a thought crossed her mind, "While you're leaving the ICU, take a peak at the nurse's board for me, okay? Probably won't have anything of use, but just in case. See if any of the other private rooms are occupied. Or iso."

"Yeah, I'll have to get someone in here to sit with Abby," he knew that she hated waking up alone, afraid of what could have happened in her sleep. "And what is this all about?"

"Just do it, Luka. And I doubt there'll be a name, but see if there's anyone else in a solitary room. Especially if it's occupied but doesn't have a name listed. Or maybe something like Jane Doe or whatever."

"Fine, fine. But come up here," he tried to convince her, not wanting to leave.

"ICU waiting room then. Not Abby's room, and not the hallway right outside it."

"See you soon,"

"Yeah, sure," she hung up and jogged from the elevator lobby to her car.

Luka looked at his watch, Susan was six minutes late for this scheduled pow wow of theirs.

"Hey, sorry about that. Traffic was a bitch."

"Okay, what's this all about? And why cant it be discussed in Abby's room. I'm not particularly fond of leaving her alone right now,"

"Were any of the other private rooms occupied?"

"One was, that's all I saw,"

"And let me guess, when you walked past it, the door was closed and the shades were drawn?"

"Yes…"

"Damn it, Ansphaugh..."

"Susan what is going on," he was tired, suffering from lack of caffeine and now totally confused. Poor man.

"Just... Follow me," she said and stomped off, toward the room in question, completely ignoring the nurse who politely informed her that there were strict orders for no visitors to that room as she stormed in. And all her speculations were suddenly confirmed, how she hadn't caught on earlier was beyond her.

"There, Luka, that's what's going on."

"GET OUT," the anger in Elizabeth's voice was apparent, she was pissed at them. Wonderful.

"Why didn't you say something?"

"Not here, not now, move," she gestured for them to leave the room and leave immediately.

"No. You should have at least clued us in."

"Patient confidentiality,"

"This is different and you know it."

"How so?" she asked crossing her arms.

"Elizabeth, damn it!" she glanced over at Kerry, who had barely responded to their rather loud entry, "It just is."

"No its not! Do you think Abby would have accepted if she had known?"

"And what do you think Abby's going to do now?"

"She doesn't have to know,"

"Like hell she doesn't!"

"She doesn't want this! Kerry does not want Abby to find out!"

"And since she hasn't throttled me for finding her yet, I don't think she's in much of a position to object."

"She's septic Susan, Luka." she didn't quite yell, it slipped.

"Shit. You should have told us, Elizabeth."

"I believe I just did," she paused. "Abby can NOT find out, under any circumstances"

"Abby will kill us, kill me, if I don't' tell her."

"For Abby's sake then, as much as Kerry's. She's gotten a bit shockey over the last half hour. She hasn't responded to the antibiotics we've tried, and she's severely allergic to the ones we haven't."

"Oh God," Susan turned around, the situation had just progressed from oh shit to fuck in a very short period of time,

"Now, as the nurse informed you, before things got bad, Dr. Weaver placed strict orders that she would see visitors under no circumstances, and as I said a moment ago, get out. I've told you more than I should have, and if you repeat a word of it to Abby, I'll have you banned from the hospital for the duration."

"So I lie to her when she asks where Kerry is? Because she knows Elizabeth, she can tell when I'm lying,"

"That's why Kerry didn't want anyone to know. She knows that you can't lie to save your life, and didn't want Abby to know about any of this."

"She's not stupid Elizabeth! She's probably close to figuring it out if she hasn't already"

"So do your best to keep her in the dark."

"Do you have any idea how well that went when Abby first woke up?"

"This is Kerry's business and no one else's. Abby doesn't need to know."

"I think she already does," with that Susan turned and left.

"Damn," Corday spat almost inaudibly, "Luka, stop her from doing anything rash."

"You… Elizabeth.. This is going to destroy Abby, what sanity she has left. Susan is just stressed," he tried to reason.

"What would you have had me do?"

"I don't know. Either we respect Kerry's wishes, or save Abby's sanity, take your pick. Either will prove disastrous,"

"Kerry had Abby's best interests at heart. She covered her tracks pretty well, but no one can cover tracks well enough to hide this."

"Either way this goes, find Hernandez and get her into Abby's room,"

"I don't think there is an 'either way'. And it may be difficult to get Hernandez at the moment."

"Fine. You tell Abby then! If you don't, someone will," he glared and walked out.

"Luka, get back in here now. I need to have a word with you."

"We have worked for two months to get Abby back! Kerry has done an ungodly amount to help, Abby trusts her, Abby responds to her, Abby is going to know when something happens"

"In which case, Kerry's late partner's sister in law, Leslie Hernandez, is quite likely to make your life a living hell. Let it go, Luka, spreading word will do more harm than good."

"She can do all she wants.. She's not here to help me,"

"Fine. You know what? Do whatever damage you see fit, not as though you'd let anything stop you from it. Just be sure you're there to pick up the pieces of whatever or whomever you break."

Abby heard the door open and had three guesses who it would be. Susan and Luka, more doctors, or the nurse.

It was Susan though, just Susan. "Abby, hey, sorry we left you for a moment there."

"Its fine, I don't need a babysitter,"

"Okay," Susan was struck by the words, not quite sure how to respond.

"Why are you hiding something from me Susan?" she whispered but didn't look at her friend.

"Because someone was hiding something from all of us up till now."

That caught Abby of guard, she had not expected that. "What?"

"I knew something was up, but didn't know what exactly."

"Tell me!"

"Abby, it's um... Kerry. She... I-"

Abby felt her heart rate pick up, she was right, something had happened. "What?"

"Septic. Doesn't look good."

She didn't say anything for a while, just looked at Susan. "what happened?"

"She was-" Susan was quickly cut off by a British voice directly behind her.

"There was a car wreck. She faired pretty badly, made it out of surgery, and it looked like she was going to make it, but she developed a post operative infection. Some idiot nurse didn't do their job, didn't bring it to anyone's attention, and the meds Kerry was on kept her from noticing anything was off until it had developed into sepsis. We can't seem to treat it effectively," she was quite honest about most of it.

Susan closed her eyes, yet another lie Abby was being fed, and Susan was the one who would have hell to pay once the truth came out. "Abby.." but once again she was interrupted.

"What do you mean about not treating it effectively? And when was the crash? How did it happen? Who the hell operated?" ask enough questions and someone would trip over whatever they weren't being honest over.

"Abby listen to me okay? Its not good at all right now, I want you to prepare yourself," Susan tried to calm her friend down.

"Just out with it."

"I'm sorry Abby," Susan didn't know what to do, tell Abby or not.

"Elizabeth, Susan, one of you tell me, now."

"Abby, if you want to leave in three days, you need to rest. Dr. Lewis, may I speak with you outside?" Elizabeth tired to hide the anger.

"I'll rest after you tell me whatever it is you're hiding."

"I'll be back to check on you in a while. Dr. Lewis?" Elizabeth said one more time before making her exit.

"Susan?"

"Abby, please.." Susan shook her head, not able to finish the sentence, she stood up and began walking away.

"Fine. If no one'll tell me, I'll find out somehow."

Susan ignored the comment and walked out into the hall, joining Luka and Elizabeth. "This is wrong,"

"My story wasn't far from the truth, just about the wreck, and the flu wasn't going to cover it anymore."

"She knows Elizabeth, she knows. And I just lost her trust,"

"Not if you play your hand well."

Susan thought about it. "But I wont do it anymore."

"Fine, do what you will, but leave me out of it."

"Oh no! You're in as deep as the rest of us now!"

"I don't see it that way. I respected a patient's wishes, nothing more."

Susan shook her head. "You don't get it. Abby knows you were lying to her, she isn't going to let you touch her, examine her anymore until you apologize. And that's if she's being nice,"

"I won't apologize for keeping patient confidentiality."

"Then you're going to have a hell of a time dealing with another patient,"

"So you're telling me to put one above the other?"

"No absolutely not. I'm just warning you to be prepared." Susan said, knowing exactly the wrath they were all about to face.

"Fine."

"Fine what Elizabeth?" Susan shouted after the surgeon.

"Remember, do no harm," Elizabeth called over her shoulder. Susan bit back the urge to yell profanities after the icy Brit, then looked around for Luka.

"What do we do?" She whispered, seeing him looking in at Abby.

"Does she disbelieve the new lie?"

"She might have bought it at first, but Elizabeth dragged me out of there so fast.. Abby has to know."

"That Kerry's septic, yes. And that she's going to die, that too, but she doesn't need to know about the operation. One detail, she might believe it."

"Are we willing to risk it Luka?" if he said yes, then Susan would go along with it, didn't mean she agreed with the decision, but would comply.

"The story's plausible, and I don't see what good the whole truth would do."

"Okay then."

"Do you want to talk with her, or should I?"

"Its your turn Luka, I can't be in there right now,"

"Go home, get some sleep."

"Ha. Yeah. Page me if you make it out alright?" she didn't wait for a response, but instead walked down the hallway away from everyone else. Needing to be by herself right then.

Luka opened the door to Abby's room, but knocked on the door frame before entering. Abby looked up at him, but didn't say anything just nodded that it was okay for him to enter. "You want to talk?"

"What's the point?" he could tell by her voice that she had probably been crying.

"It helps sometimes."

"Not anymore,"

"Do you have any questions? Would you rather I stay or go?"

"Why do you two keep things hidden from me? I've told you time and time again not to. What do I have to do to get through? You and Susan are wanting me to talk about what happened, but how can I do that, when you two won't say everything that is happening? I'm not even certain I remember everything Luka, do you know how scary that is? And then to add to it, the people I think would at least fill in the blanks decide certain things are necessary to skip over?"

"We didn't know what had happened, Abby. Not until just now. Susan was the one who figured out where she was. She told us the story that we told you, didn't want anyone to know."

"I wish I was stupid enough to believe that Luka,"

"I swear to God, Abby. I didn't know, or Susan. We thought something might be up, but we didn't know."

"Okay. Well that might be part of the truth, so I suggest that if you don't want to tell me the whole story, that you leave,"

"What do you think I am omitting?"

Abby shrugged her shoulders. "I don't know Luka,"

"What do you think I'm lying about?"

"I don't want to play this game Luka. Tell me or don't, I.." she shook her head.

"You think we'd lie about the sepsis, tell you she was going to die if it weren't true?"

She looked up at him and at first Luka was sure she was probably about to scream at him, but she only whispered. "It wasn't a car accident,"

"So what if it wasn't? End result's the same."

"Unless I caused it," she sucked in a deep breath, she knew exactly what happened. "Please leave me alone Luka, okay?" he noticed she didn't demand it anymore, requested it. And it scared him.

"I'll go for now, but you didn't cause any of this."

"I did Luka, I shouldn't have taken it," he caught her voice crack.

"It was her choice as much as, if not more than, yours." Abby shook her head, not knowing what to say. Hell, at this point she didn't even know what to think anymore. "You want me to leave? I'll see you later." She didn't respond, didn't even turn her head as Luka walked out the door.

Abby decided she was not going to wait around for Susan and Luka to come clean. She was going to find out where Kerry was. Carefully she made her way out of the room and headed left, hoping it was in the right direction. One of the rooms, not far down the hall, caught her attention. Only one with the shades drawn so no one could see inside. Standing just outside it, she could hear the eerie, all too familiar sound of a ventilator. Instantly she knew she had found Kerry, it was just that feeling one gets every once in a while. Slowly she made her way over, couldn't walk to fast, she had figured that much out. Once she was certain no one was looking, and after listening for footsteps inside the room, Abby opened the door just enough to get through, and went in.

"Abby," the soft voice scared her, she hadn't noticed the surgeon standing in the corner. Abby opened her mouth to speak, but nothing came out. She was the epitome of the 'deer in the headlights' cliché. "Abby, go back to bed,"

"Why? The nurses keep pestering me that I need to get up and move around."

"Leave Abby, go walk, just leave this room,"

"Why?"

"You know why," she began as a nurse entered the room. "Could you please see Dr. Lockhart back to her room?" Elizabeth asked the nurse.

"No. I won't go. And I don't know why. I know what happened, what harm is seeing the collateral damage going to do when I already know?"

"You are not under any circumstances supposed to be in this room." Elizabeth was desperately hoping that Susan and Luka would come through that door at any moment.

"I know the truth, why keep hiding it?"

The nurse stepped forward, believing what she was saying was helpful. "Because you need your rest, because you don't need to see this,"

"I'm a doctor, I'm used to seeing this. And I'm sick of being shielded." She hated it, hated everything right then and it only got worse as the monitors began getting louder and louder.

"She's getting worse. Why aren't you doing anything? She's not DNR."

"Abby," Elizabeth shook her head, really not wanting Abby to have to witness this.

"I'm not going. Don't bother making me."

"I will call security,"

"Treat her. Do something. She's getting tachy. You can fix that."

"We can't Abby, we've tried everything.." Elizabeth tried to sound convincing.

"She's allergic to penicillin derivatives?"

"Yes." 'Fuck' Elizabeth was screaming at herself, wondering if she could go through with her threat and have Abby forcibly removed from the room.

"So give them to her with a shit load of epi."

""It won't work, Abby. She'll go into anaphylactic shock. You think adding that to septic shock will improve her odds?"

"Better to try something than do nothing."

"What you're suggesting might only kill her faster."

"You think she wants to linger like that?"

"So you're suggesting euthanasia?"

"I'm suggesting some sort of something. Anything."

"Nothing will improve her situation."

"Why do you want me out of here?"

"She didn't want-"

"Didn't want anyone to know, least of all me, but it's too late for that. I know, and that can't be changed. And I don't think she'd want to die alone."

"She wont Abby, I promise you," Elizabeth approached her and reached out to put her hand on Abby's shoulder.

But Abby sidestepped and jerked her shoulder away. "What? You'll have some nurse stay with her? Someone she never knew?"

"I'm here Abby, I'm staying,"

"So am I."

"I cant let you," she turned to grab the phone. She had to respect Kerry's wishes, Abby was not supposed to be in that room, regardless of the situation.

"She didn't want anyone to know, that was her priority. Now that the cat's out of the bag, there's no harm in me staying."

"Don't fight me on this Abby, please don't" she didn't want to say, I have the power and you don't, but she was having a hard time holding her tongue.

"Me staying now wouldn't be against her wishes. What harm would it do?"

After a moment or two had passed, and neither of the arguing doctors had noticed, the nurse felt obligated to speak up, "Asystole," the patient had been in fibrillation for barely the blink of an eye before deteriorating to nothing.

"Elizabeth please!" Abby begged.

"Hold CPR," Elizabeth said to the nurse, who had scrambled over to the gurney.

"No!" Abby was in tears, and tried to push past Elizabeth, she had to do something, anything.

"Don't, Abby. What's the point in bringing her back to linger for another half hour before she does it again?"

"Get off!" she was hysterical, this was not happening, it was a horrible nightmare.

"This is the third time she's crashed, Abby. There's no point."

"No, no," she kept crying, but didn't struggle against Elizabeth anymore.

"She's gone. She didn't die alone." Abby didn't answer, was just there. She didn't know what to feel, they had lied to her again, the only person she actually trusted had just died. Fuck them, fuck everything.

"Time of death …." Abby didn't want to listen, she felt her knees give way, thankfully the chair was right behind her, catching her. She stared straight ahead, what was she supposed to do now?


	22. Withdrawl

"You alright?" Abby didn't answer, she actually didn't even hear the surgeon talking to her. Her mind had drifted far away from that hospital room.

"Abby, ground control to Abby, snap out of it." Susan had warned Elizabeth, had said Abby would act differently if something were to happen, she was right. Abby was not even looking at her anymore. "Please, say something. Abby, c'mon"

"Dr. Corday. Do you need me to get her anything?" the nurse whispered seeing what was playing out.

"Help me get her to her room."

"Gurney or a wheelchair?"

"Wheelchair."

The nurse nodded and ran out of the room, returning quickly with the equipment, wondering just exactly how they were going to get Abby to cooperate. While right now she was not arguing, who knew what she would be like once they made contact with her.

"Can you get yourself into the wheelchair, Abby?" No answer, no nothing.

"What about Dr. Lewis or Dr. Kovac?" the nurse suggested.

"I'm not sure what sort of terms they're on."

"Hernandez?" the nurse was a little apprehensive about moving Abby right then.

"No, she's busy with Henry."

"Dr. Lockhart?" the nurse tried and reached over to touch her arm, trying to get a sense of what her mental status might be.

"Abby, lets get you back to your room okay?" Elizabeth suggested and reached to help Abby up.

"Don't touch me," she whispered.

"Abby, please."

She didn't answer for a few moments, "I don't want to go to my room, I want to go home," she didn't even look up.

"In a day or two."

"Now,"

"I won't discharge you."

"I don't need your permission,"

"You need somebody's."

"No I don't, I can leave AMA, you have no reason to keep me here, nothing you can keep me on," her tone was unusually calm, flat, weird.

"We'll see."

"No! You can not keep me here," she suddenly stood up, pushed past Elizabeth and began walking towards the door. "I'm leaving."

"Like hell you are."

"What? There is nothing you can do. You can't stop me!" she shouted back, and opened the door.

"Want to bet?"

"Fine! Go ahead and try!" she said and disappeared into the hallway. Lizzie quickly picked up he phone and called security, gave them the latest information, then paged Luka and Susan to the hospital, figuring it would be easier to deal with them face to face.

"You cant really hold her here can you Dr. Corday?" the nurse asked.

"I can try."

"I'm not siding with anyone here," she said as they walked out of the room. "But on what basis?"

"You saw her a moment ago. And I'm sure with all the media attention, you at least have an idea of what's happened."

"She never verbalized any intent, she just said that she wants to leave."

"What do you want to bet that there is intent though?"

"I'm sure there is one, but how are you going to prove that?"

"I only need to detain her until Kovac or Lewis show up,"

"You're going to hold her against her will then?"

"I'm stalling."

"How much longer?" The nurse peered into Abby's room. "Because she's already gone,"

"Then go help security look for her."

"And what exactly are Dr. Lewis and Dr. Kovac going to be able to do once they get here?"

"Most likely, get her to verbalize intent."

"Not something she's likely to fall for," the nurse said.

"We'll see," she mumbled as the nurse walked away.

"Dr. Corday?" she looked up to see a security guard walking towards her, twenty minutes after she had first conacted them.

"You've found her?"

"Yes," he nodded towards the elevator indicating he wanted her to follow. "She's not to happy,"

"I can't say I wonder why."

"She's trying to fight off my men,"

"Right then. Just try to get her to her room."

"And then what?"

"Keep her there until her friends arrive."

His radio suddenly came to life, and after a brief listen. "They're here," he nodded towards the elevators.

"Her room, stat. I'll meet everyone there in a moment." The guard didn't say anything to rushed off to meet his men.

Abby didn't resist them by the time they had dragged her into the elevator, their grip on her arm was tight, there was no point in fighting them anymore.

"Dr. Lockhart?" one of them spoke and she snapped out of it, realizing that she was back in her room. She pushed them aside and went and sat on the chair near the window, letting her mind wander. Not caring anymore. She never heard Susan, Luka, or Elizabeth enter a good half hour later.

"Abby, hey..." Susan mumbled, unsure of what else to say.

"She has not said a word since we picked her up," the security guard whispered to them.

"So I'm guessing you don't want to talk."

"I want to know why I can't leave," her voice was barely above a whisper, yet she never looked away from the window.

"The deal was three days, right?" Elizabeth said.

"Why did you send security after me?"

"Because it hasn't been three days."

"I want to leave, fuck three days, its been two, I'm fine," she wasn't yelling, her voice was soft, neutral, it only scared the doctors.

"I'd rather be sure that you'll be fine."

"I will be, please sign me out, you do it or I will,"

"How do I know that you will be?"

"I'm a doctor, I know what to look for. If anything happens, I'll come back,"

"I'd like to believe that."

"You can believe what you wish, but you cannot keep me here any longer,"

"Dr. Lewis, Dr. Kovac, you and Abby can chat a bit while I look into paperwork," she stepped out.

"What are you going to try and convince me of now?" Abby asked once Elizabeth was gone.

"Nothing. We don't know anything, so there's not much to convince you of. Elizabeth paged us stat. That's all either of us knows."

"Kerry died about an hour ago," she said softly.

"It's not a surprise, Abby. You knew her status. It's not good, but it's not a surprise," Luka said calmly.

Abby shook her head, this was her fault, if only she had known. "It had nothing to do with you, Abby. Some nurse decided not to bother with vitals, some tool wasn't sterile, it was a lot of bad luck."

"Seems to be a trait that wont go away huh?"

"What would you rather I say?"

"That Elizabeth isn't really going to do what she says she's going to do,"

"What is it she said she's going to do?"

"She's trying to keep me here, she sent security after me,"

"Maybe she had a decent reason. Maybe she's going after discharge paperwork?"

"I don't think that's it, and she has no reason. She's mad because I walked in when she was with Kerry and I refused to leave,"

"You shouldn't have gone in there, but I don't think that was it. I don't think she's mad at you."

"Then why wont she let me leave? Why did she send security after me?"

"Because you're not really in a condition to leave."

"She thinks I'm going to try something," Abby said rather bluntly, yet still not making eye contact with the other two, had yet to look at them.

"What sort of something," Susan asked, not liking the direction it seemed to be going.

"Why else would she try and get a hold Susan?" once again her voice lacked tone, derived of emotion.

"Maybe she's just worried about you."

"I'm okay," she said after a while. But Susan and Luka could tell just by her body language, the way she was speaking that she was regressing, going back to how it was at County, withdrawing from them. Not good. Maybe Elizabeth was right?

"Give us a little piece of mind?"

"What for? Its not like anyone is going to believe what I say,"

"Try me."

"No." was her only response. She was giving up, and Susan knew it.

"Dr. Lewis, Dr. Kovac," it was Elizabeth who had just stepped back into the room. "I need to speak with you privately," she said rather sternly and then she left again. Abby didn't so much as look over as Elizabeth spoke, didn't move as Luka and Susan followed the surgeon out.

"What? What happened now? Aside from... You know..."

"I need you to get her to admit there is an intent," no need beating around the bush.

"So you're using us to do that?"

"Yes. We all know its there. Don't protect her by pretending you don't see it,"

"We won't, but wouldn't calling someone from psych down be wiser?"

"Hernandez isn't here, and I doubt sending someone else in there at the moment will do much good,"

"Fine." As Susan and Luka turned to head back towards Abby's room, they saw her door suddenly close, and then the sound of it locking.

"She didn't just..."

"Abby!" Luka rushed over began pounding on the door. "Abby, open the door!"

"Please, Abby," Susan tried a bit less angrily, but knowing it wouldn't likely work.

"Abby open this door!" Luka shouted louder, worried about what could be happening. "Damn it!" he said realizing she wasn't listening.

"Isn't there some sort of master key?"

"Have to call security again," Elizabeth said

"So do."

"Well while I'm doing that, think of a plan," Elizabeth ran off.

"Will do if can do."

"Abby, come on, please" Susan pleaded, scared.

"No."

Susan let out the breath she didn't know she was holding, they had gotten Abby to talk. "Why? Abby, we just want to help, please hon,"

"No."

"Security is coming with the key, so either you open it or they will,"

"We'll see," they heard what was probably a chair being wedged under the door knob.

"Abby, don't do this. You don't want this. You're supposed to go home soon.." Susan said as the security guard approached, Elizabeth leading the way.

"Yeah right."

"Unlock the door Abby," Elizabeth warned one more time.

"Why?"

Susan didn't bother to answer, she turned to the nurse "page Dr. Hernandez now."

"Can't. She's not on call."

Susan shook her head and stopped trying to resist the tears. "You have a potentially suicidal patient in that room, her only confident just died.."

"And the physician you're asking me to page is currently watching said confidant's son. What would you like her to do with him?"

"Just get someone in there before something happens!"

"Security will bring the key."

"Its here," the security guard stepped forward and put the key into the lock. The lock came open, but the door didn't. Chair thing actually worked, go figure.

"Abby! Stop this now, and let us in!" Susan screamed as they continued to try and maneuver their way into her room.

"No."

"Please Abby," another two security guards had joined.

"Why should I?"

"Do you want to go home in a day or two?"

"Not like you'll let me now."

"So stop this right now and I'll see what I can do," Susan watched as the guards seemed to finally figure out how to move the chair away.

"You won't. You want a hold."

"And how is this helping your case?"

"You're not denying it."

"I don't want you on a hold Abby," she was honest, she didn't want Abby on a psyche hold, but she needed her on one.

"But you're going to put me on one."

"So why are you locking yourself in your room?" Susan tried to remain calm as the guards suddenly pushed through the door and into her room.

"Fuck off."

"No Abby, not now,"

"Fuck you."

"Abby please, just let us help you, that's all. You need help"

"Yeah right. Up yours."

"Okay then," Susan shook her head and stood up. "Page psyche get someone in here now," she said it loud enough on purpose.

"You don't have privileges here. And it's after hours, go."

"But I do," Elizabeth spoke up.

"I won't talk."

"It wont help you any Abby,"

"Neither will you."

"No, but I can try and stop you from hurting yourself,"

"I won't."

"I think you will,"

"Why?"

"I have my reasons, and I have enough witnesses to back me up,"

"Why would I?"

"Why don't you answer that for us?"

"I'm asking you. I say I won't."

"I wish I could say I believed you, if you weren't going to try anything, why locking the door, or trying to leave AMA?"

"Screw you then. Screw you, screw Luka, screw Elizabeth, screw Kerry, screw Stenton, screw the world."

"Okay, Abby," Elizabeth didn't quite smile, but was relieved, she had gotten enough information out of Abby to at least try for a hold. Instantly, Abby realized her misstep and clammed up.

"Elizabeth please, don't," she tried to backpedal hoping they would believe her.

"Don't what?"

"Don't get the hold"

"Why not?"

"I don't need one, I was just upset,"

"I see."

"Please Elizabeth, don't do this to me," Abby pleaded "Please.."

"What about doing it for you?"

"No!" she was crying now.

"Why not?"

"I want to go home, I want to be alone, I…"

"Which is exactly where you shouldn't be, from a clinical standpoint."

Abby turned to Susan and Luka, she had fucked up and now she couldn't talk her way out of this. "Susan..please..tell her."

"Tell her what, Abby? I'm inclined to agree with her." Abby shook her head, this was not happening to her. she couldn't do it anymore, if they so desperately wanted to believe that she was going to try and kill herself well then… "Why shouldn't I believe that she's right?" she didn't answer, there was no point in talking to them when they wouldn't listen. They had made up their minds, and so had she. "Fine, Abby. Good luck, I guess."

"How dare you Susan,"

"How dare I what?"

"Side with Elizabeth, not trust me, I thought you were my friend, I trusted you.."

"You haven't trusted anyone in a long time, Abby."

"You're wrong, I did."

"When? Because I never saw it."

"Then you must be blind, I'm not going to be able to change your minds I give up alright?" she took a deep breath and closed her eyes, she was going to be true to her word, she gave up.

"You give up? You're done just like that?"

"Yes, I'm done."

"Psych isn't," she walked straight to Corday, "She said enough for your hold." Abby heard Susan, heard Luka, and heard Corday all discussing how to proceed with her now, what to do next.


	23. Attempting

The last time Abby had spoken a word to anyone was the day Kerry had died, now nearly four days ago. She refused to eat or drink. They could easily give her fluids through the IV but she still had to eat. But what worried Susan, Elizabeth and Luka the most was that Abby didn't even fight them anymore.

Abby couldn't even think straight now, she was mad at Kerry especially. For not telling her, for dying, for saving her life that night. Kerry had moved on, and Abby was stuck. People had been in and out, prodding her, verbally and physically, just wouldn't leave her be. Hernandez had shown up and was usually pestering her, but at the moment Abby was alone. She blinked and sat up, looking around the room, lots of opportunities. She got up and locked the door, knowing they would still get in, but stalling always helped. Her life was hell, she hated it, couldn't deal with it any longer. She quickly grabbed an unwrapped plastic tube and tore off the packaging. She didn't hesitate the plastic was strong, it would have to work. She made a noose and put it around her neck, pulling it tight, and started counting down, it was almost over.

Something... Someone was pounding at the door. Familiar voice, vaguely familiar, maybe one of her nurses. But she couldn't move, her body wouldn't allow that, the last thing she was aware of was hearing whoever the voice belonged to, order that the key was needed ASAP.

Why was she in the ER? Her ER... The one at County, but they'd painted a bit... The lighting seemed a bit dim though, and the place was virtually abandoned. This was beyond weird, she didn't remember coming back to the ER. Slowly she walked forward towards the admit desk, when she saw the familiar figure.

"Kerry?"

Kerry turned toward Abby, the PA she'd been chatting with went off to do... something. "What the hell are you doing here, Abby?"

"I don't know! I was at Mercy and then suddenly I'm here!" she decided to ignore a certain aspect. Kerry arched an eyebrow, she was less than inclined to believe that Abby had mysteriously shown up. It didn't work that way. "Does it matter? I'm here now!"

"Yeah, it does matter. You're not supposed to be here."

"Can't change it now,"

"You probably still can. And you'd better, unless you'd like to spend eternity doing scutt work."

"No I'm not going back,"

"And staying here accomplishes what, exactly?"

"Better then being there, alive!"

"Not really. There's nothing for you here. And from what Gant's said, after a suicide, this place isn't pleasant."

"Then its hell anyway, and this one seems a lot fucking better,"

"This isn't hell. But it will be for you if you don't get your ass back to Mercy."

"No, I won't,"

"Why not? What's staying here going to accomplish?"

"I'm not going back, they're probably about to give up anyway!"

"Suit yourself, I suppose. But this place is endless, whatever reality you've come into, it's perpetual. For some of us, it's not bad. For others, it is. Back at Mercy, you have a choice, you can escape your hell, here, there's no escape from whatever you've come into."

"You think I want to keep living Kerry?"

"I don't think you'll want to face what you get if you stay here."

Abby shook her head, "Have they found me?"

"They're working on you now."

"How bad?" not like she cared, but if she kept talking to Kerry, eventually the trauma team would give up, call it, and she wouldn't have a choice.

"Could go either way."

"Am I breathing?"

"You're being bagged, but your body would probably still breathe on its own." she suddenly felt the need to take in a huge breath of air, they must have cut off the tube that had been around her neck

"I don't want this Kerry, I can't go back,"

"Why's that? Why can't you? Nothing I'm aware of is preventing you from doing so."

"I don't want to deal with it anymore. I don't know who else helped Stenton, what if he comes back, what if Stenton escapes?"

"You'll have to deal with him if you stay here too."

"No, I wont, I wont have to deal with this ever again!"

"If you stay here, when he dies, he'll come here. He'll be a patient here. If you go back, move on, you'll never have to deal with him on this plane."

"When are they going to call me?" She said, refusing to listen to what Kerry was telling her.

"I can see the present in your plane, not the future. You've got a heartbeat."

"How long have they been working?"

"About fifteen minutes."

"If I go back.. Will there be any damage?"

"You'll have a bruise on your neck, take about a month to fade completely."

"That's it though? Nothing else?"

"No brain damage, if that's what you're worried about."

"How long do I have to decide?"

"Time's a bit different here, I'm still adjusting so my estimate may be off. It'll feel like anywhere from five minutes to half an hour."

"What do I have there? No matter where I go to work, people will know who I am what happened to me, Susan and Luka hate me, Stenton's buddy is still out there.."

"Susan and Luka don't hate you. They're worried sick about you. They are a bit mad at me though. Speaking of which, they didn't know, cut them some slack."

"And another thing! I'm sick of being lied to, shielded. Protected, they can kiss my ass, Susan put me on a psyche hold, Luka…"

"They didn't know they were lying about that. The only people who knew were Ansphaugh, Hernandez, and my ex husband."

"Why didn't you tell me Kerry? I trusted you to tell me everything that was going on!"

"It wasn't about keeping it from you. I didn't want anyone to know."

"Didn't want me to know that you were giving me your kidney?"

"No one was supposed to find out."

"The only person I trusted just died, I'm staying here,"

"Listen to me, Abby, and listen good. There's nothing for you here. Go back, and you can get on with your life."

"No," she said flatly, more stubborn then ever. It's not just that she didn't want to live, it was that she didn't want to face Hernandez, Susan and Luka when she woke up.

"You're worried about what they'll think?"

"How did you…?"

"The story's long, dull, and completely irrelevant. There are more pertinent issues to focus on."

"They'll take my license after a suicide attempt,"

"They can't over just this."

"It's not just this Kerry, its everything, Susan thinks I've gone nuts, she's mad because I refuse to eat or drink or talk to them, they don't understand. You don't understand, I don't want to live any longer."

"While I understand the sentiment, don't stay here. Not now. Go back at least long enough to clean things up for when it's your time."

"Which is when?" Kerry had said she had five to thirty minutes to make up her mind, they had been talking to close for twenty, if she could just keep stalling..

"I'm not gifted with precognition."

"Then why do you keep telling me everything will work out, I'll be fine?"

"Enough life experience to have a decent hunch."

"No, it's that simple. Please Kerry.."

"What?"

"Just agree with me, just say its fine if I stay here, if I give up,"

"As far as I can see, it's not fine."

"Why not?"

"Clearly not for reasons you'd understand."

"Believe it or not, I have thought about this, it wasn't something I did just on a whim,"

"I realize that, but if you're looking for justification or approval over this, you'll be sorely disappointed."

"What's done is done, the end result is soon to come,"

"C'est la mort. Au revoir, I've got things I need to do."

"Wait! What the hell.. How do I do this, where do I go?"

"To go back, you will it to be. To stay, you just do. Go where you want, it's your call, not mine."

"How long has it been since.."

"In their time, it'll be another minute or so until they call time of death. Here, it'll probably seem like about three."

"If I decide to go back, how long will it be before I wake up?" question seemed odd, but Abby had her reasons, and hell if she was even considering going back, at least there was a chance.

"That's up to you."

"Kerry! I have no idea what I'm doing!" she wanted to scream at her at anyone. But she had to make a choice, she probably had about thirty seconds left before they called it.

"It's rare that anyone does."

"Fine, but Kerry, if anything else happens and I come here and I get a choice, no more guilt trip!"

"Your actions are entirely yours, Abby. Guilt trips only work if there's some part of you that wants to let them."

She felt suddenly as if her lungs were on fire, had they stopped bagging her? It had been a minute, Kerry was right.. So technically couldn't she be right that she could get past Stenton?

"If you want to go back, this is your last chance, right now. Stay or go." Abby barely had time to think about it, when suddenly Kerry's image started to fade, the ER soon also faded away. She was vaguely aware of familiar voices around her.

"Abby, you can do this" she heard Elizabeth's voice saying to her, she heard the sound of monitors suddenly stop screaming, showing that her SATS were improving. She wanted to say or do something, get them to be quiet at least for a moment, but couldn't force her eyes open, couldn't will her body to move. She was breathing though, and she could feel her heart pounding.

"Abby?" she heard Susan that time, she sounded like she was crying. She was obviously realized that Abby was not going to open her eyes, because Abby felt Susan grab her hand and squeeze it hard, really hard. Tight enough that if Abby was aware enough, Susan knew she would pull away. "Can someone page Dr. Hernandez?" Susan asked spoke after a moment of silence.

"We can't. She's not on call."

"I don't care. Do it anyhow."

"Susan, Abby probably won't regain consciences for hours," Luka began. "Hernandez does not need to be here right now," and then he added under his breath. "Not like she's been much help anyway"

"Shove it, Luka. I don't care if she's on call or not, call her and tell her to get her ass down here."

"Susan! Has it not occurred to you that Abby does not respond to her! Abby does not respond to anyone anymore:"

"Then why are you here? Why haven't you given up and left? On some level, you know she still does. Barely."

"Who? Look at her Susan!" he pointed to Abby "the psychiatrist couldn't even prevent this!"

"So go deal with someone who you think can be helped, Luka. Go back to County, make sure Morris doesn't kill anyone."

"I'm not leaving you Susan, not to deal with this by yourself,"

"No, wouldn't want you to think you were wasting your time."

"I'm not thinking that, Abby is going to be out for a while, let's just go get ourselves together before she.."

"Go on your own, Luka. I'm staying."

He didn't say anything for a while, just looked at Susan, then at Abby and finally back at Susan. "Page Dr. Hernandez," he nodded towards a nurse. The nurse did as she was told, knowing that if she reached Hernandez, the doctor would be less than thrilled.

She paged, and within a few minutes, the doctor answered. The nurse answered and quickly turned to Susan, handing the phone off.

"Leslie.." Susan began. As she watched Elizabeth retake Abby's vitals. "She did it, she.. Abby, she found some wires or tubes or something.." her voice was cracking.

"She's obviously still alive. How long was she down?"

"We lost the pulse for five minutes, just got it back. No idea how long she was down before we got to her. Please, just try and talk with her, to her. I know she hasn't spoken to anyone in days, but maybe now.." she said hopefully, still worried sick about Abby.

"We'll see. I'll need to do a neuro check on her. Probably no damage, but it's impossible to be sure."

"The problem is, will she let you?" it didn't matter now, Abby didn't have a choice.

"We'll see."

"I'm not trying to cut in on your off time, but any idea when you can get here?"

"I don't know. That depends on how quickly I can find someone to watch... You already know about Kerry, or so I've been told. Would you be willing to keep an eye on Henry while I take care of Abby?"

"Yes absolutely, he has to be easier to deal with then Abby,"

"He's loud, cranky, confused, and he misses... you know, he's a handful and then some. Good luck. I'll be there in half an hour."

"Thank you Leslie," Susan said and handed off the phone before going back to Abby. "She's okay right Elizabeth?" she asked the surgeon, the one who had actually found Abby.

"Probably."

"Any idea when she'll wake up," Susan gave up and let a few tears fall as she saw the red mark circling her best friend's neck.

"No."

Susan looked up at the surgeon, she looked just as upset as Susan, but was hiding it much better. "You were right Elizabeth, you knew exactly what she was planning,"

"Not exactly, but vaguely."

"You walked in on her, how, I mean.. Talk about timing,"

"It's an experience I'd rather not repeat."

"Was she.. Did she know you were there? Or had she already lost.." she moved a stray strand of hair away from Abby's face. "Never mind, you don't have to answer that,"

"It doesn't matter, Susan. She's alive. There won't be any lasting damage."

"Physical at least,"

"I'm a surgeon, that was how I meant it."

Susan nodded and thought about what to say next. "Do you think we did what was right for her?"

"I don't think you have the luxury of second guessing yourself."

"I know I don't, but I cant help to think, for some reason I just cant convince myself that we did what was right for Abby, For us, yes, but not for her,"

"You can't think that, not now."

"She's miserable Elizabeth and no matter what we do, somehow everything turns out bad, She told me earlier that she didn't hope anymore because she knew every potential good thing, would have a negative outcome,"

"I'm going to have to ask you to stop with this train, or dwell on your thoughts alone, Susan."

"Sorry.. Are you going to send her to ICU?"

"No. To a lockdown ward. She's stable enough for it."

"Yeah." Susan glanced at the monitors, Abby was technically fine, she just had to wake up. "She's not going to be to happy."

"I'm aware of that."

"What I'm worried about is that Abby wont give up until she succeeds," she said as she watched Abby turn her head away, beginning to wake up.

"I don't see what choice there is but to wait and see."

"You obviously don't know Abby that well, she never gives up, she.." Susan stopped suddenly, what Abby had told her days before rang in her mind. How Abby told her that she had given up, wouldn't do it anymore, and boy had she proven herself right. "Come on Abby, time to wake up," Susan said seeing Abby moving more and more. "Open your eyes hon.,"

Abby shook her head oh so slightly. Was the fight back?

"Why not?" Susan tried not to sound excited. "I think you should Abby, you know rejoin our world," The headshake she got in response was a little more vigorous. "Well you're going to have to open your eyes sooner or later, pretty soon Hernandez is going to be shining that bright pen light into your eyes, you know how fun that is." Abby didn't move except to extend the middle finger of her left hand. "Very mature Dr. Lockhart, but now after what you just pulled, cant say I didn't expect it. So how about cooperating with us now, and letting us help you, because frankly there is no way in hell you're getting out of here until you do,"

Abby made a fist with one hand, then extended her index and middle fingers together, and her thumb. She brought her thumb to the knuckles of the two other fingers while they remained straight, crudely signing, 'no.'

"That's your choice, but you will not leave this hospital, until you agree to let someone help you, until you tell what happened that night, and until you admit that you need help," Susan said as Hernandez walked in. "Dr. Hernandez is here and I know she agrees with me, so I suggest you start to work with her," she squeezed Abby's hand one more time, then stood up and walked over to Leslie, taking Henry from her arms.


	24. Sedate Me

"Abby, it's me," Hernandez said as Susan left with the restless child. All she got was the same finger Susan had received. "Yeah, well. Not the first time I've seen that."

"Go," she spoke for the first time in four days, but still did not open her eyes.

"Hah, no."

"You can't help me,"

"Okay."

"Then why are you here? Besides your obligation,"

"Irritating thing called the Hippocratic oath."

"First do no harm correct, then how come they saved my life, why are you keeping me here?"

"Because their definition of harm seems to differ from yours."

"Yeah and what about yours?" as she became more aware, she felt the burning around her neck and brought her hand up to rub it. Stupid idea, trying to strangle herself, should have gone with something else. "I don't need you,"

"That's right. You don't need me. Hypothetically no one needs anyone or anything, but the results of this complete independence can be disastrous."

"And I care because…" she was mentally cursing herself for choosing to come back. "If I cared about the implications of being totally independent, I don't think I would have tried to kill myself Dr. Hernandez,"

"I'm not saying you should care. I'm just commenting."

"I don't want to hear your comments; I don't want to hear you, or anyone else for that matter. So do whatever you're planning to do, then leave me the fuck alone,"

"Doing what I plan on doing and leaving you alone aren't compatible."

"I'm fine, you're going to lock me up, I can't hurt myself there. Give up," she tried to roll over onto her side, but quickly realize that whoever had taken care of her, had connected monitors and wires and that the slightest pull she felt as if either they were either going to rip out, or fall.

"I don't give up."

"Neither did I, not until all this,"

"Well, if you're planning to give up, that's your business, but I'm not all that keen on letting you."

"Look, you can try all you want, you can say whatever you want, but I can guarantee you its been said to me before. My mind is made up, I will try again and again until I succeed," no point in denying it anymore.

"You'll have an interesting time trying much of anything in a lockdown ward."

"Watch me," Abby finally opened her eyes and looked at Hernandez. "You can not stop me; I will find a way,"

"Touché. We'll see. Good luck, I suppose."

Abby didn't say anything to her after that, just was there, thinking, how could she follow through on a threat if they decided to restrain her.

"I have to ask why you did what you did."

"You're kidding right?"

"No. It's one of the standard questions after a suicide attempt, and I'm too distracted to be creative."

"You don't need to be creative, I know you knew about who the donor was, and honestly I'm sick of everyone telling me it will get better, its been two and half months since that night, and its only gotten worse,"

"Yeah, I knew who the donor was. I got stuck babysitting. It's gotten worse so far, but a lot of times, things get worse before they get better."

"A lot of people would consider the night they were restrained, raped in a fucking closet by two men, stabbed and left for dead in the snow the worst night of their lives, and for a while I thought it was."

"And what changed that?"

"I survived, that's what changed. I wasn't supposed to live, I was supposed to die that night in the snow, I was supposed to have died long before Kerry got to me,"

"But you didn't. So, you can deal with that, or you can dwell."

"Or I can end it myself,"

"Advantages of doing that?"

"Why does it matter, you'll just argue against anything I have to say, try to persuade me that life is worth living, that I can work though this, that the world keeps turning, sun keeps shining,"

"Maybe I will, and maybe I won't, but at least give me the opportunity to make an intelligent counter statement."

"Go ahead then,"

"So, why did you do it?"

"Because I don't want to live like this any longer, because I haven't been outside a hospital in three months, because everyone treats me like I'm two years old, its nothing to do with what happened to me that night." lie, she just didn't want to talk about it, had yet to tell anyone all the details.

"I'm rather skeptical of that story."

"I don't doubt it"

"So why not tell me the truth?"

"What's the truth then? You've seen the news reports, you have my chart, you know what happened,"

"And from what I've heard, you've yet to tell a soul about it. Haven't even talked to the police yet."

"And nobody needs to know, its not their business how the events played out that night,"

"Okay. Fine."

"So how about you just take me to my room now, and then go back to wherever it was you came from,"

"No thanks."

"Why am I down here still then?"

"Because they were waiting for me to get here before they did anything."

"Well do whatever it is you need to do then, I want to sleep,"

"Too bad."

"Excuse me?" okay, now Hernandez was really starting to egg her on, she was talking, Abby didn't even realize how much information she was actually giving.

"You want to sleep, but for now, you don't get to."

"And why not?"

"Because no one gets what they want in life all of the time."

"Yeah no shit! I think sleep is a necessity though!"

"You've been getting quite a bit lately."

"Well just in case you've forgotten, in the past month, I've had heart surgery, oh yeah and four days ago a kidney transplant, forgive me if I'm exhausted," not to mention that she had just tried to kill herself.

"Suck it up and deal with it kid."

"What is your problem? I'm sorry, I'm tired, and if I want to sleep, then damn it I will,"

"Sure, you can sleep if you can drown out my blabbering."

"I've done so for the past four days,"

"Well, I'm in an exceptionally lousy mood, and when I'm not happy, I get long winded."

"What are you planning on lecturing me about then?"

"I haven't decided yet. Whatever feels relevant."

"How long are you planning on keeping me here?"

"I haven't decided yet."

"Long time then," she began, but was interrupted when a knock came at the door. A nurse pushed her way in, but as the door swung shut, Abby saw two cops right outside.

"Dr. Hernandez, can I speak with you privately?" the nurse asked, shooting Leslie a glare that meant you better get your ass out here.

"I'll be back in a moment, Abby. And yes, you're being watched. So don't try anything yet."

She stepped outside and ran straight into Luka and Susan, and then of course the two cops. "Please tell me you didn't tell Abby that things were going to start looking up."

"I told her life was tough, and sometimes it got better, and sometimes it got worse, and you'd better have an excellent reason for pulling me out of there."

"Stenton escaped," Luka said coolly. It was defiantly a good reason.

"When?"

"Sometime this morning, they just realized it, although I don't know how they could have missed it," Susan glared at the two cops.

"From which prison?"

"Cook County Jail,"

"Any idea where he might be?"

"They have no idea, do you officers? The most highly published criminal right now in the nation has escaped from prison and nobody has any idea as to where he is!"

"Have the press got wind?"

"They are all at County, I guess they still believe that's where Abby is, police are there also they think Stenton is dumb enough to actually come after her there,"

"I guess the foil's worked so far, but it may be good to move Abby again. Just in case. Mount Sinai, maybe."

"She's not going to let us do that,"

"We'll see."

"She's going to wonder why, we're going to have to tell her.."

"I'll tell her. That's fine."

"This couldn't have come at a worse time, they called me right before we found Abby,"

"Well, it's not like we have a choice of whether or not to deal with it."

"Good luck,"

"Might just need it this time."

"Do you want me to come with you?" Susan offered, handing a sleeping Henry over to Luka.

"Might be a good idea."

Susan nodded and swallowed as they walked back into the room, this was not going to go over well at all.

"Abby, there's been some news."

"Okay.." she kept her voice deprived of emotion, even though she didn't like how that sounded.

"It's about Stenton."

She felt her heart quicken, anxiety begin to build up and she began shaking her head. "No.." she was regretting her decision to live more and more. But then again, if she wanted to die so badly, why was she worried about Stenton coming back? Why was she scared of what he might do to her if she didn't want to live?

"He's out of prison. Escaped. Police will find him fairly easily, and this place is swarming with cops, including several undercover. He won't get to you."

"Oh God," she shook her head again and began shaking. "He's going to find me,"

"If he does, he'll be caught."

"No, you don't understand, you don't know what he said that night," Abby began detaching the leads attached, not really even thinking about it. Stenton was the only thing on her mind.

"Well, if he comes back for you, isn't that just what you want? What you claim to want?"

"No, not by his hand," Susan looked at Abby and then back at Hernandez, the doctor was good at what she did, she had easily got Abby to talk.

"So it's a control thing."

"I don't have any control over anything, please, you have to let me get out of here,"

"So you can take control by offing yourself?"

"I don't know!" she was scared shitless, her greatest fear had just become a reality, and then add to it, there was always the second person she had yet to identify who was still out there.

"Well, I have to know."

"Why! Its not like you can let me go anyway!"

"You don't know that. It'd be a tricky thing to do, getting the hold lifted, but it's not impossible."

"Like its going to happen after a suicide attempt!"

"It probably won't. Especially with your current attitude. But it doesn't have to get longer."

"My current attitude? What the fuck does it matter? He is coming back! He will find me, he will finish this, he will kill me!"

"If you want to die, does it really matter who does it? It's a loss of control, but with your desired end result."

"Yes it does! He wont make it fast, he'll hurt me again, drug me, keep me with him for hours, he'll repeat that night! Its what he told me!" Susan once again looked at Hernandez, Abby had spoken more about that night in that once sentence then she had in two months.

"Why do you believe him?"

"Why shouldn't I? I cannot afford not to believe him, so please let me go I have to get away," she was crying and Susan cautiously walked over and wrapped her arms around Abby.

"I can't do that."

"No, he'll find me, he'll kill me, he's smart, and I wont be surprised if he knows where I am."

"Want to be moved?"

"No, not again, I don't want to have explain everything all over again, I don't want to have to worry about trusting who is injecting me.."

"Well, you can't be released right now, so your choice is to stay here or to be transferred."

Abby put her head on Susan's shoulders, she honestly did not know what to do, how to proceed, where to even go. Stenton was smart enough not to go to County, he probably would find out somehow that she had been transferred. "He wont give up until he finds me, him or.." she closed her eyes and suddenly her mind flashed back to that night. She was as scared now as she had been then. If not more, she knew what he was capable of.

"There are probably more cops here than at the PD, Abby."

"Its not Stenton I'm worried about, he will get to me eventually, it's the other one, The one I can't remember, the one I can't protect myself against,"

"We say no visitors, there won't be any. We say only one nurse can get in, then that's how it is. You can be kept safe."

After a good five minutes of thinking about it, Abby realized she could not change their minds, if they wanted to believe that she could be kept safe, then let them. But she refused to be transferred, not again. "You said there was a lot of cops here, wouldn't that set off something,"

"Many are undercover. The rest are placed strategically, it won't be a problem."

"Susan.." she was crying hard. "Don't let him here, please," she begged of her best friend.

"I'll do what I can, Abby. You want me to stay here with you?" but her crying didn't calm down, she was literally shaking. In one day, she had tried to kill herself and failed miserably, and now the person who had tried to kill her was on the run. It was all to much. She felt Susan rubbing her back trying to soothe her, promising that she would do all she could to keep her safe, telling her it would be okay, she felt her grab the blanket from the bed and wrap it around her shoulders, and then pull her back to her body. She heard them talking to her, encouraging her to communicate with them, but she couldn't, she was just to scared.

"Abby, what can we do for you right now?" she wanted to yell at them to sedate her so that she wouldn't have to deal with this, so she could sleep one more time, before the nightmare became more of a reality. "If there's anything we can do, we'll do it, you do realize that?"

"Knock me out," she whispered, but kept her face in Abby's shoulders.

"What?"

"Fucking sedate me!"

"Why?"

"You just told me you would do what you could, and now you're questioning it!" she screamed at her, hell if they weren't going to do it by asking, she sure could give them no choice.

"I'm not sure if we can, Abby. Dr. Hernandez?"

"Please Susan, don't make me think about this right now, please"

"I don't have privileges here, Abby, I can't treat. It's up to Hernandez, you have to ask her."

"You heard me, you heard what I asked for," Abby turned to face Hernandez.

"It might be a possibility, but I need to know why."

"Because I can't think about this, I can't sleep knowing he got out, please this is all I'm asking, please,"

"And when do you suggest we stop sedating you?"

"I'm not asking for more then once, just right now I can't.."

"When do you anticipate being able to deal?"

"When I wake up, I promise I'll talk.." never in her life had Abby ever imagined begging to be sedated.

But if they refused well, she could give them no choice.

"A promise doesn't mean much."

Abby shook her head, and pulled away from Susan. "Please," she begged one more time.

"Alright, we'll give you light sedation. You'll probably drift off for a few hours, but after that, no more."

Susan looked at Hernandez unsure if this was the right move, but at the moment she really didn't know.

"Thank you," Abby spoke softly.

"Don't mention it," Leslie replied emphatically, "please. Don't mention it."

"I won't," she promised and sighed a breath of relief, as Susan continued to hold her and rub her back. Abby felt her reach in front and grab her arm, so that Leslie could have easier access to the port.

The sedatives were administered, and while they didn't knock Abby out per say, they calmed her enough that eventually she was able to sleep.

"Should we leave her in here by herself?" Susan whispered.

"You said you wouldn't, and I'm holding you to that. I'll have them bring you a cot."

"Are you going to move her to a locked ward?"

"When she comes around."

Susan nodded then smiled. "I don't think she really wants to die, or else why would she be so freaked out about him coming back?"

"Possibly just a control issue, but I think there's still some will to live."

"I hope there is, can't say I agree there is though. Are you going to hold her to her promise, about her talking about that night?" Susan looked up and it unnerved her to see that the entrance to the room was completely guarded by cops.

"I'll do my best to prod her into discussing it."

"Good luck with that," she whispered as Luka stepped into the room, Henry still asleep in his arms.

"Thanks. I won't need it. He giving you any trouble?"

"None at all," he handed Henry over, "been asleep the entire time," he stuffed his hands into his pockets. "There's been no sign of him, press is all over it,"

"Any show up here yet?"

"No but its just a matter of time, cop cars are everywhere, someone is bound to figure out."

"We'll deal with that when it happens I guess."

"When he finds her then?" she didn't want to admit it, "or when whoever the second attacker was, finds her,"

"They'll get caught trying to get in."

"Stenton would yes, but what about the second attacker? Abby said that he was wearing scrubs that's all she can remember, for all we know he's dressed as one of the cops!"

"He won't be able to get in anyhow. Not even the cops are allowed in the room, not the male ones at least, and Susan, you're staying here."

"What if we told the media, about the suicide, make it look like she succeed? He couldn't come after her then, not if he thought she was dead," it was a horrible thought, but they had to protect Abby, at least until he was recaptured. And after that, the media would leave Abby alone. But the more Susan thought about it, the worse the idea sounded. She shook her head, not believing she had even considered telling the media that.

"No. He would probably come to check on her, and besides, it'd wreak havoc on her emotionally."

"Like his escape isn't?" Susan turned and began pacing. "I can't believe this, how the fuck did he just walk out?"

"He's a smart man, Susan. And you cannot tell the press that she committed suicide."

"I'm not, I'm trying to figure out a way to help Abby, to keep him away,"

"Likely, he won't get to her, Susan. How to keep him away isn't your job."

"I know, I know its not,"

"So stop doing it."

"Then what? What can I do for her?"

"You can stay here and help her if she asks. Keep her from panicking when she wakes up, and be her friend."

"Of course," she nodded and once again took her spot next to Abby, only praying that Hernandez was right and that Stenton couldn't get to her.


	25. Reliving

The sedation lasted longer then they had expected, Abby had slept through the night and well into the next morning. When she woke up, she discovered two things. She was no longer in the ER, and that as usual Hernandez and Susan were there. Maybe it had been a horrible nightmare, Stenton escaping. But one look at the door, at guard posted there, reminded her that it was indeed reality.

"Hey, finally awake?"

She nodded, and looked at the clock on the wall, it was nearly noon. Then she saw the television, the news broadcast. "It really is true then?" she whispered.

"Yeah."

She glanced around the room now having a pretty decent idea where she was. "I'm guessing this is a locked ward?" on the plus side, it would be pretty hard for anyone to get in there. On the other hand, she was in a locked ward.

"Yeah."

"How long am I here for?"

"Right now, it's a forty eight hour hold, and you've slept through the first eight, so if you don't do anything to piss Hernandez off, you'll get out of here at the same time Elizabeth said you would." Abby nodded, and sat there for a while, just thinking. How the hell was she supposed to get out of this mess? Once she got out of the hospital, Stenton had easy access to her. "Or you can voluntarily stay longer."

"That's not going to happen," Abby laughed, well sort of.

"Okay, hun."

"Is the media here yet?"

"No. No one knows you're here."

"Until someone slips,"

"People won't slip."

"How are you so trusting Susan? How do you know.."

"Almost no one knows you're here. The room, it's not under your name, only those who are treating you know who you actually are."

"And the cops, and the other patients who have seen me, and Morris and Pratt.." she trusted Pratt, but Morris was a different story.

"Morris is fearing for his job, Ke... He was made to shut up."

"What about everyone else who has seen me, the cafeteria workers, and I'm sure when Elizabeth dragged me down to the ER, more patients saw me.."

"The only photo of you that's been released to the press so far looks nothing like you."

"Do I even want to know what photo that was?" Susan swore she saw the hint of a smile.

"As far as I can tell, it was taken during your 'brush? what's a brush?' phase."

"Oh you mean my entire residency then?"

"No. You're well groomed now. More like when you were a nurse oh... about six years ago."

"Thanks Susan.. I think.."

"You're welcome, but I didn't do it."

Abby looked over at Hernandez and the back to Susan, her expression reading 'why is she still here?'

"Because she is who she is and Luka's giving her a break from Henry for as long as she's here."

"I'm not going to try anything, you can go check on your other patients," Abby said rather coldly to Hernandez.

"I'm not on call, I'm not supposed to be at work, and I'm not going back to a screaming toddler for another few hours if I can help it."

"So leave Luka to baby sit and go get some food, coffee, anything."

"He won't baby sit if I'm not in here."

"So you're using me?"

"Do you really want the honest answer to that? If I can do anything to help you, I will. If not, I'll enjoy a few minutes peace."

"What is it that you think you can help me with?"

"That's up to you."

"Yeah, how so?"

"I can only do as much for you as you will let me."

"I don't know what you want me to say"

"Whatever you want."

"Such as.."

"Like I said, completely up to you."

"And how is this going to help at all?"

"Time will tell."

"That's all I ever hear! Time, time and more time! In time I will move on, in time I can get back to a somewhat normal routine. But you know what else that's funny about time? In time Stenton will find me, in time he will hurt me, and in time he will kill me,"

"Or in time he'll be caught. Why worry about that which you cannot affect?"

"Do you have any idea what hell I went though that night, I have no choice but to worry, what if he puts me through that again?"

"What can you do to stop it?"

"Not give him the fucking chance!" she screamed at Hernandez, Susan sat in the corner, somewhat relieved that at least now Abby was showing emotion.

"Any chance you want to get back at him?"

"Of course I do, I want him to suffer, for him to go through what he put me through,"

"Well, you can't quite do that. But you can thwart him."

"How?"

"What doesn't he want you to do?"

"I'm sorry?" Abby looked up at Hernandez confused, how had she known?

"Would you say his goal was to ruin you?"

"I think his goal was to kill me. He was so mad, all because I told him no, that I couldn't go get coffee with him that moment,"

"If that was his plan, wouldn't he have finished it then?"

"I don't know what stopped him, I think," she closed her eyes trying to remember that night, "someone was coming, he got scared,"

"So why wouldn't he have just bolted instead of dragging you outside? Why would he call someone to tell them you were in trouble."

"I don't know, outside, he called Kerry, he wanted them to feel powerless, to watch me die, he was sure they couldn't save me,"

"Or maybe he wanted to mess with your mind."

"Then why did he try and kill me that night in the ICU?"

"To fuck with everyone else's minds."

"Who was I in his eyes then? What the hell did I do that was so right to him?"

"Only he knows that, if he knows."

"I had no idea that it was going to happen that night.. I knew something was coming but that night.."

"Why would you have known?"

"He warned me, he sent letters, phone calls,"

"Why would you know that night? Or exactly what to expect? You're not omniscient."

"I could have gone to the cops before,"

"Why would you think it was anything more than a bad joke?"

"Have you seen the letters, either of you?"

"I read some of them," Susan admitted.

"And you haven't Dr. Hernandez, it was obvious something was going to happen.. Especially the last one."

"Did he tell you what, where and when?"

"Not until we we're in the closet, he told me what was going to happen," Susan shook her head, they had just got Abby to tell exactly where it had happened. Now they at least knew it was inside the hospital, not outdoors.

"So there was no way you could have known."

"Okay.."

"Do you agree or no?"

"I don't know. Common sense what say that you are right, but then for some reason my mind is telling me I should never have answered.."

"Answered what?"

"Him, I was walking back towards the ER, I heard him call my name, and instantly I recognized it from the phone call the night before. Then I thought this is the hospital, ICU, if he tries anything, this place is swarming with people."

"It was a logical thing to think."

"So I just stood there, and let him come to me, I didn't even see the other one until he had grabbed me from behind."

"No one has eyes in the back of their head."

She seemed to have left their world and was in one of her own. "I remember thinking, someone will come soon, just try and fight them off," Hernandez nodded, not wanting to interrupt Abby's recollection of the night. "Then one of them, I don't know.. Stuck something in my thigh and then I just couldn't fight them anymore,"

"They drugged you, Abby"

"I couldn't move, I was aware, I knew what.. I knew what was going on."

"Alright."

"No its not alright! They carried me down the hall, and a security guard stopped us, asked if I was alright,."

"And what did they do?"

"Said that I had fallen had hit my head, and that they needed to check me out. The security guard believed them, told me to feel better, and walked away. I guess if you wear scrubs, you're automatically considered to be doing the right thing.."

"I guess so."

"They said something else, told me everything would be fine, then suddenly became really dark, they blindfolded me.. maybe that's why I can't remember who the second one was, he was behind me the entire time. I think they took me into a supply closet, they threw me on the floor, Stenton took off my clothes,.." she wiped a tear away. "And then everyone knows what happened from there."

"Maybe."

"The rest isn't important," she tried, but she just didn't want to talk about the most painful part.

"That's debatable."

"Why? Everyone knows what happened? Why make me relive that again?"

"I'm not making you relive it. I'm trying to convince you to deal with it."

"I have dealt with it, I know what happened to me, I'm trying to deal with what's going to happen once he finds me,"

"If he finds you."

"And when he does, what are you going to tell yourself then? That you did all you could, there was nothing else to do, it was the cops fault?"

"No."

"Then what?"

"I don't plan on him getting to you."

"I wish I could say that I know you can stop him, that the police will catch him"

"I can stay in here, or Susan can stay."

"And in forty hours, then what?"

"Hard to say just yet."

"Exactly, you can't protect me forever"

"So uncertainty alone is enough to make you throw in the towel?"

"I have never been more scared in my life then when I found out he had escaped,. Not even on that night,"

"Well, what if he gets caught?"

"Then I face him in court the I have to relive it again, this time in front of him, then everyone will know every detail about that night, and I'm sure the fact that I tried to kill myself will become known."

"Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why would that be so bad?"

"I don't know," she said after thinking about it.

"You could always ask for a closed courtroom."

"Do I have to testify?"

"Not if you really don't want to."

"The cops have their evidence right?"

"Yes."

"But they'll call you as a witness," she looked at Hernandez. "They'll want to know.."

"I'm bound by doctor-patient confidentiality."

"But you have to tell them something,"

"Since when?"

"The law, to put him away, their going to ask about me, you'll have to tell them something"

"No I won't."

"Then Stenton will know something is wrong, when they have a psychiatrist onto me that refuses to comment,"

"I wont answer to a subpoena if you don't want me to. He's the one on trial, not you."

"Well I don't think we have to worry about a trial right now," Abby said her eyes glued to the television set. Her picture had just been flashed across the screen, then Stenton's. "I had worked with him earlier that day, in a trauma."

"Okay."

Abby once again went quite, amazed that she had actually spoken about that night after suppressing it for so long. "How bad is the bruise," her hand went to her neck.

"Very purple."

"I didn't think I had tied it that tight,"

"You did a pretty good job."

"Who found me?" she remembered the experience she had, had, meeting Kerry. But Susan and Hernandez already thought she was crazy enough, didn't need to tell about that.

"Dr. Corday."

"It was her voice then.. I heard someone pounding on the door, but I couldn't recognize it."

"Probably me." Susan spoke softly.

"What? I.." she shook her head, whose voice had she heard?

"Did it sound familiar?"

"Vaguely, someone was asking for the key,"

"Probably one of the nurses."

"How long was I.. before you got in?"

"A couple of minutes."

"And then, how long in the ER?" Kerry had said something about five minutes, but Abby seriously doubted she was only there for that period of time. She remembered the feeling of having to suck in a deep breath, possibly when they cut, or took the tube off.

"Maybe thirty minutes tops."

"Not long," not nearly long enough to have actually come close to succeeding.

"Yeah."

"I'm sorry Susan, I'm sorry for everything I've put you through," she apologized, only guessing everything that she had put her best friend through.

"Don't worry about that Abby."

"I didn't want you to care, I didn't want you to be hurt when it ends,"

"I'm not planning on letting it, Abby."

"But you need to," she paused. "I won't do it though,"

"You'd better not."

"I won't, besides there is nothing here I can use,"

"Not encouraging, but I'll take it for now."

"Not like you have much of a choice but to believe me,"

"True."

"So what now Dr. Hernandez?" Abby looked at the other doctor in the room.

"Well, I could stare at the ceiling for a few hours."

"Have fun,"

"Fun, no. Enlightenment, maybe."

"What more is there to do in here, besides escaping babysitting?" it was unnerving to have the psychiatrist at her side all the time.

"Who knows?"

"You do, there has to be a reason as to why you are staying. I can't hurt myself, and even if I could, Susan wouldn't let it happen,"

"Maybe I feel a need to observe your body language."

"Why?"

"It says more than your voice tends to."

"You don't believe I'm telling you the truth then? You think I'm just saying this to get you out of the room, so I can finish the job."

"I don't think you're lying. It's just that sometimes there are other sorts of information one can gather."

"Yeah and what have you gathered about me so far?" she was beginning to get defensive again, and Susan shot a glare at Hernandez.

"Not much, other than that you're exceedingly defensive."

"I think I have that right," she said as she pulled the blanket closer around her body.

"And you detest me."

"I never said that,"

"But your posture did."

"So what? There are not many people I do like right now!"

"I am well aware of that."

"Good!"

"From you're way of seeing things, I'm sure it is."

"There is nothing wrong with the way I see things,"

"I never said there was." Abby nodded, but was barely resisting the urge to shoot up from her bed and hit the doctor. "So, do you want to talk or do you want me to shut up?"

"What more is there to talk about?"

"Anything, nothing."

"What you want my life story? Okay, born into a fucked up house hold, got married, he screwed me over, we divorced, nurse in the ER, a relationship ended badly, went back to med school, then abducted by a gang of thugs from our ambulance bay and then a year later this. Anything else you need to know doctor?"

"This isn't David Copperfield, Abby.":

"Then quit pretending like you give a damn! I'm just another patient to you, disconnect yourself, I know how it works,"

"How do you know what I do or don't think?"

"Just. God damn it, just leave for a while alright?"

"Why?"

"Because I need privacy!"

"To do what?"

"I am not going to hurt myself!"

"Okay. But to do what?"

"What the hell, watch TV, read, sleep, think, something!"

"How do you need privacy for that?"

"Would you want to be with someone twenty four hours a day, not being able to be alone?"

"Fine, I'll be gone for a while. Not sure how long exactly."

"Thank you, Susan please go, just for a while."

"Go where? Do what?"

"How about a shower or a decent meal?"

"I'm not hungry and I don't reek."

"Just for a while.. I can't do anything Susan, the guard is at the door.."

"Fine. I'll be back in half an hour. Exactly."

"Thank you," she sat back into her bed, and closed her eyes, thankful for the momentary peace.


	26. Three Months

Please review.

Also note, a little bit more to come!

* * *

Nearly three months to the day since it had all started, they had finally agreed to discharge her. Certain conditions still applied though, but she was going home! Susan, Luka and Hernandez had all gone to look over the paperwork, sign off on papers, all the bureaucratic shit that needed to be done. Abby was sitting there, on her bed, waiting for them to come back, more then ready to get the hell out of there. There had been no sighting of Stenton in Chicago, reports of him however had been all over the country, somehow it reassured Abby that Hernandez was right, he might not come back. She was still lost in thought, when a knock came at the door and someone walked in.

"And you are?"

"Jason," he said quickly. "You ready to go? Dr. Lewis went to go and get the car, asked me to come down, help you upstairs,"

"Um, I..." Abby shook her head, this wasn't right. "I've never seen you before,"

"I'm here to escort you out."

"I don't know, I thought Susan was…" but then the aspect of going home came full front, and the cops wouldn't have let anyone near her who hadn't been cleared. "Okay" she stood up and walked over.

"Wheelchair. Sit." She nodded and sat down scared that they might keep her longer if she didn't comply. They headed down the hall, she didn't know the hospital well, but it didn't somehow seem like the right hall.

"You know, I um, I think I forgot something in my room," her heart was racing, the hallway was empty, not a single doctor, nurse or patient had been seen.

"Someone can be sent to get it."

"Please," she said and leaned forward trying to get on her feet, but a rough hand grabbed her by the shoulders and pulled her back.

"Stay seated, Dr. Lockhart."

"No.." she knew now exactly what was going on. They had stopped at two double doors, and the person behind her reached in front, opening them. This was not where she was supposed to be meeting Susan, she wasn't supposed to be here at all.

"Yes, Dr. Lockhart. Just calm down."

She turned her head and looked at him, she knew him, it was the second guy, her second attacker, now not only did she have a face to the voice, she had a name. "Kerry's sectary," she shook and once again tried to push herself away from him. Well, Kerry's ex secretary... "Get away. Just go away. You can go, no one will catch you."

"I can't do that Dr. Lockhart," he suddenly reached down and grabbed her by the arm, hauling her out of the wheelchair and outside into the freezing cold weather. "You have a date with someone," he made sure the door was locked and then dragged her to the far corner. She struggled against him, but couldn't seem to break free. The bastard was stronger than he looked.

"Don't do this please," she begged of him as he threw her down into the snow, trapping her against a wall.

"Why shouldn't I?"

"I didn't do anything to you, I didn't even remember who you were.."

"So?"

"Please.. Just," she shook her head, she couldn't believe this was happening. She would not go down without a fight though, she suddenly jumped up and tried to push past him, but he laughed as he grabbed her around the waist. She hammered at him with her fist, but it did no good, kicked at him, screamed and bit.

"Abby, shh," he said and sat down in the snow, bringing her down with him, and began stroking her hair. "It will all be over soon, it will all be okay," he brought her closer to his own body.

"No it won't," she grunted and kneed him in the groin.

"Bitch!" he screamed but released her, and she took her opportunity. She took off, but at one point she looked behind her, wanting to know how far behind he was. And then she hit another figure full force.

"No," she whispered as Stenton grabbed her arms and yanked her towards him

"Hi Abby," he smiled down at her, making her skin crawl. "How have you been?" he pulled her close to him, then lifted her before walking back over to Mearl. "Got a little reunion going on don't we now?" he laughed seeing how scared Abby was. He handed her over to Mearl and then pressed his fingers to her neck. "What happened there baby doll, I know I didn't do that?"

"Like hell it matters, now let me go."

"You ordered us to do that last time, did it work?"

"Fuck if I'm going to let you do it again without a fight."

"You can try all you want, you were stronger and healthier last time and we still won, what the hell are you going to be able to do now?" he reached his hand into his pocket.

"We'll see," she kicked him in the knee.

"You like to fight Abby," Mearl laughed as Stenton easily regained his composure. "To bad you won't be doing much of that anymore,"

"Screw you."

"We can do that to," Stenton said and they both laughed. Mearl held her tighter as Stenton got face to face with her. "If you play nice, it might not hurt as bad this time."

"Won't matter when you kill me."

"You're right, it won't." he pulled his hand out of his pocket, holding a syringe. "You ready for your medicine, Dr. Lockhart?" he laughed again and began taping the bubbles out of it. She knocked at him, but he didn't drop the needle.

"Shh, now," Mearl grabbed her arms and pulled them tightly behind her, as Stenton uncapped the needle and grabbed her left ankle.

"Abby.. Abby," he laughed and slowly reached over, and touched the tip of the needle to her thigh. The fear in her eyes, just helped to excite him. "Just to help you calm down" he explained and then pressed the needle in her skin, depressing the plunger and injecting the new drug into her system. It burned badly and immediately she felt the affects of the chemical. A moment after he injected her, she could swear she was back at County.

"Kerry?" she immediately called out, knowing exactly where she was.

"She's tending to the girlfriend and kid," someone familiar, male and snitty said disdainfully, "but I can get her to get her ass back here if need be, Dr. Nurse."

"Dr. Romano?" she looked around and more and more people began appearing. "Mark,"

"Abby, made it through med school, congratulations," Dr. Greene said, his tone a good deal more conversational than Robert's had been.

"Mark..." she was scared, she had finally starting to get her life back. "Did he... Am I?" she couldn't stop the tears, and soon she found herself in Mark's arms.

"You're still alive," Mark reassured.

Romano picked up for him, less compassionately, "Just drugged out of your skull."

"Are they hurting me?"

"Not badly," it was a blonde med student, and Abby could hear the unspoken 'yet'.

"I don't like how that sounded..." not badly, meant yes. Just not excessively., not yet. She felt Mark hug her tighter as she continued to cry. She heard the PA she'd seen last time whisper about getting Kerry. "Are they going to kill me Mark?" she whispered into his scrubs.

"I don't know."

Abby felt herself shaking, she couldn't feel the pain that was apparently being inflicted, but still she was scared. She knew they would come back and they had.

"Lockhart," Romano barked to get her attention, "don't get too worried just yet."

"Does... Do they even know yet, Susan and Luka, do they know I'm missing?" the cops, Hernandez, all those who had sworn to protect her.

"That's not entirely relevant. If she's doing what I think she's doing, which, by the way, is against just about every rule we go by, you'll get out in one piece."

"Where's Kerry?" she had yet to move from Mark's arms.

"Taking a detour."

"Mark, don't let me die," she pleaded to him, just as she had told Kerry three months ago.

"You keep changing your story on that."

"I'm sorry okay, I'm sorry," she continued to sob. "if he's going to kill me…" couldn't finish the sentence.

"I don't think she'll let him kill you."

"He has to be close..."

Jeanie spoke up, "Nowhere near. She just hit him over the head with... I shouldn't be telling you this."

"What?" Abby spoke up.

"Interference is frowned upon," Jeanie said to Mark, "Are they likely to come down on this?"

"I think it was justified."

"What the hell is everyone talking about!"

"Nothing you're ready to know about, Abby," Romano said decisively, "not yet at least."

"Someone please, give me an idea of what is going on down there! Should I even think about going back?"

"Yes. You can't just yet, but do plan on it. She's winning."

Abby shook her head, "please, everyone is hiding things from me, don't you start also,"

"We can't tell you, Abby. Just that someone's fighting on your side."

"Then how the hell do I know it's worth going back? What did they do to me before whoever was did what ever they did!" she screamed at them.

"She started on them before they could do more than give you a few bruises."

"But by the time she finished?" bruises she could deal with, broken bones she could, as long as they didn't rape her, or stab her again.

"She's not done yet, but one's fleeing, and the other... Oh, crap, she didn't just..."

"SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT IS GOING ON!"

"Stenton just went down a flight of stairs, backwards. Cracked his neck on the way down."

"He's dead?"

"He's a quad in desperate need of ventilation," Mark said. Just then, Kerry came in through the ambulance port, looking decidedly pissed off and a bit upset.

"Where am I?" she asked Mark, not having yet seen Kerry.

"You're on a gurney, on your way to the ER to be checked out. No significant injuries though," Kerry said from behind her.

She didn't say anything, her knees gave way and Mark caught her. "It's okay Abby. It's okay," he whispered to her.

"You're going to be fine, Abby. When the drugs wear off, you'll wake up back at Mercy. This mess will be over."

"What about Mearl?"

"He was just shot attempting to flee."

She didn't say anything for a while. "Who found me?"

"Susan."

"How long was I on the roof?"

"Couple minutes, not too long."

"Are they both dead?" she would refuse to go back if they was even a chance of them surviving, she would not deal with this again.

"No."

"I'm not going back," she shook her head, let her die.

"Why not this time?"

"I can't live through this again, I can't, they came back, they…"

"They're dead. They didn't do any worse than black your eye and kick you in the ribs."

"You just told me that they were alive."

"Stenton's heart hadn't stopped yet."

"Kerry, the first time I came here, you promised that if I came back, you wouldn't argue with me on my choice to stay. I still have a choice?"

"Hypothetically, yeah, you still do. You've got no life threatening injuries, and you weren't raped again. They didn't even get your top off. You've got no reason to stay, but if it's what you want to do, then fine."

"I want to..."

"Fine. Lucy, what's the ETA?"

"He can't hurt me here Kerry, they can't touch me here!" Abby said, knowing what Kerry was up to.

"That's right, he can't. But you might have to treat him. Or work with him."

"I don't have to do anything,"

"I hope you don't," Kerry said, then looked down at her pager, which had started ringing at her.

"Abby," it was Mark. "Don't choose to stay here, they're both dead, they cannot hurt you anymore, don't leave Susan and Luka, don't do this to them. Luka is having to restrain Susan from getting into the trauma room."

"I was going to go home, I was about to leave..." she cried. "And then they come back, and drug me with God knows what! How did I not realize it. I thought I might have gotten away, I saw the door but didn't seen Stenton.." once again Mark pulled her towards him.

"It wasn't your fault, and wasn't your doing. They shouldn't have been able to get into the hospital, and that doesn't matter. They're dead now, gone. Can't hurt you. And you can still go home."

"When?"

"They'll want you to stay for at least a few hours for observation, but you don't even have to do that."

Abby looked at them skeptically. Still unsure. "Abby, do you want to go to the trauma room? Just to see..." Mark offered, knowing that would probably help, once she saw how concerned everyone was. She didn't have time to answer, Mark and Kerry were at her side and soon they were back at Mercy.

"Look, they haven't even changed you into a gown. Black eye, some nice bruises, looks like you could use maybe three stitches to your brow."

"The drug?" the last time he had injected her, it had killed her kidney.

"Haldol."

"Nothing else?" she watched as Hernandez put her hand on Susan's shoulder and went to the gurney. She took out her penlight and shined it in Abby's eyes. Reaction made Abby turn her head, bring up her hands to move the light out of the way, and to her surprise her body did the same thing.

"You want to see the chart?"

"Okay," she agreed slightly less nervous now.

"Today's injuries were, 'minor contusions to the left eye, right side, and right arm, a two centimeter laceration to the eyebrow,'" Mark read off of it and pointed to the spots on the paperwork. Kerry, it seemed, was the only poltergeist.

"Abby," she heard Susan suddenly say, "Hon, choose where you want to be, what will make you happy," she tried to hide the tears. She had never felt so guilty in her life.

"They want you to go back, Abby. We can't make you, but we'd like you to as well."

She looked at her body for a while, a good half an hour weighing both sides. "Okay," she finally agreed.

"Going back?"

"Yes, why I have yet to figure out,"

"Good for you."

"Kick his ass for me when you get him? I never got the chance," she watched as it looked as though Hernandez was trying to calm Susan down, Susan who about to mangle one or two cops.

"Only if you agree to be nice to Susan, keep her from doing anything stupid, and make sure Leslie gets my son into little league for at least one season."

She nodded and smiled at them, and closed her eyes. Soon she aware of Leslie and Susan's voices.

"Abby!" Susan pounced when she noticed her eyelids flickering. She wanted to yell at Susan that she was not deaf, that she could hear her, but didn't have the energy, so instead she forced her eyes open. "Abby, thank God! You had me scared there."

"You were scared?" she said rolling her eyes. "Okay, I have a head ache and I'm freezing, can someone please take care of any of these two problems and I promise I will be cooperative,"

"Sure, um... I shouldn't do this, but..." Susan pulled a bottle of Motrin out of her purse and shook two into her palm, then handed them to Abby.

"Thank you," she took them praying they would work fast. "How did you find me?"

"A hunch."

"Please tell me you didn't go up there by yourself,"

"Doesn't really matter."

"It does to me," she said as the door swung open and Luka and Hernandez walked in.

"I might have."

"Susan, they could have hurt you,"

"But they didn't. Call me crazy, but I knew they wouldn't."

"Stenton was already at the... Stairs. And..." she seemed to be babbling about what had happened, but the three doctors looked at each other, how the hell had she known.

"Abby, calm down."

"They're dead, they drugged me on the roof," she kept going.

"Enough, Abby."

"Excuse me?"

"We know what happened."

"Do you, do you know how the hell they got to me then?"

"One of them, Stenton's accomplice, managed to find out where you are, stole an ID badge."

"But how did Stenton get in?"

"The police aren't releasing that information."

"No!" She suddenly sat up. "Fuck the police, this is their fault! They promised to protect me, and somehow Stenton go to the roof and almost killed me again!"

"How did you fight him off, Abby?"

She looked at them puzzled. "I didn't, I tried, but they held me down and drugged me," she looked at her thigh where Stenton had stuck the needle, not surprised to see a large bruise forming.

"Then he must have panicked. He was found halfway between the roof and top floor, looks like he fell down the stairs."

"Why would he have panicked? He was intent on killing me," she remembered hearing his words.

"I don't know. He had a couple of weird marks, like he got hit by a pole or something."

"I kicked him once, but not with a pole, what about the other one?"

"The cops had him cornered, he got aggressive, they had to shoot him."

"Was he with me, when you found me?"

"No, he'd already gotten down the fire escape."

"Guess I faired a little better this time huh?"

"Yeah, I'd say so."

"And I guess you probably already know what my next question is going to be?"

"Can you go home?"

"Yes."

"Only if you're under physician observation. Do you want to be babysat by me or Luka?"

"Nooo," she sat back into her pillows. "by myself in my apartment in my own bed.."

"You can have your bed, one of us can stay on the couch. We won't bug you. We'll leave after a couple of hours."

"Ugh, why?"

"You were drugged. They want you to stay for observation."

"It was Haldol, and I couldn't have been out for that long,"

"Try seven hours."

"No, it couldn't have been that long I mean... I" had it really been seven hours? Robert had said that she was drugged out of her skull...

"What? Didn't it feel like that long?"

"Not at all, good lord, they've observed me for seven hours then. Please, get me out of here."

"Only if one of us can couch surf."

"Fine!"

"Okay. Now let's get you checked out of here." Susan patted her on the arm. They had known that the first thing Abby would want when she woke up was to leave, and during her seven hour nap, the three physicians already devised a plan to allow just that, to allow Abby to go home.

"No wheelchair okay Susan?"

"Fine."

Abby slid off the gurney and slowly her and Susan walked out the door. Cops, media, doctors and nurses were everywhere. "And someone get the flashbulbs out of my face."

"Hey, we even splurged, you don't even have to take a taxi, the cops agreed to giving you an escort home..." Susan paused. "only after I threatened to sue their assess."

"Oh, joy. Susan. You're going to stroke out one of these days, and we're all going to point and laugh."

"Yeah, well get in," she opened the door to a waiting car. "Luka is just taking care of the last of the paper week. Hernandez wants to see you once a week for then next God knows how long, everything else can be taken care of at County."

"Who's the new chief going to be?"

"Abby, I haven't been to the hospital since you..." she stopped not wanting to say since you tried to off yourself. "I don't know." she shielded her face from the cameras at the car window and turned her body so that Abby couldn't be seen.

"I take it Ansphaugh doesn't know yet. Sorry about that, by the way," she said, remembering the scolding she'd gotten from Mark and Kerry.

"About what hon? Here comes Luka, scoot over,"

"You'd think they'd make the backs of squad cars bigger. I swear, when Carter and I got arrested for breaking into Luka's apartment, it was roomier than this."

"Yeah well it was this or a taxi, or the L, figured this was safer." the door opened and Luka wedged himself in and immediately reached over to Abby and pulled her into a hug.

"I swear you…" he didn't finish the sentence, just sat there.

"Luka, let go..." Abby tried to push him off as the car began to drive away from Mercy. He didn't though, he just held her, refused to let go, soon she gave in, and actually let him do so. "God Abby," she heard him say once more, and she knew right then that Luka would not let her go for a long time, that those two would be at her apartment for more then a few hours. And she didn't mind one bit.

She punched in, wondering why they hadn't upgraded to a computerized time card system, and went to the lounge to put her purse down. Didn't have a lab coat yet. "Abby" she heard Sam's voice. "Welcome back," she hugged the doctor as Abby tried to open her locker.

"Nice to see you again," she hugged back briefly with one arm, then tried to shrug out of it.

"Lockhart!" she heard the annoying screech to the right of her, Morris. And finally the locker opened. And when it opened, she made sure it flew. Straight into his forehead actually...

"Oooh ouch," she heard Sam say and stat to laugh as Morris fell to the floor, clutching his nose.

"Oh, gosh, didn't see you there," Abby said sarcastically.

"Morris, your nose is bleeding," Sam laughed as she and Abby walked out of the lounge.

"So, what have I missed?"

"Oh lets see, four months worth of County happiness," Pratt stepped forward and smiled at her. "Welcome back."

"Hey Pratt," she grinned back, "Seriously, Sam, specifics."

"We've missed you, we can't handle Morris, but you've just taken care of about two months worth of annoyances in one shot,"

"That's a good thing, I guess. But I mean gossip. The rumor mill. Who's new? Who left? Who had a nasty breakup with whom? The grit"

"Believe me there is," Pratt reached over and grabbed a chart. "here, get your ass back to work, no more slacking Lockhart, I don't want to hear any excuses."

"I will. I just don't want to be horribly uninformed of the private lives of the staffers here."

"I will inform you of everything at lunch okay?" Sam promised and ran off.

"I'm going to hold you to that," she called after the retreating nurse, "So, Pratt, talk to me."

"Abby, honestly, it's been you. You are the only one being talked about here. All good things." he turned to leave but stopped and came back to her. "And apparently there is a nasty rumor going around that I like to buy stuffed animals from gift shops? Any ideas as to who may have started that Dr. Lockhart?"

"I swear, it wasn't me!"

"Yeah." he said sarcastically. "Puking kid in three have fun," he threw her a chart.

"Delightful. Thanks. Like I never left."

"You never did Lockhart, wait!" he stopped again and reached under the counter. "here," he threw her a new white lab coat.

"Thanks, Pratt," she said as she put the thing on. He probably had no idea exactly how much it meant to her.

"Yeah, just don't go around telling anyone that I've gone soft."

"I won't, don't worry."

"Yeah don't worry about you Lockhart, shit when was the last time that happened?" he mumbled to himself as he walked down the hallway.

"Smartass."

"I heard that Lockhart, don't think you're going to be getting any special treatment around here just because," she tuned out the rest of whatever he was saying.

"Hey," she turned to see Susan follow her into a patients room "So how does it feel to be back?"

Abby was about to answer, when she saw the kid turn green, and before she could move away, he puked all over her new coat. "Like I never left."


	27. Meeting

The first day back was hard. Physically demanding, and as soon as Abby got home, she quickly showered and climbed into bed. It felt like she had just fallen asleep when she heard someone calling her name. She could have sworn when she had fallen asleep, she had been all alone.

"Abby, open your eyes," she recognized that voice. "C'mon Abby, I know you can hear me,"

"Ugh, I'm tired, what is it?"

"Would you open your eyes and look at me first?" she felt someone grab her hand and squeeze it tight. Who the hell was in her apartment? Normally, she would have been terrified, hearing a male voice, in her apartment, in the middle of the night. But she wasn't, she was calm, wasn't scared in the least. She knew the voice, and for some reason, when she realized just whose voice it was, that's when she became a little unnerved.

"Fine, geez," she forced herself to sit up and open her eyes. Immediately she knew something had happened, Mark Greene was sitting next to her, and no longer was she in her apartment, it looked like she was back at County. "Crap... What now? Where's K-"

Mark took a deep breath and sat down next to her. "Abby. I need you to listen to me okay?" he waited, wanted to make sure she was truly listening.

"What's wrong?"

"You were attacked one night in the ICU." another slow deep breath, "You've been in a coma for the past three months," he was quickly interrupted.

"Where's everyone else?"

Mark shook his head, trying to word it gently, but it simply couldn't be. "Abby, you never woke up," he said softly.

Abby stared at him for a minute, letting his words sink in. Then began shaking her own head "Stop it, stop it, stop it. I don't want to hear this." She said quickly realizing what Mark was about to tell her.

"Kerry, Luka and Susan, along with the rest of your doctors had a meeting last night. They decided to discontinue life support.."

"They didn't. I'm not... I want to talk to Kerry. She's here. I'm not. I can't be..."

"Abby the last time you ever had any sort of consciences activity was when you spoke with Kerry in the snow that night. You made it out of surgery but have been deteriorating since then. You never regained conciseness."

"No, I survived. I was at Mercy... Hernandez... Lizzie..."

Mark shook his head. "No Abby, you were in multisystem organ failure, you've have had no brain activity since the surgery, you developed sepsis..."

"No... I'm healthy. Working again. Weaver got septic after she lied to everyone..."

"They pulled life support at 5:32, time of death was called a few minutes later. It was fast, it was over as soon as the took you off the vent. Abby they didn't know it and they never will, but you never would have regained conciseness, never could have. Stenton had done so much damage..." he decided not to mention a certain aspect at that moment.

"Shut up. Stop lying. This is some sort of bad joke or something."

"Okay Abby, you're here now, the only reason you are here, talking to me is because they finally let you go. You died, you never stood a chance," he told her gently.

"I can't be dead, I just worked a shift."

"The last time at County, it was right before they removed life support. I can't explain it, but somehow it coincides with what you thought was really going on. Your shift ended when they called your death."

"Mark, no. Please tell me this is a bad joke. Please. After all this, I can't be dead."

"Abby..." he shook his head. "I wish I could say it was a joke, I do Abby."

"I'm really dead?"

"Yes Abby. Stenton murdered you that night, physically you were there, but kept alive only by machines."

Abby was shaking all over, "Stop it."

"What can I do to prove it," he reached over and grabbed her index and middle fingers, then pressed them to her own neck. "How are you talking to me, when you don't have a pulse Dr. Lockhart?"

"I... Damn you. No. This is just a very bad dream."

"I know Abby, I know," he reached and pulled her shaking body into his arms. "But it's not a dream, your body simply couldn't handle it..."

"But I don't want to be dead. Not after everything, not now."

"Everything you think happened, never did, each time you saw us it was a time when you coded in the ICU, your suicide attempt was when you developed sepsis.,. Kerry's supposed organ donation to you was when your liver started to fail. It's all connected. Your constant fighting with Susan was parallel to your constant fighting for life."

"Is it like this for everyone?"

"Not everyone went though what you did Abby. We've been watching over you for three months now."

Abby looked at him, not knowing what to say. "Why did they decide to pull life support? Do they think that's what I would have wanted."

"Yes."

"But it's not Mark, its not at all."

"It'd been three months with no sign of improvement."

"No," she shook her head, "people have come out of comas after three months, longer sometimes…"

"You couldn't breathe on your own, needed dialysis, eventually a colostomy, there were signs of severe brain damage, Abby, you weren't going to get better."

"I might have..." she said desperately trying to hang on to hope.

"You couldn't, Abby."

"NO! YOU DON'T KNOW THAT!" she had worked so hard, at least she thought she had. "You don't know that Mark,"

"I'm so sorry, Abby. But I do."

"But..how did I, if he had done so much damage, how did I live for three months?"

"Will power, you didn't want to die, and they didn't want to let you."

"And I still don't Mark! Send me back please!"

"I can't, Abby."

"Was Stenton. I mean did he come back and still inject me with whatever it was, or was that part of whatever it was.." she said after a few minutes.

"He did, but no one caught him."

"No, no. Kerry caught him one night, she was in the room..."

"No, Kerry had to take care of her son that night."

"Is that what killed me then, not because of the injuries but because of whatever he was injecting me with?"

"It contributed, but it wasn't the final nail in the coffin lid."

"So Stenton is still free?"

"Yes."

"Was he my neurologist? Did they ever suspect him, do they now?" she was full of questions.

"No, they don't."

She shook her head again. "Will they ever?"

"I don't know."

Abby reached up and wiped the tears off of her face, she had died, she had become a murder victim, and worse, her murderer had yet to be caught. "He wont hurt anyone else Mark?" she asked almost pleading him.

"I don't know."

"How long ago did I..." she couldn't bring herself to say the word.

"Three days."

"And I just woke up? Has there been a funeral, what the hell is going on?" she screamed at him.

"The funeral's today. You've been resting."

"This isn't happening Mark, it can't be. I couldn't do that to Luka, or Susan, or Kerry..."

"You didn't do anything to them."

"I stuck around for three months, and suddenly leave them?"

"You weren't going to get better, they understood that."

Another nod as she kept absorbing the information. "Then who was Hernandez?" she had never met the women in her life, and then suddenly she has a major role in Abby's recovery, which turned out to never had happened.

"She was a nurse at the hospital. She sat with you, watched over you, took care of you. One of the only ones that would talk to a coma patient, something about preserving dignity. She helped them decide."

"Mark, I didn't want to die, I thought I was fine, I was getting better, I had gone back to work," the tears were full force now. "Why the hell did they give up on me? Three months is nothing! It's nothing Mark! They had to give me more time!" Abby knew medically they had made the right decision, but for so long she thought she had survived.

"Because you were already gone, Abby."

The words stung badly, but it was the truth, Stenton had won. "So I never took a deep breath, I never spoke to any of them again, never opened my eyes?" scary, beyond scary. "I never got to tell them goodbye."

"But they told you."

"I never heard Mark, I had no idea," she cried and Mark held her tighter, rubbing her back, trying to comfort her.

"Your brain had stopped functioning beyond the most rudimentary level. Your funeral is today. You can watch it if you want to. They'll be there, they'll say goodbye again."

"Its not fair Mark, its not fair..." her tears soaked his green scrubs, she couldn't pull away.

"I know it's not, Abby. I know, believe me."

"Did you know that first night that I wouldn't make it?"

"I was pretty sure."

"Did I come here immediately?" she remembered in her supposed recovery, how they would bring in "dead patients" had she arrived like one of them?

"You drifted for a little while."

"So I had a chance then?"

"No."

She didn't answer him for a while. Just let Mark hold her, assure it that it would be okay now, that she couldn't be hurt anymore. "Where do I go now?" she asked after a while.

"Your funeral, or stay here, or go wherever you want. You're free now."

"The funeral, will you go with me?" she still wasn't even sure she wanted to go. But she knew if she did, she defiantly didn't want to go alone.

"If you want me to."

She nodded again, to choked up to speak. "Does Maggie know?"

"They couldn't reach her."

Another blow. "my own mother doesn't even know that I was murdered. How is that possible with all the damn media?"

"She might know, but no one could get her by phone or mail."

"So after the funeral, I can do whatever I want, go wherever? Then do I come back here?"

"If you want to."

"I'm dead," she finally said after another moment of silence, accepting what Mark had been telling her for a while now.

"Yes."

"Can we go to the funeral then?"

"Of course."

She stood up, and fully realized that she had to be dead. She had no lingering pain from any stab wounds, any of the surgeries, she seemed perfectly healthy, except that she was dead.

"Follow me," he said, standing as well.

"Okay," she agreed and wrapped her arms around her as she followed him out the door. They were on top of a hill, green grass beginning to sprout out from under the old snow. It was foggy, people in black stood out clearly against the white. A lot of people, mostly dressed in black, there was a white casket in the center of the group, her casket, her body lying inside. Luka, surprisingly, wasn't among the pallbearers, instead he walked with Susan and Kerry. Abby watched but didn't turn her head as Mark once again brought her close to him. They remained silent the entire service, Abby to shocked to know what to say. She saw the tears on everybody's faces, those that had worked so hard to save her life. She didn't want them to feel like they had failed, and then in the very back, just as she thought the service had ended beautifully, Dr. Stenton walked over to Susan and put his hand on her shoulder. Abby shook her head, wanting to scream, if only they knew.

"Abby, bad things have happened, that's life, and that's death, and you need to accept it."

"I don't think I ever will be able to, the bastard is right there talking to them."

"And one day, he'll get caught. Or he won't, and he'll die, and he'll face a miserable afterlife."

"Just don't let him hurt anyone else, that's all I want."

"I can't interfere."

"Can I?"

"I wouldn't suggest it."

"What are they going to do Mark, kill me?" she said sarcastically as they last of the mourners left, returning back to their own lives.

"I don't know. I don't think either of us wants to." Nothing else was said, they just stood there for a while watching as the casket was slowly covered by the snowfall. And then, just as the last of the mourners had departed, Mark grabbed Abby's hand and silently led her away, away from the graveyard, the snow, life, and into the afterlife.


	28. Chapter 28

Author's note: First off, thanks so much for sticking with the story this long and for all the great reviews. This is our last chapter of Snowfall. Hope everyone enjoyed it or at least found it moderately amusing. This last bit isn't a dream.

* * *

The EEG had not been favorable, they all knew it. Things were not going to improve for Abby.

Susan, Luka and Kerry stood in Abby's room, all absolutely silent. The police had just come by, no new leads, no new suspects, no new anything. They were stuck. Two hard blows in less then two hours.

"Why are we doing this?"

"Because we can't give up, not just yet." Susan said, not really even believing it anymore.

"She's essentially brain dead, Susan. If she wakes up, it's not like she'll be who she was."

"She would never be, but please,"  
she pleaded. "Give her some more time,"

"Time to do what?"

"Something..." Susan said after a minute.

"Recover? She won't."

Susan felt the tears well up in her eyes once again, and suddenly she became very angry. "So you're just going to give up on her huh? Just like that!"

"It's been nearly three months Susan, with no sign of improvement. She isn't going to get better."

"It is not a long enough time," Somehow Susan was still hoping that maybe Abby could get better, three months was nothing, she tried to convince herself.

"The EEG showed nothing beyond rudimentary brain function."

"Please, just… not yet Kerry," she looked down at Abby, while the EEG results had been a blow, it seemed as though Abby was stable. For the most part.

"She's not even triggering the vent. After this long, she would be doing that if there were any hope."

"None of us are able to make the decision," Susan said hoping to find a way to buy Abby some more time. "Maggie is the only one who can..." Maggie who they had yet to get hold of. "We can't do this to her yet..." Susan said as she took Abby's hand in her own.

"I talked with someone from legal," Luka said quietly, almost apologetically, "exceptions can sometimes be made if one knows which strings to pull."

"You want to do this Luka? You want to make the decision to end her life? To end Abby's life?"

"I don't see how this is a more productive alternative."

Susan glared at him, lack of sleep, and more then an excess of stress was taking its toll. "I will not make this decision, we thought we had lost her that night and she fought it, she made it though surgery..."

"But she didn't. Can't you see that?"

Susan shook her head not wanting to listen to them, she knew they were right. But at the same time, felt guilty for giving up on Abby. "How about we sign a DNR then," compromise. Not technically removing her from life support.

"We could do that, but if she doesn't go on her own, I don't think we have much choice. She wouldn't want this."

"Abby will fight like hell…"

"She's not Abby anymore."

"You don't know that, and you don't know what she would have wanted."

Luka sighed, "You think she's still in there? That's a body. Down in the ER, if she were any other patient, the residents would be calling her veggie burger. And you know she wouldn't want this."

Susan resisted the urge to hit Luka. "How dare you, both of you, just willing to give up on her. She's not just a body Luka, she's your coworker, you're colleague, your friend, its Abby.

"No. She's not. Abby talked and argued and said sarcastic, mean things that she didn't mean, and treated patients, and lived."

"I'm not doing this to her, I will not pull life support…. Not yet,"

"When will you be?"

"When they catch the bastard that did this to her,"

"And if they don't?"

"Then she'll go on her own, but I won't do it for her,"

"You'd rather prolong all of this?"

"No, I'd rather give her a fucking chance!"

"She doesn't have one."

Susan looked at the two, then back at Abby and then at the monitors. "I'm not discussing this right now, if her health deteriorates..." she paused. "I'll do it, but not until,"

"It's already deteriorated, Susan."

"She's not septic, no fever, no infection…"

"Ventilated, on dialysis, half a dozen IV's. No, she's doing wonderfully."

"Shut up Luka!" Susan finally snapped. "just shut the hell up!"

"No, Susan. He's right."

"If she develops a sepsis, or anything else, then yes, but not until," she stood up, wanting to leave.

"Sooner or later, she will. Do you really want her to suffer more?"

"According to the EEG, she's not in pain," she headed towards the door. "It seems like you two have already made your decision, I'm just asking you to wait a little bit longer until you sign that paper,"

"Why?"

"Because I'm asking you to, that's why," she didn't want to lose her best friend, not yet.

"You can't let go."

Susan stopped suddenly, "She's my best friend; forgive me if I'm not ready to lose her. Twenty-four hours, that's all I'm asking, then I will sign,"

"Fine. Twenty four hours." Nobody had specified who had to sign those papers, it could be him technically, it could be Kerry Weaver, but it was Susan who was Abby's best friend.

Luka shook his head and walked over to Abby; he looked up at the monitors and placed his hand on Abby's forehead. "Susan, she has a fever," He seriously doubted that Abby could survive the next twenty four hours now. "She's warm, but the fever, it's not high, not yet." Luka said softly. While it wasn't high yet, it didn't mean that it wasn't dangerous. Low grade, or high grade, a fever of any degree was enough to easily kill Abby.

"What's your point?"

"Susan... You keep telling Abby don't do this, every time she crashes, don't you think maybe she's trying to tell us something."

"You said yourself she can't tell us anything" Susan looked at him. "I already agreed to twenty four hours; don't cut her time any shorter,"

"You also said if she developed an infection..."

"Fine. You know what, do it, if you are willing to give up on her, then sign the damn paper,"

"I will," Luka said resolutely, looking Susan in the eyes.

Susan stopped; she really had not expected Luka to say that, she was stunned. "Twenty four hours, Luka, please."

"What good would it do?"

"If she becomes septic, before twenty four hours are up… then I'll agree"

"She's bacteremic already." Susan shook her head and looked at Kerry, begging her to make the decision now.

Kerry answered the unspoken question, "What do you want me to say, Susan? She isn't going to improve. Even if she gets past the infection, she's never going to recover from all of this."

"Can you do this Kerry? Can you authorize this?"

"It would have to be a joint decision."

"Between who,"

"The treating physicians."

"So we'd have no decision in the matter, if we hand it over to them?"

"We're all listed as having treated her, and we've been making most of the decisions from the start, Susan. Not all, but the ones we've been qualified to make."

"Okay," Susan nodded slowly.

"The nephro, the neuro, all the specialists have been willing to let her go for about two weeks now." Actually, Kerry corrected herself mentally, the neuro had been telling them Abby was a lost cause almost from the get go, but the others had all concurred between ten and fourteen days.

"Let's just get everyone together and go over this, please Kerry."

"I can call them to come here, but they won't say anything you haven't heard before."

"Then do it!"

"Fine," Kerry said and stepped out to find a corner of the floor where the use of cellular phones wasn't prohibited.

Luka watched as Susan stalked back towards Abby and gently moved her hair away from her face. "Susan... Let her go," he whispered and joined her at Abby's side.

"I don't want to."

"What do you think Abby wants then? Do you think she wants to be hooked up to a machine that is breathing for her? Do you think she wants to just linger, let sepsis be the one that kills her?

"The sepsis can be prevented. Or reversed if the prevention fails."

"She's gone Susan; you just have to let her be,"

"Why, when she never let anything be?"

"Susan… please... don't prolong this any more."

"It's not hurting you."

"Its hurting Abby,"

"You don't know that."

"It's selfish what we are doing to her,"

"Fine, so I'll be selfish just this once"

Luka didn't know what to say anymore, just stood there as a nurse came in and did the hourly vital checks. "She's running a little bit of a fever," she told him.

"Yes. She is. Administer antibiotics. Cephalosporin," Susan said before either Luka or Kerry could contradict her. Susan had to get ahead of the infection, had to stop it from doing anymore harm to her friend's body. Powerful antibiotics could defiantly do the job, if Luka and Kerry agreed to let them be administered. The nurse looked quickly at the other two doctors, then scurried off.

"Don't look at me like that Luka," Susan snarled seeing the glare Luka was shooting her.

"What would you prefer I do?"

"You don't think she needs it?"

"I don't think it's the best course of action."

"So besides letting her die, then what do you think the best course of action is doctor?" Susan said as the nurse reentered the room.

"Letting her die probably is the best course of action" Susan shook her head, ignoring Luka's comment and reached over to take the IV bag from the nurse. "What good is this doing her?"

"We've already been through this Luka,"

"Obviously not thoroughly enough."

"Apparently, you've already given up on Abby Luka, I haven't, not yet."

"It's not about giving up. It's about letting go."

"Is that how you've convinced yourself?" She said as the nurse stayed in the room, writing notes in Abby's ever growing chart, ease dropping on the conversation.

"Do you believe in something else after this?"

"Excuse me?" Susan looked over at her.

"If you do, then why trap her? Or if she did."

"Great!" Susan threw her hands up in the air. "another advocate for pulling the plug,"

"I know you're a doctor, and I'm a nurse, and to most that means you know everything and I know a fraction of a percent of that, but hear me out if you won't listen to your friend here."

"First off, I have a lot of respect for nurses, don't think I won't listen to you because you don't have an MD, and go ahead, I'm willing to listen,"

"Whatever you believe in, or think she believed in, there's something that comes after, I'll bet. To nearly everyone, there is."

"That doesn't convince me of anything,"

"What if she wants to move on?"

"What if she doesn't and we take her off of life support?"

"If there's anything of her left, then she'll find a way to keep breathing if it isn't what she wants."

"She can't breathe on her own! She's not even triggering the vent!"

"Then I'd guess there's nothing left and she would want to move on to whatever eternity is."

Susan shook her head once again, but was slowly realizing just how right everyone was. "What was her temp?"

"One hundred and two degrees farenheight."

"Susan… it's too late, we can't help her." Luka gently placed his hand on her shoulder.

"You're sure this is the right thing to do?"

"Yeah, it is," as much as he hated to lose Abby, he hated to see her like this even more. "The specialists will be here any minute, ask their opinions if you don't believe me, or the nurse,"

"It's not a matter of belief."

"Then what is it? Susan, her kidneys have already failed, her liver and heart are going now, and sepsis has set in, she cannot pull out of this,"

"I don't know. Hope maybe."

"There isn't any left," Luka said as Kerry returned with a few other doctors following her in. At the front was Dr. Stenton.

"Not for you, maybe."

"Alright, do we want to discuss this here, or somewhere else?" Luka asked the crowd.

"There's a conference room down the hall."

"Okay," Susan said and bent down next to Abby. "we'll be right back Hun," and then she and Luka followed everyone else out the door and down the hall.

"I know what everyone has already decided," Susan began, "but does anyone even have any hope left at all? Anything?" if not one single person said a word, then she would agree to pull life support tonight.

"No."

Without a second thought about what she was saying, "who signs it then?"

"Any two."

"I will," Luka stepped up first, he had the vague feeling that Susan would not be the second signature on those documents. He knew it sounded like a murderer to Susan, but he could no longer stand to watch Abby suffer.

Dr. Stenton came forward after a moment, "I'll sign."

"Are we doing this now?" Susan asked quietly after a few minutes of silence. Still not ready to do this to Abby.

"Yes."

She felt her heart break in two, this was really the end. "The ER, they don't know, they haven't even said goodbye.."

"Fine, it can wait an hour or two. Let them up."

"Thank you," she whispered and began wondering how she was going to tell her staff the news.

"Dotaimashte."

Susan ignored the last comment and walked out of the conference room, tears already falling again. Slowly she began making her way to the elevator. When she got to the ER, she was pounced on.

"How is she?" Chuny was the first to ask.

"Bad."

Chuny nodded, they knew that, they had known that from the beginning. "What did the EEG say?"

"She's... It's... She isn't likely to improve."

"Okay…" Chuny had a feeling that there was more to this story. Nearly the entire staff had gathered at the desk now, all wanting to hear about Abby.

"Everyone, you guys should know... There's been a decision to remove Abby from life support."

Nobody said anything for a second, just stood there in shock, they all knew it was coming, just not this soon. "When… I mean, when are you doing it?" Pratt spoke up.

"Probably in an hour or so. If you want to say goodbye, now's probably the time."

"You.. This hadn't even been discussed as of yesterday!" Sam began. "Did something change?"

"According to the neuro, she's essentially brain dead."

"I can't believe you're letting her go," Morris said, not thinking that his tone came across as accusatory.

"I'm not the one making the decision. But there isn't much point in continuing like this, or so I'm told."

Neela looked at Susan. "but you don't want to, you don't want them to pull her off of life support,"

"She isn't even triggering the vent."

"She's got an hour left," it wasn't a question, a statement. Abby had an hour left to live.

"Basically."

"She never stood a fucking chance," Pratt said quickly and then walked off.

"I'm sorry," Susan turned and left then standing there.

She made her way back up to Abby's room, feeling even worse as she got closer. Inside she found only Luka and Kerry. "They know," she said softly.

"Alright, that's for the best. "

Susan looked at the two, "why am I the only one who is crying here?" she wiped away a tear.

"Because everyone else has done theirs."

"It seems like I'm the only one who can't stop," she said and touched Abby's forehead. "She's burning up," Luka was right, it was time to let go.

"Are any of them coming up here?"

"They said they would, they know we're doing it soon," Kerry nodded. Most of them would come up and say goodbye to their colleague, or what was left of her. And they did, one by one they made their way up, each saying goodbye in their own ways. Ray was the last to leave, the last to say goodbye, besides the Luka, Kerry and Susan.

"So this is it?" Susan asked, wanting to stall just a little longer

"Have you said your goodbye?" Luka asked.

"Not yet."

"Do you want us to stay while you do, or would you rather be by yourself?" Luka asked, he still had to sign the last document before they could officially end it.

"I don't care...It doesn't matter really."

"I need to go sign one more paper, Dr. Stenton is coming back at 5:30," Luka said softly and looked at the clock. It was 5:15. A moment later, Kerry dismissed herself over some trivial detail that didn't really matter. Susan needed to be alone.

She just stood there, listening to the sounds of the machines that indicated that Abby was still alive, for now. Those sounds would die with Abby. "Abby… I'm so sorry," she began. "I know if you could hear me, you'd be laughing. They say you can't hear. I can't believe them. Not right now. Abby, I'm sorry we couldn't help you, I'm sorry if we've let you suffer, and I'm sorry, that I agreed to let them do this. But they have a point. There's only so much you can fight, and sometimes you have to admit defeat. I will ride those cops until they find who did this to, I wont let them quit. I call Carter, make him hire someone if I have to. But whoever did this to you, has an equal horror coming to them. "And I know that doesn't come close to fixing all of this, I don't think anything will, but it's the least I can do." She paused for a minute, having so much to say, but not knowing how to say it., or even how much more time she had. "But if you decide you want to stay with us," Susan somehow managed to smile, remembering Abby's sense of humor, "please do, please Abby. "I don't know what else there is to say. I mean, there are a few million things, but... Yeah... There's this song... Bridge Over Troubled Waters... I'm sure you heard it at some point. G'bye Abby. I'll miss you. We all will, but me especially."

"Dr. Lewis?" it was the nurse from earlier. "Dr. Stenton is on his way," she informed her.

"Okay," Susan called back. She just sat there, it seemed like only a few minutes, when she heard someone enter the room, then two more people. She knew exactly who it was. Stenton, Luka, and Kerry.

She turned to face them, "Well?"

"I'm really sorry Dr. Lewis," Stenton spoke up as he walked over.

"You going to be the one to do it?"

"Would you rather?"

"No."

"Dr. Weaver, Dr. Kovac?" he asked them.

Luka swallowed, then said reluctantly, "Best if it is someone she knew. I'll do it." Susan squeezed her eyes shut and silently thanked Luka for doing it. She took Abby's hand in her own again and watched. He stepped over to the ventilator, pressed the button, and disconnected the hose. And they waited. Almost immediately, the monitors began to alarm, and Susan barely resisted the urge to hook her back up to the vent, she was watching her best friend die. She was praying that somehow Abby would take at least attempt to breathe, attempt to keep surviving. The monitors were screaming louder now, but nobody made a move to turn them off, they all just watched, three doctors, four if they counted Abby, and one nurse, all silent. Abby didn't draw a breath. After a minute, not even an attempt. After two. Then three passed. Susan shook her head, Abby was really gone, not coming back, couldn't fight, she didn't wipe away her tears this time. Maybe Abby really did want to go, then again maybe she didn't and they had made the choice for her, either way they would never know. When the last alarm went off, full cardiac arrest, Stenton reached over and turned off the monitor.

"Time of death 17:34" Luka announced softly. Abby was gone, her fight was finally over.


End file.
